Sunday, May 27, 2012

Date Night...wink, wink...(it ain't what it used to be!)

When I first met Chuck date night was so magical.  Waiting all week to see him...picking out the perfect outfit...properly shaving my legs...going somewhere fabulous and talking all night long about our future and what that would look like...Well the future is now and let me paint a little picture for you of what it looks like....

Last night was date night. Yes, it is true, I WAS looking forward to it all week but not for the reasons one might think.  I was really looking forward to a night away from the girls.  There I said it...I needed a break from them.  I love them to death but like the saying goes distance makes the heart grow fonder.  It was time to get ready.  I took a shower in the morning.  That was good enough.  I was wearing capris.  No need to shave my whole leg...just the 3 inches by my ankle would be fine.  That is all that is going to show anyway.  I did get my hair cut yesterday..so at least my hair was a littler nicer than just a regular weekday.  Ready to go.

We head out to dinner.  We had a new babysitter last night so Chuck (aka Nervous Nelly) insisted we go somewhere close to home just in case.  I did remind him his mom was about 5 minutes away if anything happened and if it were a true emergency the fire department would be there in less than 3 minutes.  To no avail...We had to go somewhere less than 15 minutes away.  Now we don't live in a metropolis so finding a restaurant within a 15 minute radius that did not have a drive-thru was a bit tricky.  But we found a cute little place with decent food.  No matter how hard we try we always end up breaking our rule of not talking about the kids on date night.  That was pretty much all we talked about.  We are two somewhat intelligent people...we used to talk about politics, world affairs, our dreams and goals.  What is happening to us?  Dinner was over.  We got in the car and it was 6:43.  What to do?  What to do?

We go clothes shopping for the girls.  We head to Old Navy...not a huge selection.  I suggest we go to Carter's.  Now if any of you know Chuck then you know he likes the path of least resistance.  He likes to be efficient and get things done quickly.  Surprisingly he agreed! We go and pick out a few more things.  On a side note there is a young couple in there shopping for newborn clothes.  They were so giddy...must be their first baby.  They probably had dinner and went shopping...loving the novelty of it all.  Little do they know that 4 years from now this WILL be there date night.  Doing errands for their kids on date night for the practicality of it...not for the novelty.  What is happening to us?  Still need bathing suits.  I didn't really like the one's at Carters.  Call me crazy but I think 2 and 4 year old girls should look like 2 and 4 year old girls.  No bikinis for my kids.  On a side not Old Navy had tiny bikini's for 18 month olds.  Just wrong on so many levels.  Anyway...I say that Target might have a better selection of suits.  Again, surprisingly he agrees to go to a 3rd store!!  Now I know he is feeling the pressure to make date night last past 7 p.m.

In and out of Target pretty quickly.  Back in the car at around 7:30.  We can NOT in good conscience have the sitter for only 2 hours.  She had to drive a little bit of a distance...it is her first time with us...she gave up a Saturday night...we need to make it worth her while so she will agree to watch the kids in the future.  Chuck doesn't drink...at all...so that limits us a bit in where we can go/what we can do.  So we come up with something...drum roll please....we go to check out the brand new Sam's Club!!   No, not some new hip night club...it is the new big box warehouse store that opened up near us about 3 weeks ago.  Can you stand it?  So we are walking through and we come upon the diapers...we spend a good 4 minutes in the aisle comparing price per diaper for all the different brands.  Keep in mind Anna is getting ready to ditch the diaper AND we do not have a membership and have NO plans on actually buying any diapers.  The absurdity of our lame date night hits us.  What is happening to us?  Then it all became crystal clear...We have turned into that old, stale couple we swore we would never be.  I told Chuck that I should just pack it in, get me a pair of elastic waist jeans, a t-shirt with an applique kitty, a fanny pack and call it a day!!  Sam's club is about to close.  We dejectedly head to the car.  Chuck announces he feels a blog entry coming on...

We get in the car to head home.  No more of this charade...no more pretending to be the exciting worldly couple that we used to be.  We are driving home and then Chuck surprises me!  Wait, what is going on?  He drives right past our exit.  He drives past the next 4 exits!!!  My heart starts racing...where are we going?  How is date night going to end?  Let me tell you how...we get off about 5 exits past our own and take the back roads home.  Just to kill time...don't want our new sitter to think we are complete losers...we can't show our faces before 9.  We make it home at a respectable 9:03....wow...how the mighty have fallen.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Things I don't understand, or.....WTF?

