Monday, July 16, 2012

Rolling in the Deep

I usually do not get heavy with my blog posts...I don't get philosophical or wax poetic.  BUT....I am going there tonight my friends.  I am going to pose a question to you and I want you to really think about it.  Truly sit with it for a while and really think about it.

Here goes...

If you work hard to keep your house neat, organized and clean and no one notices, is your house really clean?

Monday, July 9, 2012

Mama said knock you out...

To truly appreciate this post please read this blog while you hum the Rocky theme song to yourself.

In this corner at 4 years 8 months old weighing in at 33 pounds we have Sara Sweetheart.  In the other corner we have her opponent...at 2 years 7 months old weighing in at a solid 30 pounds we have Anna the Destructor. I will be playing the role as the referee...

The two of them are usually thick as thieves, play well together and really look out for each other.  They are the best of friends.  But lately Anna has these fits when she turns into a 30 pound ball of rage.  She gets an idea in her head of what she wants and if Sara does not immediately concede and give in Anna turns into a pit bull and will not back down.  Fortunately for all of us Anna declares her intentions before acting on them.  It may only be a split second but we have tiny bit of a head start..."I am going to hit you"  she is usually heard uttering right before decking Sara.   Then she proceeds to pummel Sara as I try to pry her little meat-mit hands off of her sister.  In my last post I told you all about the fight when I had Sara run into my room and lock the door.  Well tonight it was worse.  Oh yes my friends...Anna knew what she wanted and was not stopping until she got it...

What is it that she wanted? A green bucket that Sara had on her head.  They were in the tub together having a great time laughing, singing and being silly.  Then I heard it..."I am going to hit you"...I jumped up faster than I thought humanly possible.  I run in the bathroom and I see Anna trying to pull the bucket off Sara's head...Sara is losing her grip and is about to go under the water.  I am trying to pull Anna off of Sara but trying to grab a soapy toddler out of a tub is about as easy as being on Weight Watchers and leaving a Hershey Bar on the table.  Ain't gonna happen.  I am screaming at Anna telling her to let go, she is going to kill her sister.  She is yelling back at me that I am the baddest mommy ever.  Of course all the windows were open.  Thank God our neighbors are elderly and this all fell on deaf ears...literally...if not I can just imagine what someone passing by would think was happening inside our house....if they were of the hearing kind I bet we would have had a visit from the state.  Yeah, it was that ridiculous.

We have tried to tell Sara it is OK for her to hit her sister back if she is getting attacked.  That she would not get in trouble.  Sara did actually "hit" Anna back the other day...if you want to call it that.  It was more of wimpy tap...you know the kind when boys are trying to imitate a girl hitting.  Well, that just infuriated Anna more.  If you know them in person you can probably imagine the scene.  If not let me paint a little picture for you of how I envision my children on a Friday night about 12 to 13 years from now...Sara will be home studying for a test that is scheduled in a month's time.  At the same time I will be getting a call to go pick up Anna who undoubtedly will have snuck out to hang out behind the Vo-Tech and will be found smoking and drinking while some boy holds her legs up in a keg stand.  Anna is forever pushing the limits and Sara never breaks a rule.  Sometimes we wish she would just break one rule...just once, just so she can live a little.  Maybe color outside the lines of her coloring book?  cut in line? tell a lie?...something!  But those are there little personalities and for better or worse we need to find ways to deal with them.

We have no idea where Anna's rage is coming from.  She has a pretty easy life.  Gets up in the morning, has 1st breakfast, watches a little TV and then she gets to play ALL DAY LONG!!!  Not much stress there.  Chuck and I have never hit her, we don't believe in it as a form of discipline and the kids that she does have playdates with are all good kids...they aren't the fighting kind.  So this is all a mystery to me.  I have no idea how to solve it.  If it were the reverse and the older kid was picking on the younger that would make a little more sense and I would have some clue as to what to do.  But, like all aspects of parenting I am realizing more and more I HAVE NO CLUE!!

To top off the battle royale part deux I have been woken up at 2 a.m. the past couple of days.  Sara has had night terrors again?  Ya think?  We make her sleep in the bunk above her nemesis every night.  Of course she will wake up in a cold sweat.

