Vacation...

That one glorious week that you work so hard all year for.  For me it conjures up memories of summer days with my dear friends in Spain, train rides through Europe exploring new cities, eating delicious food or lounging under palm trees on my honeymoon.  That was before I had children.  Now vacation consists of amusement park train rides, mediocre family style restaurants and there is no lounging to be done.  Let me present you with our New Hampshire family vacation 2012...

The Drive:  According to GPS it will take us just under 3 hours to get from our house to Storyland.  That means 3 hours of family togetherness in very close quarters.  Yes, I know, we have a minivan so we should have plenty of room for the 4 of us.  But...taking a 2 and 4 year old away for any length of time requires an unimaginable amount of crap.  Every year it amazes me how quickly the car fills up.  We are literally taking the sh*t show on the road.  So the car is all packed and we are ready to go.  15 minutes EARLY!!!!  Unheard of.  So...in an effort to make the 3 hour ride a bit more pleasant I make a fun scavenger hunt for the kids.  I make a cool looking checklist (colored pictures and all) clip them to clipboards and tie a pen on each clipboard with a pretty ribbon.  That way when (yes, I said when and not if because it is a given) they drop their pen they can just pull it back up by the string.  I am thinking this is going to keep them busy for a good chunk of the trip.  I am a bit old fashioned in my parenting approach...I am not giving in to social pressure and getting them TV's for the car.  I want them to be able to engage in family conversations, be able to entertain themselves and not have to rely on TV to keep them happy...they are only 2 and 4...they have all of their adult life to sit in front of the TV.  Anyway, like I said, I am thinking that this scavenger hunt will keep them busy for a while.  We had not even pulled out of the driveway when Anna gleefully announces that she is done.  I ask her if she really found everything on her list.  She full on looks me in the eye and lies.  I ask if she found a motorcycle...yep...a red car...yep...Ok, we live on a busy street, maybe she did see those ones, but come on Anna, a deer?  a covered wooden bridge?  Storyland?  She stuck with her story and insisted she saw all of these things in the first 30 seconds of our trip.  The game did keep Sara busy for a while.  Anna dropped her pen about a dozen times.  Each time I had to remind her how to pull the ribbon to get the pen back.  Sara asked why I put them on strings.  I tell her I did it to make it easier for me...so I wouldn't have to keep turning around and getting it for them.  Sara asks me completely straight faced, "did that work out for you?"...About 2.5 miles into the trip Chuck stops at an ATM...and that is when it happens...Are we there yet?...only 2 hours and 55 minutes to go...

The drive home started off the same.  Hadn't even pulled out of the condo complex when they were already asking for snacks and when we would be home.  All in all they were really good on both legs of the trip.  I was actually quite impressed with them.

The Bear:   So we pull into the condo complex and get out of the car.  Another family comes over, tells us there is a bear 2 rows down and they show us a picture.  We pack the girls back in the car and head right over to see it.  Now, if I could have 1 vacation do-over, this would be it.  Honestly, I have met Sara before and I know that she is an anxious child.  What the hell was I thinking bringing her to see a live, wild bear?  Really, did I think this would end well?  Why on earth did I think this was a good idea.  Sooooo...we head over the parking lot of the other row of condos and we don't see anything.  Then all of a sudden we see a HUGE bear head peek out at us from the dumpster.  The bear then comes all the way out.  It is enormous.  It looks at us for a minute and then continues to dumpster dive.  Nature at it's finest.  I wondered out loud what the poor bear's cholesterol level was.  Aren't they supposed to eat nuts and berries?  Here it is eating leftover vacation food.  I know what we brought... totally hedonistic crap for us and I am pretty sure most people bring a ton of junk while on vacation so this bear must have some clogged arteries in there.  So while I was contemplating the health of the bear Sara is terrified that we are going to be eaten by the bear.  Anna, ever the daredevil  tells Sara it is ok, we are in the car.  We come to our senses and decide to stop terrorizing Sara and head back home.  But of course that is not the end of the bear...

