I know lately I start a lot of my posts with, "I am sorry I haven't written in a while blah, blah, blah..." The blah, blah, blah is usually something that has kept me away from the computer. Well this blah, blah, blah is a big one! We moved! I have a whole blog post I am working on about the move, but in the meantime here is a quick one to hold you over.
So we moved in very short order and we have been super busy with Halloween, the girls birthdays, a broken bone, Thanksgiving, pneumonia and getting ready for Christmas. In the 6 weeks since we moved in this is the first weekend I have had off from work that I have absolutely nothing planned. I left work yesterday and decided I was going to stay in my pjs all weekend and binge watch some mindless show. For the record I found a really good one called 'Catastrophe' on Amazon, oh and after seeing Amazon's logo over and over again today I am not entirely convinced it is a Smile. I think it is a penis. Yup, there, I said it. It is a penis and now every time you look at the Amazon logo you will see it too. You're welcome. So far it hasn't strayed too far from that but my binge watching has been interrupted by the kids bugging me every 4 minutes for a snack, a new, dry pair of gloves (first snow fall of the season today), the dog wanting to go out etc. Well, the kids went back out to play in the snow, Chuck was watching TV so I figured it was a good time to take advantage of one of the perks of our new house. Our huge Jacuzzi soaking tub. Yup, I was going to take some time for me. It has been a stressful week with sick kids, an insane calendar full of extra stuff to get done, you mamas know what I am talking about. So I was ready to relax...
I scrub out and bleach down the tub. Then set the relaxing mood; battery operated Christmas lights draped over the sinks and toilet paper holder. Nothing screams "RELAX" like illuminated T.P. Our old house was so small if the lights went out in the bathroom all we had to do was light a match and it lit it up like the Goddamn halogen lights coming on in the bar after last call. The new house not so much. I had to scrounge for a candle to add a little more light. I found a Holly Berry scented one to do the job.
I fill the tub, turn on the jets and go to get in. Then faster than a Kardashian around an NBA player, I was brought back to Mr. Guenard's science class and Archimedes' theory of water displacement. The displacement method involves putting an object into water and carefully recording how much the water level rises. The amount that the water volume rises is equal to the volume of the object. Well, I wish I had remembered this theory before I went to sit my fat ass down in the tub. I was about half ass deep when I realized any lower and we are going to have a flippin tidal wave. So I quickly let some water out.
Another scientific lesson I revisited was the theory of buoyancy. "Boobs are fatty, and fat floats. So the more fatty, the more floaty." I found that quote on the internet. You can literally Google anything! But it is true. I was curious as to why if my whole body is soft and squishy why were only my boobs floating in the water like two of those buoys you see floating in the ocean and the rest sank like the Titanic to the bottom of my tub? Buoyancy is the answer. See my faithful blog readers you are guaranteed to always learn something new when you read one of my posts.
Ok, so I settle in. My boobs are floating, I have Enya playing on Pandora and I am good. Then suddenly I notice the water is draining. Turns out our fancy tub is very sensitive. The drain stopper is the kind that is attached and you push it down to fill the tub. It is right at the same spot my heel was touching so every time my heel brushed it, up it would pop and start draining. So the tub and I played this vicious game of fill and empty, fill and empty. Finally I decided to just keep my feet resting on the edge of the tub.
I decide to keep my princess fantasy going and pamper myself. I decide to do a full leg shave. I admit it, even though Winter doesn't officially begin until December 21st I have already begun my winter shaving protocol...ladies you know what I mean; only shave the bottom 2 inches of your legs or only as much that might possibly show if crossing your legs when wearing pants. I thought, hey it's Saturday night wink, wink. But I am almost 100% sure this Saturday night will go like almost every other Saturday night we have had since welcoming children into in our lives. Chuck and I both delude ourselves into thinking we will have some alone, adult time and without fail by 9 o'clock one of the kids is in our bed and one of us ends up on the couch or in one of the kids beds. I eventually come to the realization that our children are the ultimate c-blockers, I take some ZZQuil and fall asleep watching an old Dateline on Investigation Discovery. So in keeping with this charade I even use actual pretty smelling shaving cream! I am about 4 strokes in and I take off about 3 layers of skin from my ankle. We're talking epidermis gone, maybe even the dermis layer. I am bleeding so bad if I were doing this in the open ocean I would have been eaten by a shark in no time. Yet I charge on. I move to the other leg and made the move a little too quickly I might add...at 45 I am no longer as nimble as I used to be. A rogue wave that would have knocked a fishing vessel over flies over the side of the tub. Sadly, that is not the end of the impromptu water park I currently have in my bathroom. I stood up for a second to grab a washcloth to try to stop the blood letting on my ankle and the whole water displacement theory comes back in a big way. You see while I was fighting with the drain, I never filled the tub back up as high as it was when I started out. So when I stood my fat ass up, the water level significantly went down, down below the Jacuzzi jets so the water that was left in them when shooting across the bathroom. I sat back down and decided a little blood on my ankle wasn't worth a flooded bathroom. I close my eyes for a minute and listen to Pandora that is now playing the operatic song "Time to say Goodbye" I listen to Andrea Bocelli and I totally get into the Sarah Brightman part. The song is over and I open my eyes. Holy Crap!!! When the whole water displacement/Jacuzzi jet spraying debacle happened a shampoo bottle must have fallen into the tub. The tub was now overflowing with shampoo bubbles. It was a scene out of flippin I Love Lucy episode.
I gave up. I was not born to be a princess. I turn the jets off, turn Pandora from my relaxation station and get back to my roots and turn on my Daniel Tosh station and after about 2 more minutes I give up and just get out. So lessons learned tonight; tubs are for kids, one and done for taking a Jacuzzi tub and who knew a scientific theory I learned in school over 30 years ago would one day be so relevant?
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