There are some things in life that no matter how hard I try I will never understand.  Here are some of them...

*  I don't understand why we taught Anna to talk.  She creeps in my room at 5:45 a.m. and crouches next to me and very loudly says...mommy open  your eyes...WTF?

*  I don't understand how my girls can be mortal enemies one minute (Anna: "I don't want any Sara's in this town...Sara's are mean...Sara: "Anna you are the worst sister I have ever had.") then be sitting on the SAME chair doing crafts 10 minutes later...WTF?

*  I don't understand my children's impeccable sense of timing...they will be playing in their room for hours and the second I pick up the phone (on the other side of the house) they find me like a heat seeking missile...along the same line, they always come in the last 5 minutes of a show so I never find out who did it...WTF?

*  I don't understand why they wait until we are about to walk out the door to poop.  Really?  Do we have to be late for EVERYTHING?...WTF?

*  I don't understand why every time I take a shower Anna is overcome with thirst.  She brings me a juice box to open every time I am in the shower...WTF?

*  I don't understand how Sara times her night terrors just so...as soon as I drift off to sleep she wakes up screaming....WTF?

*  I don't understand how Sara can finish dinner and IMMEDIATELY be in need of a snack...WTF?

*  I don't understand how Anna can come out of the tub dirtier than when she went in...WTF?

*  I don't understand how it is possible for my children to spill their food/drinks/snacks 100% of the time...WTF?

*  I don't understand how it is that I am almost 40 years old, married with 2 kids...where did the time go?...WTF?
 

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Art of the Deal

So over the weekend I started an allowance system for Sara.  She is starting to understand the very basic concept of money...that each coin and dollar represent different amounts and that you can use them to buy things that you want.  She also is really excited for the ice-cream man to start coming.  The ice cream man in expensive.  A Dora or Sponge Bob ice cream costs $2.50.  I figured this could be a good teachable moment.  Recently a friend told me that she started giving her son an allowance each week...I have been thinking about it for Sara and I thought the time was right.  She could earn small amounts of money if she does something above and beyond her usual responsibilities.  The girls need to clear their own plates, put their clothes in the hamper and pick up their toys when they are done playing.  I explained the concept to her and she was on board.

What a great way to teach the value of a dollar, delayed gratification having to save up for something special, advancing math skills, sharing and pitching in with household responsibilities and learning to be a productive, contributing member of a social group.  Generally just becoming civilized.

Doesn't that sound so intellectual and well thought out?  I know right?   Yes, I am an awesome in interviews.  Truth be told....I thought it would be a great way to enlist Sara as an indentured servant...and Anna since she always does whatever Sara does.  Cheap labor....plain and simple.

Well, you know what they say about best laid plans...This deal has been in place for about 3 days and in that time Sara has become a master negotiator.  She has decided that she is in charge of the living room.  She has been doing a great job keeping it picked up.  She even dusted in there today!  She even subcontracts out the stuffed animal roundup...that is Anna's job. It is so funny to hear her delegate tasks to Anna and Anna is eating it up...doing whatever Sara asks. They each get $.50 for cleaning the living room.

So that is all well and good.  But now she goes around the house looking for things to put away..."Hey mom how much will you give me if I put Dad's shoes in the closet?"..."Mom, if I feed the cats cat treats will you give me a quarter?"..."Mom, I just saw some dirt under the table if I sweep it up can I have a dollar?"...this goes on all day long.  This afternoon she picked up one of Anna's toys and said I am going to put this away so I can get another quarter.  I told her no, that she was not going to get a quarter for putting 1 toy away..she looked at me disgusted, put it right back down on the floor and walked away.  I told her that we are Lavallee's not Kardashian's that we need to actually do something to earn a living.  The message was lost on her.  I tried another approach...the whole honest day's work for an honest day's pay.  That laziness doesn't pay.  She could not have cared less. 

Yesterday she gave me $.05 for helping them clean up...she then took it back because she said that I did not work that hard to earn the money.  So I am torn...should I be worried that she is not learning the correct life lessons...or should I be proud that I am raising a future financial mogul that will eventually take care of me in my old age?  Either way I win...my TV room has not been this clean in a few years.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Kids say the darndest things...

