Thursday, December 27, 2012

There's a plague upon us...and mind your own business!

It is a medical miracle that Anna has, up until this point, not succumbed to the plague.  You see Anna is perpetually conducting a scientific experiment to see how far a human being can push the limits of cleanliness.  Or, in her case, lack of cleanliness.  In what would seemingly be an impossibility Anna comes out of the tub DIRTIER than when she went in.  When she washes her hands I make her use a  nail brush, not in preparation for a manicure...nope, it is because after a day of Anna being Anna her hands look as if she had been toiling in a coal mine for a 24 hour shift.  I don't know what she gets in to.  Sara's hands have never been that dirty.  Ever!  But, I need to keep in mind this is the child that just the other day admitted to having, on occasion, picked her nose with her toes.  It is not uncommon to see Anna walk by, going about her daily activities sans pants. No reason given.  She is the master of passing gas and instinctively blames it on someone else with a completely straight face.  She is the queen of pooping her pants and continuing to play while sitting in her own filth.  Today Chuck wondered out loud if Anna had contracted leprosy.  He was getting her out of the car and had to wait, she was peeling a layer of her fingernail off.  Yup, that is about right.   I have never put much thought into putting my children on a reality show, but, if I had to guess which show may be appropriate for one of my offspring I would place the smart money on "Monsters Inside Me" on Animal Planet.  It profiles real people that are infected with all sorts of crazy parasites, bacteria, etc.  I see an upcoming episode featuring Annie and a rare form of Leishmaniasis. 

Poor Anna has been sick since Christmas Eve.  She was fine all day.  Late in the afternoon she was crying at the drop of a hat.  I just thought she was overwhelmed with the festivities and didn't give it much thought.  We head out to a family holiday party and 10 minutes in she get sick eyes.  She is freezing and asks if she can go home and go to bed.  We make a quick exit.  I feel bad for Anna, but I also feel bad for exposing all the other kids at the start of school vacation.  Had I known she was sick I would never have brought her....I swear I am not THAT parent...you know the one that always brings their snot nose kid without giving anyone a heads up beforehand and inevitably your kid gets sick 2 days later.  So to anyone that was at the party...I am so sorry!!  She didn't show any symptoms until after we arrived!!

Since then we have all been playing musical beds...trying to maximize the amount of family members who get sleep.  Christmas Eve Anna slept in bed with Chuck and I took the bottom bunk in the girl's room.  Anna was coughing so much it was difficult for Sara to fall asleep.  So Chuck and Anna had a sleepless night.  Sara was up every 20 minutes asking if Santa had come yet, the fish tank light shines brighter than the northern lights so in between her waking up I had perpetual sunlight shining in my eyes.  Christmas night Sara slept in my bed, Anna in hers and Chuck on the couch.  That was the best combo.  The girls did fine and Chuck and I each got a solid 5 hours.  More than we have had in a long time.  Last night Anna wanted a turn to sleep in my bed with me, Sara was on her top bunk and Chuck started out in the bottom bunk.  When all was said and done I ditched Anna and went into her bed, Chuck then went out on the couch.  Anna threw a fit and wanted to sleep on the couch, so Chuck went into our bed and I ended up on the floor next to Anna and the couch.  Did you follow that?  Once we get Anna's cough under control musical beds is over and everyone will be back where they belong.

