The day started off like any other day...I had no idea my life and everything I had ever believed in was about to change forever. We decided to go car shopping. No big deal I thought. I have never really been into cars, I am not a car snob. I just need something practical to get me safely from one place to another.
We headed out to the dealership. We were going to look at a Honda Pilot. The girls were getting bigger and the back of the CR-V was tight with their car seats. Plus, I was hoping for something with a third row so we could bring friends with us if we ever made some out here.
The Pilot was nice but I have to admit it did feel like I was driving a truck. Plus there was not really much storage for the kids things and the third row was more like jump seats and if you were taller than 4 feet you would not fit comfortably. Oh, and, it was out of our price range. Oh well, we tried. Time to move on. Right? Chuck, the dealer and I were all shuffling around nervously. No one wanted to be the first to bring up the elephant in the room...THE ODYSSEY...Honda's Minivan. I am not sure who brought it up first...it is all a blur to me now...you know in the movie the Bodyguard when Kevin Costner sees the red laser light, dives across the stage to save Whitney Houston in extreme slow motion while yelling "no" in that long, warbled, drawn out voice? It was something like that.
A few hours later we were pulling out of the dealership in our brand new Odyssey. The salesman ( a young, handsome, single guy) kept saying things like the Odyssey is a cool mini van. If he could afford it he would buy one too. Yeah, right! He knew it was lame and I am sure it is a game all the salespeople play. Kind of like a drinking game...every time you hear another salesperson try to make the minivan sound cool you take a swig. I am sure they were all tanked by the time he was done with us.
So a day or two later we were driving around with the girls sleeping in the back. We got pulled over. We hadn't had it registered yet....no judgements, legally we had 10 days. It was a young officer. Of course I didn't have the proper paperwork with me so he had no way of knowing if we were in the car legally or if we had stolen it. I asked him "really?...you really think we would steal a minivan? with two sleeping preschoolers in the back? Honestly, you should feel bad for us..." He let us go with a warning as he walked away laughing.
A few weeks after that I went shopping, parked my van in the lot like normal. I came out and to my horror noticed a huge key mark down the side. I wanted to cry...was I starting to bond with my van?...Like one of my friends said, "who the f*ck would key a mini van?" I know, right? You would think they would feel bad for me for having to drive it in first place and just let it be. Well, I went into minivan mom mode. I called Target and asked them to review their security tapes (I watch Nancy Grace, I know Target is loaded with cameras...if they could see what brand of beer Casey Anthony bought they should be able to see who keyed my car)...they said they would look into it, sadly they never called me back. Believe it or not that was a much better response I got than the one from the local Police. They said there was nothing they could do...they wouldn't even take a report. Really? In my mind this was a crime against humanity...or at least a hate crime. Nope. Apparently mini van moms are not a protected class. Go figure. 10 months later Sara still asks why someone would scrape our car. I have no answer for her. I think it is a cold case that will sadly never be solved but I would love to delve into the psyche of what type of person would commit such a heinous crime. I bet as a child the person killed puppies and pulled wings off of flies...
I am just going to put it out there...it drives like a dream and is great for getting the kids in and out. I am not going to lie it is awesome and I do love it. It is just a bit harder coming to terms with what it represents. I am starting coming to grips with the fact I am at this new stage of my life...the minivan stage. I swore that would never be me...I was always going to be the cool, hip mom but practically now rules my world. The other day when I was driving by a glass storefront and caught a glimpse of myself in the drivers seat for the first time since I got the keys I didn't shudder and feel bad. I felt empowered. I AM a minivan mom! Hear me roar!!
PS- I did immediately then start daydreaming about what kind of sporty car I am going to get myself once the girls are older.
This blog was written as I sat in the Honda dealership yesterday getting an upgrade to the van. As I was walking out I saw a young couple with two kids looking at the Pilot...any bets they end up driving out in a min van? I did think I saw the sales crew teeing up the shot glasses. Cheers young, naive couple. CHEERS!!!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Cougar, really? More like a skunk...
Have you ever noticed that people are often referred to as animals? My little chickadee, love-bug, what a fox, puppy love, as big as a cow, ate like a pig, hungry as a horse...the list goes on and on. Well somehow now the term cougar has come along. I realized yesterday I am not a cougar. I am a skunk....
Yesterday started off like a normal day...got the kids up and ready for the day. Unlike a "typical" normal day I actually got Sara to school on time BEFORE the doors closed. I had 2 1/2 hours before I had to pick her up from preschool. I have a wedding and two other events coming up. I need a dress for the wedding and an outfit for the events. I decided to go shopping. Nothing like clothes shopping to ruin your day.
