So Sara has learned how to "sew". She can sew a somewhat straight line and has turned a bunch of old T-shirts into Barbie sleeping bags. She has also fixed Chuck's socks that had holes. Well about an hour ago Sara told me there was a little hole in the table cloth she wanted to sew. This was news to me but I told her she could do it after lunch. I just walked into the kitchen and noticed that the tablecloth was shredded. No little hole!! I also noticed a pair of purple kids scissors on the table. Apparently Edward Scissorhands was a little too eager to sew. Of course the one time I need to come across stern I get a case of the giggles. I ask what happened and I said I really wanted the truth. She goes on about Anna needing paper...never mentioning what happened to the table cloth. I ask her if she cut it with the scissors and again, I wanted the truth. Totally straight faced she says, "I told you I wanted to do a sewing project so I cut it and now I can sew it up again"...
I have nothing else to say. I am speechless.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A tisket, a tasket...I went shopping at the Basket
Trust me, the trip did not disappoint! If you have been following my blog you know I have a love/hate relationship with Market Basket. I love it because of the low prices, great produce and decent vegetarian selection. I hate it because, well, it is Market Basket. They leave pallets in the middle of the aisles, the baggers have an odd sense of what products should be matched up in the bags and the clientele is in a word; interesting. If you are not from this area you may not understand the intricacies of the Basket. For a better understanding check out "The People of Market Basket" facebook page. It will help get you in the mindset I need to channel every Thursday morning.
In addition to my weekly trip into the abyss it was an all around craptastic day. I woke up late, sweating my a$$ off. I look to my left and there is Anna sound asleep. I look to my right and there is Sara. I have two built in human furnaces...no wonder my body temp is raised 10 degrees. We get ready and head out to drop Sara off at preschool. We make it before the doors open...with time to spare if you can imagine that! It is a chilly morning so Anna and I make a mad dash for the minivan. I get her all buckled up, pull out of the parking lot and reach for my nice, warm pumpkin coffee. I didn't find it. To my horror it had tipped over and spilled out all over the minivan's rug! So no coffee and now my van smells like sour pumpkin. YUM!! I move on and decide to not let that ruin my day. Little did I know there would be plenty of other things to come that would trump the great coffee debacle...
We go shopping, speed through so we would have time to get the shopping done, get home, unpack it all and pick Sara up on time. MB is about 12 miles away. Not too far, but you have to time it out like a Team Seal 6 operation. If I were EVER 10 seconds late picking Sara up she would NEVER let me forget it.
We are in the produce section and Anna notices a small hole in my jeans...right next to my back pocket. She puts her finger in it announcing loudly that I have a hole in my pants and yanks on it turning the tiny hole into a 3 inch rip on my ass. Thanks Anna! I can always count on her to embarrass me one way or another while at the Basket.
So, like I said, we got the shopping done in record time, and it was a LONG list this week. I find an empty check-out line. Score! I load up the belt, the lady scanning is pretty quick. Great! We will be out of here in no time. But wait, the groceries are backing up. What the heck is happening? Turns out the bagger may or may not have been under the influence of an illicit substance. He would take every flippin item hold it up, turn it around checking it out from every possible angle before putting it in the bag. It was as if he were on drugs and the shiny labels were distracting. If you are a MB shopper what is up with their bagging techniques? They pile 10 glass jars in one bag, 4 small cat food cans in another, 3 half gallons of milk with dryer sheets in a 3rd and the tiny, sacred, plastic spray bottle of butter gets a bag all to itself. I have never been a grocery bagger so there must be some science to it, but I do not understand their logic at all. But I digress...
So Anna and I head out and just as we cross the threshold of the automatic exit door my precariously piled pyramid of bags comes crashing down. So there I am holding up the exit door chasing after the cat food cans, trying to keep Anna from wandering away all the while trying to keep some shred of dignity as people are complaining about the hold up.
After getting our sh*t together we head over to the Merry Go Round (Anna's reward for good behavior) she is thrilled there is not an "Out of Order" sign on it. Typically there is. She gets on the green horse and gears up. I put the quarters in and you guessed it...NOTHING!!! Once again it is broken. Poor bugger is broken hearted. She sadly rides the single horse...
On the way home we are stuck behind someone going 20 miles an hour for 11 miles!!! It is a long 11 miles on the back country road...Thanks to the tripping bagger and the blue haired couple out leaf peeping I am now 20 minutes behind schedule.
I get home and load both arms up with the bags and climb the million stairs up to the front door. We have a screen door that opens into our screened porch before we get to the actual front door. It sticks sometimes so I bang it open with my knee. I fall face forward on top of all the bags. Anna grumbles..."what is taking you so long" as she steps over me and the groceries. So compassionate.
I drop those off and head down for the rest of the bags. I load both arms up again. I refuse to make more than 2 trips. I start the long trek up the stairs. My foot gets caught and I fall face forward again!! I sh*t you not. I am laying flat out on the stairs with yogurts rolling by my face. I jump up as fast as I can because my face is very close to where I have seen a snake in the past. That would be the icing on the cake. A snake slithering over my head...
I have just enough time to put the fridge and freezer items away before preschool gets out. The girls and I then went to a playdate. Which was the highlight of my day...thanks Danielle and Dawn!! I finally got the last of the groceries put away at 3:30 this afternoon.
Oh, here is a joke my sweet little 2 year old told me today...
