Friday, September 28, 2012

The poop stops here!!

Or at least I hope it does!!  So if you have been following my blog you know that Sara has some GI issues and that from time to time it flares up.  Well it is that time again!  Yay!! (please read "Yay"  in a soft, faux excited voice while raising your arms in mock triumph)...there is nothing joyful about it. 

As luck would have it, I hit the sh*tpot!!  I guess a truly lucky person would win the lottery on their days off.  They win the jackpot.  My luck is such that these "cleanouts" ALWAYS happen on my days off.  Not Chuck's...hence the sh*tpot!!  That my friends is my prize to claim.

So this is about the 3rd flare up in only a few months time.  I know the drill by now but it never gets easier.  So I batten down the hatches and get ready to deal with the crap...both literally and figuratively.  I know better than trying to venture out into society so I get to stay home for 48 hours straight.  My version of hell on earth.  So I start pumping Sarita with her meds and wait...and wait...and wait...in the meantime she fells like crap (pun intended) so she takes it out on me, Anna on occasion, but mostly me.  I can handle it..I ignore all the insults (you are the worst mommy ever, you don't let us do anything fun, you are boring, you have a pimple under your nose), I fill the tub.  I empty the tub.  I bleach out the tub.  5 times on Wednesday alone.  I lost count how many times in total.  I even cleaned poop off the bathroom wall...don't ask!!!

As if this weren't enough Anna decides to get in on the action.  I think in the grand scheme of things she felt left out so the bugger starts having accidents of her own.  Isn't it usually the older child that regresses?  Nope, not here...the 2 year old decides to join in.  So now I am cleaning up poop AND pee accidents.  At least Sara is taking care of business in the bathroom.  Anna pees where ever she happens to be...on the carpet, in her room, under the table.  It is like I have a flippin puppy.  How one child can have that much urine inside of her is the 8th Wonder of the World.  I ran out of undies for them.  I had to have gone through 27 pairs that day.  I would not give in.  Anna was NOT going back in diapers.  I was going to outlast her.  Perseverance paid off for me (or she became dehydrated and  had no pee left) because she finally stayed dry for a 2 hour span.    Later she comes to me and tells me that there was something in her pants.  Sure enough, I could see something underneath her pant leg.  I think it is a little Squinkie toy and reach up and pull it out.  IT WAS POOP!!!  How did she not know she had poop floating around in her pant leg?  Then she has the audacity to yell at me and tell me I am gross for touching poop!!  Are you Serious?  She is the uncivilized one who craps herself and she has the gall to call me out...I wanted to throw my hands up, get in my car and clear my head.  But, unfortunately I could not...not because they are minors and legally I am obligated to provide supervision...not because Sara was sick, taking medication and needed to be monitored for adverse reactions...and not because I could not in good conscience ask someone to babysit them knowing full well the sh*t show they would encounter...no my friends, there is a much darker reason...

 We had a big bottle of prune juice in the fridge.  Sara's doctor recommended it last time she was having issues.  He said it was a gentle way of getting things done.  Sara took one look of the color and refused to even try it. I refuse to waste food.  It is one of my biggest pet peeves.  I was also desperate.  It was the day before grocery shopping and I was out of my Crystal light.  I am not a water drinker.  Too boring.  So I poured myself a large glass (about 16 ounces) of the prune juice.  It was really good.  Later that afternoon I was thirsty again.  I had another 16 ounce glass of it...
Gentle my ass!!!

Upon further research turns out prune juice should only be taken in moderation.  4 ounces TOPS!!  I had 32 ounces in less than an 8 hour span. Needless to say I was in no condition to leave the house that afternoon either...It was a crappy 2 days off...again, pun intended.   

Friday, September 21, 2012

All in a day's words...

These are actual things my children have said in the 24 hour span that was yesterday...

* Sara:  Hey mom, you have something on your butt. 
   Me:  Really, what is it?  Maybe it is just dust from the door? 
   Sara:  Nope, I don't know what it is.  I saw it there this morning when we were waiting at school.    
   Me:  Why didn't you tell me?
   Sara:  I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everyone.

Thanks Sara, I waited in the school yard for drop off AND pick up with something on my a$$.  In between that I went to Market Basket for many, many more people to see.  Thanks for looking out for me Sara. 

So Anna and I were at Market Basket...as you all know that always lends itself to a blog post.  Yesterday was no exception...