Anna has been fever free for over 24 hours so we ventured out into the world today.  It is the only day during Chuck's time off that we had no plans.  We wanted to have a fun family day.  Of course the weather was a disaster but that didn't stop us.  Like I said, Anna was fever free BUT...if you happen to be at the Bertucci's in Norwood, The Bass Pro Shop or Berry Yogurt at Patriot Place you may want to bring some Purell. We had a great time until we came across a jerk at the Bass Pro Shop.  Yes my friends, I said it...a JERK!  And the answer is no... for those of you that may be wondering if I had a run in with a hunter.  It happened in the most benign area of the store.  The time share kiosk!  We were having a great time climbing through the ice fishing tents, sitting on the tractors, checking out  the stuffed wildlife and looking at the fish and turtles.  Then we met her.  The jerk.  She handed us something to fill out so we could enter to win $25,000.  So there we are filling out forms when she blindsides us with her a$$sholeishness.  That may not *technically* be a word, but it suits her just fine.  Sara has decided that she doesn't want to dress like a little girl anymore.  She wants to dress like a big girl.  To her that means jeans, long sleeve t-shirts and sparkly hooded sweatshirts and boots.  Nothing pushing the envelope there.  She does however like to wear eye shadow or lipstick.  I don't allow this all the time but sometimes I do give in...Rule #1 of being a parent...PICK YOUR BATTLES!!  If a tiny bit of teal eye shadow is going to help Sara through the day then from time to time I am going to allow it.  Sara is a sweet, extremely bright, kind child.  She is also a very anxious child.   If there is a big, anxiety provoking event coming up she feels much calmer if she has a little lipstick on.  Makeup has become like a security blanket for her.  Not exactly what I would want for her as a go-to esteem booster, but you know what?...it works for her and it enables her to face some situations that in the past she would just avoid, making it unpleasant for the whole family.  As her mother I have the final say as to how she is raised.  It is not like I am dressing her in slutty clothes and pimping her out or putting fake eye lashes on her and adding hair extensions because I don't think she looks good enough.  I am letting my little girl dust a little shadow on her eyes.  OK, that being said, here is what happened....I am filling out the form and this girl who looks to be about 20-23 years old says, "oh my God does she have makeup on?....I didn't see if before until she blinked".  I said, yeah, she wanted a little that matched her sweater.  This time share girls goes on and on...saying things like..."you are her mother and you let her wear make-up?...how old is she?...she shouldn't wear makeup this young....she will be crazy as a teenager if you let her get away with stuff like this...she is too cute to wear that stuff...my nieces and nephews would never be allowed to do that..."  she is going on and on.  Sara is starting to feel real uncomfortable at this point.  Thanks random strange Bitch!  You are  undoing all the hard work I have put into Sara over coming her social anxieties.  I have seen some questionable parenting choices in my time.  If the child is not physically being hurt or severely emotionally hurt in my presence I keep it to myself and might make a comment later to someone.  There have been 2 occasions when I have seen parents smack their kids in the face and I have said something.  But, who am I to tell another parent their child really should have a coat on in the rain?  Maybe they just spent 40 minutes trying to get the kid to put one on and finally decided to just go out anyone hoping the child will learn to wear a coat next time.  If a parent lets their kid eat 2 happy meals at McDonald's not my place to say anything.  If someone gives their kid coffee at Dunkin Donuts there is nothing I can do about it.  I can only do what is right for my children and hope that other parents have the best interest of their children in mind when choosing how to parent them.  So back to this jerk...she keeps going on and on.  I seriously started to look around for John Quinoes.  I was thinking I HAD to be on the hidden camera show, "What would you do?".  Nope....she was just a straight jackass.  I wanted so bad to say something..to tell her off and explain to her that yes, just like you I was an awesome parent before I actually had children.  That I had all the answers and I was going to have perfect children and always say the right thing.  But then I HAD children and I realized that every day brings a new challenge...some you would never begin to anticipate so until you walk in someone's shoes you should keep your comments to yourself (or at least until I walk away and say them behind my back)...but I didn't say any of that because Sara was with me and she is still traumatized from the spirited "disagreement" I had with the cashier at the big Wal-Mart.   She still gets nervous when we go there...she reminds me that I yelled at the guy we were never going to shop there again.  So I walked away leaving poor Chuck to listen to her whole time share presentation. Since we left there Sara has asked me 3 times what that lady said and why she said it.  I was honest and told her she was mean.  Sara asked why and I told her that she wasn't happy with her life so she wanted to make everyone around her unhappy too.  I told Sara that we don't need to listen to unhappy people that what they say isn't important.  After I write this blog I am going to email the manager at the Bass Pro Shop and tell them they need to reign her in.  If I ever voiced my personal opinions at work I would be out of a job so fast.  Not that I want her to lose her job, but just stick to selling time shares and leave the parenting to the parents.  Thank you.  I will get off of my soap box now....







