* Why is it neither one of my children flush the toilet after "taking care of business"?...Before they learned how to use the potty they would flush and flush and flush again...now they go and leave it in there for all the world to see, as if their excrement were the missing world wonder...now I know Anna gets excited for some of her poops, but come on! They are not on par with Niagara Falls, the Pyramids or the Grand Canyon. Flush your Sh*t ladies!!
* Why is it the only discernible talent my 13 year old cat Gracie has is the ability to tell time? EVERY morning at exactly 4 a.m. (give or take no more than 1 minute on either side of 4) she wakes me up to eat. EVERY flippin morning!!
* Why is it my children can get their wrappers, empty juice boxes and other trash to the counter above the trash, but somehow are incapable of opening the drawer immediately underneath said counter and actually PUT IT IN THE TRASH?
* Why is it that I am apparently the only person in our family capable of actually closing a dresser drawer? Perhaps my 3 other house mates may be practicing so they can start a crime ring. I constantly walk through the house closing dresser drawers with clothes hanging out of them. It always looks like our house was just hit by robbers...I think they stage "dry runs" when I am not looking.
* Why is it when we are out and about Anna decides she needs to pee at the most inopportune times? I am forever asking her if she needs to go and she always reassures me she does not, but as soon as we pass an exit she announces she has to pee and of course the next exit is 12 miles away.
* Why is it that every morning as soon as I start to doze off from my 4 a.m. cat wake up call Anna crawls into my bed asking for a waffle?
* Why is it that my children ignore, never ask for or play with a specific old toy for months but the day I throw it away they start looking for it, crying and carrying on that it was their favorite toy?
* Why is it my kids are singing a song about how awesome daddy is for setting up their inflatable pool, yet I am the one sitting outside sweating my pregnant ass off while he is in the nice air-conditioning at work?
As I have previously covered in my blog, I am not a fan of the sun or the heat and I whole-heartedly believe I will meet my demise as a victim of spontaneous human combustion...this is going to be a long, hot summer for this pregnant lady....I am sure even LONGER for poor Chuck!! I apologize in advance for what I can only imagine is going to be several months of cranky blog rants. Consider yourself warned!!!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Run Mama Run!!
So my doctor has suggested that I increase my activity level during my pregnancy. I have been trying really hard to walk more, eat healthy and generally take good care of me and my growing baby. I even have a step counter to keep track of my activity level. Well, yesterday I really took it to a whole new level. I went running. Yup, I went for a very fast paced jaunt through my yard. Now you may be thinking, good for you...or, wow, way to step it up. But let you in on a secret my friends...this run was not by choice. I was running for my LIFE!!! If you have been reading my blog all along you may remember that my yard has a lot of rock walls and natural rock formations. It makes for a great yard for kids to play in but...it also means we have snakes. Lots of snakes!! Now, apparently my idea of a lot of snakes may not mathematically be a high order number. But to someone terrified of snakes 1 is way too many. Last year we spotted 3 snakes. Caught 2 and one got chopped up in the lawn mower...really broken up about that one. Chuck takes the ones he catches and throws them over the cliff at the edge of our yard. So far this year we have already seen 2 really big ones!! It is only May 20th!! We haven't even got through spring yet. In my scientific estimation that means we are on track for a good 57,692 snakes this year alone!! Sara said to me last year, "dad says if there is 1 snake there are a hundred!"...since we have already seen 2 that means there are 198 others lurking about!! In my mind we are about 1 snake shy of being the "snake house"...Google it (at your own risk...it is disgusting)...I think it is time to call a realtor and maybe move to the city.
So back to yesterday. Sara and I were heading out. She went back in to get a sweater. When we are walking out to the car I typically have the girls walk ahead of me and do a "snake check"...that way they can alert me to those slithering bastards. If one is spotted my plan is to head back in the house forever, or at least until Chuck can take care of it. Now, you may be thinking I am an awful mom for making the kids do the snake recon mission...I am an awful mom for many other reasons, but not that. The girls like all that stuff...frogs, snakes...turtles...so there! So I was on my own...I had a false sense of security...it was a rainy day I thought all the snakes would be in their snake houses. I checked the right hand side of the wall where I have seen them in the past. All clear. I walk to the bottom of the stairs and there it was...a HUGE snake. Coming right my way. It was looking right at me and I swear I think it may have said, "Erin, I am going to get you" in a very creepy, menacing way. Sara thinks I am lying about that, but I am 99% sure I heard it. I am 100% sure my neighbors heard me screaming. I turned and ran faster than I have ever run in my life up all the way into the house. Now I am pregnant with huge boobs. I don't run when I am not pregnant...but if outrunning this snake were an Olympic event I would have taken the gold! I ran like the wind. Keep in mind I am 21 weeks pregnant. However, my belly is as big as if I were 51 weeks pregnant! I think my heart is still beating about 300 beats per minute. I am thinking that all the extra beats should count as extra exercise points. You think my cardiologist would agree to that?
So up until now Chuck has been engaged in a catch and release program. I think it is time to take a more drastic approach. I think the perfect solution would be to remove all of the grass, trees, rocks and bushes and just replace it all with asphalt. Then we can have the girls draw in flowers and rainbows with sidewalk chalk. I doubt Chuck will go for that. So I was told that mothballs will repel garter snakes. Later today I am going on a mission to buy all of the moth balls in Central MA. Sorry, but if you are looking to pack away your winter sweaters you are sh*t out of luck. Anyone know where I can rent an 18 wheeler? I am going to litter my yard like them until it looks like it is covered in sickeningly sweet smelling gumdrops . I don't care that my house and yard are going to smell like an 89 year old woman. It will be snake free!! Until then I will carry a walking stick and send the girls out ahead of me...
PS- Last night every time I fell asleep I would dream about that effing snake...so now not only do I have to deal with them out in the yard...now they are invading my dreams...awesome...as if getting up to pee every 13 minutes weren't bad enough...
So back to yesterday. Sara and I were heading out. She went back in to get a sweater. When we are walking out to the car I typically have the girls walk ahead of me and do a "snake check"...that way they can alert me to those slithering bastards. If one is spotted my plan is to head back in the house forever, or at least until Chuck can take care of it. Now, you may be thinking I am an awful mom for making the kids do the snake recon mission...I am an awful mom for many other reasons, but not that. The girls like all that stuff...frogs, snakes...turtles...so there! So I was on my own...I had a false sense of security...it was a rainy day I thought all the snakes would be in their snake houses. I checked the right hand side of the wall where I have seen them in the past. All clear. I walk to the bottom of the stairs and there it was...a HUGE snake. Coming right my way. It was looking right at me and I swear I think it may have said, "Erin, I am going to get you" in a very creepy, menacing way. Sara thinks I am lying about that, but I am 99% sure I heard it. I am 100% sure my neighbors heard me screaming. I turned and ran faster than I have ever run in my life up all the way into the house. Now I am pregnant with huge boobs. I don't run when I am not pregnant...but if outrunning this snake were an Olympic event I would have taken the gold! I ran like the wind. Keep in mind I am 21 weeks pregnant. However, my belly is as big as if I were 51 weeks pregnant! I think my heart is still beating about 300 beats per minute. I am thinking that all the extra beats should count as extra exercise points. You think my cardiologist would agree to that?
So up until now Chuck has been engaged in a catch and release program. I think it is time to take a more drastic approach. I think the perfect solution would be to remove all of the grass, trees, rocks and bushes and just replace it all with asphalt. Then we can have the girls draw in flowers and rainbows with sidewalk chalk. I doubt Chuck will go for that. So I was told that mothballs will repel garter snakes. Later today I am going on a mission to buy all of the moth balls in Central MA. Sorry, but if you are looking to pack away your winter sweaters you are sh*t out of luck. Anyone know where I can rent an 18 wheeler? I am going to litter my yard like them until it looks like it is covered in sickeningly sweet smelling gumdrops . I don't care that my house and yard are going to smell like an 89 year old woman. It will be snake free!! Until then I will carry a walking stick and send the girls out ahead of me...
PS- Last night every time I fell asleep I would dream about that effing snake...so now not only do I have to deal with them out in the yard...now they are invading my dreams...awesome...as if getting up to pee every 13 minutes weren't bad enough...
Saturday, May 18, 2013
How low can you go?