Anna: "knock, knock"
Me: "who's there?"
Anna: "how did the mommy poop on the baby?"
Me: "I don't know. How did the mommy poop on the baby?"
Anna: "From her butt hole"
And how was your day?
In addition to my weekly trip into the abyss it was an all around craptastic day. I woke up late, sweating my a$$ off. I look to my left and there is Anna sound asleep. I look to my right and there is Sara. I have two built in human furnaces...no wonder my body temp is raised 10 degrees. We get ready and head out to drop Sara off at preschool. We make it before the doors open...with time to spare if you can imagine that! It is a chilly morning so Anna and I make a mad dash for the minivan. I get her all buckled up, pull out of the parking lot and reach for my nice, warm pumpkin coffee. I didn't find it. To my horror it had tipped over and spilled out all over the minivan's rug! So no coffee and now my van smells like sour pumpkin. YUM!! I move on and decide to not let that ruin my day. Little did I know there would be plenty of other things to come that would trump the great coffee debacle...
We go shopping, speed through so we would have time to get the shopping done, get home, unpack it all and pick Sara up on time. MB is about 12 miles away. Not too far, but you have to time it out like a Team Seal 6 operation. If I were EVER 10 seconds late picking Sara up she would NEVER let me forget it.
We are in the produce section and Anna notices a small hole in my jeans...right next to my back pocket. She puts her finger in it announcing loudly that I have a hole in my pants and yanks on it turning the tiny hole into a 3 inch rip on my ass. Thanks Anna! I can always count on her to embarrass me one way or another while at the Basket.
So, like I said, we got the shopping done in record time, and it was a LONG list this week. I find an empty check-out line. Score! I load up the belt, the lady scanning is pretty quick. Great! We will be out of here in no time. But wait, the groceries are backing up. What the heck is happening? Turns out the bagger may or may not have been under the influence of an illicit substance. He would take every flippin item hold it up, turn it around checking it out from every possible angle before putting it in the bag. It was as if he were on drugs and the shiny labels were distracting. If you are a MB shopper what is up with their bagging techniques? They pile 10 glass jars in one bag, 4 small cat food cans in another, 3 half gallons of milk with dryer sheets in a 3rd and the tiny, sacred, plastic spray bottle of butter gets a bag all to itself. I have never been a grocery bagger so there must be some science to it, but I do not understand their logic at all. But I digress...
So Anna and I head out and just as we cross the threshold of the automatic exit door my precariously piled pyramid of bags comes crashing down. So there I am holding up the exit door chasing after the cat food cans, trying to keep Anna from wandering away all the while trying to keep some shred of dignity as people are complaining about the hold up.
After getting our sh*t together we head over to the Merry Go Round (Anna's reward for good behavior) she is thrilled there is not an "Out of Order" sign on it. Typically there is. She gets on the green horse and gears up. I put the quarters in and you guessed it...NOTHING!!! Once again it is broken. Poor bugger is broken hearted. She sadly rides the single horse...
On the way home we are stuck behind someone going 20 miles an hour for 11 miles!!! It is a long 11 miles on the back country road...Thanks to the tripping bagger and the blue haired couple out leaf peeping I am now 20 minutes behind schedule.
I get home and load both arms up with the bags and climb the million stairs up to the front door. We have a screen door that opens into our screened porch before we get to the actual front door. It sticks sometimes so I bang it open with my knee. I fall face forward on top of all the bags. Anna grumbles..."what is taking you so long" as she steps over me and the groceries. So compassionate.
I drop those off and head down for the rest of the bags. I load both arms up again. I refuse to make more than 2 trips. I start the long trek up the stairs. My foot gets caught and I fall face forward again!! I sh*t you not. I am laying flat out on the stairs with yogurts rolling by my face. I jump up as fast as I can because my face is very close to where I have seen a snake in the past. That would be the icing on the cake. A snake slithering over my head...
I have just enough time to put the fridge and freezer items away before preschool gets out. The girls and I then went to a playdate. Which was the highlight of my day...thanks Danielle and Dawn!! I finally got the last of the groceries put away at 3:30 this afternoon.
Oh, here is a joke my sweet little 2 year old told me today...
Anna: "knock, knock"
Me: "who's there?"
Anna: "how did the mommy poop on the baby?"
Me: "I don't know. How did the mommy poop on the baby?"
Anna: "From her butt hole"
And how was your day?
Saturday, October 6, 2012
10,000 strong and growing
I know the old Flintstones ad was 10 million strong and growing but I am just so excited it might as well be 10 million!!! I hit 10,000 page views today!!!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!! What started as a way to condense my Facebook posts has turned into a little hobby for me. I have fun with the blog and I love looking to see where people have logged in from. In 7 months I have not only hit 10,000 views but the blog has been viewed in 6 of the 7 continents...North America, South America, Africa, Asia, Europe and Australia...Antarctica I'm coming for you!!
Besides the US, Japan and Spain have the most views....Thank you Miho, Joaquin and Caty!!! Those are the obvious ones. There is one that I am really curious about. I have had 131 views from Russia. In my mind I have 2 scenarios...it is an Ex-Patriot living in a suburb of Moscow that logs on over her morning coffee. She too is a mostly stay at home suburban mom, like me, and she is a bit "culturally" homesick and finds comfort in the misadventures of my family. The second scenario is that it is an old Russian women who reads with disgust over the "problems" that I have with my kids. Either way I feel connected to my Russian reader and I worry about him/her when I see that they haven't viewed in a while. If you are reading this from Russia send me an email and say hi! I am so curious to see if the humor/experiences translate into other cultures. I kind of think they might. Latvia and Lithuania are coming on strong with a recent surge in page views. I will compile a list of countries where it has been viewed. It is cool to see that people from all over the world are reading my words!!! If I ever win the lottery I am going to take a Tales of a Mini Van Mom world tour!!
