So the other day I stopped at Wegmans on the way home from work. I needed some Buratta cheese, remember I told you it was a game changer for me and I needed some of my fake sausages. Now don't get your mind all in the gutter...by "fake sausages" I mean vegetarian sausages not something one would buy at Amazing Superstore. Yes, I am a vegetarian and yes, I am a little overweight and yes, I know that an overweight vegetarian is somewhat like a unicorn...you have heard about them but actually seeing one is damn near impossible. So again world, you are welcome! Just doing my part for humanity. Oh, as a side note for the first time in 17 years I actually ate a piece of meat over the weekend. It was St. Patrick's Day, the Corned Beef smelled sooooo goooood that something came over me and I ate a slice of it. OK, 2 slices. Vegetarians take note; if you have not had meat in 17 years--DON'T!! It tasted OK, but the texture of it was hard to swallow, literally, and the stomach pains I got about 20 minutes later were totally not worth it! In my defense, before I took my first bite I did make sure I had the next couple of days off from work and that the bathroom was well stocked with toilet paper. Fortunately for me and my darling family, I didn't need the extra TP, but the pain in my belly confirmed my lifestyle choice for at least another 17 years! But once again, I am way off topic, back to Wegmans...
Now the reason I chose Wegmans over Market Basket was one of convenience. It was closer to work and it does carry the sausages I like whereas Market Basket does not. As you all know, I have a love/hate relationship with the Basket (as does every Basketeer). Before I had kids I was a Whole Foods aficionado. Once kids came into the picture Whole Foods was out. There is no way I can afford to buy groceries for a family of 5 there without putting us into financial ruin. So the Basket became my go-to store. Plus, deep down the clientele at the Basket are my people, my kin folk if you will.
So I pulled into the only available parking spot, so maybe it wasn't the only spot available but the others were way over by another store and it was about 8 degrees out and the winds were whipping. I get out of the car and as I start to walk away I notice there was a sign at the head of the parking space. It read; "Parking for Expectant Mothers or Parents with small children". Hmm, for a second I thought I should move my car but then my inner Market Basketeer came through and I started to play the game of semantics in my head. Technically I am an expectant mother. No, seriously, hear me out...I am. I am expecting my children will clean their room. I am expecting my children will complete their homework. I am expecting my children will grow up to be respectful, productive members of society. See, what I did there? I just made a good legal case as to why I can be classified as an expectant mother. Parent with a small child was another qualifier for the spot and yes, again, I can make a solid case as to why I fit into that category as well. Here it is; I am a parent with small children. Simple as that. Nowhere on the sign did it say I had to currently have the small children with me. But for good measure and so as not to be crowd shamed I may have protruded my belly out slightly to give the appearance of a pregnancy. I may have kept this charade up for an aisle or two on the off chance a lookie lou was keep track of me and my belly. So as I was perusing the cheese aisle I got to thinking; have I completely gone to the dark side and crossed over from a suburban mom who shops at the Basket to a stereotypical, rathced-ass Basketeer? I have assembled some scenarios and I will let you, the court of public opinion, decide if I am more a part of the main stream or if I am more likely than not to find myself on the People of Market Basket website with my eyes covered over with a black band...
I was recently at a conference. There were a crap ton of vendors there and to entice you to their table they had little giveaways. I am a firm believer in one per customer, but....this one table had the pens that anyone in health care has gotten from a conference, you know the ones that look like little syringes filled with blood. Now, as a Child Life Specialist I am against medical personnel using them in front of children, but, as a mom they are cool "souvenirs" for my kiddos. So I took one. Then I started to hear the inevitable fight in my head; why does she get that pen and I get a plain purple one that says Medela? Not fair that she gets the cool one! So in all my ratched glory I watched the table from afar and whenever it was super crowded I would stroll by and nonchalantly take another one. I did this until I had a pen for all 3 of them.
Another sketchy thing I do happens at Home Depot. Whenever I am there I go to the flooring section. I pretend to be looking at all the flooring choices and then head over to where the sample carpet and hard wood squares are. I pick them up and carefully exam them before placing a few in my cart. Now, these are free samples so I am technically not doing anything wrong. However, the belief on the part of Home Depot is that you are taking these home to see how they would work in your house and then potentially spend a lot of money purchasing them for your home. I take them home so the girls can use them for flooring in their Calico Critter and doll houses. Brilliant, right?! I can almost guarantee at least on of my readers is going to start doing this and for that you are welcome!