In terms of my parenting interventions turns out I can go pretty low. So last night one of my children, who will remain nameless, had to go to the bathroom. How do I know? Simple...she was doing that thing where she sits really still and looks like she is concentrating really hard on something. I asked her if she needed to go and I get the standard, "No", said with complete and utter disdain and of course the requisite roll of the eyes. A few minutes later she is doing it again. This time I tell her to go to the bathroom. Oh no mom, I don't have to go. Same thing a few minutes later. I tell her she needs to at least go and try...that if she holds it too long she could get an infection. Off she goes...I hear her go into the bathroom and close the door. I was only about 8 feet away from the bathroom...after the door closes there is silence. I don't hear her walking over to the toilet, I don't hear her moving around at all. A mere few seconds later she comes out telling me she tried and she didn't have to go...of course adding that she was right and I was wrong...again!
Shortly after her trip to the bathroom she is doing the weird sitting thing again. I tell her to go to the bathroom again. She reminds me that she doesn't have to go. I ask her if she really tried...for real. She said she did. I told her to look me in the eye and I asked her if she went in, pulled down her pants and undies, sat on the toilet and actually tried. Yup, she said. I knew she was lying. I am a mother...we ALWAYS know when they are lying. Truth be told it was kind of chilling how she was able to look me right in the eye and without breaking her gaze tell a bold faced lie. Again, truth be told I am not proud of the way I handled it. I have my degree in child development, I have been a preschool teacher and I have worked with children for 20 years now...I am better than this. But, I did it...I brought out the big guns. I know that it is over 6 months away but I brought the man himself into the mix...Yup, good old S-A-N-T-A! I did it... I asked her one more time, this time reminding her that Santa was listening. I have never seen a child jump off the couch and run to the bathroom with such speed. Now maybe it was because my allergies were making my head pound, maybe it was because I was pregnant and exhausted, maybe the thought of getting my huge belly off the couch to properly intervene and use this as a teachable moment about the importance of telling the truth was just too much work...either way, I got the result I wanted. Sometimes the good old fashioned threat of Santa not coming is enough. She went to the bathroom and I only had to exert a minimal amount of effort. Behavior modification at its best. Honestly, in the parenting world does it get any better?
Shortly after her trip to the bathroom she is doing the weird sitting thing again. I tell her to go to the bathroom again. She reminds me that she doesn't have to go. I ask her if she really tried...for real. She said she did. I told her to look me in the eye and I asked her if she went in, pulled down her pants and undies, sat on the toilet and actually tried. Yup, she said. I knew she was lying. I am a mother...we ALWAYS know when they are lying. Truth be told it was kind of chilling how she was able to look me right in the eye and without breaking her gaze tell a bold faced lie. Again, truth be told I am not proud of the way I handled it. I have my degree in child development, I have been a preschool teacher and I have worked with children for 20 years now...I am better than this. But, I did it...I brought out the big guns. I know that it is over 6 months away but I brought the man himself into the mix...Yup, good old S-A-N-T-A! I did it... I asked her one more time, this time reminding her that Santa was listening. I have never seen a child jump off the couch and run to the bathroom with such speed. Now maybe it was because my allergies were making my head pound, maybe it was because I was pregnant and exhausted, maybe the thought of getting my huge belly off the couch to properly intervene and use this as a teachable moment about the importance of telling the truth was just too much work...either way, I got the result I wanted. Sometimes the good old fashioned threat of Santa not coming is enough. She went to the bathroom and I only had to exert a minimal amount of effort. Behavior modification at its best. Honestly, in the parenting world does it get any better?
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I am NOT Mother of the year...but I am still better than most!
How do I know that I am better than most moms? Oh, that is an easy one. I recently spent some time out in civilization and noticed that many parents are just mailing it in...that they really have no interest in their children at all. Case in point...a few weeks ago I went to the Children's Museum with Anna. Chuck took Sara out so they could do something special together...which of course was not special enough for Sara and she still is complaining about it. Poor Chuck, he is an awesome dad and yet, Sara never cuts him any slack...but I digress...lets get back to the museum...
So Anna and I are hanging out having a blast. Since it is just her she can go to whatever exhibit she wants and stay for as long as she wants. No big sister telling her what she "really" wants to try out. She was at the jumbo Light Bright for over 20 minutes...nice and relaxed trying out the clear pegs versus the opaque ones...putting them all the way in versus halfway in the home...learning all sorts of scientific lessons as she goes. To me that is the whole idea of going to a children's or science museum; letting the children explore, experiment and learn at their own pace. Apparantely I am completely wrong in my approach...the eitquite for interacting with your child at a children's museum is this...you rush your child over to a station shouting, "hey so-and-so, check this out! Look what this does!" (then you show them exactly how said activity is supposed to be done, telling them the concept behind the science and then the second your child touches the activity for themselves you immediately rush them on to the next). Turns out I am the one A-hole in the museum that actually paid attention to their child and let their child guide the visit and decide what they want to see and do. Who knew but it turns out the complete museum experience is supposed to last 27 minutes from entrance to exit! Anna and I stayed for about two and a half hours and I engaged her in making predicitions for the experiements, gave her time to try out the hypothesis and see what happens. Man, am I sucker!! I wasted two hours and three minutes! Lesson learned for next time I suppose. You're welcome...
So back to actually paying attention to your child...in all of the families we came across during our outing I can honestly say that beside myself there were only 2 other parents I noticed that actually had their eyes on their children. Now, like my good friend Dawn F. says, "you don't always have to be your kids playmate!"...a sentiment that I wholeheartedly agree with. When the girls are at home I do send them off to play together...without me. If Sara complains that she is bored and needs someone to play with I remind her that is why we had another child...so she would always have a built in playmate. If they are both bored and grumbling I remind them that they were born with an imagination and they need to use it and excersise it just like their regular muscles, if not it will shrivel up and go away...and that would be very sad because sometimes they like to pretend they work at a bakery and I let them have all sorts of real cookies and goodies and ooops, if they don't have an imagination anymore they would need to eat celery and carrots all the time. Somehow that always snaps them out of their boredom. But, back to the museum....if we go somewhere special I like to let them know it is a special event and I am happy to be there with them and to help them make a memory. Also, when I take my children out into the world I make sure I keep an eye on them for the mere fact it is a crazy world and anything can happen in an instant. Now, I am not super mom and if you have been reading my blog all along you know that I dropped out of the Mother of the Year race long ago and for the most part I think us moms should stick together and try to have the whole "we are all in this together" mantra...but there is one thing I can NOT stand...moms that ignore their kids while they have their face in their cell phone. I see it all the time and it drives me nuts. It was unbelievable at the museum...every single mom (minus one mom and one dad) in the ENTIRE museum were texting away. Since I was actually paying attention to what was going on I witnessed a few interesting things...you may not all agree with the way I handled the situations but in my defense these parents really deserved the outcomes they got...
Situation #1. In the pretend boat I noticed a little boy about 4 years old take off his shoe. I saw him do it. He started to walk away. I told him that he should go get his shoe. He looked at me like I were crazy. Which, is good for a 4 year old...they should always look at a stranger that way. I also saw his mom sitting in the corner texting away, never once looking up from the phone. I know it was his mom (or caregiver) because besides Anna and I, they were the only other ones in the exhibit and they entered and exited together. Since the mom never looked up and really didn't seem to care what her kid was doing I declined to mention to her that her son was sans shoe. I saw them 15 minutes later a few exhibits down the hall and she finally noticed he lost his shoe. Now I know I could have told her that his shoe was back in the boat but I didn't. Maybe having to buy him a new pair of shoes will teach her to watch her kid a little better. But then again, maybe not...she probably blamed it on the kid for being irresponsible and didn't take any ownership over shoegate...
Situation #2. The next two situations happened in the water table room. It is a big room with water tables shaped into rivers. It is very cool and potentially very messy. There was a boy about 3 years old playing with buckets of water. He was filling them and emptying them, filling them and emptying them. All the while he kept calling out to his mommy trying to get her to look at what he was doing. She kept her face in her phone and would, "uh-huh" and "mmhhm" him over and over again. She along with so many of the other parents would occassionally take a picture and then immediately text something. I am sure they were posting it on Facebook or Instagram...putting some caption about their adventure. I so wanted to hack into all their accounts and let the world know that yeah, they were techincially out with their child and yes, they were at this super cool place but in reality they were just checking status updates and totally ignoring thier kid. I wanted to yell at them all, "Hey Jackasses, get out from behind your phone and be part of the memory you are posting about!"..soooo back to the little boy and the bucket of water...I am sure you can predict what happens next...after calling out to his mom over and over, he takes a bucket of water, hoists it up above his head and again, could I have stepped in and stopped him? Yes. Did I? No. Hey if she was so blantanly ignoring her kid she deserved to go home with a soaking wet kid. Yes, I felt bad for the little boy and his dripping clothes but it was a pretty warm day. Lesson learned lady...pay attention to your damn kid!!