Chuck was the one who told me this morning that I hit the 10,000 views milestone. Over my coffee this morning I was explaining that I think it is because I am "every mom"...kind of like Whitney Houston singing she is every woman. All moms face the same issues, struggles and joys with their kids. I just dare to actually put it out there for all to see...the good, the bad and the ugly. I think moms can relate to my posts. As I was explaining my theory Chuck interupts me and says, "hey 'every mom' you have some glitter on your eye"...yup...I am every mom...even in my little personal victories I am just a mom, craft glitter and all!!!
Besides the US, Japan and Spain have the most views....Thank you Miho, Joaquin and Caty!!! Those are the obvious ones. There is one that I am really curious about. I have had 131 views from Russia. In my mind I have 2 scenarios...it is an Ex-Patriot living in a suburb of Moscow that logs on over her morning coffee. She too is a mostly stay at home suburban mom, like me, and she is a bit "culturally" homesick and finds comfort in the misadventures of my family. The second scenario is that it is an old Russian women who reads with disgust over the "problems" that I have with my kids. Either way I feel connected to my Russian reader and I worry about him/her when I see that they haven't viewed in a while. If you are reading this from Russia send me an email and say hi! I am so curious to see if the humor/experiences translate into other cultures. I kind of think they might. Latvia and Lithuania are coming on strong with a recent surge in page views. I will compile a list of countries where it has been viewed. It is cool to see that people from all over the world are reading my words!!! If I ever win the lottery I am going to take a Tales of a Mini Van Mom world tour!!
Chuck was the one who told me this morning that I hit the 10,000 views milestone. Over my coffee this morning I was explaining that I think it is because I am "every mom"...kind of like Whitney Houston singing she is every woman. All moms face the same issues, struggles and joys with their kids. I just dare to actually put it out there for all to see...the good, the bad and the ugly. I think moms can relate to my posts. As I was explaining my theory Chuck interupts me and says, "hey 'every mom' you have some glitter on your eye"...yup...I am every mom...even in my little personal victories I am just a mom, craft glitter and all!!!
Friday, October 5, 2012
My days are numbered
I have a stalker that is out to kill me. Literally. This being truly wants me dead and will stop at nothing until their goal is achieved. As far as I can tell she has 4 major plots to take me out; heart attack, poisoning, staged "accident" and a flat out wild animal attack. My nemesis, or my Newman, is Lucy our cat. We adopted her 9 months ago when she was 4 1/2 years old. I would have returned her to the shelter about 8 1/2 months ago if not for the fact she makes an awesome pet for the girls. She snuggles with them, lets them dress her up, pull her around in the wagon and even sleeps in her cat bed which is now located in the top bunk with Sara. They love her and she loves them. So she is a keeper. However, Lucy and I have a mutual disdain for each other. If you know me you may find that hard to believe. I usually LOVE my pets. My friend Shannon once said that if she were to be reincarnated she wanted to come back as one of my pets. I am an awesome pet owner. I know I can't put that on my resume and it won't get me anywhere but it is true. For whatever reason Lucy has hated me from the start. I have tried to get into her good graces but nothing has worked so I have decided to cut my loses and just coexist with her. Nothing more, nothing less.
Like I said, we adopted her from a shelter. Supposedly she was given away because her owner suddenly developed allergies. I am calling radishes on that one...that is TMZ speak for bullsh*t. I think they decided this cat was too creepy and weird and they decided to cut their loses. Lucky me...
Let me introduce you to the murder plots I have uncovered so far...
#1. A heart attack- There have been several occasions where Lucy has scared the bejesus out of me. I have cardiac issues...one of these days she may just induce the "big one". She is an all black cat except for a tiny spot of white under her neck. She is stealth. Lucy also is pretty industrious. She can open cabinet doors. There have been a few times after everyone goes to bed the house is silent and dark I head into the kitchen for a snack. I open the cabinet and get the shock of my life when all of the sudden there are 2 green eyes staring at me. Or I will turn around and come face to face with her on the kitchen island. The kicker is she has a cold stare that just goes right through me. No one else sees this side of her, she saves it all for me. Yay me! A few nights ago I fell asleep on the couch while watching TV. I woke up to the sensation that someone was really close to my face. I am thinking it is Chuck (wink, wink)...I open my eyes seductively only to see those creepy green eyes about an inch away from mine and her licking her lips like the is getting ready to go in for the kill...I will have to start sleeping with one eye open from now on.
#2. Poisoning. Lucy is gross. She has a weird obsession with plastic. She is constantly licking any plastic she can get her cat paws on. Plastic bags are her preference but she will lick anything plastic. The sound alone of her sand paper tongue scraping along the plastic is enough to make your skin crawl, let alone all the germs she is infecting them with. She is an indoor cat so fortunately there are no dead rodent germs but lets be honest here, cats lick themselves...paws, ears and oh yes my friends, their asses. Lucy is no exception. She goes to town on her white balloon knot. Then she hunts down any plastic she can find...onions are now immediately taken out of their red plastic netting. She loved that. Same with potatoes, they come right out of their bag. Our counters are near spotless because she can not be trusted. The other day I was happily drinking with a straw only to walk into the kitchen and she her on the counter getting frisky with the straws that we keep in a cup on the counter...she is going to get me one way or another.
