Yes, it's true I have been cheating on my ever faithful life partner. But, before I get to my trifling ways I want to welcome you all back to my blog! Thank you for being patient with me for the past 9 months while I was locked out of my blog. Our old laptop went nuts and we had to reformat it. So my direct link to my blog was gone. I forgot my password to get in. No worries, I can just reset my password through my recovery email, right? WRONG! Why you ask? Oh, because I forgot the password to get into my recovery email as well. Yup, you read that right. But if you know me in real life you are most likely saying to yourself, yeah, that is about right for her.
So for the past nine months I have been trying to reset the password to no avail. I did think of just logging on like a regular blog reader, not as the blogger and cutting and pasting all 180 posts I have written over the years and starting over with a new server but, pure laziness prevented me from doing so. I would sit at the computer about to start and then it was time for the Wendy Williams show or a rerun of Dr. Phil from 15 years ago would call my name. I am a very weak person and I would give in to temptation. Reason #879 I could never home-school my kids. #1 reason being- No Effing Way! But I digress...so last night I tried to send a recovery message to my phone, something I have tried no short of 37 times before with no luck. It was more proof I had some wonky lemon of a phone. For some reason last night I noticed at the bottom of the password reset request page two words; text and call. Huh, what happens if I click on text? IT IMMEDIATELY SENT MY PHONE A TEXT RESETTING MY PASSWORD!! For F*ck's Sake, would you look at that? I have my new password!! Who would have thought this whole not being able to get into my blog thing was user error? Oh wait, Chuck would! He knew there must have been something on my end I was doing wrong because my track record with technology would lead any sane person to that conclusion. But now here we are, back in the blogging action!
So about that affair I have been engaged in. I consider myself a very loyal person-sometimes to a fault-but I like to think of it as a character trait and not a character flaw. So if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know I have been extremely faithful to my one and only. My one true, deep and abiding love. A love that has never, ever let me down. A love that has been there for me through times of joy and times of sorrow. A love that has seen me at my best and absolutely hands down at my worst. A love I never thought I could ever turn my back on, but sadly I have put my own selfish needs ahead of this union and have strayed. I am ashamed to admit I have a side piece. As Dr. Phil says; you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. So it is time for me to come clean, time for me to unburden myself of this secret life I have been living; I have cheated on Market Basket and started using the Walmart Grocery Pick-Up app. God, it feels good to get that off my chest. I feel like I can come out of the shadows and breath again.
Now I know what you are thinking; how could you? MB has been there for you with the lowest prices around, MB has been there when you needed to go gluten free for 6 months, MB had a God Damned aisle by aisle binder of gluten free products for you in your time of need! MB gave your children countless free bakery cookies so you could finish your shopping without wanting to abandon your children in the soda aisle. MB was there when you forgot your wallet in a snowstorm and had to wait for Chuck to drive the 20 minutes to bring it to you and let you jump right back into line. MB was there period. I know all of that and I get it and I returned the favor by supporting them through the strike and shopping elsewhere, I drove 20 minutes to the Basket despite knowing I would inevitably get massive stomach cramps that would cause me to feel as if I were going to sh*t myself on the drive home. True story-Sara hated going shopping there with me, for some reason every, single time I would go there I would get a stomach ache without fail. Not sure if their refrigeration system wasn't up to par and I was inhaling Freeon that made me sick, if there is ecoli mixed in with the sawdust they have on the dirty floors or if it was a nervous stomach caused by the anticipation of having to hug it out with Michael after he would bring the groceries to my car for me. Whatever the reason I took my life and my underwear in my hands every Thursday so I could return the love to MB.
I don't know exactly when it happened or how I fell out of love with the Basket but you can't help your emotions. Feelings are feelings, they aren't right or wrong, they just are and right now I am in love with Walmart. The online grocery shopping/pick up has been a game changer! Life changing really. Here is the short version; you go online, order your groceries, set a pick up time, you go to Walmart at said time and they bring the groceries out to your car and load them in for you. OK, so there is no long version-it is that simple!! To go to Market Basket I would have to drive 20 minutes, shop for an hour and a half and drive home another 20 minutes. Now I seriously roll out of bed, drive less than 10 minutes and get my car filled with food-never having to even get out of my car. I mean Market Basket is like an old love; comfortable, dependable and familiar. Walmart Pick Up is like an exciting, sexy new love. One you are drawn to and can't get enough of. The icing on the cake that makes Walmart so enticing is that Market Basket is in the catchment area for their Savings Catcher so I have the convenience of Walmart Pick Up with the Market Basket Prices! Can it really be wrong when it feels so right? We have already earned $70 back through the savings catcher! We used it last night when we went school supply shopping with the girls. OK, so that was a treat! The girls wouldn't stop fighting so I threatened to go without them and I was going to get them Barney and Dora folders-that got them to stop right quick. Oh and since when did buying school supplies cost $180? When I was in school we needed a Trapper Keeper, some loose leaf paper and a pack of #2s. Now the list is so long and specific; 4 plastic 2 pocket folders with holes to go in a binder. I found paper ones like that but not plastic. So I had to buy a 3 hole punch to make holes in the friggin plastic 2 pocket folder to go in the binder. UGH!
But back to my tawdry affair...I feel a sense of relief letting the world in on my dirty little secret so there are 2 more things I want to confess; 1.) I have been cheating on my vacuum and 2.) I have been cheating on the true love of my love Anderson Cooper, though that I will delve into in another blog post. Back to the vacuum. I love having vacuum lines on my rug! Last year there was an article about vacuum lines-how if your house is so clean you can see vacuum lines then you aren't spending enough time with your kids and actually living life-something to that effect. Anyway, I LOVE having vacuum lines. I like having a clean house. There I said it. I think you can have it all-you can have a clean house and spend time with your family. I don't think it makes me a bad person to want to not live in filth. Well, sadly for my upright Hoover I have been seeing another on the side too. Roomba is her name and she is SPECTACULAR!! I just turn her on with a push of a button and in about 25 minutes my entire downstairs is rid of cat and dog hair, crumbs and the general filth associated with a family of 5. Do I feel a little dirty going behind the uprights back? Yeah. But it is amazing to have that time back to do other things I love-like scrolling through Facebook, reading People Magazine or dozing on the couch. You might think I am taking the easy way out and I might be-it kind of reminds me of the time I bought a belly fat zapper from a 3 a.m. infomercial. I would hook it up to my belly, sit on the couch eating popcorn while shocking away the fat. Now, obviously that didn't zap away the fat and all it did was leave me with a first degree burn on my belly, but this, this my friends really works! I get the vacuum lines I want and don't have to use up any of my precious "me" time!
So call me a cheater, a hussy, whatever, but guess what? I am living my best life sitting on the couch eating groceries someone else shopped for while watching Roomba clean for me. Like Wendy Williams says, "How you doin?"
No comments:
Post a Comment