Situation #3. The last example also took place in the water room. Now keep in mind there is only one way in and out and there is a museum staff person stationed there. There was this pain in the ass kid who was a wicked spazz and all over the place. Now if any parent needed to keep an eye on thier kid it was this one. Once again the kid's mom was face down in her phone texting, playing a game or whatever the hell you do on them. As you can probably tell I do not have a smart phone. I actually think smart phones are making people dumb. In my opinion society spends way too much time on them and people are forgetting how to have an actual face to face conversation. If you are out enjoying society then enjoy it...really what are you texting anyway? LOL? IDK? OMG? is that more important than enjoying a memorable experience with your kid? I want my kids to remember me having fun with them, playing with them. laughing with them...not shushing them away because I want to see George Takei's latest post. I think there are 2 people that genuinely need to have their phone with them at all times. The President and anyone waiting for a lifesaving organ transplant. Case in point, I was hoping to have this post ready for Mother's Day but...one of my kids was sick and the other wanted to play Topple over and over again. I needed to be a mom and tend to the sick one and play with the little one. But once again, I digress so...back to the water room at the museum...so this mom is totally ignoring her kid, he is all over the place, spilling water, being a total jerk of a kid and then he goes into the little book nook. Mind you, it is still in the water room, just tucked in the corner and again, there is only one way in and out. After about 3 minutes the mom finally notices that her son is no longer running, screaming and splashing water. Then the panic sets in. Now, maybe you will all think I am an A-hole, but, I didn't tell her where he was. I knew he was safe and not truly missing but she deserved to have a minute or two of panic with the hope of maybe changing her parenting style to be one that focuses more on being a parent than being a social media junkie. If her child went "missing" while she bent down to get something out of her bag or was tending to one of her other children I would have absolutely told her where he was. I am not a total jackass. Needless to say the spazzy kid did not stay in the book nook long and he made his presence known once again and of course the mom took no ownership of losing her child and blamed it all on him...
I am not saying I am the perfect parent. I am not. Not by a long shot. Here is a recent comment I made on a Mother's Group...I think this pretty much sums up my parenting philosophy...
So Anna and I are hanging out having a blast. Since it is just her she can go to whatever exhibit she wants and stay for as long as she wants. No big sister telling her what she "really" wants to try out. She was at the jumbo Light Bright for over 20 minutes...nice and relaxed trying out the clear pegs versus the opaque ones...putting them all the way in versus halfway in the home...learning all sorts of scientific lessons as she goes. To me that is the whole idea of going to a children's or science museum; letting the children explore, experiment and learn at their own pace. Apparantely I am completely wrong in my approach...the eitquite for interacting with your child at a children's museum is this...you rush your child over to a station shouting, "hey so-and-so, check this out! Look what this does!" (then you show them exactly how said activity is supposed to be done, telling them the concept behind the science and then the second your child touches the activity for themselves you immediately rush them on to the next). Turns out I am the one A-hole in the museum that actually paid attention to their child and let their child guide the visit and decide what they want to see and do. Who knew but it turns out the complete museum experience is supposed to last 27 minutes from entrance to exit! Anna and I stayed for about two and a half hours and I engaged her in making predicitions for the experiements, gave her time to try out the hypothesis and see what happens. Man, am I sucker!! I wasted two hours and three minutes! Lesson learned for next time I suppose. You're welcome...
So back to actually paying attention to your child...in all of the families we came across during our outing I can honestly say that beside myself there were only 2 other parents I noticed that actually had their eyes on their children. Now, like my good friend Dawn F. says, "you don't always have to be your kids playmate!"...a sentiment that I wholeheartedly agree with. When the girls are at home I do send them off to play together...without me. If Sara complains that she is bored and needs someone to play with I remind her that is why we had another child...so she would always have a built in playmate. If they are both bored and grumbling I remind them that they were born with an imagination and they need to use it and excersise it just like their regular muscles, if not it will shrivel up and go away...and that would be very sad because sometimes they like to pretend they work at a bakery and I let them have all sorts of real cookies and goodies and ooops, if they don't have an imagination anymore they would need to eat celery and carrots all the time. Somehow that always snaps them out of their boredom. But, back to the museum....if we go somewhere special I like to let them know it is a special event and I am happy to be there with them and to help them make a memory. Also, when I take my children out into the world I make sure I keep an eye on them for the mere fact it is a crazy world and anything can happen in an instant. Now, I am not super mom and if you have been reading my blog all along you know that I dropped out of the Mother of the Year race long ago and for the most part I think us moms should stick together and try to have the whole "we are all in this together" mantra...but there is one thing I can NOT stand...moms that ignore their kids while they have their face in their cell phone. I see it all the time and it drives me nuts. It was unbelievable at the museum...every single mom (minus one mom and one dad) in the ENTIRE museum were texting away. Since I was actually paying attention to what was going on I witnessed a few interesting things...you may not all agree with the way I handled the situations but in my defense these parents really deserved the outcomes they got...
Situation #1. In the pretend boat I noticed a little boy about 4 years old take off his shoe. I saw him do it. He started to walk away. I told him that he should go get his shoe. He looked at me like I were crazy. Which, is good for a 4 year old...they should always look at a stranger that way. I also saw his mom sitting in the corner texting away, never once looking up from the phone. I know it was his mom (or caregiver) because besides Anna and I, they were the only other ones in the exhibit and they entered and exited together. Since the mom never looked up and really didn't seem to care what her kid was doing I declined to mention to her that her son was sans shoe. I saw them 15 minutes later a few exhibits down the hall and she finally noticed he lost his shoe. Now I know I could have told her that his shoe was back in the boat but I didn't. Maybe having to buy him a new pair of shoes will teach her to watch her kid a little better. But then again, maybe not...she probably blamed it on the kid for being irresponsible and didn't take any ownership over shoegate...
Situation #2. The next two situations happened in the water table room. It is a big room with water tables shaped into rivers. It is very cool and potentially very messy. There was a boy about 3 years old playing with buckets of water. He was filling them and emptying them, filling them and emptying them. All the while he kept calling out to his mommy trying to get her to look at what he was doing. She kept her face in her phone and would, "uh-huh" and "mmhhm" him over and over again. She along with so many of the other parents would occassionally take a picture and then immediately text something. I am sure they were posting it on Facebook or Instagram...putting some caption about their adventure. I so wanted to hack into all their accounts and let the world know that yeah, they were techincially out with their child and yes, they were at this super cool place but in reality they were just checking status updates and totally ignoring thier kid. I wanted to yell at them all, "Hey Jackasses, get out from behind your phone and be part of the memory you are posting about!"..soooo back to the little boy and the bucket of water...I am sure you can predict what happens next...after calling out to his mom over and over, he takes a bucket of water, hoists it up above his head and again, could I have stepped in and stopped him? Yes. Did I? No. Hey if she was so blantanly ignoring her kid she deserved to go home with a soaking wet kid. Yes, I felt bad for the little boy and his dripping clothes but it was a pretty warm day. Lesson learned lady...pay attention to your damn kid!!