#3. Staged "accident". Lucy is silent and soon to be deadly. Again, she is a black cat that loves to sneak up on me. I have tried collars with jingle bells but she gets out of them. I will be walking through the house at night and suddenly trip over my own feet. Or so I think...I will then see her out of the corner of my eye, she weaves in and out of my legs when I am walking. What the hell is with that? It is like she is doing some type of kitty field sobriety test. She loves sleeping with Sara. So much so that Sara moved Lucy's cat bed up into the top bunk with her. Lucy loves sleeping up there. I still tuck Sara in even though she is on the top of the bunk bed. Well Lucy has her own bedtime ritual too and it includes annoying the sh*t out of me. Before she settles into her cat bed in the far corner of the bunk she sprawls out right in front of the ladder. She plants herself and digs in like dead weight. I try moving her which is near impossible so I end up doing a mini Cirque Du Soliel act to maneuver over her. What I really want to do is forcefully throw her off the top bunk and go about my business but, I can't because Sara is watching and seeing her mom abuse her cat may cause some psychological damage down the road. Last night at about 2 a.m. Sara had a nightmare. I ran in to check on her. The screaming made Lucy bolt so I had a clear path up to Sara. I settle her in and I head back down the ladder. At that exact moment Lucy stealthy decides it is time to climb back up the ladder. I of course lose my footing and slip down the ladder whacking my shin bone on every flippin rung. I can't scream out and proclaim the agony I was in because I would then wake up Sara AND Anna...so once again I hold it in. I hate that friggin cat!!
#4. Wild animal attack. We have had Lucy for 9 months. In that time we have been able to clip ONE of her nails. Not one paw. ONE NAIL!! We have tried. Trust me, we have tried. She is my 4th cat. I know how to clip their nails. I have been doing it for 12 years. When we try with Lucy she channels her inner panther. She gets an even more wild, crazed look in her eyes and she tries to bite, scratch and screeches like a girl (that is how Sara describes it). Chuck wraps her in a blanket and tries his best to hold her down...the strength of 10 men could not hold her down. She is terrifying when she gets like that. Even Chuck is afraid of her. Gracie, my shy, timid cat who stays far away from Lucy even come out and tries to protect me when she is in attack mode. We gave up. I called the vet and scheduled an appointment. I told them they would need at least 3 people and the hawk gloves and that she may need to be sedated. I get her in the crate and she screeches the whole way there. They take her in the back and the girls and i brace ourselves for the screeches that are sure to ensue. Nothing...it is silent. About 3 minutes later the vet tech emerges and says she is done. What? Oh yeah, Lucy cooperated. The tech did it by HERSELF!!! and Lucy just silently sat there and let her do it. WTF!!!!
The girls said they couldn't believe she was a faker. So it made me realize that it is all an act. She is just out to get me. I give up. You win Lucy. I will just have to bide my time. How long do indoor cats usually live anyway?
Like I said, we adopted her from a shelter. Supposedly she was given away because her owner suddenly developed allergies. I am calling radishes on that one...that is TMZ speak for bullsh*t. I think they decided this cat was too creepy and weird and they decided to cut their loses. Lucky me...
Let me introduce you to the murder plots I have uncovered so far...
#1. A heart attack- There have been several occasions where Lucy has scared the bejesus out of me. I have cardiac issues...one of these days she may just induce the "big one". She is an all black cat except for a tiny spot of white under her neck. She is stealth. Lucy also is pretty industrious. She can open cabinet doors. There have been a few times after everyone goes to bed the house is silent and dark I head into the kitchen for a snack. I open the cabinet and get the shock of my life when all of the sudden there are 2 green eyes staring at me. Or I will turn around and come face to face with her on the kitchen island. The kicker is she has a cold stare that just goes right through me. No one else sees this side of her, she saves it all for me. Yay me! A few nights ago I fell asleep on the couch while watching TV. I woke up to the sensation that someone was really close to my face. I am thinking it is Chuck (wink, wink)...I open my eyes seductively only to see those creepy green eyes about an inch away from mine and her licking her lips like the is getting ready to go in for the kill...I will have to start sleeping with one eye open from now on.
#2. Poisoning. Lucy is gross. She has a weird obsession with plastic. She is constantly licking any plastic she can get her cat paws on. Plastic bags are her preference but she will lick anything plastic. The sound alone of her sand paper tongue scraping along the plastic is enough to make your skin crawl, let alone all the germs she is infecting them with. She is an indoor cat so fortunately there are no dead rodent germs but lets be honest here, cats lick themselves...paws, ears and oh yes my friends, their asses. Lucy is no exception. She goes to town on her white balloon knot. Then she hunts down any plastic she can find...onions are now immediately taken out of their red plastic netting. She loved that. Same with potatoes, they come right out of their bag. Our counters are near spotless because she can not be trusted. The other day I was happily drinking with a straw only to walk into the kitchen and she her on the counter getting frisky with the straws that we keep in a cup on the counter...she is going to get me one way or another.