The only store open yet is Khol's. In my head I am still 25 so I head to the Lauren Conrad section. Nothing in my size. OK, it is a big store I think they will have something for me...Then something shiny catches my eye and I turn around. It is the J-LO section! So much glitter and sparkle. I look through and pick out a dress and some other things to try on. I head for the dressing room with Anna in tow. The first few were duds...I am holding out hope for the J-Lo dress. It is so hip and trendy and really matches my 25 year old ideal. Just as I was leaning over to pull it on Anna starts to rub my butt..."Mommy your bum is so soft....mommy your belly is really soft too"...I am starting to worry that the dress may be out of my league. On a side not I would like to thank the other women in the dressing room for not laughing at the stream of consciousness coming from Anna. If the tables were turned not sure I would have been so generous...Back to the story...I would like to say I "slipped" the J-Lo dress on but there was much more tugging, pulling and tucking involved than actual "slipping". There is not a Spanx strong enough to pull this look off. As I looked at myself in the mirror the ugly truth hit me...I am not 25 anymore. I haven't been in 14 years. It was time to move out of the Junior's section and face up to reality. I put everything back and headed to the other side of the store. The Croft and Barrow section! I looked and looked but everything looked to "old" to me and I just couldn't do it. I was starting to get overwhelmed so I headed out of the store before I bought a sweatshirt with applique on it just to have something to bring home.
We got in the car and started to head home and I thought I would try another store. It is known for having trendy clothes for older, softer women. It was starting to sink in that I am 39 and I need to start acting the part. I drove by a couple of times before biting the bullet and heading in. I tired a couple of dresses on and wasn't impressed. The salesgirl came back with some other choices. They were great!!! Trendy tops that actually fit without revealing too much! I ended up getting a couple of things. I could be trendy and hip while being age-appropriate. I got the sparkle I wanted without looking like I was trying to hard. My spirits started to lift again. It was short lived.
So I had a work type function last night. Since I have 2 children I don't get out much and this was sadly going to be my social outing for the week. I got all ready for it...maybe a little too much eye makeup than the situation called for, had my "jeggings" on with my tall, super cute and totally uncomfortable black boots. I looked good...or did I? I re-evaluated my look and saw a middle aged, suburban mom trying a bit too hard. I changed my pants, put on practical, comfortable shoes and wiped some of the make up off. I was coming to terms with my age. Again, short lived.
After the event I come home, get my PJ's on and head into the bathroom to wash my face. I look in the mirror and see something shiny on top of my head. I think it is probably just some glitter left over from the J-Lo dress I tried on. NOPE!!!! It was a patch of about 30 white hairs!!! I panicked...how long had they been there? Had people seen them? Are there more patches in the back that I can't see? I could not get the tweezers out fast enough. I pulled every last one of those suckers out. Now I have a bald patch on the top of my head. I was so disturbed I woke Chuck up to tell him...
I had a hard time falling asleep. It hit me...I am not the cougar I thought I was in my head...I am a skunk.
PS- I still don't have a dress for the wedding...I have to venture out on another shopping trip...UGH!!
Yesterday started off like a normal day...got the kids up and ready for the day. Unlike a "typical" normal day I actually got Sara to school on time BEFORE the doors closed. I had 2 1/2 hours before I had to pick her up from preschool. I have a wedding and two other events coming up. I need a dress for the wedding and an outfit for the events. I decided to go shopping. Nothing like clothes shopping to ruin your day.
The only store open yet is Khol's. In my head I am still 25 so I head to the Lauren Conrad section. Nothing in my size. OK, it is a big store I think they will have something for me...Then something shiny catches my eye and I turn around. It is the J-LO section! So much glitter and sparkle. I look through and pick out a dress and some other things to try on. I head for the dressing room with Anna in tow. The first few were duds...I am holding out hope for the J-Lo dress. It is so hip and trendy and really matches my 25 year old ideal. Just as I was leaning over to pull it on Anna starts to rub my butt..."Mommy your bum is so soft....mommy your belly is really soft too"...I am starting to worry that the dress may be out of my league. On a side not I would like to thank the other women in the dressing room for not laughing at the stream of consciousness coming from Anna. If the tables were turned not sure I would have been so generous...Back to the story...I would like to say I "slipped" the J-Lo dress on but there was much more tugging, pulling and tucking involved than actual "slipping". There is not a Spanx strong enough to pull this look off. As I looked at myself in the mirror the ugly truth hit me...I am not 25 anymore. I haven't been in 14 years. It was time to move out of the Junior's section and face up to reality. I put everything back and headed to the other side of the store. The Croft and Barrow section! I looked and looked but everything looked to "old" to me and I just couldn't do it. I was starting to get overwhelmed so I headed out of the store before I bought a sweatshirt with applique on it just to have something to bring home.