The entire rest of the trip Sara kept asking about the bear and was constantly scanning for it while we were out.  I have to admit after seeing it so close to people Chuck and I were constantly scanning for it too. Some of our outings were deep in the woods, these were deep, thick forests that were prime bear habitats.  It was nerve-wracking to say the least.   The first night Sara was scared the bear could get in the house so she wanted to sleep with me.   That last about 5 minutes when she asked me what I would do if it did come into the house.  I guess she didn't like my answer because for the first time ever she asked if she could sleep with Chuck.  I guess daddies are better bear wranglers than moms...

Sleeping Arrangements:  So as any of you with children know, family vacations are not romantic.  The condo we stayed at sleeps 8 comfortably.  There is one bedroom with 2 full size beds,  a pull out couch and a king sized bed.  We were hoping the girls would sleep in the room with the 2 beds.  No such luck.  The first night Chuck and Sara were in one of the full sized beds warding off bears.  Anna and I were up in the king bed.  I don't spend much time with Anna at night.  She has always gone to bed pretty much on her own and stayed there until morning.  I check in on her before I go to bed but that is just a quick peek in.  Well....thank God she is a good sleeper on her own because she is a disaster to sleep with!!  She is only 36 inches tall and about 30 pounds but she was all over that bed.  She grinds her teeth and snores!  She is going to be a great catch someday!!  Needless to say Chuck and I did not get much sleep that night.

The next night wasn't any better.  All 3 of the Lavallee ladies started off in the king bed.  It was enormous but lets just say we were "efficient" and only took about about 18 inches of the bed.  They could not get any closer to me if they tried.  I am their true north.  I think when I had the hole in my heart patched up 37 years ago they may have mistakenly filled it was a magnetic substance because these girls have an unnatural attraction to me.  Kind of like you know those name badge holders?  You pull it and it snaps right back.  Something like that.  They snap right back to me.  I swear that if Sara could she would climb back into my womb every night.  Anna finally gave up and went to sleep downstairs with Chuck.  Sara was in her glory.  The last night was probably the worst.  Sara and I were down in the full bed together.  With the sheets, blankets AND bedspread on.  We needed all 3 on because she was afraid the bear would see her if she wasn't covered up in the blanket.  I get that logic.  I know I used to do that.  Especially when I lived alone.  I would cover myself up all the way with the blanket...of course if an intruder came in they would pass right by the lump on the bed.  If I could outsmart an murderer that way surely Sara could outsmart a bear from under the covers.  Fortunately for us Sara was right.  We may have been sweltering under the cover but we weren't killed by a bear.


Romance?:  So, just because Chuck and I were sleeping on separate floors doesn't mean there wasn't any action on vacation.  Oh no my friends there was!  On 3 different occasions while I was using a public restroom (twice at Storyland and once at the beach) Sara opened the door on me in essence giving everyone around a free show.  Not to be outdone Anna also got in on the action.  I was holding her in the pool, she was hanging onto me for dear life.  In her terror she grabbed onto my bathing suit strap, pulling it all the way down causing me to flash everyone in the pool.  As luck would have it the pool was filled with all the dads at that exact moment.   Chuck was nowhere in sight so these strangers got more action than my poor husband.

On a not really related note but something that you all might find as curious as I did...there is a hot tub in the condo.  It is in the upstairs bathroom.  That side of the bathroom is all windows which is fine....it has shades that you can shut if want privacy.  You also need to shut them when you are just in there to use the bathroom.  However, the shades are located on the outside of the bathroom.  Soooo...if one is in the bathroom someone on the outside can open the shades and peek in.  It only took Anna about 2 minutes to figure this out.  So every time I was in the bathroom the shades would immediately fly up and Anna would say "Hi Mom!!".  Not quite sure who designed that feature but note to self...if I were to install a hot tub in my house remember to put the shades on the INSIDE of the bathroom.