#3. Staged "accident". Lucy is silent and soon to be deadly. Again, she is a black cat that loves to sneak up on me. I have tried collars with jingle bells but she gets out of them. I will be walking through the house at night and suddenly trip over my own feet. Or so I think...I will then see her out of the corner of my eye, she weaves in and out of my legs when I am walking. What the hell is with that? It is like she is doing some type of kitty field sobriety test. She loves sleeping with Sara. So much so that Sara moved Lucy's cat bed up into the top bunk with her. Lucy loves sleeping up there. I still tuck Sara in even though she is on the top of the bunk bed. Well Lucy has her own bedtime ritual too and it includes annoying the sh*t out of me. Before she settles into her cat bed in the far corner of the bunk she sprawls out right in front of the ladder. She plants herself and digs in like dead weight. I try moving her which is near impossible so I end up doing a mini Cirque Du Soliel act to maneuver over her. What I really want to do is forcefully throw her off the top bunk and go about my business but, I can't because Sara is watching and seeing her mom abuse her cat may cause some psychological damage down the road. Last night at about 2 a.m. Sara had a nightmare. I ran in to check on her. The screaming made Lucy bolt so I had a clear path up to Sara. I settle her in and I head back down the ladder. At that exact moment Lucy stealthy decides it is time to climb back up the ladder. I of course lose my footing and slip down the ladder whacking my shin bone on every flippin rung. I can't scream out and proclaim the agony I was in because I would then wake up Sara AND Anna...so once again I hold it in. I hate that friggin cat!!
#4. Wild animal attack. We have had Lucy for 9 months. In that time we have been able to clip ONE of her nails. Not one paw. ONE NAIL!! We have tried. Trust me, we have tried. She is my 4th cat. I know how to clip their nails. I have been doing it for 12 years. When we try with Lucy she channels her inner panther. She gets an even more wild, crazed look in her eyes and she tries to bite, scratch and screeches like a girl (that is how Sara describes it). Chuck wraps her in a blanket and tries his best to hold her down...the strength of 10 men could not hold her down. She is terrifying when she gets like that. Even Chuck is afraid of her. Gracie, my shy, timid cat who stays far away from Lucy even come out and tries to protect me when she is in attack mode. We gave up. I called the vet and scheduled an appointment. I told them they would need at least 3 people and the hawk gloves and that she may need to be sedated. I get her in the crate and she screeches the whole way there. They take her in the back and the girls and i brace ourselves for the screeches that are sure to ensue. Nothing...it is silent. About 3 minutes later the vet tech emerges and says she is done. What? Oh yeah, Lucy cooperated. The tech did it by HERSELF!!! and Lucy just silently sat there and let her do it. WTF!!!!
The girls said they couldn't believe she was a faker. So it made me realize that it is all an act. She is just out to get me. I give up. You win Lucy. I will just have to bide my time. How long do indoor cats usually live anyway?
Friday, September 28, 2012
The poop stops here!!
Or at least I hope it does!! So if you have been following my blog you know that Sara has some GI issues and that from time to time it flares up. Well it is that time again! Yay!! (please read "Yay" in a soft, faux excited voice while raising your arms in mock triumph)...there is nothing joyful about it.
As luck would have it, I hit the sh*tpot!! I guess a truly lucky person would win the lottery on their days off. They win the jackpot. My luck is such that these "cleanouts" ALWAYS happen on my days off. Not Chuck's...hence the sh*tpot!! That my friends is my prize to claim.
So this is about the 3rd flare up in only a few months time. I know the drill by now but it never gets easier. So I batten down the hatches and get ready to deal with the crap...both literally and figuratively. I know better than trying to venture out into society so I get to stay home for 48 hours straight. My version of hell on earth. So I start pumping Sarita with her meds and wait...and wait...and wait...in the meantime she fells like crap (pun intended) so she takes it out on me, Anna on occasion, but mostly me. I can handle it..I ignore all the insults (you are the worst mommy ever, you don't let us do anything fun, you are boring, you have a pimple under your nose), I fill the tub. I empty the tub. I bleach out the tub. 5 times on Wednesday alone. I lost count how many times in total. I even cleaned poop off the bathroom wall...don't ask!!!
As if this weren't enough Anna decides to get in on the action. I think in the grand scheme of things she felt left out so the bugger starts having accidents of her own. Isn't it usually the older child that regresses? Nope, not here...the 2 year old decides to join in. So now I am cleaning up poop AND pee accidents. At least Sara is taking care of business in the bathroom. Anna pees where ever she happens to be...on the carpet, in her room, under the table. It is like I have a flippin puppy. How one child can have that much urine inside of her is the 8th Wonder of the World. I ran out of undies for them. I had to have gone through 27 pairs that day. I would not give in. Anna was NOT going back in diapers. I was going to outlast her. Perseverance paid off for me (or she became dehydrated and had no pee left) because she finally stayed dry for a 2 hour span. Later she comes to me and tells me that there was something in her pants. Sure enough, I could see something underneath her pant leg. I think it is a little Squinkie toy and reach up and pull it out. IT WAS POOP!!! How did she not know she had poop floating around in her pant leg? Then she has the audacity to yell at me and tell me I am gross for touching poop!! Are you Serious? She is the uncivilized one who craps herself and she has the gall to call me out...I wanted to throw my hands up, get in my car and clear my head. But, unfortunately I could not...not because they are minors and legally I am obligated to provide supervision...not because Sara was sick, taking medication and needed to be monitored for adverse reactions...and not because I could not in good conscience ask someone to babysit them knowing full well the sh*t show they would encounter...no my friends, there is a much darker reason...