We got in the car and started to head home and I thought I would try another store. It is known for having trendy clothes for older, softer women. It was starting to sink in that I am 39 and I need to start acting the part. I drove by a couple of times before biting the bullet and heading in. I tired a couple of dresses on and wasn't impressed. The salesgirl came back with some other choices. They were great!!! Trendy tops that actually fit without revealing too much! I ended up getting a couple of things. I could be trendy and hip while being age-appropriate. I got the sparkle I wanted without looking like I was trying to hard. My spirits started to lift again. It was short lived.
So I had a work type function last night. Since I have 2 children I don't get out much and this was sadly going to be my social outing for the week. I got all ready for it...maybe a little too much eye makeup than the situation called for, had my "jeggings" on with my tall, super cute and totally uncomfortable black boots. I looked good...or did I? I re-evaluated my look and saw a middle aged, suburban mom trying a bit too hard. I changed my pants, put on practical, comfortable shoes and wiped some of the make up off. I was coming to terms with my age. Again, short lived.
After the event I come home, get my PJ's on and head into the bathroom to wash my face. I look in the mirror and see something shiny on top of my head. I think it is probably just some glitter left over from the J-Lo dress I tried on. NOPE!!!! It was a patch of about 30 white hairs!!! I panicked...how long had they been there? Had people seen them? Are there more patches in the back that I can't see? I could not get the tweezers out fast enough. I pulled every last one of those suckers out. Now I have a bald patch on the top of my head. I was so disturbed I woke Chuck up to tell him...
I had a hard time falling asleep. It hit me...I am not the cougar I thought I was in my head...I am a skunk.
PS- I still don't have a dress for the wedding...I have to venture out on another shopping trip...UGH!!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Confessions of a mini van mom
So I am a huge fan of the Wendy Williams Show. How you doin? She is a friend in my head. Well, last week she had celebrity confessions and every guest had to confess a secret. In that vain here are some of my mommy confessions...
* I do not brush my kids teeth...the thought of it makes me gag. They do it themselves. I do flat out lie to the dentist and tell her that I am helping them.
* Sometimes it takes me a few minutes to remember the last time I washed my kids hair. They take baths all the time but we skip the hair washing...a lot.
* If they leave the room and one of their shows are on I fast forward it a little. I hate kids shows.
* Before Anna could talk I used to blame things on her...like if Sara found one of her crappy McDonald toys or pictures in the trash I would tell her Anna must have put it in there.
* I pulled all the shades down on a snow day so they wouldn't notice. When they did finally see the snow and asked to go outside I told them the people on the news said it was against the law to go out and play that day, that everyone had to stay inside. That was a lie. I was too lazy to get them dressed in their snow clothes.
* This is a wife confession, not a mommy one. I think Chuck and I have a very open and honest communication style. However, that was not always the case. Shortly before we were married I deceived him. I was trying to get in shape for my wedding dress and I was working out at Curves after work. I had told Chuck to stay on top of me and make sure I was following through. One night after work I really did not feel like going. So instead of going home and owning up to my laziness I drove my car behind a liquor store and changed into my gym clothes. I took the long way home, blasted the heat and had my face right up to the vent. By the time I did get home I looked like I had a killer workout...sweaty, red face to prove it. Chuck was none the wiser. Several months after we got married I did come clean.
* In an effort of full disclosure the Curves incident may have happened on more than one occasion.
* I do not brush my kids teeth...the thought of it makes me gag. They do it themselves. I do flat out lie to the dentist and tell her that I am helping them.
* Sometimes it takes me a few minutes to remember the last time I washed my kids hair. They take baths all the time but we skip the hair washing...a lot.
* If they leave the room and one of their shows are on I fast forward it a little. I hate kids shows.
* Before Anna could talk I used to blame things on her...like if Sara found one of her crappy McDonald toys or pictures in the trash I would tell her Anna must have put it in there.
* I pulled all the shades down on a snow day so they wouldn't notice. When they did finally see the snow and asked to go outside I told them the people on the news said it was against the law to go out and play that day, that everyone had to stay inside. That was a lie. I was too lazy to get them dressed in their snow clothes.
* This is a wife confession, not a mommy one. I think Chuck and I have a very open and honest communication style. However, that was not always the case. Shortly before we were married I deceived him. I was trying to get in shape for my wedding dress and I was working out at Curves after work. I had told Chuck to stay on top of me and make sure I was following through. One night after work I really did not feel like going. So instead of going home and owning up to my laziness I drove my car behind a liquor store and changed into my gym clothes. I took the long way home, blasted the heat and had my face right up to the vent. By the time I did get home I looked like I had a killer workout...sweaty, red face to prove it. Chuck was none the wiser. Several months after we got married I did come clean.
* In an effort of full disclosure the Curves incident may have happened on more than one occasion.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
My body is a wonderland...