Vacation Activities:

           Story Land:  Sara has been dying to go back there since her first trip last year.  It was so fun to see the excitement in their eyes when we walked in.  There are about 14 rides in the park.  We went on about 7.  Sara is a little nervous and Anna does whatever Sara does.  If we rode the tractors once we rode them 100 times.  Round and round we went.  They could not get enough of them.  Here is the thing.  There was no line, at all.  Yet, they made us get off each time, go through the metal maze of germs (why do all kids need to climb, hang and lick those metal line dividers) and get back on.  Really? They couldn't just let us ride straight through?  And every time the teen ride operator went through the whole safety speech.  I think we got it committed to memory after the first 20 times we rode...

Just my luck we decide to go to Story Land when it is 100 degrees out.  But it was a family vacation, not just about me so I did not complain about the heat.  At least not out loud.  There was a new ride this year.  It is a boat that has guns you use to spray the crowd as you ride by.  There are also water guns for passersby to shoot the people on the boats.  These are not just little water guns...these are CANNONS!!!  You get soaked!!!  For Chuck and I it was heaven.  It really made the heat tolerable.  Let's just say they girls are lucky they survived that ride with both eyes...these guns were high powered and people were out for blood!!!  They cried almost the whole ride...I tried to convince them to go on again the next day but no such luck.  Chuck and I just had to sweat it out.

Last year when we went no one would go on the flying fish ride with me.  It was the only one I REALLY wanted to go on. I have been talking it up all year finally talking Sara into riding it with me.  So off we go.  It is pretty mild at first.  We were both laughing and having a good time.  Well, the speed picked up and the wind was whipping the fish all around.  I loved it!!!  Sara was PISSED at me.  She glared at me the whole time.  Getting angrier and angrier the more I laughed and smiled.  I knew she hated it and I could have given the "thumbs down" and they would have stopped the ride for her to get off.  I thought about it for a second and for the first time in 4.5 years I put my comfort, enjoyment and well being ahead of my children's.  I kept hooting and hollering, smiling and laughing until the bitter end.  Sara went on and on how it was the worst ride and how I ruined her day by making her go on that bad ride.  I just ignored her and relived my 4 minutes of glory over and over as she complained.  It was so worth it!!

        The Beach:  So if you have been following my blog you know that I am not a fan of the summer, therefore, I am not a fan of the beach.  However, that being said I do want to create memories for my children and unfortunately for me kids love beaches and they do make great memories there.  So off to the beach we went.  It was a lake beach in the middle of the woods so it was pretty tolerable for me.  There was shade and no horsefly's so it was doable.  We set up our spot and the kids went off to play in the water, collecting tadpoles and frogs.  Mommy sat down under the umbrella with the 3rd installment of 50 Shades of Grey.  At first I felt like I should try to hide it.  But I looked around, and saw that all the moms there had children under the age of 10. I am sure they all have read the book too.   They are just as much a desperate housewife as I am. 

The beach was located deep in the woods.  I am not going to lie I kept looking for escape routes in case the bear came after us.  Chuck confessed he was doing the same thing when he took the girls for a walk...

After the beach we went to check out some waterfalls.  It was a short hike in the woods until we got to the falls.  It was so beautiful but kind of scary at the same time.  It was the perfect spot for a bear attack or a serial killer.  Wonder where Sara gets her irrational fears from?  So we are in this dense forest with a million trees, rocks etc.  Sara spots this tiny (less than than a fingertip long) grey inchworm on this enormous tree.  This is the same girl that pokes herself in the eye everyday, yet, she can spot the tiniest little bug.  Go figure.  Again, it is 100 degrees and we are hiking in the humid forest.  Sara gets a stomach ache so I get to give her a piggy back the whole way back.  Yay me!!!  I wasn't hot enough, I needed 36 pounds of preschool heat clinging to my back.  The things we do for our kids....