We had a big bottle of prune juice in the fridge. Sara's doctor recommended it last time she was having issues. He said it was a gentle way of getting things done. Sara took one look of the color and refused to even try it. I refuse to waste food. It is one of my biggest pet peeves. I was also desperate. It was the day before grocery shopping and I was out of my Crystal light. I am not a water drinker. Too boring. So I poured myself a large glass (about 16 ounces) of the prune juice. It was really good. Later that afternoon I was thirsty again. I had another 16 ounce glass of it...
Gentle my ass!!!
Upon further research turns out prune juice should only be taken in moderation. 4 ounces TOPS!! I had 32 ounces in less than an 8 hour span. Needless to say I was in no condition to leave the house that afternoon either...It was a crappy 2 days off...again, pun intended.
As luck would have it, I hit the sh*tpot!! I guess a truly lucky person would win the lottery on their days off. They win the jackpot. My luck is such that these "cleanouts" ALWAYS happen on my days off. Not Chuck's...hence the sh*tpot!! That my friends is my prize to claim.
So this is about the 3rd flare up in only a few months time. I know the drill by now but it never gets easier. So I batten down the hatches and get ready to deal with the crap...both literally and figuratively. I know better than trying to venture out into society so I get to stay home for 48 hours straight. My version of hell on earth. So I start pumping Sarita with her meds and wait...and wait...and wait...in the meantime she fells like crap (pun intended) so she takes it out on me, Anna on occasion, but mostly me. I can handle it..I ignore all the insults (you are the worst mommy ever, you don't let us do anything fun, you are boring, you have a pimple under your nose), I fill the tub. I empty the tub. I bleach out the tub. 5 times on Wednesday alone. I lost count how many times in total. I even cleaned poop off the bathroom wall...don't ask!!!
As if this weren't enough Anna decides to get in on the action. I think in the grand scheme of things she felt left out so the bugger starts having accidents of her own. Isn't it usually the older child that regresses? Nope, not here...the 2 year old decides to join in. So now I am cleaning up poop AND pee accidents. At least Sara is taking care of business in the bathroom. Anna pees where ever she happens to be...on the carpet, in her room, under the table. It is like I have a flippin puppy. How one child can have that much urine inside of her is the 8th Wonder of the World. I ran out of undies for them. I had to have gone through 27 pairs that day. I would not give in. Anna was NOT going back in diapers. I was going to outlast her. Perseverance paid off for me (or she became dehydrated and had no pee left) because she finally stayed dry for a 2 hour span. Later she comes to me and tells me that there was something in her pants. Sure enough, I could see something underneath her pant leg. I think it is a little Squinkie toy and reach up and pull it out. IT WAS POOP!!! How did she not know she had poop floating around in her pant leg? Then she has the audacity to yell at me and tell me I am gross for touching poop!! Are you Serious? She is the uncivilized one who craps herself and she has the gall to call me out...I wanted to throw my hands up, get in my car and clear my head. But, unfortunately I could not...not because they are minors and legally I am obligated to provide supervision...not because Sara was sick, taking medication and needed to be monitored for adverse reactions...and not because I could not in good conscience ask someone to babysit them knowing full well the sh*t show they would encounter...no my friends, there is a much darker reason...
We had a big bottle of prune juice in the fridge. Sara's doctor recommended it last time she was having issues. He said it was a gentle way of getting things done. Sara took one look of the color and refused to even try it. I refuse to waste food. It is one of my biggest pet peeves. I was also desperate. It was the day before grocery shopping and I was out of my Crystal light. I am not a water drinker. Too boring. So I poured myself a large glass (about 16 ounces) of the prune juice. It was really good. Later that afternoon I was thirsty again. I had another 16 ounce glass of it...
Gentle my ass!!!
Upon further research turns out prune juice should only be taken in moderation. 4 ounces TOPS!! I had 32 ounces in less than an 8 hour span. Needless to say I was in no condition to leave the house that afternoon either...It was a crappy 2 days off...again, pun intended.
Friday, September 21, 2012
All in a day's words...
These are actual things my children have said in the 24 hour span that was yesterday...
* Sara: Hey mom, you have something on your butt.
Me: Really, what is it? Maybe it is just dust from the door?
Sara: Nope, I don't know what it is. I saw it there this morning when we were waiting at school.
Me: Why didn't you tell me?
Sara: I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everyone.
Thanks Sara, I waited in the school yard for drop off AND pick up with something on my a$$. In between that I went to Market Basket for many, many more people to see. Thanks for looking out for me Sara.
So Anna and I were at Market Basket...as you all know that always lends itself to a blog post. Yesterday was no exception...
Anna is a very funny kid. I could just sit and listen to her for hours. She is however, almost always unintentionally inappropriate. Yesterday she did not disappoint.
*While in the cereal aisle I told her she could pick a box she liked. She said she wanted "fruit balls" (Trix). I said sure. Then she went on and on expounding on the merits of "balls". "I love fruity balls...they are delicious". "I like chocolate balls (Cocoa Puffs) too". "Balls are yummy"!! Now like you may have figured out by now...I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy and that to me was comic genius.