Not in the John Mayer ode to Jennifer Love Hewitt kind of way. More like the old, broken down racetrack in Revere kind of way. This sad reality came to me yesterday as I was trying to pull some Spanx up over my fat a**. I have put most of the weight back on that I lost last year and I refuse to buy new clothes. I am kind of shaming myself into losing it again. Let's get one thing straight...I know that I have never had the physique of a supermodel but I did start my last decade off looking pretty good. I am not ashamed to admit I had some "work done" a month after I turned 30. I was still single and thought why not. 9 years and 2 kids later the surgery is a distant memory. I will forever hold over my children's head the devastation they have caused my body.
Many years ago I was with some friends getting ready for a night out on the town. One of the girls was changing into a dress for the occasion. Fully clothed she had an average looking, normal body. Well she unzipped her pants and all of the sudden this misshapen, deflated, discolored thing came flying out. Kind of like when a plane crashes and the door opens and the slide automatically inflates..like that. I was horrified. I was still single and childless I had no idea what I was seeing. What the eff was that? Where did all of the flesh come from? She looked so normal. I was pretty disturbed the rest of the night. I could not get that image out of my eyes. It was like it was burnt into my corneas forever. What I did not know then was that I was getting a glimpse into my future...
I got pregnant with my first child and was so excited to get my belly. It came fast. I was in full on maternity clothes by 7 weeks. If any of you had the pleasure of seeing me pregnant. I was ENORMOUS!! In my head I was this super cute pregnant lady with a cute little belly. Not true. If you tipped a VW bug up end to end that was me. Literally. I was the size of an actual VW bug. I could have painted my body all one color, gone to a VW dealership, laid down in a parking spot amongst the other bugs and car shoppers would have walked by me without missing a beat.
I got pregnant again when Sara was a little over a year old. Again, maternity clothes came early. All right, truth be told I never got out of them. I just had to buy bigger sizes with my second pregnancy. Due to a complication I needed to have open abdominal surgery when I was 18 weeks pregnant. The incision was from my belly button on down. So as the scar was trying to heal my belly was still growing. I had Anna and my belly deflated. As it did the scar kind of turned in on itself. Add two c-sections to that surgery and my belly never recovered. I now have what I refer to as a "front bum". Yes, you got it, I have an ass in front. If I took a picture from the front and one from the back, laid them side by side you would be hard pressed to tell one from the other. Or, you know those hand drums that kids play with... the ones you put between your two hands and roll back and forth really fast? Yeah, if you had a picture of me on the front and back and started rolling it really fast it would make your head spin. Is she coming or going? Butt, belly, butt, belly, butt, belly. Oh wait? Or is it belly, butt, belly, butt, belly ,butt?
My girls love to lift my shirt up and squish my belly together and laugh really hard at my "butt". Nice, huh? I always lovingly remind them that they did this to me. Oh, yeah, I am one of those moms....
Like that girl from the party years ago most people would never know about my secret. I look kind of normal to the general public. There are creative ways to tuck it in. Yes, I said tuck it in. I have to tuck it into my pants just like you would a long shirt. How is that for a visual. Thank god for tummy tuck jeans. Yes, there is such a thing. Google it. None of you will ever look at me the same. Out in the open it is kind of looks like an apron...Chuck's description...not mine. Three doctors have told me the only way to get rid of it is through surgery. I am not opposed to that and apparently neither is my husband. We have this weird credit card we got when the cat was sick. It is just for veterinarians, eye doctors and plastic surgeons. Weird combo, but maybe if you fix your eyes you will see you are as big as a cow and you will want a tummy tuck? Well, one time I was complaining about my skin apron and without missing a beat Chuck said that there was a plastic surgeon in Peabody that accepted Care Credit. Not sure if I should have been offended or touched that he had already done his research...the jury is still out on that one.
A few weeks ago I was driving the girls to see their cousin. Sara said, "hey mom did Becky have her baby a year ago?" I said yes. She said, "well, you had Anna TWO years ago, why isn't Becky fat like you". I did lose a bunch of weight last year thanks to Weight Watchers. Sara my ever supportive child had a comment on that too. I went to my first meeting and before I went she was asking me where I was going. I told her I was going to learn how to eat healthy so my belly would not be so squishy. I came home from that first meeting and Sara asked if I went to Weight Watchers. I told her I did, she poked my belly and said, "oh, it didn't work"....
In an effort to try and make you feel better people try to say that stretch marks etc. are a badge of honor or battle scars you earn by being a mom. To hell with that, those platitudes usually come from either someone who hasn't had a baby or worse yet one of those freaks of nature who has and has not one stretch mark to show for it...I think if I were to go out and fight in an actual war my body would not have suffered quite as much and I would have an actual badge of honor to show for it.
My greatest fear is that I am going to be that girl. You know the one that a young, impressionable, childless woman catches a glimpse of as I change my clothes. I don't want to burn anyone's corneas. But, truth be told I am their future, they just don't know it yet.