   The Pool:  Chuck hates public pools so lucky me, I get pool duty.  I do tend to agree with Chuck in thinking that public pools are just a warm stew of human grossness.  But Sara LOVES going in.  She finally was able to trust me enough to let go and see that she will float with her swimmies.  It was so cool to see her smile, relax and have a good time.  She was making up funny little water dance routines it was worth me stewing in others secretions, getting accosted from an annoying little brat (really, his mom did not notice him underwater grabbing at my feet the whole time?  Oh, right, she was too busy playing on her phone...It took all of my will power not to kick the little sh*t's face as he dove under to grab my ankle...later the kid was sitting in a chair next to his mom playing a video game as she sat there on her phone, no conversation, no interaction at all..no wonder her kid has no social graces....see?  That is why I refuse to let my kids play video games and watch TV all day....if not they will not know how to be contributing members of society or know how to act appropriately in civilization...but I digress...) to see Sara filled with pride and complete happiness.  That was my favorite part of our vacation.  She loved the pool so much we went for a quick swim in the indoor pool the morning we were leaving.  I believe that I may have contracted some GI illness on this last little dip in the human soup.  Since we arrived home my body has been "purging" all of its contents...just for good measure it is also "purging" food that I am contemplating eating next week too.  I guess a little Giardia is a mere inconvenience in memory making for the girls.

The girls also had a blast going on pony rides, making smores (like Chuck said, you know what this 100 degree day needs?  a fire to toast smores) and going for a rowboat ride with daddy.  Thankfully Anna corrected Chuck's technique and showed him how to do it.

About 10 minutes  before we arrived home Anna got really sad and said that she didn't want vacation to be all done.  Chuck reminded her with the best line from vacation that she is 2...that her life is a vacation.  Though there were a few hiccups along the way I would not have changed anything (well, maybe flashing the pool)...my European vacations were fun and hopefully in a few years when the girls are a little older we can travel to Spain and visit with my friends but until then I will treasure our little family vacations and all the memories we are making!!

Happy...er...holiday?!

It is Father's Day here in the United States  and apparently it is a huge holiday that I was unaware of.   I mean, I know it was father's day.  I called my dad wished him a happy day and will see him on Tuesday.  Last night the girls and I made Chuck his favorite dinner, a cake and gave him a little present and some homemade crafts from the girls.  Oh, and I instructed the girls to be on their best behavior for him...the best present of all!  I thought I covered all my bases.  Oh no my friends..you see I have yet again added a check in the shittiest mother in the world column...

Let me back up for you...if you noticed I said that we celebrated Father's day yesterday with Chuck that is because I had to work today.  All well and good one would think, right?  Last night as I was putting Sara to bed we were chatting.  She was asking what we were going to do in the morning and I told her it was a work day for me.  Then she asks me why do I always have to work on holidays.  I tell her that I don't always work on holidays that I was home on Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Easter.  She then says well you are working on Father's Day, you worked on the holiday when you make hearts for people and tell them you love them and you worked on Cinco De Mayo.  Really Sara?  Cinco de Mayo?  I tried to explain to her that there are big holidays that are super important and then there are little holidays that you still go to work and school but you can celebrate it when your whole family can be together.  Oh my God!!  I totally crushed her little spirit.  She loves the little holidays.  She goes all out for them...we have a "Love" dinner on Valentine's day...she decorates the house with a million hearts, we eat by candle light and have a heart shaped cake...this tradition came from someone I used to work with (hi Alcina!!), we did celebrate Cinco de Mayo for the past 2 years by making Mexican flags and food for dinner and in my defense I have to look at the calendar but I don't think I actually worked on May 5th this year...anyway, back to Sara she was heartbroken that I was going to work and I told her that it wasn't a real holiday.  But there is more to this story...

Sara does not like the fact that I go off to work.  She is starting to realize that some of her friend's mommies get to stay home all the time.  She has asked me so many times lately why do I have to work.  I tell her honestly that I like working, that it makes me feel good inside to be able to help people.  I am fortunate enough to be able to work part time and even if financially I didn't need to work I probably still would.  For me personally it makes me a better mom.  I need time away to feel productive in my community, to talk with other adults and quite honestly have a break from my kids.  I think being a full time stay at home mom is  THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB IN THE WORLD!!!  I give so much credit to moms that can do that but it is not for me.  I wouldn't last more than 2 weeks.