*Again, another Market Basket gem...we got to walk past the diaper aisle!!! Anna is doing great with potty training, she only needs a diaper at night. I told her I was so happy that I didn't need to buy any diapers. She agreed and added "diapers make my butt and muh-gina (vagina) hot and stinky...I don't like diapers!! I don't like having a hot muh-gina"...of course this she says as loud as can be in the cracker/chip aisle...one of the higher traffic aisles in the store...so I was not the only one that got to share in her words of wisdom.
And lastly, this was right before bedtime...Anna was asleep, Chuck was exercising and I was helping Sara finish up in the bathroom. She says, "hey mom, remember when daddy broke the toilet seat?" I tell her yes, I remember. She asks if it was because he has a fat bum (for the record he doesn't). I said no, it was an old toilet seat and sometimes when you sit on them the wrong way they can crack. She says to me totally serious and with a very thoughtful look, "it is kind of weird that you didn't break it since you are fatter than daddy"...Again, for the record that is NOT true!!! If any of you know Sara in real life you can understand why I could not debate the issue with her...it would set her off and cause a round of grunting, screaming and pouting. I decided to just go on with my night, but, I did pass on an after dinner snack....
Can only imagine what today's conversations will bring.
* Sara: Hey mom, you have something on your butt.
Me: Really, what is it? Maybe it is just dust from the door?
Sara: Nope, I don't know what it is. I saw it there this morning when we were waiting at school.
Me: Why didn't you tell me?
Sara: I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everyone.
Thanks Sara, I waited in the school yard for drop off AND pick up with something on my a$$. In between that I went to Market Basket for many, many more people to see. Thanks for looking out for me Sara.
So Anna and I were at Market Basket...as you all know that always lends itself to a blog post. Yesterday was no exception...
Anna is a very funny kid. I could just sit and listen to her for hours. She is however, almost always unintentionally inappropriate. Yesterday she did not disappoint.
*While in the cereal aisle I told her she could pick a box she liked. She said she wanted "fruit balls" (Trix). I said sure. Then she went on and on expounding on the merits of "balls". "I love fruity balls...they are delicious". "I like chocolate balls (Cocoa Puffs) too". "Balls are yummy"!! Now like you may have figured out by now...I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy and that to me was comic genius.
*Again, another Market Basket gem...we got to walk past the diaper aisle!!! Anna is doing great with potty training, she only needs a diaper at night. I told her I was so happy that I didn't need to buy any diapers. She agreed and added "diapers make my butt and muh-gina (vagina) hot and stinky...I don't like diapers!! I don't like having a hot muh-gina"...of course this she says as loud as can be in the cracker/chip aisle...one of the higher traffic aisles in the store...so I was not the only one that got to share in her words of wisdom.
And lastly, this was right before bedtime...Anna was asleep, Chuck was exercising and I was helping Sara finish up in the bathroom. She says, "hey mom, remember when daddy broke the toilet seat?" I tell her yes, I remember. She asks if it was because he has a fat bum (for the record he doesn't). I said no, it was an old toilet seat and sometimes when you sit on them the wrong way they can crack. She says to me totally serious and with a very thoughtful look, "it is kind of weird that you didn't break it since you are fatter than daddy"...Again, for the record that is NOT true!!! If any of you know Sara in real life you can understand why I could not debate the issue with her...it would set her off and cause a round of grunting, screaming and pouting. I decided to just go on with my night, but, I did pass on an after dinner snack....
Can only imagine what today's conversations will bring.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Payback is a...sporty smelling men's deoderant
Sorry for the long delay in a new post. I have been busy with everything and nothing. Anyway I have been pretty sleep deprived lately...no new reason, just more of the same...kids waking up to pee, skunks spraying at 3 a.m., cats that are out to ruin my life and just general insomnia. So I have been cranky. I know you are all thinking, not Erin! She is so easy going....I can hear Chuck laughing at work right now. But, yes my friends it is true...I have been less than pleasant lately. If you don't believe me just as the poor schleps that work at the phone company...they have been experiencing my wrath daily for a week now. There are a couple of examples that really stand out, I am sure my betrothed can site many more examples but I will share two.
Example #1. I am a mother. Therefore, I have nothing nice anymore and nothing that is my own. I never buy anything for myself, everything is for the girls. I actually bought some new eye shadow lately. Nothing crazy, nothing expensive. Just $8 age defying eye shadow that was specifically for "tired eyes". I went for it. I had to look good for Madonna. When I got home I got all my old make-up together and gave it to the girls. They have their own kid stuff but they really think it is a treat to use mine. They were in their glory and quite frankly looking like two circus clowns. I had the new shadow for less than 24 hours when I went to get ready for the first PTA meeting of the new school year. I had dinner with the fam, took a shower, got dressed, dried my hair and even put it in velcro rollers. I was going to make a good impression this year. I grabbed my new eye shadow to put on the finishing touches. I opened it up and found it shattered!! SHATTERED!! I was overcome with such rage. I yanked out the rollers and threw them in their box, was yelling and carrying on about how I have nothing that is sacred. Thank God it was still hot out and the air conditioners were on and the windows were closed, if not the neighbors would have certainly called McClean's looking to see if they had a bed for me. For those of you not from around here McLean's is the local psychiatric hospital. Chuck was mumbling something about a mental patient. Yes, I was talking to myself and yes, I way over reacted to a small infraction by a 2 and 4 year old but I was so mad. So mad in fact that I did not go to the PTA meeting that night. I was afraid that I could not complete a sentence with including an f-bomb. Not the impression I was hoping to make...The next day I did go out and buy ALL new makeup and I hid it so the girls don't even get a glimpse of it the theory being that what they don't know about they can't ruin.
