If you did not read that in a sing-song voice with a wicked Boston accent please go back and do so. OK,great. So living in a small town can be kind of like ground hog day. Same thing over and over again. Well my friends, something VERY EXCITING happened in our small town recently. I was driving home alone one evening when it caught my eye. Green and yellow flags atop the local strip mall gloriously flapping in the breeze. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I let out a scream and I am not going to lie...my eyes did mist over. The Dollar Tree was coming soon!!! It said so right on the sign. I was grinning from ear to ear. I could not stop smiling. I don't remember being this happy since the day I found out we were really going to have another baby. I felt like I was going to explode... I was elated! I felt as though I needed to share my joy, I grabbed my cell phone, now if you know me you know I am not one that makes cell phone calls all willy nilly. But this, this was a big deal. So I start to dial home to let Chuck in on this unbelievable good fortune our town was the lucky recipient of. I did think better of it and hang up before the first ring. I mean it would just add evidence to his argument that I am a total and complete nerd. I can honestly say that when I did get home and share what could quite possibly be some of The. Best. News. EVER!! He did not share in my excitement in the way he should have. Whatever....nothing was going to bring me down from my Dollar Tree high.
So I waited a few weeks for the opening. It was like counting down the birth of a child. Sadly I had to miss the grand opening. I had to work and though I tried to rationalize it in my mind, I just could not justify calling out to hang out at "the Tree".
So I take the kids and head over on the second day it was open. I am just going to put it out there; it was all that I expected AND MORE!!! All of the craptastic products in perfect lines on sparkly clean shelves! Employees only 2 days in so they were still excited about being there! And get this, our Dollar Tree has a frozen food section! I have never seen that before. When I walked over and saw it I swear it was as if the heaven's opened up and angels came floating down singing and sprinkling fairy dust. I believe, though I have no scientific proof, but, I may have had an out of body experience in that very moment.
If you have never been in a Dollar Tree you have not truly lived. Now you may have been in a Family Dollar, Dollar General, All for a Dollar or in the case of my Spanish friends a Todo por Cien store, but, they are NOT the same. Oh no my friends, they are world's apart. If you have never had the good fortune of strolling through a Dollar Tree let me set the scene for you. Everything is one dollar...none of this 2, 3, 4 or 5 dollar crap you encounter at the other stores. It is great for the kids, they can practice their early math skills and great for me because I suck at math. But at Dollar Tree I know if I purchase 5 items it is going to be 5 dollars. So you might be wondering what can you get at the Dollar Tree? EVERYTHING!! I am not sure if there is something they pump into the air in their stores, or perhaps they have subliminal messages strategically placed throughout, but man, when you are in there you feel compelled to buy it all! On my most recent trip I got an odd assortment of crap. I was a bit under the weather so I bought Dollar Tree "Nyquil" at 10 cents a pill I was a bit skeptical of their efficacy and guess what? I was proven right, they didn't work. But did I care? Nope, they were only a dollar. However, that did leave me less than enthused to try the deodorant I bought there. I tried it on a day I was home and would have minimal interaction with society, you're welcome...not the best wetness protection, but in a pinch it will do. Plus, again...only a dollar. The "unscented" hairspray has a very heavy perfumey smell so I will not be wearing that to work. I did get a ton of stuff for Emily's first birthday party. Oh how the times have changed. Sara, my first born, had a circus themed party....complete with a rented popcorn machine, circus music, ring toss and shooting gallery games. It was a Pintrest worthy party before Pintrest was even around! Emily is our third so I ran to the dollar store and got some cutsey paper goods. The poor third child...all the cliches are true. That being said, the Dollar Tree has a great party goods section and really cool mylar balloons.
They also have a great "teacher" section. For about ten bucks I got some teacher stuff and set up a classroom at home for Sara. We also got a bunch of stuff (place mats, salt and pepper shakers, aprons, etc) and set up a restaurant for Anna to play Yum, Yum. Yummy-o's in my Tum, Tum, Tummy-o's (the name of her pretend restaurant). Next up is a bunch of office supplies so the girls can play office. Oh, I also got a new set of measuring cups...the whole set a buck! At around the same time my husband bought a new set of Cake Boss measuring cups for 18 dollars!!! Sorry, but that is friggin ridiculous. With that I could have bought the measuring cups and 17 other things! And don't get me started on the $15 can opener he bought...when the Dollar Tree one works just the same.
I do have my standards though and there are a few things even I will not buy at the Dollar Tree. One dollar hair coloring. Nope, can't do it. 4 dollar hair coloring from Wal-Mart? Bring it on. Though I did realize the other night why they put a cape around you at a salon. If you see me Chuck is not trying to murder me, those are not bruises around my neck. Just hair coloring gone astray. I also did not purchase a one dollar pregnancy test. For one, no reason to, I am not and never will be pregnant again. For another, I don't imagine them being that accurate. I know some say they can detect pregnancy hormones 4 days before your missed period, some claim 5 and even 6 days before! I am pretty sure if I read the fine print on the Dollar Tree pregnancy test it would say it can detect pregnancy hormones at about 39 weeks gestation. So about that frozen food section. They sell Italian ice, ok, I might get those on a whim. It is just flavored ice, can't be that bad, right? But they sell eggs. Now I am not claiming to be a farmer or anything but I imagine the young sprightly chicks lay eggs and they are shipped to Shaws, Stop & Shop and Whole Foods. I know when I purchase eggs from Market Basket they are probably being pushed out of some middle-aged chicken's ass. Fine, I can live with that. But, I got to think the chickens laying eggs for the Dollar Tree have to be about 100 years old. Poor Gertrude and Millie are in the golden years and they are forced to sh*t out eggs at a profit of about 3 cents an egg. Just can't do it. My husband on the other hand recently bought frozen meatballs at "the Tree". Yup, you read that right. They are 'Circle "A" Ranch' brand. I think the "A" might stand for A$$hole. As in "what kind of a-hole would buy meatballs from the Dollar Tree?" Anyway, he did and they all liked them. Fortunately I am a vegetarian so I had a free pass from eating them. I am sure it is a safe bet I would have been fine eating them...can't imagine at less than 7 cents a meatball they contain much meat. Sawdust? Perhaps. Meat? Doubtful. If you are interested they also carry pork loin, fresh chicken drum sticks and salmon filets in the refrigerated section. In reality maybe a dollar is closer to what it truly costs to produce these food items, but, I am not entirely sure that even if I did eat meat, I would ever, under any circumstances purchase these particular food items from a dollar store...the chicken in particular. I think you are just asking for salmonella, worms in your brain from the pork and God knows what from the fish.
So there you have. My new reason for living. Well, at least for staying put in this little town a bit longer...the Dollar Tree has given me a new lease on small town life. As a matter of fact, as soon as I finish this blog I will be picking up the kids and heading back to "The Tree"...Holla!