I reminded Sara that before Anna came along I did still work everyday.  I told her that I was lucky to find the new hospital and the job in the NICU.I told her that I am here when she wakes up everyday, I am here to put her to bed every night and we get to have breakfast together everyday, lunch 6 out of 7 days and dinner 4 out of 7 nights...you would think the last statistic she would be grateful for because I KNOW Chuck does not make them eat a fruit or vegetable with dinner and they don't have to clear their plates for him either and I bet if you peeked through our windows on those 3 nights chances are they are sitting in the TV room eating in front of Sponge Bob (which mommy doesn't let them watch)...she wasn't buying it.  She then says to me..how did you find the NICU?  Who told you about it?  I know what she is getting at.  You see my friend used to have the NICU position, she was getting ready to stay home full time and told me about it.  Sara was just over her house the other day...my friend was watching them so I could go to work on a unscheduled day.  I answered her and told her the name.  Sara then says well, how come she doesn't have to work there anymore but you do?  She shouldn't have told you about it.  I am mad that she told you about the NICU.  But here is the kicker...Sara wants to be a baby doctor and work in the NICU too! 

I know that I am never going to win this argument with her.  I am going to continue to work my 20 hours a week.  She is going to continue to harass me about it.  I am going to block PBS so she doesn't learn about any more of these "holidays" we dodged a bullet with flag day last week but isn't arbor day coming up?   For good measure I think I will request Mother's and Father's day as vacation days next year.  I am willing to concede a little bit...but I am drawing the line at Cinco de Mayo...

I am the baddest mom in the whole world

It is true.  How do I know that I am actually the baddest?  For the past week both of my children have taken every opportunity to let me know.

Here are some examples of why I hold that new title...

The girls wanted a special snack the other day.  I gave them one...mini chocolate chips...that makes me the best one, right?  One would think, but NO!  I goofed up apparently.  For some reason my kids like to eat their snacks out of measuring cups.  Not sure where that came from but they do.  Well, simple math lets you know that there is only 1 big CUP.  So someone will get the cup and someone will get the 3/4 cup.  Today Anna was the quicker of the two and somehow I end up being the jerk.  Sara announces that I am the baddest mom ever because I ALWAYS give Anna the big cup.  I just walked away...no way to win that argument.

Along the same lines the other day Anna wanted Oreo's at 8 am.  I told her no, that she needed to have a healthy snack or better yet breakfast.  She went into a tailspin...fake crying, walking with her shoulders slumped, her eyes half closed, rubbing her belly saying that she was "so hungly"...Sara came in to see what was going on.  Anna told her that I was the baddest mom in the world because I wouldn't give her food and she was so hungry.  Sara then tells me that I am mean, I need to give her food that is my "job".  I tried to explain that she could have food, just not Oreo's at 8 am.  I finally walked away when it hit me I was trying to rationalize and defend my parenting choices to a 2 and 4 year old.

Sara had her first dance recital on Sunday.  She did a great job.   When I went back to get her when she came off stage I had some tears streaming down her face. Nothing ridiculous, just a few tears and a huge smile.  I was so proud of her and how far she has come in the past year.  Well, my gross display of emotions were just too much.  I asked her what she thought of the show and she told me that it was supposed to be great but I ruined it because I was crying.  Obviously the work of the baddest mom in the world.

I was also told that I ruined her preschool graduation.  It was a lovely little ceremony.  She was front and center for the festivities and did a great job with the Pledge of Allegiance and the songs they sang.  Afterwards we all go out to the playground for a snack.  I ask Sara if she wants to go take a walk around.  She agreed.  Keep that in mind please!   Because on the way to Papa Gino's (for a little treat for lunch) she tells me that it was supposed to be a nice summer day but I ruined it.  When I asked her how I ruined it she told me that I made her do stuff she didn't want to.  Like what I asked?  I MADE her walk around!  That I was the baddest mom ever. 

The girls were brushing their teeth the other night.  Sara likes My Little Pony toothpaste and Anna is a fan of Thomas the Tank Engine.  I committed the ultimate faux pas and put Pinkie Pie Pony paste on Anna's brush.  She announces that brushing teeth is lame and that I was the baddest.