And mine are no exception.  In the past week or so the girls have come out with some outrageous, funny and just ridiculous statements.  Here is just a sampling...

*  This morning I woke up to Anna loudly exclaiming, "I don't want any Sara's in my house.  Sara's are mean".

*  Chuck took the girls to McDonald's for dinner tonight.  They wanted to eat outside.  It was really too hot in the sun so he said no, they would cook out there.  Anna said, "OK, mommy would be really sad if she didn't have a Daddy, Sara and Anna anymore."

*  Sara made me a bookmark at school.  It was for Mother's Day.  Coincidentally I got a new book for Mother's Day.  She really wanted me to use it.  "But Mommy how will you know where to read?  You need to use your new book mark.  Here, you can put it in your new book about ties"...as she hands me 50 Shades of Grey.  Of course I had to use her gift but it felt so wrong using her little innocent, school made present inside of that book.

*  Started an allowance with Sara.  Today she earned a little extra money for cleaning up the TV room.  She did most of the work and I put 1 or 2 things away.   I gave her a dollar which she added to her bank.  She took a penny out and gave it to me.  She told me that I earned it.  A minute or so later she tells me that she is going to take it back since I "didn't work that hard to earn any money". 

*  Sara and I had a 3 day discussion about her birthday.  We went to 2 parties recently and it was great weather both days.  Sara's birthday is in October and historically the weather has been pretty crappy for her parties.  Also, last year Anna's birthday was on Thanksgiving Day so Sara feels slighted because her birthday isn't on a special day.  She declared, "I am changing my birthday to a better day...when I turn five Mom, you need to have my party on a special day in the summer".

*  And last, but certainly not least....while at Papa Gino's Anna's diaper fell off when I went to go get the pizza from the counter.  I came back and like I said before she had "discovered" herself.  She announces loudly to me..."mom, I have a belly button in my vagina bum"...how do you recover from that one?...


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Playing Catch Up...

So sorry I haven't been blogging.  Life has been crazy lately.  Let me catch you all up.  This past Saturday was super busy.  Chuck had said he was going to let me sleep in and take the girls to dance class.  I had to work on the actual Mother's Day so he wanted to at least let me have some time to myself.  It was a really nice gesture and it was so sweet of him to offer, but, let's face it, we all knew there was no chance in hell that was actually going to happen.  Not because Chuck bailed...it is just that he is embarrassing.  That is according to Sara.  She would not let him take her to dance because he "is embarrassing when he takes me"...now she is only 4 years old, she knows nothing about being embarrassed.  Wait till middle school Sara...I am sure that not only daddy will be embarrassing but I am sure you will think that I am awful to be seen in public with too.  So off we went to dance class...Anna came with us for good measure.  Didn't want me to be able to chat with the moms or anything.  Then it was off to do some errands, a birthday party, a dance recital and dinner with the cousins.  Throw in 4 hours in the car and call it a day.  Chuck was home...alone...happy almost Mother's Day to me.

Like I said, I had to work on the actual Mother's Day.  Sara got up unusually early and woke Anna up.  They came in my room and were bickering over who should "say it"...neither of them wanted to go first.  They made me breakfast and I got to get up and eat even earlier than a normal Sunday.  They were very sweet though.  They got me a new lunchbox for work, now I don't have to pack my lunch in a pink sparkly Princess bag and the book 50 Shades of Grey.  Off to work I go where for the first time since starting in the NICU I actually got peed and pooped on.  It was Mother's Day.  I got pooped on and it wasn't even my own kid.  Note to self...take a vacation day next year.

Monday I had a 20 minute follow up appointment.  After the hour ride in town my MD was 1.5 hours late.  My chart was incomplete, I needed to redo some stuff and ended up spending 5.5 hours dealing with this when all was said and done.  Thankfully my dad was with the girls.  Though I am not quite sure he would use the word "thankfully".  He took them to McDonald's for lunch.  The girls were done eating, he packed up the leftovers in their Happy Meal boxes and headed for the door.  Apparently Anna was confused and thought he ate her nuggets.  She threw a fit accusing him of eating her food, full on tantrum on the floor and everything.  I am sure the McDonald's patrons thought my dad was a grumpy old man who ate this poor child's lunch.  Despite seeing the nuggets in the box she still insists Bucka ate her lunch....