I may not always be honest when it comes to coupons and store rewards cards. I have learned if you are at Kohls and they ask if you have any coupons ALWAYS say yes! Even if you don't have any! I tell them I got one for 30% off emailed to me but I didn't have any ink in my printer, or it is in my other bag--- and I have never been denied!! I am new to this whole smart phone world so this may be old news to most of you but the Savings Catcher on the Wal-Mart app is great! You scan your receipt and it searches surrounding stores and if an item is found elsewhere for a lower price they give you the difference back. I have had my phone 3 weeks and I am already up to $32 back. My plan is to keep growing it all year and use it for Christmas shopping. So what's my angle? I have told some people that don't care to use the app to give me their receipt info so I can use it. Scandalous? Not really. A receipt can only be used once so you can't double dip but in some small way I feel like I am sticking it to the man.
Someone I know, and I swear to God it is not me, would take the extra Box Top coupons off of items at the grocery store. Now for those of you without children in the public schools, Box Tops are like gold. They are small little coupons on select items that when turned into the school is worth 10 cents. They add up quick and the schools can get several thousand dollars a year from them. I have never done this but, for the record, I would look the other way if I saw someone swiping them off of some Progresso Soup.
Anyone that works in health care knows about the tedious annual education we have to complete. Not the specific things that are actually instrumental in saving another person's life, but the online learning modules teaching us not to share our computer password or not to talk about a patient in the elevator. It is the same mind numbing videos year after year. So every fall we need to watch a video/power point and then complete a test assessing our understanding. Truth be told, 17 years in I hit "next" without reading a damn slide until I reach the test page. Shockingly I get 100% on all of the tests. **As a disclaimer I do read the slides/watch the videos for things like CPR and safety standards.** Also, as I complete the tests each year I do wonder if they added a new slide saying "Yes, please share your password-we actually encourage it " to see how many people just breeze through straight to the test portion. Someday it might come back to bite me in the ass but until then I am hitting "next".
When I sign up for something online and it has a microscopic list of terms 16 pages long I just click "agree". Am I signing my first born grandchild away? Perhaps, but I am not busting out a magnifying glass to read the terms to connect to the internet at McDonalds or to let Emily play a round of Star Stable.
Another example of me bucking the system happened when I gave birth to Anna. Sara, my first born was an emergent c-section I had been in labor literally for days. Then at hour 36 she was having some trouble so they decided to take me to the OR. I was already numb and could not move easily when they gave me some medicine to clear out my stomach or something like that. I took it and immediately vomited. It was the most foul tasting liquid on earth and with my movements constricted I puked all over myself. It was awful. Fast forward 2 years and I was waiting to go to the OR for a scheduled section. This time I had not had anything to eat or drink after midnight and my table time was pushed back 5 hours so my stomach was free and clear. The nurse handed me the medicine. I asked if I had to take it since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink and she said yes, you may have taken something and not remembered. She then left the room. I put it up to my mouth and the smell was too much to handle. I threw it away. She came back and asked if I took it. I gave an honest answer of "Yes, I took it"--as in I took it from your hand. Perhaps a better questions would have been did you ingest it? Now, shame on her for giving me a medication and not staying to see if it was taken properly. Fortunately, by the time Emily came around the medicine had been improved and tasted like a grape Jolly Rancher. So I can honestly say, that unlike Anna's birth, Emily's life did not start out with a lie.
The last example of my questionable ratchedness is an oldie but goodie. My long time readers may have heard this one before but it deserves to be told again. Before Chuck and I got married I wanted to lose some weight for my wedding day. I joined Curves..hey it was over 10 years ago--Curves was legit back then. I would go after work. Well, one day I just didn't have it in me. Instead of going home and owning up to my laziness, not that Chuck would even care, I devised a plan to give the appearance of having gone to the gym. I drove around for a while to kill the amount of time I should have been doing my 30 minute workout. I pulled into a parking lot, turned out to be a liquor store, pulled around the back and changed into my workout clothes in the car. Way to keep it classy! In an effort to make it look like an authentic workout I drove home with the windows up and the heat on full blast as I leaned my face towards the blower. I arrived home all red-faced and sweaty. Chuck was none the wiser.
Yes, I know I was only cheating myself and I have long since come clean to him. So after careful examination of the sum of my parts prompted by my attempt of shopping in a bit more upscale store like Wegmans I have realized; You can take the girl out of the Basket, but you can't take the Basket our of the girl!
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