Saturday, December 22, 2012

He's Making a list...she's calling his bluff...

It's Christmas time.  That magical time of year when parents can just mail it in.  All the work is done for them...you've got Santa to do all your dirty work.  Kids are fighting?... "Santa's watching"...kids are not cooperating?..."Do I need to call Santa?"   Now, with the whole Elf on the Shelf phenomenon it has made my job that much easier.  From Thanksgiving when our Elf "Buttery" arrives until Christmas all I need to do is glance over at the elf and they shape right up.  If I do need to bring in the big guns I call the big guy himself...I am very fortunate in that I have his direct phone number...I call, put him on speaker phone and he sets the girls straight real quick.  Last year the idea of "Santa watching" actually lasted until about Valentine's Day.  He saw the girls engage in less than "nice" behavior and sent them a letter reminding them he was still watching.  Once they had enough of Santa low and behold, the Easter Bunny is starting to get his basket's together.  Good news for me, not so good for the kids...now they have to be on their best behavior if they have any hopes of getting candy...

I recently became aware of people that are not into the whole Elf on a Shelf  thing...not because they are creepy looking and make the kids nervous, but because they don't like the idea of "threatening" their kids into good behavior.  Hmmm...I must be a sh*tty mom because I kind of base my whole parenting philosophy around that in the winter and spring months.  I put in hard work all summer and fall...teaching them the all important life lessons of why you should "be good for goodness sake" and not because you are afraid you won't get something sweet out of the deal in return.  I deserve to cruise through a few months out of the year.  I am not sure, but, these may be the same kind of parents that believe  score should not be kept in soccer and that running races and the like should not be allowed on the playground lest some child learn the horrible life lesson of adversity.  I am just going to say it...when I play a board game with my kids whoever wins fair and square is the winner, I don't let them win on purpose just because I am 35 years older than them...But once again, I digress...

 Back to Santa as a parenting tool...Santa sent my girls computer messages.  Sara watched hers while holding her breath.  Of course, Sara, the girl who always follows the rules to a fault made it on the nice list.  You could literally see her relax once she learned her fate.  Anna on the other hand, watched but not as intently.  It was as if she had some insight into Santa's thought process.  Turns out she made the nice list, but barely.  Santa told her she still had a few things to work on if she wanted to stay on the nice list and not cross over to the dark side.  I can't tell if Sara was terrified or in her glory that her younger sibling may have done something to anger Jolly Old St. Nick.  Sara says, "does this mean Anna isn't going to get any toys?"  I explain to the both of them  right now she is safe, but, Anna really needs to work hard the next couple of days to stay on Santa's good side.  Anna looks at me and asks, "so I might wake up and not have any toys?"  To which I answer, "It could happen...if you aren't really good the next few days you might end up on the naughty list."  Now, I know I should never make a promise I am not prepared to keep...but, technically this was Santa's promise.   She looks me straight in the eye and says, "that's OK...I don't want any new toys...I have enough already."
 That little bugga just called Santa's bluff!!!  This kid is fearless!  Most kids cringe at the thought of not making it onto the nice list.  Nope, not Anna...in her defense she is totally committed to her laziness.  It is just too much work being good.  I guess she feels the reward is not worth the investment.  In a way I admire her dedication.  As some of my Facebook friends know, we recently discovered a snack wrapper burial ground behind the couch.  Based on the evidence we knew Anna was the culprit.  She is the only one in the house that eats fruit snacks and drinks smoothies.  When presented with said evidence she originally denied it, only to cop to it later in the day.  She promised not to dump things behind the couch anymore.  I would check daily and nothing!  Wow, she was listening and following the rules.  Yeah, right!  A few days later I was pulling the curtain back to let some light in and there it was...her new hiding spot...all the wrappers come falling out.  Apparently the 10 foot walk to the trash is too much.  She is "too tired and lazy" to throw things away.  Apparently she is too lazy to even look for a new hiding spot as she is back to her original behind the couch dumping ground.