Tuesday was not much better.  As what can only be described as Erin's horrible, no good, very bad day it is one that I would like to forever erase from the books.  I had a ton of things to do before work sparing you the gory details...let's just say it didn't go smoothly.  Enough said.  I get to work, can't shake my awful morning so I go to the movies by myself after work.  Now the movies are so flippin expensive these days...I spent $20 (for just me!!...and it was bargain Tuesday) you would expect a good movie.  Nope in keeping with my craptastic day the movie was awful.  Don't waste your time or money seeing the 5 year engagement.  Spoiler alert...you spend 2 hours watching them flip flop back and forth knowing full well they will end up together in the end.

Wednesday I spend cleaning the house.  It has been raining a lot lately so we have been spending a ton of time inside...and it showed.  Later in the day I have to go do something for work, due to unforeseen circumstances I am running late.  Surprise, surprise!   

Today was a school day so I send Sara off and take Anna to her playgroup, only 1 week left.  She is sad I am thrilled.  The teacher asked the mom of the bad kid if he had an Icee or candy for breakfast...that his behavior was so out of control he needed to take a break out of the room.  YAY!!!  Finally!!!  The kid is a jerk.  There I said it.  I just called a 3 year old a jerk and man does it feel good.

I had no desire to make my kids lunch so we go to Papa Gino's for lunch.  It is going well, our number is called and I go get our pizza.  I come back and Anna is sitting there with her diaper off and has just "discovered" herself.  Good times.  I could not make some of this sh*t up if I tried.  I get her all readjusted and we eat our pizza. 

We come home and I get to clean the house again.  No word of a lie it took me 30 minutes to clean the plastic table cloth...the rainy day craft projects were out of control.  I make my shopping list and head to Market Basket.  Thankfully I was not run down by a lark this time.

Get home, put the stuff away and start talking to Chuck.  Sara and Anna are playing dog.  Sara sneaks over and bites my leg.  I am putting them to bed and Lucy the cat that doesn't care is laying in front of my like dead weight flicking her tail into my eye.  I kept pushing her and moving her away, but like I said she doesn't care...she just kept coming back for more.  Thankfully they are all asleep now and I have a minute to myself....hopefully I can catch my breath before one of them wakes up.

I promise I will have the blog back up and running this weekend.


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Sorry I haven't posted anything for a while.  I have been tending to my children, which, according to them I suck at.  Yep, nothing like a two year old to make you feel like a complete failure as a mother.  The other day I was picking up the house before work.  Yeah, I know, imagine that..my house needed to be picked up again, shocking.  Anna comes in the kitchen and asks me to play Barbies with her.  I told her I needed to pick up the kitchen and then get ready for work.  She says to me, "that is too long to wait...all you do is clean the house and go to work."  UGH!!!  She cut straight to the heart.

 Now logically I know that is not true.  Yes, I like to keep my house neat and organized but I am not a fanatic about it.  It is a small house, I am home way too much and if it is messy it gets claustrophobic so I like everything in its place.  I try to get it all done by 10 a.m. so I have the rest of the day free.  As for work, I only work 20 hours a week.  I am home with them every morning.  I have lunch with them 5 out of 7 days, dinner 4 out of the 7 and I am home to put them to bed every night. I do play with them everyday, read stories, do crafts and generally fulfill the job description that comes along with being a mom...and then some.   Chuck is with them 2 of the days I work and the third they are with their grandmother...they are not languishing in some dark, dank dungeon somewhere. 

Emotionally though she killed me.  Being a mom is hard, you never feel like you are doing it right.  Being a working mom brings about a ton of guilt.  Sara recently realized that some of her friends mom's don't work.  She brings that up when I am getting ready to go.  How come you have to work, why doesn't so and so's mom have to?  Now, even if financially I did not have to work I probably still would.  I give a ton of credit to full time stay at home mom's...that is probably the most grueling job out there.  But it isn't for me.  I would go nuts.  I think that I am a better mom for working.  It makes the time I am with them more valuable and it gives me an outlet.  Plus, I love what I do.  I let the girls know that I love going to work that it is something that is important to me and it makes me happy.  But, no matter what...it is hard to balance it all.  I always feel like something has to give.  That I can never give 100% to either place.  I am very fortunate that I am able to work part time and spend so much time with me girls.  But perception is reality.  Anna does not think I spend enough time playing with her.  I could play animals with her for 10 hours straight and it wouldn't be enough in her mind.  But this is her reality and I don't want her to look back on her childhood and remember me washing the dishes...