PS: To all my friends that are pregnant with their first babies, I am sure this won't happen to you...your bellies will be exempt. Just keeping rubbing in the cocoa butter I am sure that will help.
Oh, and if you are wondering if you are the girl from the party... You are not. She is someone from the distant past that would not be reading my blog.
I was recently in Providence and the shortest route for me would be to drive down Waterman Street. I didn't. I took the long way. I did not have the guts to drive by Dr. Barrall's office. What if he caught a glimpse of me? Would he be disappointed that my "before" surgery picture looks BETTER than I do now. Now that I think about it I should have driven by....maybe he takes care credit.
So thinking about it maybe my life is a John Mayer song after all...instead of it being Wonderland I guess my new song by him is Daughters.
Many years ago I was with some friends getting ready for a night out on the town. One of the girls was changing into a dress for the occasion. Fully clothed she had an average looking, normal body. Well she unzipped her pants and all of the sudden this misshapen, deflated, discolored thing came flying out. Kind of like when a plane crashes and the door opens and the slide automatically inflates..like that. I was horrified. I was still single and childless I had no idea what I was seeing. What the eff was that? Where did all of the flesh come from? She looked so normal. I was pretty disturbed the rest of the night. I could not get that image out of my eyes. It was like it was burnt into my corneas forever. What I did not know then was that I was getting a glimpse into my future...
I got pregnant with my first child and was so excited to get my belly. It came fast. I was in full on maternity clothes by 7 weeks. If any of you had the pleasure of seeing me pregnant. I was ENORMOUS!! In my head I was this super cute pregnant lady with a cute little belly. Not true. If you tipped a VW bug up end to end that was me. Literally. I was the size of an actual VW bug. I could have painted my body all one color, gone to a VW dealership, laid down in a parking spot amongst the other bugs and car shoppers would have walked by me without missing a beat.
I got pregnant again when Sara was a little over a year old. Again, maternity clothes came early. All right, truth be told I never got out of them. I just had to buy bigger sizes with my second pregnancy. Due to a complication I needed to have open abdominal surgery when I was 18 weeks pregnant. The incision was from my belly button on down. So as the scar was trying to heal my belly was still growing. I had Anna and my belly deflated. As it did the scar kind of turned in on itself. Add two c-sections to that surgery and my belly never recovered. I now have what I refer to as a "front bum". Yes, you got it, I have an ass in front. If I took a picture from the front and one from the back, laid them side by side you would be hard pressed to tell one from the other. Or, you know those hand drums that kids play with... the ones you put between your two hands and roll back and forth really fast? Yeah, if you had a picture of me on the front and back and started rolling it really fast it would make your head spin. Is she coming or going? Butt, belly, butt, belly, butt, belly. Oh wait? Or is it belly, butt, belly, butt, belly ,butt?
My girls love to lift my shirt up and squish my belly together and laugh really hard at my "butt". Nice, huh? I always lovingly remind them that they did this to me. Oh, yeah, I am one of those moms....
Like that girl from the party years ago most people would never know about my secret. I look kind of normal to the general public. There are creative ways to tuck it in. Yes, I said tuck it in. I have to tuck it into my pants just like you would a long shirt. How is that for a visual. Thank god for tummy tuck jeans. Yes, there is such a thing. Google it. None of you will ever look at me the same. Out in the open it is kind of looks like an apron...Chuck's description...not mine. Three doctors have told me the only way to get rid of it is through surgery. I am not opposed to that and apparently neither is my husband. We have this weird credit card we got when the cat was sick. It is just for veterinarians, eye doctors and plastic surgeons. Weird combo, but maybe if you fix your eyes you will see you are as big as a cow and you will want a tummy tuck? Well, one time I was complaining about my skin apron and without missing a beat Chuck said that there was a plastic surgeon in Peabody that accepted Care Credit. Not sure if I should have been offended or touched that he had already done his research...the jury is still out on that one.
A few weeks ago I was driving the girls to see their cousin. Sara said, "hey mom did Becky have her baby a year ago?" I said yes. She said, "well, you had Anna TWO years ago, why isn't Becky fat like you". I did lose a bunch of weight last year thanks to Weight Watchers. Sara my ever supportive child had a comment on that too. I went to my first meeting and before I went she was asking me where I was going. I told her I was going to learn how to eat healthy so my belly would not be so squishy. I came home from that first meeting and Sara asked if I went to Weight Watchers. I told her I did, she poked my belly and said, "oh, it didn't work"....
In an effort to try and make you feel better people try to say that stretch marks etc. are a badge of honor or battle scars you earn by being a mom. To hell with that, those platitudes usually come from either someone who hasn't had a baby or worse yet one of those freaks of nature who has and has not one stretch mark to show for it...I think if I were to go out and fight in an actual war my body would not have suffered quite as much and I would have an actual badge of honor to show for it.