Example #2. This past Thursday I had a busy day. Nothing out of the ordinary, brought Sara too and from school, cleaned the house, made breakfast, lunch and dinner, waited for the phone guy and played with the kids. Just a typical weekday. Well, since it was Thursday it was grocery shopping night. My plan was to go as soon as Chuck got home. He got home and made some comment, nothing terrible and if I had at least one good night's sleep in the past 5 years I probably would have let it roll off my shoulders. BUT, since the previous night I only slept from 4:30 a.m. until 5:11 a.m. I was not in a forgiving mood. I said that's it. I am not going shopping, I am going in my room and I am done for the night. So I made myself a pizza, grabbed a soda and off I went to sulk. Well, the grocery shopping was never done that night. To prove some ridiculous point I told Chuck if he wanted the shopping done he would need to do it himself. Little did I know this tantrum would come back to bite me. He did do the shopping after work on Friday. He came home with 2 minutes to spare before I had to leave for work. But one very important thing was on the grocery list. MY deodorant. So in the course of getting ready I realized that I had forgotten that one important detail. I scrambled but there was nothing left in mine. I had to go to work, I can't go smelly (it is a fragrance free environment and any of you that know me in the real world know that if it is over 55 degrees out I sweat, not perspire, not glow, but SWEAT!! I would stink and that is probably, technically breaking the fragrance free rule). There was no way I could go without or try to substitute with powder...I had to bite the bullet and use Chuck's sporty smelling deodorant. So now, not only was I still pissed over the original "non" incident but for the next 5 hours at work all I could smell was Chuck's Speed Stick in Irish Spring scent.
Lessons leaned; Give up on the dream of having anything nice as long as my children are still preschoolers and NEVER try to prove a point when personal hygiene items are on the line.
* This blog was brought to you by Mennen...
Example #1. I am a mother. Therefore, I have nothing nice anymore and nothing that is my own. I never buy anything for myself, everything is for the girls. I actually bought some new eye shadow lately. Nothing crazy, nothing expensive. Just $8 age defying eye shadow that was specifically for "tired eyes". I went for it. I had to look good for Madonna. When I got home I got all my old make-up together and gave it to the girls. They have their own kid stuff but they really think it is a treat to use mine. They were in their glory and quite frankly looking like two circus clowns. I had the new shadow for less than 24 hours when I went to get ready for the first PTA meeting of the new school year. I had dinner with the fam, took a shower, got dressed, dried my hair and even put it in velcro rollers. I was going to make a good impression this year. I grabbed my new eye shadow to put on the finishing touches. I opened it up and found it shattered!! SHATTERED!! I was overcome with such rage. I yanked out the rollers and threw them in their box, was yelling and carrying on about how I have nothing that is sacred. Thank God it was still hot out and the air conditioners were on and the windows were closed, if not the neighbors would have certainly called McClean's looking to see if they had a bed for me. For those of you not from around here McLean's is the local psychiatric hospital. Chuck was mumbling something about a mental patient. Yes, I was talking to myself and yes, I way over reacted to a small infraction by a 2 and 4 year old but I was so mad. So mad in fact that I did not go to the PTA meeting that night. I was afraid that I could not complete a sentence with including an f-bomb. Not the impression I was hoping to make...The next day I did go out and buy ALL new makeup and I hid it so the girls don't even get a glimpse of it the theory being that what they don't know about they can't ruin.
Example #2. This past Thursday I had a busy day. Nothing out of the ordinary, brought Sara too and from school, cleaned the house, made breakfast, lunch and dinner, waited for the phone guy and played with the kids. Just a typical weekday. Well, since it was Thursday it was grocery shopping night. My plan was to go as soon as Chuck got home. He got home and made some comment, nothing terrible and if I had at least one good night's sleep in the past 5 years I probably would have let it roll off my shoulders. BUT, since the previous night I only slept from 4:30 a.m. until 5:11 a.m. I was not in a forgiving mood. I said that's it. I am not going shopping, I am going in my room and I am done for the night. So I made myself a pizza, grabbed a soda and off I went to sulk. Well, the grocery shopping was never done that night. To prove some ridiculous point I told Chuck if he wanted the shopping done he would need to do it himself. Little did I know this tantrum would come back to bite me. He did do the shopping after work on Friday. He came home with 2 minutes to spare before I had to leave for work. But one very important thing was on the grocery list. MY deodorant. So in the course of getting ready I realized that I had forgotten that one important detail. I scrambled but there was nothing left in mine. I had to go to work, I can't go smelly (it is a fragrance free environment and any of you that know me in the real world know that if it is over 55 degrees out I sweat, not perspire, not glow, but SWEAT!! I would stink and that is probably, technically breaking the fragrance free rule). There was no way I could go without or try to substitute with powder...I had to bite the bullet and use Chuck's sporty smelling deodorant. So now, not only was I still pissed over the original "non" incident but for the next 5 hours at work all I could smell was Chuck's Speed Stick in Irish Spring scent.
Lessons leaned; Give up on the dream of having anything nice as long as my children are still preschoolers and NEVER try to prove a point when personal hygiene items are on the line.
* This blog was brought to you by Mennen...
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