So I dropped what I was doing and played Barbies with her for 2 hours.  Got ready for work and went on with my day.  That night when I was putting Sara to bed she asked what we were doing the next day...she had school and a play-date.  She said she just wanted a day to stay home with me and Anna in our pajamas all day.  So morning comes, it is a monsoon out and Sara is having some GI issues.  I teach them a new expression "playing hookie".  I tell that that we will have one special day where it will be all fun, all day.  But, that it was just for that day.  Tomorrow back to reality.  They agree.  We stay home, cancel all our plans and just hang out and play.   I am with them the majority of the time so I always have to be the disciplinarian, the one to make sure they are eating healthy, setting limits and following through, making sure what they are watching on TV is age appropriate.  For once I want to be the one that gets to be the "friend"  the buddy that lets them do what they want, when they want.  I decide to be the "fun mom".  They had ice cream for breakfast, crafts, trampoline, saying yes to whatever they wanted to play.  It was so easy to be the fun mom.  We all had a great day. 

Well, the next day comes and boy do I pay for it.  Anna has her first breakfast at about 6:30 am.  A respectable waffle.  Well, then she asks for a roll (tootsie roll)...I tell her that she can have one after lunch.  It was too early for candy.  She hunches her shoulders forward, closes her eyes to half mast and declares..."I am so hunglee...I need a roll...I am just too hunglee"  I list other choices (apple, yogurt, cheese stick) and she says "I don't want anything yucky...I am so hunglee for a roll and nothing stupid"...the rest of the day kind of went on like that.  1:30 could not come fast enough.  I was counting down the minutes until I could go to work.  Of course now Sara is full on into her GI issues so she is screaming at me about every 2 minutes.  Like clockwork it resolves about an hour before Chuck comes home so she gets a spring in her step and is as pleasant as can be for him.  Lovely.

So today is kind of like my mother's day since I have to work tomorrow. Yesterday Chuck tells me he is going to take Sara to dance in the morning so I get to sleep in. Thanks Babe!!!   I stay up late catching up on all my DVR shows.  Of course I end up taking Sara to dance class.  Apparently Chuck embarrasses her when he takes her (that is according to Sara)...and Anna tags along for good measure.  Now we (me and the girls) are off to a birthday party and a dance recital while Chuck has the day to himself.  Back on the balance beam...Happy Mother's Day to me!!!





Monday, May 7, 2012

Groundhog Day

It is said that everyday is a new day.  Technically that is true in that it is a new 24 hour block of time.  However, there are several things that happen on a daily basis here at our house making it feel like that same day playing over and over again.  Let me fill you in on a few of them...

1.  Sara pokes herself in the eye everydayEveryday I suggest that maybe Sara should get safety goggles.  Everyday Sara screams at me for said suggestion.

2.  Everyday I find myself staring into Anna's mouth with a mini flashlight trying to find a rogue piece of hair.  How she gets hair in her mouth everyday is a mystery to me.

3.  Chuck curses at me my under his breath everyday for my inability to properly load the dishwasher.

4.  I curse at Chuck everyday for his inability to properly stack the kid's plastic plates.

5.  Everyday I hear Anna start to cry and everyday Sara immediately calls me saying that Anna hurt herself and everyday Anna says that Sara did it.

6.  Everyday I announce that I am on break and I am going to watch TMZ and no one is allowed to interrupt me.  Everyday I am interrupted at about 7:06.

7.  Everyday before bed Sara insists that she does not need to go to the bathroom.  Everyday she protests and acts insulted when I suggest it.  Everyday when I make her go try... she pees.

8.  At the end of everyday Anna looks as if she walked through a garbage dump on a hot humid day.  No matter if she has a tub or not she ends everyday filthy.