Also, it was a beautiful day and I really was antsy to get outside.  But wasn't happening.  Anna had the "runs" today.  But she is still in diapers and really didn't "run" anywhere.  She is not interested in being civilized...loves her diapers and has not intention of getting out of them anytime soon.  So she would just poop whereever she was and if I had the audacity to ask her if she had a poop she would say in a very angry tone that she didn't want to talk about it.  Yeah...well we didn't want to smell it Anna...Wiping crap off someone else's back as they call you the worst mommy ever is everything I had imagined motherhood to be.

 I swear I should write a book called "What to Really Expect When Expecting" because I think I  missed this chapter.







Friday, July 6, 2012

Lies People Tell

As a parent I try very hard to be honest with my children.  For the most part I answer all their questions truthfully, age appropriate of course but truthfully.  They know the proper names for their body parts...though Anna has a "my-gina" and it is too funny so I haven't corrected her yet, they know that sometimes life isn't fair and that there are winners and losers when playing a game, they know that my hair is really grey underneath the hair dye, they know what really happened to their cat Maddie who died and that Elizabeth Warren really isn't Native American...all the fundamental truths.

Like I said, I pride myself on being honest with my girls..and I thought I was...that is until this morning when I had to call Santa.  Yes my friends, I said Santa.  There was a huge knock-down drag-out fight this morning.  Anna was mad at Sara (for no real reason) and went on the attack.  Even though Anna is the younger of the 2 she is definitely the scrappier of the two.  She was pulling her around by her shirt and then pulling her hair by the fists full.  I had to break them apart (which is not easy...Anna is like a pit bull and once she gets something in her sights she doesn't let go)...I had Sara run into my room, shut and lock the door and hide out until Anna calmed down.  Anna was not being rational...imagine that?  A 2 year old not rational?  So I had to call in the big guns.  I got Santa on the line.  Fortunately I have his direct number and he is always available.  Sadly, I have had to call him several times since last Christmas. 

It got me thinking.  I am not as honest with my kids as I thought.  In reality Chuck and I both sit on a throne of lies.  Truth be told we lie to them constantly.

Cultural Lies:  These I don't really feel bad about.  These are lies that society as a whole participate in.  Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc...These are little white lies...they are not meant to harm or hurt anyone.  Plus, I totally use them to my advantage.  They are awesome at correcting errant behavior.  Oh, girls you don't want to clean your room?  That is ok, but remember Santa will look in his magic snowball and see that you don't take care of the toys you have so he will think you don't need new ones..."Santa is watching" is enough to get them to turn their behavior on a dime.  The past few years have brought about another amazing parenting tool...THE ELF ON A SHELF!!!  This expands the whole Santa is watching time-frame by about a month.  Plus, they send emails periodically throughout the year to help keep the kids on their toes.  If you forget to move the imaginary elf there are websites listing excuses (i.e. LIES) you can tell you children as to why you did not move it.  It is a whole cottage industry based on lies...


Lies of Convenience:  These are lies that help make your life as a parent easier.  If you have children you are well aware of these (or maybe I am the only deceitful parent out there).  Some examples of these are when it is time for you and your kids to leave somewhere telling them it is closing...Oh girls we have to go, the park is closing now (even though there really aren't any set hours)...Or another example when you are running late and they ask if their hair or outfit looks crazy you simply say no with a straight face as you look at the bike helmet, rainbow sweater, diaper and rain boots they have put together as their ensemble.  Anna has needed to take some Allergy medicine lately.  She gets mad that she only needs 1 tsp.  So, instead of listening to her I put it in 2 smaller syringes and tell her that she now gets to take two.  Lie!!   Sadly, as I sit here and think about it I tell at least 3-4 of these a day.  I am realizing that I am as dishonest with my kids as the day is long...


Lazy Lies:  These are lies parents tell out of sheer laziness.  My Lazy lies have been well documented on my Facebook page as well as this blog.  I have been known to shut all the shades on a snowy day when I didn't have the energy at 6 in the morning to get the girls all dressed up in their snow gear and stand out in sub zero temps...I originally told the girls that the rule book for the mini van said you couldn't eat or drink in it.  It was against the rules.  That didn't last too long.  Then I had to come up with another lie about why we could now eat/drink in it.  For the record you are allowed to eat/drink in mini vans when they send you a letter in the mail saying so.  I have a habit of blaming things on the news...oh, the news said we can't go outside today...it is too hot/cold/rainy...oh, the news said that the Ecotarium is closed today...oh, the news said that everyone needs to be nice to their sister today... There have been several times I have been this close to calling my brother or my friend V.R. and seeing if they could make a fake newscast to help perpetuate my lies.