Anna is a very funny kid.  I could just sit and listen to her for hours.  She is however, almost always unintentionally inappropriate.  Yesterday she did not disappoint.

*While in the cereal aisle I told her she could pick a box she liked.  She said she wanted "fruit balls" (Trix).  I said sure.  Then she went on and on expounding on the merits of "balls".  "I love fruity balls...they are delicious".  "I like chocolate balls (Cocoa Puffs) too".  "Balls are yummy"!!  Now like you may have figured out by now...I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy and that to me was comic genius.

*Again, another Market Basket gem...we got to walk past the diaper aisle!!!  Anna is doing great with potty training, she only needs a diaper at night.  I told her I was so happy that I didn't need to buy any diapers.  She agreed and added "diapers make my butt and muh-gina (vagina) hot and stinky...I don't like diapers!!  I don't like having a hot muh-gina"...of course this she says as loud as can be in the cracker/chip aisle...one of the higher traffic aisles in the store...so I was not the only one that got to share in her words of wisdom.

And lastly, this was right before bedtime...Anna was asleep, Chuck was exercising and  I was helping Sara finish up in the bathroom.  She says, "hey mom, remember when daddy broke the toilet seat?"  I tell her yes, I remember.  She asks if it was because he has a fat bum (for the record he doesn't).  I said no, it was an old toilet seat and sometimes when you sit on them the wrong way they can crack.  She says to me totally serious and with a very thoughtful look, "it is kind of weird that you didn't break it since you are fatter than daddy"...Again, for the record that is NOT true!!!  If any of you know Sara in real life you can understand why I could not debate the issue with her...it would set her off and cause a round of grunting, screaming and pouting.  I decided to just go on with my night, but, I did pass on an after dinner snack....

Can only imagine what today's conversations will bring.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Payback is a...sporty smelling men's deoderant

Sorry for the long delay in a new post.  I have been busy with everything and nothing.  Anyway I have been pretty sleep deprived lately...no new reason, just more of the same...kids waking up to pee, skunks spraying at 3 a.m., cats that are out to ruin my life and just general insomnia.  So I have been cranky.  I know you are all thinking, not Erin!  She is so easy going....I can hear Chuck laughing at work right now.  But, yes my friends it is true...I have been less than pleasant lately.  If you don't believe me just as the poor schleps that work at the phone company...they have been experiencing my wrath daily for a week now.  There are a couple of examples that really stand out, I am sure my betrothed can site many more examples but I will share two.

Example #1.  I am a mother.  Therefore, I have nothing nice anymore and nothing that is my own.  I never buy anything for myself, everything is for the girls.  I actually bought some new eye shadow lately.  Nothing crazy, nothing expensive.  Just $8 age defying eye shadow that was specifically for "tired eyes".  I went for it.  I had to look good for Madonna.  When I got home I got all my old make-up together and gave it to the girls.  They have their own kid stuff but they really think it is a treat to use mine.  They were in their glory and quite frankly looking like two circus clowns.  I had the new shadow for less than 24 hours when I went to get ready for the first PTA meeting of the new school year.  I had dinner with the fam, took a shower, got dressed, dried my hair and even put it in velcro rollers.  I was going to make a good impression this year.  I grabbed my new eye shadow to put on the finishing touches.  I opened it up and found it shattered!!  SHATTERED!!  I was overcome with such rage.  I yanked out the rollers and threw them in their box, was yelling and carrying on about how I have nothing that is sacred.  Thank God it was still hot out and the air conditioners were on and the windows were closed, if not the neighbors would have certainly called McClean's looking to see if they had a bed for me.  For those of you not from around here McLean's is the local psychiatric hospital.  Chuck was mumbling something about a mental patient.  Yes, I was talking to myself and yes, I way over reacted to a small infraction by a 2 and 4 year old but I was so mad.  So mad in fact that I did not go to the PTA meeting that night.  I was afraid that I could not complete a sentence with including an f-bomb.  Not the impression I was hoping to make...The next day I did go out and buy ALL new makeup and I hid it so the girls don't even get a glimpse of it the theory being that what they don't know about they can't ruin.