Situation #3. The last example also took place in the water room. Now keep in mind there is only one way in and out and there is a museum staff person stationed there. There was this pain in the ass kid who was a wicked spazz and all over the place. Now if any parent needed to keep an eye on thier kid it was this one. Once again the kid's mom was face down in her phone texting, playing a game or whatever the hell you do on them. As you can probably tell I do not have a smart phone. I actually think smart phones are making people dumb. In my opinion society spends way too much time on them and people are forgetting how to have an actual face to face conversation. If you are out enjoying society then enjoy it...really what are you texting anyway? LOL? IDK? OMG? is that more important than enjoying a memorable experience with your kid? I want my kids to remember me having fun with them, playing with them. laughing with them...not shushing them away because I want to see George Takei's latest post. I think there are 2 people that genuinely need to have their phone with them at all times. The President and anyone waiting for a lifesaving organ transplant. Case in point, I was hoping to have this post ready for Mother's Day but...one of my kids was sick and the other wanted to play Topple over and over again. I needed to be a mom and tend to the sick one and play with the little one. But once again, I digress so...back to the water room at the museum...so this mom is totally ignoring her kid, he is all over the place, spilling water, being a total jerk of a kid and then he goes into the little book nook. Mind you, it is still in the water room, just tucked in the corner and again, there is only one way in and out. After about 3 minutes the mom finally notices that her son is no longer running, screaming and splashing water. Then the panic sets in. Now, maybe you will all think I am an A-hole, but, I didn't tell her where he was. I knew he was safe and not truly missing but she deserved to have a minute or two of panic with the hope of maybe changing her parenting style to be one that focuses more on being a parent than being a social media junkie. If her child went "missing" while she bent down to get something out of her bag or was tending to one of her other children I would have absolutely told her where he was. I am not a total jackass. Needless to say the spazzy kid did not stay in the book nook long and he made his presence known once again and of course the mom took no ownership of losing her child and blamed it all on him...
I am not saying I am the perfect parent. I am not. Not by a long shot. Here is a recent comment I made on a Mother's Group...I think this pretty much sums up my parenting philosophy...
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Friday, May 10, 2013
Perception IS Reality...even when it isn't
So working in the healthcare field for a little over 12 years I have been on many committees that dealt with patient satisfaction, quality improvement and overall customer satisfaction. What I have learned is that perception is reality...even when it is not. A parent waiting with a sick child in the ER may not know that the medical staff is working hard to save a life...instead all they know is that they have been there for 4 hours and they are pissed. They take that experience and put it out there in the community and soon the hospital is known for their long wait times, not for all the good work they do behind the scenes. In my 5.5 years as a parent I have learned that it is much the same with my children. Their perception is their reality...even though more often than not they are completely WRONG!!! Here are some recent examples of how what my children perceive to be an absolute truth is completely off the mark...
Perception: Chuck ruins everything! Sara wanted to run when they were out for a walk. Chuck said "no"...he also would not let them swing on the swings at the ball field... thereby ruining the walk.
Reality: Before they went for the walk Chuck laid out the walk rules...just a quick walk around the block, no ball field, no swings...he was exhausted and not feeling well but the 3 of them compromised on the walk around the block. The girls in fact repeated back to him that they were not going to the field. Yeah, right...Somehow I knew that was going to come back to bite him in the ass, it is never enough for Sara...she always wants something more. About the running...so Sara was running along the sidewalk. Chuck asked her not to run to far ahead...that she was running right across driveways without looking...of course she had some smart answer for him...he said she needed to slow down so she wouldn't get hit by a car to which she answered, "I hope YOU get hit by a car!" So in reality who really ruined the walk? Chuck or Sara?
Perception: I work too much.
Reality: I only work 20 hours a week. I am home with them every night at bedtime, I am here every morning for breakfast and I only miss 2 lunches and 3 dinners a week. If they are not home with me they are with Chuck and just once a week they are with my mother in law. Not too bad. Plus, if I were home with them full time I really don't think they would like me quite as much and I can almost guarantee I would not like them quite as much!
Perception: Katy Perry is the most talented singer in the world...EVER!!
Reality: I think I have plenty of experience to answer this one. The reason being we listen to her CD EVERYTIME we are in the car. We have to listen to "Firework" and "Katy Perry" (which in case you don't know is what California Girls is really called...at least according to Anna, she is insistent on that)...over and over again. I am no Kasey Kasem...or I guess these days the relevant reference is probably Ryan Seacreast but I can say with almost 100% certainty Katy Perry is not the most talented singer in the world. As a side note the girls really get into Firework and I actually over heard them singing an accoustic version, complete with Sara on guitar...again, I can say with almost 100% certainty that my children are also not the most talented singer in the world.
Perception: I don't want Sara to ever do anything fun with her friends.
Reality: I would LOVE for Sara to branch out and actually have some fun with her friends. Her perception stems from an incident last week. She came with me to her very first bridal shower...she was so excited and couldn't wait. The next day while waiting in the school yard she saw 3 of her friends with medals on from a running race the day before and she heard the kids talking about the race. She asked me about it. I told her the race was the same day as the shower and sometimes we need to make choices, sometimes the choices might be hard to make but their will be another race next year but there will not be another bridal shower for her auntie...she gets it, but....it is 5 days later and she has brought it up everyday since. So once again somehow I am the a-hole that ruined her life.
Perception: Chuck doesn't take care of the girls when they are sick.
Reality: It was 3 in the morning. Anna woke up coughing, sneezing and crying from allergies. Chuck took her to the bathroom, helped blow her nose, gave her medicine and put her back to bed. The next morning I was chatting with Anna and said how it was so nice that daddy took such good care of her. She said, "Mommy, daddy gave me medicine and rubbed my back for ONLY 1 minute! Do you think that really sounds like taking good care of someone?" Poor Chuck...he can't win.
Perception: I am a big, fat, huge monster.
Reality: The other day Sara told me that one of the preschool teachers came back from maternity leave. She said that her belly was flat and why did it look like she never had a baby. I told her that once the baby comes out your body starts to go back to the way it was. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "well, how come that didn't happen to you after you had Anna?". Thanks Sara! For the record this teacher is naturally tall and thin. I am not. However, I did lose all the baby weight PLUS an extra 10 pounds...take that Sara!! Yes, technically it took me 3 years to lose the weight and if I were not pregnant right now I would still be rocking the skinny jeans...I did buy some skinny maternity jeans...thank you Jessica Simpson and Heidi Klum...oh, as a side note for my pregnant friend they make maternity spanx...you're welcome!
So even though none of what they perceive to be reality is in fact the whole truth...when they want something or if I do something nice for them they tell me that I am the best mom ever...and yes, my friends that is THEIR perception and THEIR reality and that I can say is 100% true!!!
Perception: Chuck ruins everything! Sara wanted to run when they were out for a walk. Chuck said "no"...he also would not let them swing on the swings at the ball field... thereby ruining the walk.
Reality: Before they went for the walk Chuck laid out the walk rules...just a quick walk around the block, no ball field, no swings...he was exhausted and not feeling well but the 3 of them compromised on the walk around the block. The girls in fact repeated back to him that they were not going to the field. Yeah, right...Somehow I knew that was going to come back to bite him in the ass, it is never enough for Sara...she always wants something more. About the running...so Sara was running along the sidewalk. Chuck asked her not to run to far ahead...that she was running right across driveways without looking...of course she had some smart answer for him...he said she needed to slow down so she wouldn't get hit by a car to which she answered, "I hope YOU get hit by a car!" So in reality who really ruined the walk? Chuck or Sara?
Perception: I work too much.
Reality: I only work 20 hours a week. I am home with them every night at bedtime, I am here every morning for breakfast and I only miss 2 lunches and 3 dinners a week. If they are not home with me they are with Chuck and just once a week they are with my mother in law. Not too bad. Plus, if I were home with them full time I really don't think they would like me quite as much and I can almost guarantee I would not like them quite as much!
Perception: Katy Perry is the most talented singer in the world...EVER!!
Reality: I think I have plenty of experience to answer this one. The reason being we listen to her CD EVERYTIME we are in the car. We have to listen to "Firework" and "Katy Perry" (which in case you don't know is what California Girls is really called...at least according to Anna, she is insistent on that)...over and over again. I am no Kasey Kasem...or I guess these days the relevant reference is probably Ryan Seacreast but I can say with almost 100% certainty Katy Perry is not the most talented singer in the world. As a side note the girls really get into Firework and I actually over heard them singing an accoustic version, complete with Sara on guitar...again, I can say with almost 100% certainty that my children are also not the most talented singer in the world.
Perception: I don't want Sara to ever do anything fun with her friends.
Reality: I would LOVE for Sara to branch out and actually have some fun with her friends. Her perception stems from an incident last week. She came with me to her very first bridal shower...she was so excited and couldn't wait. The next day while waiting in the school yard she saw 3 of her friends with medals on from a running race the day before and she heard the kids talking about the race. She asked me about it. I told her the race was the same day as the shower and sometimes we need to make choices, sometimes the choices might be hard to make but their will be another race next year but there will not be another bridal shower for her auntie...she gets it, but....it is 5 days later and she has brought it up everyday since. So once again somehow I am the a-hole that ruined her life.
