Kale- I have tried it. It is absolutely disgusting. I think most people pretend to like it because it was the new healthy fad. It is gross. And what the hell are Kale chips? I’m sorry but no matter how hard you try you cannot make them be a legitimate substitute for real chips. Never going to happen. I tried making Spinach chips a while back when those were a “thing”. I sprayed the baking sheet with Pam and they still stuck and broke into a million pieces when I tried to take them off the pan. If you take a paper thin leafy vegetable, dehydrate it and try to move it from where it lays it will break into tiny slivers. There is no way around it. So, I was at the Basket the other day and they had a display with some Kale chips. I took a walk over to check them out and yup, just as I suspected there was a bag full of green dust. I swear to God, I could put parsley in a Ziplock and call it Kale chips and no one would know the difference. I really hope the kale fad dies out in the new year.
Unpack- I am not talking about unpacking from a wonderful, relaxing vacation. I am talking about all the political pundits on cable TV who when faced with a multi-faceted topic say, “OK, let’s unpack that”, “We need to unpack that idea”, “Let me unpack that for you”. Drives me f*cking nuts. I don’t know why, but it is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I just picture them placing on old timey leather suitcase on the bed, and slowly taking out old, stale clothes one piece at a time and then pulling out an old, yellowed lacy piece of #metoo or #russiancollusion or whatever the daily topic was. I know it is stupid, but it just annoys me to no end. Thank the walking upright Gods I have never heard Anderson Cooper speak that word, I swear to God the second it comes out of his mouth our love affair is over. Another one that grates on my nerves is the phrase “deep dive”. As in take a closer look. When they weren’t ‘unpacking” in 2017 they were taking a “deep dive”. I love listening to Jim Braude and Margery Egan every day but there was one day when Jim said he was taking a deep dive and I screamed at Alexia to turn off. Poor thing isn’t used to getting yelled at, but I couldn’t listen a second longer. I didn’t listen to them for a week. Not that they will ever know about my silent protest, but I know. So, unpack that Jim and Margery.
Slime- I hate slime. I hate everything about it. One of my kids is obsessed with it. Obsessed to the point I am considering calling TLC and having her featured on an episode of My Strange Addiction. Now I know a 10-year-old loving slime isn’t as strange as a 38 year old that likes to eat dryer sheets or a 53 year old that lives her life dressed as an infant, diaper and all, but it drives me insane just the same! I find remnants of it everywhere, it has ruined books, table cloths, a dresser and most of my Tupperware has been sacrificed all in the name of slime. As a matter of fact, one of my kiddos and I are locked in an epic showdown for the ages; she got yellow slime on the doorknob to the basement. I refuse to clean it and she can't play with slime until she cleans it. So far neither one of us has budged. May the best person (mom) win. I hope this fad leaves us just as 2017 has.
Eyebrows- I just don’t get those big, thick, heavy, way over drawn eyebrows. It is not a good look. For anyone. Ever. My last post told you about someone at the grocery store. Well, at the cafeteria at work there was a beautiful young girl. She was stunning; beautiful skin, beautiful hair, perfect body, etc. But she had these fake eyebrows that looked like the friggin count from Sesame Street. They had to be a solid inch thick and a good 6 inches in length (not including the sharp, razor thin ends that finished off somewhere behind her ears). I didn’t want to look or comment because I did not want to encourage this look in any way, shape or form but I couldn’t look away. You know how they say right before you die you are drawn to the light? It was like that, there was something magical about these brows you are just drawn to them and no matter how hard you try you can’t look away. They were that spectacularly ridiculous. I hope 2018 brings back a subtler brow.
Car confessionals- This I trend I don’t understand at all. My Facebook feed is filled with people sitting in their cars waxing poetic on whatever the current injustice in the world is. Racism? There is a car talker for that. Sexism, someone sitting in their car telling men how to behave? You bet. Bullies? Oh, you can find at least 579, car seat social justice warriors discussing them. I don’t get it. When I have something important to say I have never had the urge to go sit in my car and discuss it to an imaginary audience and then post it online. I just don’t understand this concept at all. But I think I am in the minority here, when I see people post these videos their comments are full of phrases like, “true story”, “amen” and the ever popular; “this” (with any arrow pointing up), Logistically I have some questions; 1. Do these people have a camera already mounted in their car in case they feel a soliloquy come on? Or do they have to go get the camera ready? 2. Do they practice in front of their mirror, so they know what they want to say? —these seem pretty thought out, they angles, the facial expressions... 3. Do they pull over to a safe place so they don’t put others lives at risk when they are saving the world with their car seat confessional? 4. Do they clean their cars out in case the camera angle dips down a bit. If I were ever to make a car seat video and the camera panned around the world would see my car is a sh*t hole. Or is it that their house is such a mess they need to go to their car to film their monologue? And 5. Why the hell are you making a video of yourself talking to no one in your car?
I am imagining if you are the type of person that takes to your car to make a video chances are your life is kind of in shambles, so your car is your only safe place. Case in point. Poor Tyrese has been making a LOT of car seat videos. His life is spinning out of control, I watch TMZ, I know these things. Some people have the Wall Street Journal or NY Times. I have Harvey Levin. Seeing his life fall apart in a sequence of these videos has made me think there needs to be some kind of system in place for the makers of said videos. Like you know how some repeat drunk drivers have to blow into a device before they can drive their car? I think some of these repeat car video offenders should have to pass some type of standardized psychological test before given free reign of their car mounted camera. And don’t get me started about the people that make a car seat video AND use that asinine filter that makes their eyes bug out, their mouth super wide and have chipmunk voices. I hope these videos go the way of the ones where people would stand silently, with somber music playing in the background while they held up page after page of cue cards with some pull at the heartstrings crap while making ridiculously over the top facial expressions, like that God-awful side smirk.
So here is to 2018! A new year and a new crop of things to drive me bat-shit crazy!! Happy New Year!!