Knowing Anna like I do, she talks a good game but I knew she would come around.  She has really been stepping up her behavioral efforts lately.  When she sneaks a snack before meal time she is getting one for Sara too...oh how considerate!  The second she pees or poops herself she comes right over, snuggles me telling me I am the best mommy ever and today, she gave me flowers!!  (Granted she pulled them out the Styrofoam from a faux floral decoration, but, it is the thought that counts...right?)

So as of tonight, Saturday 22nd at 8:59 pm Anna is on the nice list.  I have a feeling she will be getting something under the tree on Tuesday...until then, I like millions of parents before me and millions to come after  will be  milking the Elf and Santa for all I can. 


Merry Christmas!!


PS-  A quick, funny Anna story that pretty much sums her up...tonight we were all on the couch watching a movie.  She has her hands and feet under a blanket.  She asks what would happen if she had no fingers or toes.  I told her we would help  get the things she needed for her.  She said, "No!  How would I pick my nose?"  Sara and Chuck laughed but I was horrified...I asked if she really picked her nose with her toes and she said she does.  GROSS!!  I then said, "Anna there is no one like you"..."Yes, mom, people like me" she responded...she is truly one of a kind!!














































Wednesday, December 19, 2012

What the What?

That is what Anna says for something incredible or unbelievable.  That is how I have been feeling since Friday...the day of the unimaginable tragedy in Connecticut.  What the what?  How could something like this happen to beautiful innocent children?  How will the surviving children who witnessed unspeakable sights recover?  How will the parents whose children were murdered go on?  Why would a mother keep so many guns in her home she shared with her troubled child?  The questions go on and on and for many of them there will be no answers.  We will never know.

I have a few draft blog entries I have been working on.  There was one I started before the school shooting.  In it I actually was talking about home schooling...I wrote how I thought it wasn't for me.  The reasons being; 1.)  I am not a hippie parent, 2) that I believe in socializing my kids and having them be part of a societal group 3.) I get sidetracked easily...I would be teaching the girls a science lesson and the phone rings... it would be a good hour into the phone call when I realize I ditched the kids mid experiment and 4.) honestly, I am just way too lazy to home school my kids.  That was BEFORE Sandy Hook.  Since then I have honestly looked up the Home Schooling laws here in my state and I have seriously started thinking about it.  I have even thought about asking some other moms if they wanted in on it so the kids would have a few hand picked classmates.  I thought I had several more years before we needed to worry about school shootings.  But our country has entered a new low...children killed while learning their ABC's.  Sara goes to preschool in the local elementary school.  Four days a week I entrust Sara to her teachers.  As a parent you always worry about your children.  It is part of a parents DNA.  As a former preschool teacher I understand part of a teacher's job is to protect and keep your students safe.  I trust the teachers to keep Sara safe from playground bullies and to protect and build her self confidence and self esteem.  A charge in itself daunting, on top of it they are also responsible for teaching them academics.  It had NEVER crossed my mind that her elementary school teachers may someday have to protect her life from a mad man with an assault rifle.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  Chuck had Monday off and Anna's playgroup is over, we were just going to hang out.  I offered Sara the chance to stay home with us.  I was really hoping she would take me up on it.  She opted for school.  It was gut wrenching seeing her walk out the door.  Chuck took her to school that morning which is just as well because I was on the verge of tears as it was, had I seen the police car parked outside I would have lost it.  Even Chuck, who normally is not very reactionary got choked up.  She needs to go to school, all children do but every parent I spoke to had the same reaction that morning...it has become especially hard letting them go.