Chuck is not immune to being a horrible parent either.  He was called the baddest a few times this week.  If I am not in their cross hairs I don't really pay attention but I did hear both Anna and Sara declare several times this week that he was the baddest daddy in the world.  At least I am in good company.

One last example still has me laughing.  Sara was pissed at me last night.  I can't remember the actual reason why...maybe it was something about bedtime, or a show she wanted to watch but that detail is irrelevant.  She was so angry that she went to fling herself across my bed.  In doing so she did this wicked funny flip type thing.  Well I laughed.  She looked at me and started to smile because I believe she initially thought it was funny too.  Well, once she saw that I was laughing at her her rage went to a whole new level.  The screams and shrieks that were coming from her were audible to the local dogs.  That just added fuel to the flame and I could not stop laughing.  I was trying to tell her I was sorry for laughing at her but every time I opened my mouth to speak I would laugh even harder.  You know when one of these laughing fits hits you there is NOTHING you can do to stop it.  I was trying to keep quiet and keep my mouth shut, but that was worse because I was laughing on the inside and my whole body was shaking.  The scene was getting out of hand and Chuck pops his head in to see what the commotion was all about.  Sara was screeching and I couldn't form a sentence without bursting out in uncontrolled laughter.  He gave up trying to figure out what was up and just went downstairs to exercise.  I am still laughing about it 12 hours later.  I guess I will give her the point on this one...that was a bad mommy moment....but sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of what your life becomes when you have kids.  And laugh and laugh and laugh...

Staring down the barrel...

I am 39 1/2 years old today.  That means EXACTLY 6 months from now I will be 40.  That is gross.  I have nothing else to say.

It's summertime....yay!!

I hope when you read that title to yourself you put a snarky, sarcastic tone on the "yay" part.  Kind of in a quiet voice with your hands half raised in mock celebration.  I do not like summer.  I don't like the heat. I don't like the clothing.  I don't like the critters. I don't like the food. I think I can confidently say that I am the only one around that is already wishing for Labor Day.  Let me break it down for you.

The Food:  I am a vegetarian.  I have been for over 10 years.  My family still has not accepted it.  This does not bode well for me at summertime cookouts.  I typically have to bring my own veggie burger/sausage or hot dog.  Then I have to walk over to the grill master, in much the same one does the walk of shame after too many cocktails in the Alley (that is a reference for one of my faithful readers..SWL!) and hand them said textured vegetable protein.  Then while eating I have to smile and endure the inevitable "light hearted"and oh so un-unique comments.  If my dad is there he will ask me if I want some chicken...he doesn't think it is real meat...this happens summer after summer...it is much easier food-wise to blend in during the cooler months.  I swear if I had come out as a real live vampire I would have an easier time than being a vegetarian.

The Clothing:    I am white.  Very much so.  Picture the underside of a killer whale...you know that shiny, pristine white?  That is about 6 shades DARKER than me.  Several years back I worked with children in the inner city.  I was the only non-minority around for miles.  One of the children said to me with the complete innocence and sincerity that only a young child could pull off..."you are so white you are see through"...it is true.  I am so pale you can see my veins from across the room.  In an emergency  situation that requires inserting an IV immediately that is great...in the real world trying to wear summery type clothes not so much.  About 3 weeks ago in anticipation of having to wear shorts I started my nightly ritual of applying Neutrogena Build-a-tan to my face, legs and arms.  Now don't get me wrong...  I am not looking to actually look tan...I just don't want to look like  Casper the Friendly ghost if the occasion calls for shorts.  I am well on my way from Killer Whale White to Bob Ross's Titanium White...hopefully after a few more applications I will make it to a respectable Pottery Barn Ecru.