Perception: Chuck doesn't take care of the girls when they are sick.
Reality: It was 3 in the morning. Anna woke up coughing, sneezing and crying from allergies. Chuck took her to the bathroom, helped blow her nose, gave her medicine and put her back to bed. The next morning I was chatting with Anna and said how it was so nice that daddy took such good care of her. She said, "Mommy, daddy gave me medicine and rubbed my back for ONLY 1 minute! Do you think that really sounds like taking good care of someone?" Poor Chuck...he can't win.
Perception: I am a big, fat, huge monster.
Reality: The other day Sara told me that one of the preschool teachers came back from maternity leave. She said that her belly was flat and why did it look like she never had a baby. I told her that once the baby comes out your body starts to go back to the way it was. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "well, how come that didn't happen to you after you had Anna?". Thanks Sara! For the record this teacher is naturally tall and thin. I am not. However, I did lose all the baby weight PLUS an extra 10 pounds...take that Sara!! Yes, technically it took me 3 years to lose the weight and if I were not pregnant right now I would still be rocking the skinny jeans...I did buy some skinny maternity jeans...thank you Jessica Simpson and Heidi Klum...oh, as a side note for my pregnant friend they make maternity spanx...you're welcome!
So even though none of what they perceive to be reality is in fact the whole truth...when they want something or if I do something nice for them they tell me that I am the best mom ever...and yes, my friends that is THEIR perception and THEIR reality and that I can say is 100% true!!!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Random things heard around the house....
**disclaimer*** some of these things may have come out of my mouth...
-- "If we have a baby brother that would be AWESOME!!! A baby sister...meh." For the baby's sake I sure hope it is a boy...it will be a LONG life with 2 sisters not thrilled about your joining the family.
-- "No putting soap in your sister's butt crack!"
-- "Mom I think sometimes you just tell us that the news says to stay in the house because you don't want to take us out to play." Oh, they know me so well...I have done that in the past when it was too cold, snowy or just pure laziness on my part. But the ONE time I am telling the truth they call me out on it.
-- "Mom, does that guy want to go to jail?" "No, he doesn't." "Then why is he doing all these bad things?" That one I had no answer for...couldn't even make something up...
-- "Until you are able to wipe your own butt you are not allowed to eat blueberries."
-- "I thought you said corn poops were the worst? Does this mean I can't eat corn either?" (said in response to me muttering under my breath about how gross blueberry poops are).
-- "Mom, how big is the baby now?" I show her about the size of a small ball. "If the baby is so small why is your belly so big?"
-- I was in the dressing room at the maternity store. I tried on this floral, pastel shirt with "wings" attaching the sleeves to the waist...not a good look for me. The girls said they loved it and asked if I was getting it. I told them no. They asked why. I said because it made me look fat. Anna looked at me and said with the honestly and confusion that only a 3 year old can pull off, "but mommy, you ARE fat."
-- When I asked Anna why she doesn't ever wipe her own butt she said, "wiping butts is gross...I don't want to touch pee or poop...that is why I have you do it."
-- "Mom, when the new baby comes if it has a booger in it's nose I can pick it for them. I am good at picking noses."
-- "If we have a baby brother that would be AWESOME!!! A baby sister...meh." For the baby's sake I sure hope it is a boy...it will be a LONG life with 2 sisters not thrilled about your joining the family.
-- "No putting soap in your sister's butt crack!"
-- "Mom I think sometimes you just tell us that the news says to stay in the house because you don't want to take us out to play." Oh, they know me so well...I have done that in the past when it was too cold, snowy or just pure laziness on my part. But the ONE time I am telling the truth they call me out on it.
-- "Mom, does that guy want to go to jail?" "No, he doesn't." "Then why is he doing all these bad things?" That one I had no answer for...couldn't even make something up...
-- "Until you are able to wipe your own butt you are not allowed to eat blueberries."
-- "I thought you said corn poops were the worst? Does this mean I can't eat corn either?" (said in response to me muttering under my breath about how gross blueberry poops are).
-- "Mom, how big is the baby now?" I show her about the size of a small ball. "If the baby is so small why is your belly so big?"
-- I was in the dressing room at the maternity store. I tried on this floral, pastel shirt with "wings" attaching the sleeves to the waist...not a good look for me. The girls said they loved it and asked if I was getting it. I told them no. They asked why. I said because it made me look fat. Anna looked at me and said with the honestly and confusion that only a 3 year old can pull off, "but mommy, you ARE fat."
-- When I asked Anna why she doesn't ever wipe her own butt she said, "wiping butts is gross...I don't want to touch pee or poop...that is why I have you do it."
-- "Mom, when the new baby comes if it has a booger in it's nose I can pick it for them. I am good at picking noses."
Monday, April 8, 2013
What to REALLY Expect When Expecting...The 1st Trimester...
When I was pregnant with Sara, my first child, I read all the requisite pregnancy books. There were a few things that I found helpful; how to date a pregnancy...I never understood that whole extra 2 weeks thing, how the baby was developing week by week, a few basic things that were happening to my body but that was about it. There was so much more weird stuff happening not addressed in any book I read. It was if my body was going through a new science experiment everyday. I wasn't sure if it were normal or not and I didn't feel like I could ask anyone...What if they thought I was crazy? This being my third pregnancy I now know that it IS normal...so if I were to write a pregnancy book these are some chapters I might include. Keep in mind these are just a synopsis of the chapters but I think you will get the idea.
**********************************WARNING******************************************
If you have not yet been pregnant but intend to be someday STOP READING HERE!!! Pregnancy is AMAZING!!! It is all fairy dust and rainbows just like FIT Pregnancy, TLC and Gerber ads lead you to believe.
If you choose to continue reading keep in mind this probably contains way too much information and you will learn things about me you never wanted or needed to know. If you do read on please keep a few things in mind...1.) You can never unread this and 2.) You are forbidden from ever using this information against me. Continue at your own risk...you have been fairly warned...
**************************************************************************************
Chapter 1-- Do You Smell What I Smell?
Chuck has always said that my sense of smell is my super power...he jokes that I can smell a skunk all the way in New Hampshire. He is right, my baseline sense of smell is beyond that of a normal person. When I am pregnant it is something for the record books...I can smell things that a blood hound would pass by. I can smell food cooking in the neighbor's house, I can smell Anna's poop 2 hours before she goes, I swear to God I can smell the fish's pee in our fish tank. Yes, I am that sensitive. Now most super powers would be looked upon as a gift, mine is more of a curse. Nothing smells good to me these days. I saw a beautiful bouquet of flowers recently and it was so potent I was gagging and all I could think of was taking that beautiful bouquet and stomping the sh*t out of and destroying the scent. My house is the worst. We have 2 cats and a guinea pig...normally you can not smell these creatures when you come in our house. I make sure of that. Now I swear our house smells like a barn, but it is more the 2 legged creatures in our house that is causing me the most distress...Between Anna with her pooping herself and Sara with her GI issues I am constantly making a home made gas mask by pulling my shirt up over my nose. But that is not the worst of it my friends, oh no, it gets bad, really bad...you see Chuck is lactose intolerant and one night he KNOWINGLY ate Parmesan cheese!!! Was he looking to start a fight?... That is his kryptonite...we have a small house and he spread the "love" all through it. Not only could I not breathe from the overwhelming stench but I was seething that he would have a total disregard for my situation and actually eat dinner....he should suffer with me in solidarity and eat a bland diet for the next 9 months. We would be divorced right now (oh yeah, I was that mad) save for the fact that we have the worst cable/internet service in the world and when I went to print off divorce papers from Legal-zoom.com the internet was not working. He lucked out this time but he is on notice and he knows he is one yogurt away from being single.