9.  Everyday Sara reminds me of some promise she claims I have broken, everyday I get food spilled on me, everyday Anna hounds me for the cabinet magnet for hours on end, everyday I spend the majority of my time cooking and cleaning up after everyone else and everyday I have to sacrifice something  (a show, my last special ice-cream, sleep...) for my kids.

10.  Everyday I wake up knowing I get to do it all over again...and I wouldn't have it any other way...well, maybe except for the cooking and cleaning part.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Promises, Promises

I try really hard not to make promises to my kids that I am not willing to keep.  Generally I don't make outlandish threats or offer ridiculous prizes...If I do, then I follow through.  Case in point; Ms Amerigold Lemon Lavallee, our guinea pig that joined the family after I made one such promise.  In short, I am not going to write a check I am not willing to cash.  Chuck needs to brush up on this skill.

Sara likes to snuggle and watch a little TV with me before bed time.  By the end of the night I am sick of kid's shows so I try and pick something that I am interested in that is also appropriate for a child.  It is usually a cooking show, House Hunters or something like that.  Last night we settled on Chronicle...it was about exotic pets and a local animal sanctuary.  Simple enough, right?  Oh, no...of course it turns into a whole ordeal.  Sara is now campaigning to get a ferret. There was a couple on there that had some ferrets as pets.  She thought they were really cute and loved that you could take them for a walk on a leash.  So she starts in with...can I get a ferret....they are so cute..they make great pets...we could put the cage in my room...etc., etc....

I nipped it in the bud pretty quick.  Nope, we can not get one.  We have plenty of pets and besides cats don't like ferrets and Lucy might try to eat it.  I told her we could talk about it again when she was a teenager.  She grumbled a little bit but seemed to accept it.  That was until Chuck entered the conversation.  She asked him if she could get one, he said yes if she got rid of one of the pets she already had!  Really, are you kidding me?  So of course Sara instantly says, can we get rid of the frogs?  Yes, we now have frogs living in our house...Oh yeah my friends, we have real live, big green, slimy frogs.  Sara loves to go to frog hunting.  The pond at Purgatory was dried up and they were having a hard time catching them from our pond.  The frogs like to hang out in the middle and taunt Chuck because he can't reach them.  He was not to be defeated.  He got an 8 foot net and won the war.  He put them in an old fish tank we had.  He also bought them some crickets, a hollowed out log to play in and other goodies.  Yes, these are pond frogs.  The girls play with them for about a week, let them go and catch another batch...so there is no real emotional attachment.   Sara was quick to offer them up as the sacrificial pet.  No deal said Chuck.  So for the past 12 hours Sara has been making a list of pros and cons as to which pet should go.  I think the guinea pig is the one she is leaning towards...he latest reason is, "she is really cute but she scratches me sometimes"...I want to let her in on a little secret; Sara herself is cute but she isn't always nice to me but I wouldn't trade her away for a ferret...there are days I would like to, but I wouldn't.

I called Chuck on this last night and he said she won't give any of them away. I am not so sure.  I am leaving this one up to him.  It was his promise...he can be his solution.  I am just putting it out there...I am not going to be happy if we get a ferret.

On another completely unrelated note I think I am actively dying. I am not exaggerating when I say I have had about 3 hours sleep in the past 4 days.  Between night terrors, the cat that loves me a little too much and the sleep-talking trio (no, that is not an a singing group) I can't catch a break.  My body aches, my eyes sting, I have this intense cold deep down in my bones that will not break despite sweats, blankets and cranked up heat.  My ear lobes and teeth hurt.  I am starving yet have no desire to eat.  On the off hand chance I survive long enough to go to work this afternoon I just put on some fake tanning lotion.  The odd grey color of my skin would just not be acceptable in public.  I do have a 3 day weekend and I am trying to decide if that is a good thing (I can catch up on sleep) or is a bad thing (more time to be awake and contribute to my exhaustion)..

