Good-bye my friend

So my blog is usually good for a few laughs; me relating something funny that happened with me and my kids or just my odd observations on life but tonight I am going in a different direction.  Tonight I want to tell you all about someone very special to me.  Someone that I had to say goodbye to last night and far too soon.  Her name was Linda and she was amazing.

Linda and I have worked together for almost 8 years now.  Now I share a lot in my blog but there is a lot more that I keep private.  When I started my blog years ago I put some self imposed guidelines on what I would write about.  I don't write about any of my kiddos medical issues, I don't write about my marriage and I don't really write about my work.  I have made reference to working in the NICU but that is as far as I have taken it. Tonight I am going to describe a little bit more about what I do in the NICU.  I am not a doctor or a nurse, I am something called a Child Life Specialist. In my role in the NICU I spend the majority of my time with babies born dependent on substances their mom's were taking.  Or what the news call "drug babies".  Linda liked being assigned to those babies too.  We would spend hours on end in the nursery rocking those babies.  We would spend those hours talking about everything under the sun.  In the beginning our talks were more about superficial things like how hot Adam Levine is or stuffed pepper recipes.  Over time our talks became so special to me.  Linda became something I call a "momtor".  It is a silly term I made up for a small group of women, about 4, that I look up to or seek out when I am struggling with being a mom.  A mentor for motherhood.  They aren't perfect parents, but just women that to me are doing the best they can with what they are faced with with their children.  Linda and I talked a lot about our kids.  I knew no matter what I was thinking or feeling I could always be 100% honest with her and she would never, ever judge me even on my worst day. And on her worst day she never once forgot to ask me how I was or how my girls were and when she asked she really wanted to know.  And boy did my girls love Linda.  She would host a bake sale for the March of Dimes every year on Good Friday.  There are 2 things my girls look forward to every year, the Labor Day Duck Race and Linda's bake sale.  They get so excited.  It is the one day of the year they jump out of bed, get dressed up fancy and come and see their friend Linda.  This past year Anna my 7 year old made Linda the prettiest picture after the bake sale.  Linda teased me that it had swirly letters on it but the one Anna made me for my office had regular run of the mill capitals.  When Anna overheard me telling Chuck one night that Linda was having a rough spell Anna made her an activity book with homemade dot to dots, coloring pages and a word search that had the words; Linda, Love, NICU and Babies in it. It instantly brought me to tears because those words described Linda to a T.   Having to tell them that their friend Linda had died was second only to telling them my mom had died.  It was soul crushing. 


For the most part we were just work friends.  We grabbed breakfast only a handful of times and we did go see a medium together and Linda my friend, don't think for one second I didn't see the sign you sent me right around the time you passed!  Please know I am forever grateful for that.  Though we were "only" work friends that did not cheapen or diminish my love for her and the sincerity of our friendship.  She was one of those rare gems you connect with and forge a deep and sincere friendship.    All told I have probably spent more quality hours with her in the nursery the past few years than I have with any of my other friends.  I am so grateful to have had her in my life.


Linda was in so much pain this past year but would always put a smile on and care for all those around her.  If you didn't know that she had a terminal disease you would never have guessed.  One of the many, many qualities I loved about Linda is that she treated every single parent that walked through our NICU doors with the same kindness and compassion; it didn't matter if they were millionaires or homeless she always, always did right by her babies and their families.  She never let on to the NICU families that she herself needed care.  I do believe her NICU babies gave her the strength to go on for as long as she did.  One day not too long ago we were having lunch together after a particularly rough few hours with the babies.  I just looked over at her and it hit me she really wasn't going to be around much longer.  Tears started streaming down my face.  As I opened my mouth to say something she cocked her head to the side, gave me a smile and slightly shook her head no.  And that was it, she wasn't having it. Linda wasn't one for ever feeling sorry for herself.  There was to be no grieving before she died.  She lived life to the fullest and appreciated every day she was given.

I also want to take some time and talk about how special our NICU family is.  We have been dealt some tough blows this past year.  Time and time again I am amazed at how we all come together and come out the other end stronger.  In my role I am very fortunate because when needed I can step out and get myself together.  I am very fortunate in that respect.  My colleagues aren't that fortunate.  They are caring for critically ill babies.  They can't always take a step out to gather themselves together.  They have to stay with their babies and keep them alive.  I am constantly in awe at how they are able to give their all to their NICU babies and families while inside they are grieving.  The care they give the patients never falters and no matter the situation the families are none the wiser.  They are the most professional group of nurses I have had the privilege to work with. 

Linda was not much older than I am and that fact has not escaped me.  She died way too young and had so much life left to live.  In thinking how to honor her life I think the best way is to stay true to myself, my beliefs and live each day to the fullest.  Just be the best version of myself I can be.  I have already started to make some changes to do just that. 


I am not looking for  "so sorry for your loss" responses because even though I am hurting and suffering a loss, it is not my loss, it truly is the world's loss.  After people die you always hear things like "the world was a better place because of her", "the world will never be the same" well in Linda's case it is absolutely, hands down, unequivocally true.  The world will NEVER be the same without Linda.  The world WAS a better place because of her.  The one piece of comfort I take in her passing is knowing that a piece of her is inside every single one of the hundreds, if not thousands, of babies she cared for and her presence will literally be felt for generations to come.

Rest easy my sweet friend.  I will miss you more than words could ever do justice to.