Fortunately for me the girls are still young enough that they believe whatever we say.  But we know that the day is coming when they realize that Chuck and I are full of sh*t.  Until then we are going to milk the dishonesty for as long as possible.  Plus, the news says it is OK to lie to your kids. 





Tuesday, July 3, 2012

It's all MY fault

It is!!  Every misfortune that befalls my children is MY fault. They remind me of it all the time.  Here are some recent examples of how I have ruined their lives....

Situation:  Anna's chocolate chips were not sufficiently mixed throughout her waffle.  She blames me.

Reality:  I asked Anna if she wanted me to sprinkle chocolate chips on her waffle.  (I offered since every time she clumps them up in one spot and gets mad)  She said no, she wanted to do it.  I showed her how to sprinkle them around to avoid the clump.  She says OK and dumps them right in the middle.  Since the waffle and syrup are warm they melt and clump.  She gets pissed.  "Mom, you did it because you made me put the chocolate chips on".

Situation:  Anna got bubbles in her mouth while playing in the tub.  Sara blames me.


Reality:  The girls were playing in the tub.  They don't like me in there with them anymore.  I guess I cramp their style.  So I was hanging out in my room (which is right next to the bathroom) and Anna starts crying and making some weird noise.  She had bubbles in her mouth (from putting HER fingers in HER mouth).  I clean out the bubbles and remind her not to put her fingers in her mouth or she will get bubbles in her mouth again.  Sara tells me that it was my fault because I didn't get the bubbles off her hands before she put them in her mouth.  Huh?


Situation:  Sara was running around the house and tripped on one of her toys that she left on the floor.  Of course it was MY fault.

Reality:  I had cleaned the kitchen, my bedroom and bathroom.  I also cleaned the living room but asked the girls the clean up their toys.  I was not going to do it for them.  OK, OK MUUUUM, we will clean it.  That is the rhetoric I got from them.  So I go about my business until Sara falls that is.  She is crying and carrying on.  When she calms down enough to be understood she is yelling at me for not moving her toys out of the way until they had time to clean them.

Situation:  Sara got stung by a bee.  Kind of a no fault incident one would think...


Reality:  For once this one wasn't my fault.  It was Chuck and her cousin Ceara's fault. (Finally, I am off the hook for something)  Sara told me that she kept telling Chuck and Ceara that she was going to get stung by a bee but they didn't listen.  Sure enough, she was stung so it must be their fault.  Maybe if she thinks hard enough that we are going to win the lottery we will.  Oh the Magical thinking stage...

Situation:  Lucy (the cat) woke up and climbed off Sara's bed and I am to blame.

Reality:  Sara went to be late, then consequently she slept late.  Lucy sleeps from 8 pm to 8 am.  Sara slept in.  Lucy got up at her regular time and went about her day.  Sara screams for me to come into her room.  I go in expecting to find some catastrophe...I should have known better...Sara was pissed at me because Lucy was not in bed with her when she woke up.  I told her she slept late and that is why Lucy was already out of bed.  Not good enough.  My fault...she told me I should have woken her up before Lucy got up so they could wake up together.


Situation:  The girls could not go on a ride.  I am then dubbed the worst mommy ever.

Reality:  We went to a store the other day that had an unexpected quarter-powered ride.  If we go to Market Basket I make sure I have quarters and the girls get to ride if they behave.  I had no quarters since I DIDN"T KNOW there was going to be a ride.  Anna was so mad at me...telling me that I should have brought quarters...that I did know there was a ride...that I was mean.  Then the whole walk from Babies R Us to Target she sang "The Worst Mommy Ever" song.  If you are familiar with Sponge Bob it is the same tune as "Best day Ever".

Through out my blog it has been well documented that I ruined Sara's preschool graduation, her dance recital and her Story Land visit...the list goes on and on and on.  If what they say about perception being reality is true then I am single handedly to blame for their awful childhoods...I guess I should archive this blog and save it for the therapists they will inevitably need to visit during their adolescents.