You may be asking yourself why am I on the computer instead of taking a nap.  I tried that but the girls borrowed a voice changing megaphone from their friends yesterday...they realize that in addition to singing the ABC's like Darth Vader they can make this awesome high pitch police car sound.  Yay me!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Third time is a charm...or in this case a lark

Anna and I headed to Wal-Mart the other morning to get new bottles...wanted to be prepared for when the one remaining bottle inevitably went missing.  Now I know that Wal-Mart before 11 a.m. is God's waiting room and I am taking my life in my hands...it was a little before 9 a.m. and it was teeming with the elderly.  We made it in, got what we needed and were headed for the door.  We were on track for making it out without incident.  20 feet from the door it happened.  I was hit by a lark (or scooter or rascal).  Take your pick, but no matter what you call it it hit me!!  Now I want to share something with you; this is not the first time I have been hit by a lark, nor the second...this is the 3rd time!!!  Yes folks...3 flippin times!!!  Now I guess mathematically it makes sense.  I shop at Wal-Mart and Market Basket, which in my estimation has the highest percentage of shoppers that use larks.  So statistically lets work this out...I am at Market Basket once a week and Wal-Mart usually every other week...so the odds of me getting run over by a lark are pretty good.

I fancy myself a bit of an amateur cultural anthropologist.  I love to people watch, I find it fascinating to try and figure out what makes people tick.  For the life of me I can not figure out the subculture of people that willingly chose to ride a lark while shopping.  It is not a wheelchair that they need for medical reasons, it is not prescribed by their health care professional.  These are electronic shopping carts with a chair.  Anyone can use them...there may be an age requirement but other than that there are no restrictions.  It is a curious lot of people that use them...I have not seen a real pattern, I have seen teenagers, the elderly, overweight people, underweight people and everything in between.  I always thought to myself that they must have some underlying condition that is not overtly obvious.  That is until this one day I was in the produce aisle and I saw a lark coming, instinctively I move to the other side, I had already been hit once and had a slight case of PTSD (Post Traumatic Scooter Disorder) then I realize I know the driver!  More importantly I know for a fact that he does not have any medical reason to be using it.  I know what he does for a living, he is more that able bodied.  I quickly went down another aisle because I had no idea what to say in this situation if we came face to face.  I never breathed a word of this the next time I saw him and I NEVER said anything to his wife, she would have been mortified.

One thing I have noticed with lark users is that basic societal rules do not apply to them.  They stop smack dab in the middle of the aisle, they never look behind them before they back up and they don't care if you are in front of them they will MOW YOU DOWN AND NOT THINK TWICE ABOUT IT!!!  And when they do hit you they look at you as if you did something wrong.  I speak from experience as I mentioned before this has happened to me 3 times!!  Once at Market Basket and twice at Wal-Mart with several close calls peppered in.  My sister finds this quite funny but I am starting to get annoyed.  I am seriously considering doing my shopping in the comfort of a lark.  If you cant beat 'em, join 'em...I will just tool around the store at 2 miles an hour, throw caution to the wind and knock down everything in my path.  If nothing else it will provide some entertainment value.  Maybe I could shop with a friend and we could race around the store to shop as efficiently as possible all while trying to acquire points....1 point for hitting the potato chip display; 5 points for ramming an unoccupied shopping cart; 10 points for hitting a person and a bonus 50 points if you hit a harried housewife/mother enjoying her only time away from her family.

I survived and did not sustain any real injuries...just pissed that someone that probably is not allowed to drive a car anymore due to lack of basic reflexes can ride around Wal-Mart leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Or, even more scary this Mario Andretti of the Lark 500 does his shopping and then goes out, gets in his Buick and drives the same roads I travel on in my minivan with my kids.  I think in addition to the DCF satellite office their should be a RMV kiosk as well...

On a happier note...Anna was shamed into using a big girl cup at bedtime!! So like I said, we were at Wal-Mart to get some bottles.  We went to the infant section and were looking at the bottles.  Well, there was another mom their with her infant.  I could see the wheels turning in Anna's head.  She said, "this is for babies"...wanting to capitalize on this opportunity and not being above shaming my child into societal norms...I said, yeah, we need to get you a new BABY bottle, what color BABY bottle do you want?  Do you want a big BABY bottle or a little BABY bottle for bedtime.  She said she was a big girl and wanted a big girl cup.  So we went over, she picked out a couple and promised to use it at bedtime.  That night without missing a beat she took her new cup to bed with her.  Took one sip, put it down, rolled over and fell asleep.  She did that the next night too.  Tonight is night #3... I think if she does it tonight it is a new pattern and we are in the clear.

So I guess it is true...all is well that ends well...