All parents have to make decisions for their own children.  Chuck and I have made a conscience decision to not tell Sara about the shooting.  Knowing her baseline anxiety issues combined with her age and developmental level we decided she did not need to know.  It is not that we believe in shielding our children from the world around them. We are quite honest with our kids; they know the proper names for ALL their body parts, they know that sometimes bad things happen, they know that pets and people die, sadly, even children.  But, this, this is just too much.  I have no answers for them this time.  We have not watched the news since Friday.  I have not listened to talk radio either.  I do put the TV on at around 10 p.m. hours after they have gone to bed, just to make sure they don't sneak out and see something they shouldn't.  I sit horrified listening to parents of the murdered children, stories of the teachers that gave their lives for children they have only known for 4 months and just seeing so many people broken hearted.  Anderson Cooper started to cry during one of his reports.   It was just too much for me.  I put on Jimmy Kimmel for a break from the unbearable sadness.  He came on and during his live monologue he started to cry.  He is a comedian.  He is supposed to be light hearted and make people laugh.  Even he is just so upset by this.  This tragedy has cut straight to the core of so many people on so many levels.  Something has to be done. I am not going to get into a debate about gun control legislation or the treatment of the mentally ill in this country.  I have my opinions on those issues, but no real answers...

But here is what I DO know...due to some hard life lessons and working in pediatrics for 13 years, many of those years in an ER and most recently an intensive care unit, I do know tomorrow is promised to no one.  I have seen far too many lives forever changed in an instant.  Many people may think seeing some of the tragic things I have seen over the years is a curse.  I like to think of it as a blessing.  It has made me a better parent.  I know that I don't get a second chance with my kid's childhood. I try to make it count now, today.  I put a joke in Sara's lunchbox everyday, it is a pain in the neck, but I want her to know that I am thinking about her even when we are not together.  Thanks to my friend Dawn I do "play, chores, play" with the girls.  20 minutes to play, 20 minutes of chores and then back to playing.  I don't want them to think back on their childhood and remember me always cleaning the house and not playing with them.  I watch all their "shows" they put on for us, I read to them every night before bed, and I always, ALWAYS put them, their well being and happiness before my own.  Life with children can and does get crazy and at times you get bogged down in the minutia of the day to day but I want my children to find the positive in every day.  To that end every night at dinner we all go around the table and talk about the favorite part of our day.  The girls love this, especially Anna...many nights I haven't completely sat down and she is asking about all of our days.  It is not always unicorns and sunshine in our house but literally at the end of the day I want them to know how much I love them.  I tell them both how much I love them and I always say, "with all the children in the world I have the best two...I am so lucky to be your mommy".  I have done this long before Sandy Hook and I will continue to do it for as long as they let me...and even after when they will need to hear it the most.   Remember after 9/11 how the entire country was so nice and friendly?  People would let you merge on the highway, wouldn't complain how long they were waiting in a line...stuff like that.  The country was a kinder, gentler place.  It lasted about a month or two and then faded away.  Everyone has been saying how they are hugging their kids tighter...that is wonderful.  I think the best way to honor those poor babies that were murdered and their heartbroken parents that can never hug their children again is to continue to hold them tight and tell them how much you love them and don't stop in a month or two...but do it every chance you get!!  That is really honoring their legacy...not posting a poem on Facebook about how the children killed in the shooting are on a "field trip"... as a parent I found that offensive.  A field trip implies a special day trip, something they will return from at the end of the day.  These children are dead, they are not just at the zoo or museum...they are not coming back...sorry, my blog, my opinions.  So if you are a parent or have children in your lives in any capacity, or anyone loved one for that matter, take the time and do right by them.. EVERYDAY!!...you may not have a chance to make it up to them tomorrow.

I am not a perfect parent.  Chuck is not a perfect parent, but, I am so grateful that he is a very hands on, present father invested in parenting his girls.  Chuck and I were just talking about this recently.  About 80% of the time I am a really good mom.  20% not so much.  But I am working at changing that stat.  In my blog I go on and on about my kids, their crazy antics and how more often than not they drive me nuts but I have gone on record with this before...my hardest, longest, most challenging day as a mother is a 100 times better than my greatest day before I had children...

Monday, December 10, 2012

This is the WORST time of the year....and other mutterings heard lately

So the other night Sara declares that it is the worst time of the year.  I was asking why?   I honestly had no idea what she was getting at.  Chuck had her pegged instantly!  He says, "oh is it because you have to be good EVERY day until Christmas?"...yeah she says.   I guess that is just WAY to much for her to commit to.  Here are some other gems from the past few days...