My greatest fear is that I am going to be that girl. You know the one that a young, impressionable, childless woman catches a glimpse of as I change my clothes. I don't want to burn anyone's corneas. But, truth be told I am their future, they just don't know it yet.
PS: To all my friends that are pregnant with their first babies, I am sure this won't happen to you...your bellies will be exempt. Just keeping rubbing in the cocoa butter I am sure that will help.
Oh, and if you are wondering if you are the girl from the party... You are not. She is someone from the distant past that would not be reading my blog.
I was recently in Providence and the shortest route for me would be to drive down Waterman Street. I didn't. I took the long way. I did not have the guts to drive by Dr. Barrall's office. What if he caught a glimpse of me? Would he be disappointed that my "before" surgery picture looks BETTER than I do now. Now that I think about it I should have driven by....maybe he takes care credit.
So thinking about it maybe my life is a John Mayer song after all...instead of it being Wonderland I guess my new song by him is Daughters.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Doomsday Preppers
Have any of you seen this show yet? I have and I am fascinated. At first I started watching it kind of like a joke but then I started thinking, am I ready for a disaster? Do I have enough supplies to sustain my family should the unthinkable happen. I was getting worried. But the more I thought about it I realized that without a doubt we could survive, and not only that, we could survive for quite some time.
I have children. On any given day Nat Geo could come to my home, flip the couch cushions and see that we have enough food under there to keep our family of four going for a good 2 weeks. One of the things the show evaluates for is weapons or ways to defend your family and belongings. We've got that covered too. Anna's diapers would qualify as a weapon of mass destruction. Take one of those suckers and just wave it around...and any and all thieves or bandits would turn on a dime and head for the hills. For good measure we could just encircle our home with them and ward off any attempts at a security breech.
What if our home was compromised in the disaster? No need to worry. We can take the sh*t show on the road. We have a minivan!! So not only would we roll in style we could do so for months on end. There are enough goldfish, pretzels and other half eaten snack packs in there that we could even pick up neighbors along the way if need be. Moe from across the street need not worry. Thirsty, not a problem. Lot's of old juice boxes tucked under the seats, probably fermented just enough to take the edge off. If the kids need a treat they can dig into the crevices of their car seats and find a treasure trove of M&M's. When I was working in the ER I was always disgusted when a kid would come in with a dirty car seat, I thought the parents must have been neglectful and just not really cared about their kid. In reality they were just forward thinkers preparing for the worst case scenario. I will never judge again!
I remember last year picking up a friend at the airport. They were fleeing from one of the world's worst natural disasters; a huge earthquake and tsunami. It all happened so fast I did not have time to clean out my car. As I was pushing aside french fries to make room for their luggage I was nervous that the debris in my car may trigger flashbacks and subsequently PTSD. They had come half way around the world to get out of harms way and here I was putting them into a situation that quite possibly may have been worse than the one they were leaving. I should offer to pay for her daughter's therapy sessions...
But...after watching Doomsday Preppers I realized that I am not just a few more hidden Cheerio's away from starring in an episode of Hoarders I am doing right by my family providing them with a sense of security in this crazy world.
I have children. On any given day Nat Geo could come to my home, flip the couch cushions and see that we have enough food under there to keep our family of four going for a good 2 weeks. One of the things the show evaluates for is weapons or ways to defend your family and belongings. We've got that covered too. Anna's diapers would qualify as a weapon of mass destruction. Take one of those suckers and just wave it around...and any and all thieves or bandits would turn on a dime and head for the hills. For good measure we could just encircle our home with them and ward off any attempts at a security breech.
What if our home was compromised in the disaster? No need to worry. We can take the sh*t show on the road. We have a minivan!! So not only would we roll in style we could do so for months on end. There are enough goldfish, pretzels and other half eaten snack packs in there that we could even pick up neighbors along the way if need be. Moe from across the street need not worry. Thirsty, not a problem. Lot's of old juice boxes tucked under the seats, probably fermented just enough to take the edge off. If the kids need a treat they can dig into the crevices of their car seats and find a treasure trove of M&M's. When I was working in the ER I was always disgusted when a kid would come in with a dirty car seat, I thought the parents must have been neglectful and just not really cared about their kid. In reality they were just forward thinkers preparing for the worst case scenario. I will never judge again!
I remember last year picking up a friend at the airport. They were fleeing from one of the world's worst natural disasters; a huge earthquake and tsunami. It all happened so fast I did not have time to clean out my car. As I was pushing aside french fries to make room for their luggage I was nervous that the debris in my car may trigger flashbacks and subsequently PTSD. They had come half way around the world to get out of harms way and here I was putting them into a situation that quite possibly may have been worse than the one they were leaving. I should offer to pay for her daughter's therapy sessions...