Chapter 2--Morning, Noon and Night Sickness
I would be thrilled if I had morning sickness. It would be manageable. I have around the clock sickness. I do have a small window from about 11 p.m. until 3 a.m. that I can actually eat and keep it down. This pregnancy is different from the other 2...boy perhaps?! I constantly feel like I am on a waterbed. I am battling nausea all day long. If it were just the nausea it wouldn't be so bad. I am vomiting too...who we kidding? I am puking my guts out. The girls are sick of it. They lost their compassion (not that they had any anyway) long ago. When I puke they tell me to just keep my mouth shut and stop puking...or Anna had some advice when she walked into the bathroom as I was mid-hurl...she told me to flush the toilet...that I was gross. I have puked at work, in the car, in a store and outside. Nowhere is safe. I fortunately have made it to a proper waste receptacle all but twice. The first "miss" was the other day...I walked into the bathroom a few minutes after Chuck changed Anna's poop accident. As I walked in I was instantly taken over by the smell...as the first whiff hit the back of my nose it was like a reflex was triggered and my body was protecting me from the evil that must have been in my presence. How a small, sweet little girl could have smelled so bad is a mystery...Chuck hit the nail on the head when he said her crap smelled like black death....again, I fashioned myself a home made gas mask and cleaned the puke off the wall and floor.
The next day I was in the shower and I was blindsided by a vomiting episode it came on so fast and furious and was so violent my stomach revolted on me and purged right there in the shower. I called Chuck to get me some paper towels so I could clean it up...as I stood in ankle deep water with my breakfast swirling around me he told me not to worry he would take care of it. Now I am sure that it had something to do with the fact Sara had dance class and he wanted to make sure I was ready in time to take her or he would be stuck taking her...a fate worse than death...but either way I was grateful...now that folks is true love! Volunteering to clean someone else's half digested eggs out of the shower is the ultimate sign of commitment....he may have just redeemed himself for the Parmesan cheese incident.
Chapter 3--Are You Really Going to Eat That?
With all of my pregnancies I had some weird cravings. Sara it was white cake with white frosting and coconut. Anna it was cream cheese and olive sandwiches on hearty white bread...the package literally had to say "hearty white bread" or it wouldn't make the cut. With this baby it is potatoes. Any kind; mashed, boiled, french fries (dipped in a combo of mayo and minced garlic), potato omelets, cheese sandwiches with potato chips and my ultimate craving....drum roll please...canned potatoes. The girls keep asking why I am eating disgusting food...they don't get the concept of canned potatoes and I did have a brief love affair with my old standby of cream cheese and olive sandwiches. I don't really have an answer for them. I am a vegetarian and I eat a ton of fresh fruits and veggies everyday...the thought of eating anything green or relatively healthy literally turns my stomach and I have been avoiding it all costs. I did have 2 days at the beginning of the week where I wasn't nauseous and didn't vomit...I have been looking back on those days fondly since it came back with a vengeance...I think the fact that I made some homemade veggie soup...one of my favorites and ate 2 big bowls did me in. That is what I ate right before the whole black death poop from Anna. It wasn't as good coming back up and having to clean it off the wall really turned me off from veggies again. Oh well, it was a short lived run, but a glorious 2 days nonetheless. Oh for the record I had rice in the soup. EPIC FAIL!!! If you are nauseous during pregnancy avoid rice!! You will have grains of rice stuck in your mouth, throat and all the way down. Once you puke it up you spend the next hour trying to hack it up...much like a cat working on a hairball. On that note some other combos to avoid as they are not pleasant the second time around...
Orange juice and eggs.
Watermelon and garlic mashed potatoes.
Oranges and a granola bar.
Green bean casserole and deviled eggs (an Easter mistake).
Green bean casserole and anything really.
You're welcome.
Chapter 4--They Grew Back!
When I turned 30 I was single, no prospects on the horizon, not sure I would ever have kids so I did some self improvement work. I had a little plastic surgery. Yep, not ashamed to admit it. I had a breast reduction. I had a pound and a half taken off each side...They looked great! Then about 4 years later it all changed when I got pregnant. If you took a topless picture of me now, cut it out in the style of a paper doll and inserted it into a picture of a newly discovered tribe of pygmies or the like you would be hard pressed to find me. It would be like "Where's Waldo" Nat Geo style. My kids have left my body unrecognizable. After 3 pregnancies and breast feeding they are so misshapen and discolored that I seriously look like a character out of Futurama. It is a good thing Chuck loves me because if he ever left me there is not enough Spanx, duct tape or plastic surgery in the world to lure in an unsuspecting suitor. Now at 15 weeks into this pregnancy I have had to add a bra expander to my wardrobe. It is an extra 3 inches that hooks onto the back of your existing bra. At the rate I am expanding I am going to have to go down to the basement and dust off some bungee cords to hold things together...
In the meantime I have to go for a cardiac stress test next week. Nothing serious, because I have a cardiac issue I have to be closely monitored during my pregnancies. So what that means is I have to run on a treadmill for as fast and as long as I can. I am not sure but I thought cruel and unusual punishment is considered unconstitutional in our country. I believe that this qualifies. Making a pregnant lady with enormously huge, sore boobs run...that seems cruel and unusual to me. Nonetheless I have to have it done. I kind of want to go in, just sit down and outright declare that I fail. I am not sure that will fly. In my mind I imagine myself to run gracefully...kind of like one of the Bay Watch babes as they glide across the beach in slow motion. I am sure I will look more like Big Ang (google her) lumbering my way through hoping I don't through myself into a cardiac arrest...
Chapter 5--The Gas We Pass
Yes my friends, I am going there. This is certainly something that was "conveniently" omitted from any pregnancy book I read. In the first trimester you will have gas. A LOT of gas. With all 3 pregnancies I was plagued by what I like to refer to as "Skeeball Farts". Yup, that skeeball...the arcade game where you take one ball from the rack and another one immediately comes down taking its place. I would have these "events" where I would fart and immediately another would be on deck and another and another. Fortunately for me, and society as a whole, they were silent and odorless, however, they were incredibly annoying. Pffft, pffft, pffft, I would turn around wholeheartedly expecting a ribbon of carnival tickets to be shooting out of my ass...you would think I should at least earn a little prize...something for my efforts...
That phase gave way to a very short lived phase (only about 2 days... thank God!!) of rather foul smelling gas. It would catch me off guard each time and I would immediately start gagging on my own stench...which in turn would lead to a puke fest. Try explaining that to very curious (and extremely judgmental) 3 and 5 year olds. Thankfully Anna figured it all out, "Mommy that baby growing in your belly sure has a lot of farts." Why yes, Anna it is the baby...not mommy. Sara was not quite on board with Anna's explanation but after a few little white lies from me she was a believer.
Chapter 6--Where There is Smoke There is Fire
And in the same vain one would imagine where there is gas there is poop. However, during pregnancy that is not always the case. I had my gallbladder out a month before I had Sara. Thankfully constipation was never an issue in that pregnancy or in my second. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case this go around. I had a brief back up for a few days. It was awful. Not only for me, but for my family as well. I would head into the bathroom, do battle for a while and have to come out and face my family who were lined up on the couch anxiously awaiting me to come out with my hand held high in triumph. On more than one occasion I would come out, sweat on my brow and have to dejectedly give them the thumbs down. The look of disappointment on their faces was haunting. Haunting I say. I felt like I had let them down. I feel I have a good appreciation for the fisherman aboard the Bounty Hunter (from the National Geographic Channel's Wicked Tuna). This crew has no luck. They are on the hunt for Giant Blue-fin Tuna. They know they are out there....they can see them on the fishfinder...but it can be days before they get one on the line. They battle the fish for hours, making progress little by little, finally the fish is in their sights and more often than not just as they are about to reel the giant tuna in the boat at the last second the line snaps and the tuna swims away. They have to head back to the dock, with their heads held in shame only to spend the next few days trying to hook another elusive tuna. Yeah, it is kind of like that. Again, thankfully things got back on track after a few days but I now have a deep respect for women that give birth vaginally. Strong work ladies...strong work!
Chapter 7--Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star
It is a fact that pregnant ladies pee a lot. I always thought that happened towards the end when the baby is so big it presses on your bladder. Nope. It starts happening in the early weeks. Something to do with the shift in your internal fluids. For me the night is the worst. I seriously am up and down 20 times a night. To be completely honest there has been more than one occasion when I contemplated just peeing my bed. I mean both of my kids have peed in my bed...we are due for a new mattress anyway...but I couldn't bring myself to do it...the greatest reason being I know Chuck would have a field day with that and never let me live it down. While out shopping I have walked passed the adult diapers more than once but with my luck I would put them on and that would be the night we have a fire, the TV crews would show up and I would be caught live on TV wearing a diaper. Seriously, that is the thought I had as I eyed a package of Depends in Wal-Mart.