Example #2.  This past Thursday I had a busy day.  Nothing out of the ordinary, brought Sara too and from school, cleaned the house, made breakfast, lunch and dinner, waited for the phone guy and played with the kids.  Just a typical weekday.  Well, since it was Thursday it was grocery shopping night.  My plan was to go as soon as Chuck got home.  He got home and made some comment, nothing terrible and if I had at least one good night's sleep in the past 5 years I probably would have let it roll off my shoulders.  BUT, since the previous night I only slept from 4:30 a.m. until 5:11 a.m. I was not in a forgiving mood.  I said that's it.  I am not going shopping, I am going in my room and I am done for the night.  So I made myself a pizza, grabbed a soda and off I went to sulk.  Well, the grocery shopping was never done that night.  To prove some ridiculous point I told Chuck if he wanted the shopping done he would need to do it himself.  Little did I know this tantrum would come back to bite me.  He did do the shopping after work on Friday.  He came home with 2 minutes to spare before I had to leave for work.  But one very important thing was on the grocery list.  MY deodorant.  So in the course of getting ready I realized that I had forgotten that one important detail.  I scrambled but there was nothing left in mine.  I had to go to work, I can't go smelly (it is a fragrance free environment and any of you that know me in the real world know that if it is over 55 degrees out I sweat, not perspire, not glow, but SWEAT!!  I would stink and that is probably, technically breaking the fragrance free rule).  There was no way I could go without or try to substitute with powder...I had to bite the bullet and use Chuck's sporty smelling deodorant.  So now, not only was I still pissed over the original "non" incident but for the next 5 hours at work all I could smell was Chuck's Speed Stick in Irish Spring scent. 

Lessons leaned; Give up on the dream of having anything nice as long as my children are still preschoolers and NEVER try to prove a point when personal hygiene items are on the line.

* This blog was brought to you by Mennen...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I am a mom (insert an emoticon with a squiggly line for a mouth)

I would insert it myself if I knew how.  I am a mom!  I AM a mom!  I am A mom!  I am a MOM!  No matter how I say it or what word I emphasize I am a mom.  I have been for almost 5 years now.  Intellectually I know that but there are those surreal "oh my God" moments when it hits me...I am a mom.  I have had a few of those this past week. 

My friend hosted a Back to School Bash the other day.  There were a couple of other mom's there and we were talking about the teachers our kids have this year, lunchbox ideas and the upcoming PTA meeting.  Those are all grown-up things.   I know that I am old enough to be the mom of two children...truth be told I was considered "advanced maternal age" when I had my kids.  I was a bit nervous they were going to have me deliver on the geriatric ward of the hospital...instead of a hospital drawer full of the awesome mesh undies it would be filled with tissues and hard candy.  But, discussing their education really made me feel like a grown up...a mom!!  Filling out the emergency contact cards, packing the lunch box and shopping for Sara's "perfect" first day of school dress really made it hit home...I am not just babysitting these kids.  They are mine.  Forever.  I am responsible for their physical and emotional well being, for shaping them into productive, contributing members of society.  I know this on an intellectual level but sometimes it just hits me.  I am their mother.

You need further evidence I am a mom?  I (we...Chuck and I) made the ultimate sacrifice the other day when we took the kids out for dinner.  Neither one of us felt like making dinner...just too lazy so we decide to go out.  Of all the restaurants in the Central MA/Metro West area the girls pick Bugaboo Creek. I am a vegetarian...I am the only vegetarian that does not like salad...go figure!  Bugaboo Creek is my version of restaurant hell...dead animals on the wall, mediocre food and no options for me (other than a baked potato).  BUT, the girls really, really wanted to go there.  So I made the ultimate sacrifice...taking my rare opportunity of not having to cook for the family and enjoying a meal prepared for me and squandering it away on a dry baked potato so the girls could have their moment in the sun.  The sign of a true parent, the willingness to forgo your own happiness (and a decent meal) for that  of your children.  Though I think Chuck made much more of a sacrifice that night.  He ate some coconut shrimp that may or may not have been rancid.  He spent the night in the bathroom puking up his own Bugaboo Creek.

Last night really sealed the deal for me feeling like a mom.  My sister gave me some tickets to see Madonna in concert.  I have 2 little kids.  I don't go out often.  I jumped at the chance!!  "Back in the Day" I would have spent the day picking out the perfect outfit, meeting up for dinner and drinks before the show and then heading to see the Material Girl.  Instead, it was Sara's first day of Preschool 2, I was in full on potty training mode with Anna, I cleaned the house and had a home cooked dinner with my family before heading in town.   Nothing screams MOM more than borrowing your 4 1/2 year old's red nail polish when getting ready to go see Madonna!!

Coming soon... How my life is better than Maddona's...