But...after watching Doomsday Preppers I realized that I am not just a few more hidden Cheerio's away from starring in an episode of Hoarders I am doing right by my family providing them with a sense of security in this crazy world.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Mommy's Sick Day
So I have been sick for the past couple of days. My kids don't care. They don't. It all started two nights ago. I was really tired and went to bed early. I couldn't sleep, I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I felt like I had things crawling all over me and just didn't feel right. I thought I might be having an anxiety attack. No such luck, that would be an easy fix, just take a pill and feel better by morning. Nope, I end up with the stomach bug. But, me being me it didn't stop there. I get the stomach bug just in time for the only really "big" snow storm all winter long. Toddlers, stomach bug and snow bound. I hit the perfecta! Yay me!
Yesterday wasn't too bad. I was able to keep some sense of normalcy...kept up with the house work, kept up with the kids and managed to muddle through until Chuck (my husband) got home. Today not so much. Anna (the 2 year old) came into my room at 5:37 a.m. Right on time. 5:37 a.m. EVERY morning and on cue she asks for a "naaahck" code for snack, water and her shows. I go to get out of bed and I can hardly walk. I was so weak. I think everything coming out of me over the previous 24 hours caught up to me and I am pretty confident had labs been drawn this morning it would have shown I was clinically dead for a brief time today.
When someone gets sick Mom always takes care of them. That is just the expectation. If you are not feeling well Mommy will make it better. When Mommy is sick the expectation is Mommy is still going to take care of everyone and shame on Mommy for trying to get some rest. I gave up today. Literally. I gave up any attempt at decent parenting. I handed over the magnet to unlock the snack cabinet. I took all the good snacks down and put them on the kitchen island (Doritos, pretzels, chocolate chips and candy canes) and told the girls have at it. Just let mommy rest for a little while. I should have quantified "a little while". Within 60 seconds they were back in my room asking me to open their juice boxes, wanting to go out in the snow (I wasn't quick enough this morning...I couldn't shut the shades in time before they noticed the snow), they wanted to take the guinea pig out, etc., etc., etc...there was no rest for the weary.
After a few hours I finally ventured out of my room and into the living room. I felt like one of the munchkins in the Wizard of Oz, you know the part when they slowly come out of hiding to survey the damage. It was worse than I could have imagined. It was as if an actual tornado spun through the house. I could not believe the amount of destruction that was caused in such a short time. Every last snack we had was strewn about the room, crushed into the rug. Random clothes strewn about. Pillows removed from the furniture. Sara (the 4 year old) in a party dress and Anna (2) just in a diaper both zoned out watching TV.
They wanted lunch. I had to take my sick hat off and put my mom hat back on. I made lunch for them. They were now laying in my bed. Somehow they ended up eating lunch in my bed, tray tables and all and I ended up laying on the crumb filled, wet and sticky couch. Sara somehow sensed that this was not right. She said "Mom since you have been sick, you have been boring and we can't do anything fun in the snow". True. So she asked is she could call her dad. I gave her the phone, she called Chuck and begged him to come home early. He did!!! The look on his face when he walked into the shit show that was the house was priceless. I think now he may actually appreciate all that I do around the house on a regular basis to keep it running smoothly.
He took the girls out to play in the snow and I got to rest. Finally! I get all settled in, Anderson was coming on and I was starting to feel like all was right with the world again. Just as the Silver Fox came on the screen and began to speak Anna comes in and asks me for a "naahck". Are you kidding me!!!!
Mommy's can never take a sick day.
Yesterday wasn't too bad. I was able to keep some sense of normalcy...kept up with the house work, kept up with the kids and managed to muddle through until Chuck (my husband) got home. Today not so much. Anna (the 2 year old) came into my room at 5:37 a.m. Right on time. 5:37 a.m. EVERY morning and on cue she asks for a "naaahck" code for snack, water and her shows. I go to get out of bed and I can hardly walk. I was so weak. I think everything coming out of me over the previous 24 hours caught up to me and I am pretty confident had labs been drawn this morning it would have shown I was clinically dead for a brief time today.
When someone gets sick Mom always takes care of them. That is just the expectation. If you are not feeling well Mommy will make it better. When Mommy is sick the expectation is Mommy is still going to take care of everyone and shame on Mommy for trying to get some rest. I gave up today. Literally. I gave up any attempt at decent parenting. I handed over the magnet to unlock the snack cabinet. I took all the good snacks down and put them on the kitchen island (Doritos, pretzels, chocolate chips and candy canes) and told the girls have at it. Just let mommy rest for a little while. I should have quantified "a little while". Within 60 seconds they were back in my room asking me to open their juice boxes, wanting to go out in the snow (I wasn't quick enough this morning...I couldn't shut the shades in time before they noticed the snow), they wanted to take the guinea pig out, etc., etc., etc...there was no rest for the weary.