It is not just that I get up a ton to go, but when I do go I no sooner wipe, stand up, turn to flush and I have to go again. I have tried all the tricks (bending forward after I pee, twisting to the side...somehow I think if I squeeze my bladder like a sponge I will be able to get a few extra drops out)...but nothing seems to help. I actually came out of the bathroom the other day, walked into the kitchen and then it happened I may or may not have peed myself. Of course I blurt out, "I peed myself" and ears MaGee (aka Sara) hears me all the way from the other room, tells Anna and they both come running. They thought it was great. They asked if they could see it. No I tell them. Anna then comes to my defense and says, "I still love you even though you pee your pants." Thanks Anna, I can always count on you. Sara on the other hand has been asking me before we leave the house to promise not to pee myself in public that it would be embarrassing. Really? I so wanted to bring up all the times she peed and crapped herself in public...but I was the mature one and let it go...but it was hard to take the high road on that one...
Chapter 8--Is There a Hockey Player in Here?
When pregnant you might sweat. At night I sweat as if my life and the lives of all of those I care about depend on it. My clothes and sheets soak through, then because I am soaking wet I must get cold and wrap myself even tighter in the blankets. By the time I wake up I look as if I just stepped out of the shower and my bedroom smells like a men's locker room full of dirty hockey equipment where the heat has been left on high for a month. It is disgusting. Like I said, we are due to get a new mattress but Chuck wants to wait until I stop sweating...well after the pregnancy comes the baby and after I deliver I usually sweat like this for another couple of months. Add to that I am 40, so once I get through the post partum stage I am most likely going to start menopause and have to endure the night sweats that come with that....I guess we will go mattress shopping in 2018.
Chapter 9--Turkey Anyone?
So if you are a loyal reader of my blog you are well versed in my skin apron...the gross flap of skin that hangs down off of my belly. Lovingly named by my betrothed. Well when I am pregnant I get really big, really fast. My belly is protruding more and much of the skin apron has smoothed out much like a deflated balloon re-inflates as you add air. However, just like a balloon not fully inflated there is that flappy thing that hangs off the end. What is left of my skin apron has kind of morphed into more a turkey waddle. It is much smaller in size and just hangs out there. Weird...and yet intriguing at the same time...I am so curious to see what is going to happen to it next.
Like I said, pregnancy is like a daily science experiment. Most of the intimate ins and outs are not passed down generation to generation...it is like all the existing moms want the ladies without kids to join our club...but they fear if they know the truth they will stay far, far away. As something new and unusual pops up I am amazed that our species has not died out long ago...I mean who would willingly put this upon themselves? Oh wait...I have...3 times now. At least in an effort to inform my fellow women I am pulling back the curtain and letting you know What to REALLY Expect When Expecting!!!
I am a few weeks into my second trimester so most of this is dying down, but it is opening me up to the second round of pregnancy weirdness...stay tuned for what to expect in the 2nd trimester!!!
**********************************WARNING******************************************
If you have not yet been pregnant but intend to be someday STOP READING HERE!!! Pregnancy is AMAZING!!! It is all fairy dust and rainbows just like FIT Pregnancy, TLC and Gerber ads lead you to believe.
If you choose to continue reading keep in mind this probably contains way too much information and you will learn things about me you never wanted or needed to know. If you do read on please keep a few things in mind...1.) You can never unread this and 2.) You are forbidden from ever using this information against me. Continue at your own risk...you have been fairly warned...
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Chapter 1-- Do You Smell What I Smell?
Chuck has always said that my sense of smell is my super power...he jokes that I can smell a skunk all the way in New Hampshire. He is right, my baseline sense of smell is beyond that of a normal person. When I am pregnant it is something for the record books...I can smell things that a blood hound would pass by. I can smell food cooking in the neighbor's house, I can smell Anna's poop 2 hours before she goes, I swear to God I can smell the fish's pee in our fish tank. Yes, I am that sensitive. Now most super powers would be looked upon as a gift, mine is more of a curse. Nothing smells good to me these days. I saw a beautiful bouquet of flowers recently and it was so potent I was gagging and all I could think of was taking that beautiful bouquet and stomping the sh*t out of and destroying the scent. My house is the worst. We have 2 cats and a guinea pig...normally you can not smell these creatures when you come in our house. I make sure of that. Now I swear our house smells like a barn, but it is more the 2 legged creatures in our house that is causing me the most distress...Between Anna with her pooping herself and Sara with her GI issues I am constantly making a home made gas mask by pulling my shirt up over my nose. But that is not the worst of it my friends, oh no, it gets bad, really bad...you see Chuck is lactose intolerant and one night he KNOWINGLY ate Parmesan cheese!!! Was he looking to start a fight?... That is his kryptonite...we have a small house and he spread the "love" all through it. Not only could I not breathe from the overwhelming stench but I was seething that he would have a total disregard for my situation and actually eat dinner....he should suffer with me in solidarity and eat a bland diet for the next 9 months. We would be divorced right now (oh yeah, I was that mad) save for the fact that we have the worst cable/internet service in the world and when I went to print off divorce papers from Legal-zoom.com the internet was not working. He lucked out this time but he is on notice and he knows he is one yogurt away from being single.
Chapter 2--Morning, Noon and Night Sickness
I would be thrilled if I had morning sickness. It would be manageable. I have around the clock sickness. I do have a small window from about 11 p.m. until 3 a.m. that I can actually eat and keep it down. This pregnancy is different from the other 2...boy perhaps?! I constantly feel like I am on a waterbed. I am battling nausea all day long. If it were just the nausea it wouldn't be so bad. I am vomiting too...who we kidding? I am puking my guts out. The girls are sick of it. They lost their compassion (not that they had any anyway) long ago. When I puke they tell me to just keep my mouth shut and stop puking...or Anna had some advice when she walked into the bathroom as I was mid-hurl...she told me to flush the toilet...that I was gross. I have puked at work, in the car, in a store and outside. Nowhere is safe. I fortunately have made it to a proper waste receptacle all but twice. The first "miss" was the other day...I walked into the bathroom a few minutes after Chuck changed Anna's poop accident. As I walked in I was instantly taken over by the smell...as the first whiff hit the back of my nose it was like a reflex was triggered and my body was protecting me from the evil that must have been in my presence. How a small, sweet little girl could have smelled so bad is a mystery...Chuck hit the nail on the head when he said her crap smelled like black death....again, I fashioned myself a home made gas mask and cleaned the puke off the wall and floor.
The next day I was in the shower and I was blindsided by a vomiting episode it came on so fast and furious and was so violent my stomach revolted on me and purged right there in the shower. I called Chuck to get me some paper towels so I could clean it up...as I stood in ankle deep water with my breakfast swirling around me he told me not to worry he would take care of it. Now I am sure that it had something to do with the fact Sara had dance class and he wanted to make sure I was ready in time to take her or he would be stuck taking her...a fate worse than death...but either way I was grateful...now that folks is true love! Volunteering to clean someone else's half digested eggs out of the shower is the ultimate sign of commitment....he may have just redeemed himself for the Parmesan cheese incident.
Chapter 3--Are You Really Going to Eat That?
With all of my pregnancies I had some weird cravings. Sara it was white cake with white frosting and coconut. Anna it was cream cheese and olive sandwiches on hearty white bread...the package literally had to say "hearty white bread" or it wouldn't make the cut. With this baby it is potatoes. Any kind; mashed, boiled, french fries (dipped in a combo of mayo and minced garlic), potato omelets, cheese sandwiches with potato chips and my ultimate craving....drum roll please...canned potatoes. The girls keep asking why I am eating disgusting food...they don't get the concept of canned potatoes and I did have a brief love affair with my old standby of cream cheese and olive sandwiches. I don't really have an answer for them. I am a vegetarian and I eat a ton of fresh fruits and veggies everyday...the thought of eating anything green or relatively healthy literally turns my stomach and I have been avoiding it all costs. I did have 2 days at the beginning of the week where I wasn't nauseous and didn't vomit...I have been looking back on those days fondly since it came back with a vengeance...I think the fact that I made some homemade veggie soup...one of my favorites and ate 2 big bowls did me in. That is what I ate right before the whole black death poop from Anna. It wasn't as good coming back up and having to clean it off the wall really turned me off from veggies again. Oh well, it was a short lived run, but a glorious 2 days nonetheless. Oh for the record I had rice in the soup. EPIC FAIL!!! If you are nauseous during pregnancy avoid rice!! You will have grains of rice stuck in your mouth, throat and all the way down. Once you puke it up you spend the next hour trying to hack it up...much like a cat working on a hairball. On that note some other combos to avoid as they are not pleasant the second time around...