It isn't just the shorts...it is the dreaded bathing suit.  If you have been following my blog from the beginning you are well aware of my skin apron.  If you use your imagination take a minute and you can see why that would not work well with a bathing suit....I now always opt for the suit with a skirt.  I know, I know, I am not 85 years old but you have to do what you have to do.  Sunglasses are also a must.  I have very light eyes that are super sensitive to the sunshine.  Come to think of it...maybe I REALLY am a vampire?  I do like garlic so not convinced of that one yet.  Back to the sunglasses...if I don't have them on I swear it feels like my corneas are burning.  There are many times I don't have them on.  I buy several pairs a season.  You would think that means I have a ton to select from.  Not true.  Anna breaks all of them.  She either pops out the lens, breaks off an arm or puts them on her ENORMOUS head and stretches them out.  I just got a new pair on Monday....any bets on how long they last?  I give it a solid week.

The Critters:  First once the sun starts to set our yard sounds like a flippin jungle.  It is so loud.  I liked it when we first moved here...now it is just annoying, especially when you are trying to sleep.  Plus, it is kind of creepy if you are out there after dark....some of the noises have not been identified and I am not sure I really want to know what is making them.  Then there are the bugs of summer...the mosquitoes LOVE me.  I walk outside and they swarm me.  It is like they know I already loathe the summer and they just want to add insult to injury.  Add to that all the ants, spiders and moths...makes me long for the bugless winters.  But it gets worse.  We have snakes!!!  We have a lot of stone walls and our yard is filled with boulders and ledge.  All prime sunning spots for snakes.  I don't mind going out there in the winter...it is a very pretty yard, but once the first snake of the season is spotted all bets are off and you will not catch me in the yard.  At all!!  I do bring the girls out to play but they are on their own. I sit my ass down on the porch and I don't dare move.  The girls get frustrated with me sometimes when I won't come off the porch but I tell them I am helping them build character, foster their independence, improve their problem solving skills and I am helping them strengthen their sisterly bond.  They don't care...they just get pissed when I won't push them on the swing.  Isn't that what daddies are for?  The other day one of them tripped right next to the rock that is famous for snakes and I made her come up on the porch to me so I could check it.  There was no way I was venturing down into the viper pit.  I always make sure I have my phone with me on the off chance there is a bad accident that needs attention at the actual accident site off the porch.  Isn't that what EMS is for?   And man am I good at spotting snakes.  They can be halfway across the yard curled up in the grass and I can see it.  If I ever decided to look for a new career I think I would be awesome in a war zone.  Just sit me on top of a Humvee, much like a hood ornament, I would be able to pick out IED's like they were dandelions.  After living in snake territory my scanning skills are top notch.  Chuck keeps reminding me I am ridiculous..that we have only seen 2 snakes so far this year, but I keep reminding him of something he said to Sara...if there is 1 snake there are 100...so if there are 2 snakes that must mean there are 200!!!

The Heat:  I am just putting it out there...I wholeheartedly believe in spontaneous human combustion.  I know there are only a handful of cases that may or may not be true...but I am a believer.  I get so hot in the summer that my insides literally feel like they are boiling.  I look hot too, not in the cute Kate Upton kind of way...in the splotchy red rashy, sweat stained, stringy hair kind of way.  Good thing I met Chuck in February...if it were summertime our love story most likely would not have had a happy ending.  I can almost bet that on certain summer days when I am particularly "crabby" because of the heat Chuck is contemplating the longevity of our relationship.  He knows me so well and already installed all of the air conditioners.  While walking around in the summertime I make sure to properly pick up and gently place down my entire foot with each step. Making sure my heel NEVER drags on the asphalt.  I am a bit concerned that if I don't my heel will act as a match head, combine that with my excessive heat and I am blowing up like a tiki torch.  Lately Chuck has been into all things British.  I think that is a great hobby for him, however, I am a bit nervous that he may suggest a trip across the pond.  Why you ask?  Well, many of the documented cases of spontaneous human combustion have happened over there.  Maybe there is something in my chemical makeup that when combined with the foggy London air will trigger an explosion.  Same goes for Pennsylvania...2 cases happened there.  No vacations to Amish Country in our future...

Today is June 1st.  I have a long summer ahead of me.  More importantly my poor family has a long summer ahead of them.  How many days until Labor Day?