Huh?
Underwear? OK, let’s back up a bit. I was recently complaining to
Chuck I didn’t have any comfortable underwear. I have had 7 abdominal
surgeries, 3
this past year alone, so I have a road map of scar tissue on my belly.
Emily is 10 months old now so maternity undies slide right off the
second I pull them on and regular underwear rubs up against the scars
and is very irritating. Now, combine that with
the fact that I have kind of let myself go, clothing wise if you will,
since the baby was born and you have the perfect storm of nothing
fitting properly, things that do fit way beyond their prime (think
stretched out elastics, holes and mystery stains) and
the rest out-of-style by a good half decade or more.
Back
to my underwear. First, let me preface this with the following
statement; my husband is AMAZING!! I could not ask for a better husband
or father for my
girls. Please keep that in mind while reading the next few
sentences!! Chuck ordered some new underwear for me online. He bought
ones that were supposed to be super soft, yoga pant like so they
wouldn’t rub on my belly scars. Unbelievably thoughtful, right?
Well, a few days later the package arrives and Anna and I open it. I
can honestly say I have NEVER laughed so hard in all my life. These
things were HUGE!!! They were the entire length of my outstretched
arms. Now, I know you are all thinking, yeah, but
you have T-Rex arms Erin, they can’t be that big. TRUST ME!!! Without
missing a beat Anna announces that they must be giant’s underwear.
They were so big I took a picture of Sara and Anna in them. Both of the
girls in the same pair! One in each leg hole
with room to spare!
So
I had already taken them out of the package and I wasn’t sure what the
return policy would be on opened underwear so I started thinking about
what I could
do with these massive sets of britches. I tossed around a few ideas;
slip covers for the cat ravaged furniture, a shade awning for our porch,
fold them and keep them in the linen closet (they may be a bit more
practical than a table cloth when drying off
after a shower) or use them as crib sheets for Em.
After
thinking about it for a bit I came up with the perfect idea! If you go
way, way back to an earlier post you will see that I am a closet
doomsday prepper.
OK, so I am not really a prepper…I am just fascinated by the show. I
always thought I should have a “GO” bag at the ready just in case the
apocalypse came upon us. These undies could prove invaluable in a
doomsday scenario. My betrothed didn’t just order
me 1 pair, he got me 6! So if I take one pair, a half pair might be
sufficient, but take the pair and sew it into a ruck sack. I could
close off the leg holes and use the elastic waist band to fashion some
handles. OK, great so I have my GO bag, now I need
to fill it with things that would help me and my family survive in the
event of Armageddon. The other 5 pairs of underwear would be a great
place to start.
These
enormous briefs could be used for shelter…just stick a large branch or
two inside of one and you have a tent. Sleeping…string one up between
two trees and
voila, you have a hammock big enough for my entire clan. If we need to
quickly jump out of a plane or off a cliff, hey, it’s the end of the
world, it could happen, just put your arms through the leg holes and as
you jump the ass end of the undies would catch
enough air to help you stick a smooth landing. Water closing in on
you? No problem! Fill them with sand, spin it around and tie off the
end and there you have a sandbag. Hungry? Again, the undies can help
with that…dredge them along the bottom of a river
and it makes a nice net for catching fish. Of course you can’t face
the end of the world Naked and Afraid (another one of my guilty pleasure
shows) so take 2 pairs of underwear; 2 upside down would make a nice
jumper…from what I have seen in the magazines
those are all the rage these days. There are so many uses for this
extra, extra large lingerie that my hubby got for me…a sling to carry
the baby, toys…take off the elastic waistband and make a Chinese jump
rope, hang one from a tree and throw coconuts through
the leg holes like a bean bag toss…in my scenario we are on a tropical
island. I could go on and on.
But
I won’t. Why? Because I was able to return them. Of course that
wasn’t without issues…so I take them back and of course I get the
cashier with a super
loud voice. He asks why I am returning the underwear and I tell him
that it is slightly larger than I need. The register he is using breaks
down. We need to move to the next one at the customer service booth.
At this point there are a few people behind
me, he calls in for help and again I am forced to state why I am
returning them. For the love of Christ this register sh*ts the bed…so
now we are on to register #3 and now the manager is involved…so yet
again I have to verbalize why I am returning the underwear
to an ever growing crowd of impatient shoppers. I was ready to just
take the bloomers home and be done with it…but finally, finally Mr. Loud
Talker gets the transaction processed and I can take my embarrassed
self and do the walk of shame through the sea
of pissed off customers…as if I had anything to do with the registers
breaking!!
In
case any of you were wondering I did get some underwear in a more
reasonable size, but in an effort to always be honest with my faithful
blog readers, I have
to confess, I never did try the underwear on that Chuck got me…I was
terrified that they might actually fit!!!
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