Orange juice and eggs.
Watermelon and garlic mashed potatoes.
Oranges and a granola bar.
Green bean casserole and deviled eggs (an Easter mistake).
Green bean casserole and anything really.
You're welcome.
Chapter 4--They Grew Back!
When I turned 30 I was single, no prospects on the horizon, not sure I would ever have kids so I did some self improvement work. I had a little plastic surgery. Yep, not ashamed to admit it. I had a breast reduction. I had a pound and a half taken off each side...They looked great! Then about 4 years later it all changed when I got pregnant. If you took a topless picture of me now, cut it out in the style of a paper doll and inserted it into a picture of a newly discovered tribe of pygmies or the like you would be hard pressed to find me. It would be like "Where's Waldo" Nat Geo style. My kids have left my body unrecognizable. After 3 pregnancies and breast feeding they are so misshapen and discolored that I seriously look like a character out of Futurama. It is a good thing Chuck loves me because if he ever left me there is not enough Spanx, duct tape or plastic surgery in the world to lure in an unsuspecting suitor. Now at 15 weeks into this pregnancy I have had to add a bra expander to my wardrobe. It is an extra 3 inches that hooks onto the back of your existing bra. At the rate I am expanding I am going to have to go down to the basement and dust off some bungee cords to hold things together...
In the meantime I have to go for a cardiac stress test next week. Nothing serious, because I have a cardiac issue I have to be closely monitored during my pregnancies. So what that means is I have to run on a treadmill for as fast and as long as I can. I am not sure but I thought cruel and unusual punishment is considered unconstitutional in our country. I believe that this qualifies. Making a pregnant lady with enormously huge, sore boobs run...that seems cruel and unusual to me. Nonetheless I have to have it done. I kind of want to go in, just sit down and outright declare that I fail. I am not sure that will fly. In my mind I imagine myself to run gracefully...kind of like one of the Bay Watch babes as they glide across the beach in slow motion. I am sure I will look more like Big Ang (google her) lumbering my way through hoping I don't through myself into a cardiac arrest...
Chapter 5--The Gas We Pass
Yes my friends, I am going there. This is certainly something that was "conveniently" omitted from any pregnancy book I read. In the first trimester you will have gas. A LOT of gas. With all 3 pregnancies I was plagued by what I like to refer to as "Skeeball Farts". Yup, that skeeball...the arcade game where you take one ball from the rack and another one immediately comes down taking its place. I would have these "events" where I would fart and immediately another would be on deck and another and another. Fortunately for me, and society as a whole, they were silent and odorless, however, they were incredibly annoying. Pffft, pffft, pffft, I would turn around wholeheartedly expecting a ribbon of carnival tickets to be shooting out of my ass...you would think I should at least earn a little prize...something for my efforts...
That phase gave way to a very short lived phase (only about 2 days... thank God!!) of rather foul smelling gas. It would catch me off guard each time and I would immediately start gagging on my own stench...which in turn would lead to a puke fest. Try explaining that to very curious (and extremely judgmental) 3 and 5 year olds. Thankfully Anna figured it all out, "Mommy that baby growing in your belly sure has a lot of farts." Why yes, Anna it is the baby...not mommy. Sara was not quite on board with Anna's explanation but after a few little white lies from me she was a believer.
Chapter 6--Where There is Smoke There is Fire
And in the same vain one would imagine where there is gas there is poop. However, during pregnancy that is not always the case. I had my gallbladder out a month before I had Sara. Thankfully constipation was never an issue in that pregnancy or in my second. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case this go around. I had a brief back up for a few days. It was awful. Not only for me, but for my family as well. I would head into the bathroom, do battle for a while and have to come out and face my family who were lined up on the couch anxiously awaiting me to come out with my hand held high in triumph. On more than one occasion I would come out, sweat on my brow and have to dejectedly give them the thumbs down. The look of disappointment on their faces was haunting. Haunting I say. I felt like I had let them down. I feel I have a good appreciation for the fisherman aboard the Bounty Hunter (from the National Geographic Channel's Wicked Tuna). This crew has no luck. They are on the hunt for Giant Blue-fin Tuna. They know they are out there....they can see them on the fishfinder...but it can be days before they get one on the line. They battle the fish for hours, making progress little by little, finally the fish is in their sights and more often than not just as they are about to reel the giant tuna in the boat at the last second the line snaps and the tuna swims away. They have to head back to the dock, with their heads held in shame only to spend the next few days trying to hook another elusive tuna. Yeah, it is kind of like that. Again, thankfully things got back on track after a few days but I now have a deep respect for women that give birth vaginally. Strong work ladies...strong work!
Chapter 7--Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star
It is a fact that pregnant ladies pee a lot. I always thought that happened towards the end when the baby is so big it presses on your bladder. Nope. It starts happening in the early weeks. Something to do with the shift in your internal fluids. For me the night is the worst. I seriously am up and down 20 times a night. To be completely honest there has been more than one occasion when I contemplated just peeing my bed. I mean both of my kids have peed in my bed...we are due for a new mattress anyway...but I couldn't bring myself to do it...the greatest reason being I know Chuck would have a field day with that and never let me live it down. While out shopping I have walked passed the adult diapers more than once but with my luck I would put them on and that would be the night we have a fire, the TV crews would show up and I would be caught live on TV wearing a diaper. Seriously, that is the thought I had as I eyed a package of Depends in Wal-Mart.
It is not just that I get up a ton to go, but when I do go I no sooner wipe, stand up, turn to flush and I have to go again. I have tried all the tricks (bending forward after I pee, twisting to the side...somehow I think if I squeeze my bladder like a sponge I will be able to get a few extra drops out)...but nothing seems to help. I actually came out of the bathroom the other day, walked into the kitchen and then it happened I may or may not have peed myself. Of course I blurt out, "I peed myself" and ears MaGee (aka Sara) hears me all the way from the other room, tells Anna and they both come running. They thought it was great. They asked if they could see it. No I tell them. Anna then comes to my defense and says, "I still love you even though you pee your pants." Thanks Anna, I can always count on you. Sara on the other hand has been asking me before we leave the house to promise not to pee myself in public that it would be embarrassing. Really? I so wanted to bring up all the times she peed and crapped herself in public...but I was the mature one and let it go...but it was hard to take the high road on that one...
Chapter 8--Is There a Hockey Player in Here?
When pregnant you might sweat. At night I sweat as if my life and the lives of all of those I care about depend on it. My clothes and sheets soak through, then because I am soaking wet I must get cold and wrap myself even tighter in the blankets. By the time I wake up I look as if I just stepped out of the shower and my bedroom smells like a men's locker room full of dirty hockey equipment where the heat has been left on high for a month. It is disgusting. Like I said, we are due to get a new mattress but Chuck wants to wait until I stop sweating...well after the pregnancy comes the baby and after I deliver I usually sweat like this for another couple of months. Add to that I am 40, so once I get through the post partum stage I am most likely going to start menopause and have to endure the night sweats that come with that....I guess we will go mattress shopping in 2018.
Chapter 9--Turkey Anyone?
So if you are a loyal reader of my blog you are well versed in my skin apron...the gross flap of skin that hangs down off of my belly. Lovingly named by my betrothed. Well when I am pregnant I get really big, really fast. My belly is protruding more and much of the skin apron has smoothed out much like a deflated balloon re-inflates as you add air. However, just like a balloon not fully inflated there is that flappy thing that hangs off the end. What is left of my skin apron has kind of morphed into more a turkey waddle. It is much smaller in size and just hangs out there. Weird...and yet intriguing at the same time...I am so curious to see what is going to happen to it next.
Like I said, pregnancy is like a daily science experiment. Most of the intimate ins and outs are not passed down generation to generation...it is like all the existing moms want the ladies without kids to join our club...but they fear if they know the truth they will stay far, far away. As something new and unusual pops up I am amazed that our species has not died out long ago...I mean who would willingly put this upon themselves? Oh wait...I have...3 times now. At least in an effort to inform my fellow women I am pulling back the curtain and letting you know What to REALLY Expect When Expecting!!!
I am a few weeks into my second trimester so most of this is dying down, but it is opening me up to the second round of pregnancy weirdness...stay tuned for what to expect in the 2nd trimester!!!
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