After a few hours I finally ventured out of my room and into the living room. I felt like one of the munchkins in the Wizard of Oz, you know the part when they slowly come out of hiding to survey the damage. It was worse than I could have imagined. It was as if an actual tornado spun through the house. I could not believe the amount of destruction that was caused in such a short time. Every last snack we had was strewn about the room, crushed into the rug. Random clothes strewn about. Pillows removed from the furniture. Sara (the 4 year old) in a party dress and Anna (2) just in a diaper both zoned out watching TV.
They wanted lunch. I had to take my sick hat off and put my mom hat back on. I made lunch for them. They were now laying in my bed. Somehow they ended up eating lunch in my bed, tray tables and all and I ended up laying on the crumb filled, wet and sticky couch. Sara somehow sensed that this was not right. She said "Mom since you have been sick, you have been boring and we can't do anything fun in the snow". True. So she asked is she could call her dad. I gave her the phone, she called Chuck and begged him to come home early. He did!!! The look on his face when he walked into the shit show that was the house was priceless. I think now he may actually appreciate all that I do around the house on a regular basis to keep it running smoothly.
He took the girls out to play in the snow and I got to rest. Finally! I get all settled in, Anderson was coming on and I was starting to feel like all was right with the world again. Just as the Silver Fox came on the screen and began to speak Anna comes in and asks me for a "naahck". Are you kidding me!!!!
Mommy's can never take a sick day.
If you build it they will come. If you write it...they will read it?
So here it is....my mommy blog! For a few years I have been posting the (mis)adventures of my kids on my Facebook page. I have had a lot of positive feedback and people telling me I should write a book about my life as a mom. I guess many of you find humor in my life. Well, if you start following this blog you will see that writing a book is way out of my skill set. Grammar and punctuation are not in my strength column. I had to take the Writing Proficiency Exam 3 times!!! My Wheelock friends will know what I am talking about.
For those of you that don't know me, here is my life in a nutshell. I am a 39 year old, married, mostly stay at home mom raising two young girls. In pictures they look so sweet and innocent but they really give me a run for my money. Which is funny because for about 20 years I have been paid to tell other people how to raise their kids. I guess my parenting skills fall under the "do as I say, not as I do" category.
Now that they are the ripe old ages of two and four they don't need me as much. They go off and play together and tell me I can go watch my shows. We kind of live in the middle of nowhere and most of my family and friends are at least an hour to an hour and a half away...so I have some free time on my hands. In an effort to combat boredom I have started recycling... not to save the planet but to get free magazines through Recylcebank. But, that doesn't take much time. I tried "couponing" but I suck at it. I am not really saving any money. My bill is about $4-$5 less a week, but once you figure in the cost of the paper and ink I use printing my coupon spread sheet, the coupons I print off line and the newspaper I buy each week I am actually spending more money each week.
So, I figured let me give the people what they want....A BLOG!!! That is a good waste of time. I have all the comments from Facebook when people were saying I should do it. I hope you were serious. I will feel like a real big loser if I went to all this trouble setting it up and no one reads it. And, it was a lot of trouble. I hate technology and as my husband always reminds me...It hates me too! I had my friend Kristy show me how to set up a blog and I have been spending several hours a day for the past week trying to put it together...
So...take a look, sign up and follow my life as a Mini Van Mom!
P.S.- I know this entry was boring but I just needed to set it up...I promise to make it fun!!!
For those of you that don't know me, here is my life in a nutshell. I am a 39 year old, married, mostly stay at home mom raising two young girls. In pictures they look so sweet and innocent but they really give me a run for my money. Which is funny because for about 20 years I have been paid to tell other people how to raise their kids. I guess my parenting skills fall under the "do as I say, not as I do" category.
Now that they are the ripe old ages of two and four they don't need me as much. They go off and play together and tell me I can go watch my shows. We kind of live in the middle of nowhere and most of my family and friends are at least an hour to an hour and a half away...so I have some free time on my hands. In an effort to combat boredom I have started recycling... not to save the planet but to get free magazines through Recylcebank. But, that doesn't take much time. I tried "couponing" but I suck at it. I am not really saving any money. My bill is about $4-$5 less a week, but once you figure in the cost of the paper and ink I use printing my coupon spread sheet, the coupons I print off line and the newspaper I buy each week I am actually spending more money each week.
So, I figured let me give the people what they want....A BLOG!!! That is a good waste of time. I have all the comments from Facebook when people were saying I should do it. I hope you were serious. I will feel like a real big loser if I went to all this trouble setting it up and no one reads it. And, it was a lot of trouble. I hate technology and as my husband always reminds me...It hates me too! I had my friend Kristy show me how to set up a blog and I have been spending several hours a day for the past week trying to put it together...
So...take a look, sign up and follow my life as a Mini Van Mom!
P.S.- I know this entry was boring but I just needed to set it up...I promise to make it fun!!!
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