*  Sara is really into rhyming lately.  She makes up little rhymes day and night.  The other day in the car she is really into it.  She was singing some song  she was making up as she went along.   Somehow the word "poor" comes up in her little diddy.  She then came up with poor, sore.  She continued to work out other words that rhymed with poor and sore and this is what she came up with "a poor, sore whore"...she went on and on singing this in all sorts of voices...low, high-pitched, ballad-like and even country and pop versions.  I literally had to bit my lip!!  It was flippin HYSTERICAL!!!

*  We are in the bathroom and I was cleaning a poop accident.  Though I really should not technically call it an accident since Anna knew full well what she was doing as she popped a squat in the corner....but back to the story...I was grumbling about how I really don't like changing poopy pants and Anna says I should like it...her "poop smells like a rainbow."  I am going to categorically disagree with her on that one.

*  Anna and the truth really are not friends.  Lately she lies...About anything...All the time...To our faces.  She had light pink pants on the other day.  She walks away and I notice the butt is bright pink.  Irrefutable evidence of having peed her pants.  I asked her if she peed.  She looked me right in the eye and said No.  I asked her if she were sure she didn't pee herself.  She says no and asks me if I want to feel her undies.  Sure enough, my eyes had not deceived me.  They were wet. I told her that I know she just told me a lie.  I asked her why she lied to me...she walked away shrugging and rolling her eyes.  She has no conscience.  Isn't that one of the criteria on the sociopath check list?  Just thinking out loud here but maybe I should consider locking the cats up....

*  Sara has been poking herself in the eye for about 2 years.  Every day.  Multiple times.  Lately she has also complained of her eyes hurting and watering.  I do the responsible thing and take her to the eye doctor.  5 of her 7 cousins have glasses and got them when they were young.  We talked to her about maybe having to get glasses.  Turns out her eyes are fine.  WHEW!!  Or at least you would think it was a relief.  NOPE!!  Sara was crying the whole way home because she can't get glasses...yelling at me "you never let me get anything I want."...like it is my fault she has good eyesight.  I guess I am a sh*tty mom for passing down good ocular genes.  A few days later she took her birthday money and bought herself some fashion glasses from Clares.

"It is OK if I pee on my raincoat.  Pee is kind of like rain..."  UMMM, no not really.  Name withheld to protect the innocent.

And last but not least...a knock knock joke from Anna....

Anna:  Mommy, Knock, Knock!

Me:  Who's there?

Anna:  I love you!!!

OK...she just bought herself a few more days....

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The 40 year old mom

So it is official.  I am now 40 years old.  I have not been looking forward to this day at all.  And of course my kids help me ring in the new decade as only they can.  Anna decides last night that she is going to get in on the act.  She is going to start having night terrors and start sleep walking.  She had a night terror that lasted over an hour.  She was running all over the house, screaming and crying.  It was so sad.  But know what is even more heartbreaking?  Sara ended up sleeping with Chuck in our bed, Anna finally settled in on the couch at around 2:30 a.m. and I ended up falling asleep on the living room floor.  What a way to ring in the new decade!!

I know that everyone says, "40 is the new 20"..."40 is Fabulous"...etc...etc.  I know deep down that is all true but I can't get out of my head the idea that IF I live until 80 my life is half over.  If I don't make it to 80 my life is MORE than half over.  YUCK!!  In an effort to improve my odds I have been trying to get healthier...I did not quite make my quest of "40 by 40"...meaning losing 40 pounds by my 40th birthday but I did take a big bite out of that by losing 27 pounds!  Yay me!  Honestly, I don't think I look 40 and I don't feel like I act 40.   I still remember my sister throwing me a surprise 13th birthday party.  I can not get over the fact that was 27 years ago!!  It seems like just a few years ago.  Chuck knows that I have been having a really hard time accepting that I am turning the BIG 4-0 so he went to great lengths to help me start this new decade off right. If this past weekend was any indication I think I may just be OK.

So all I knew about the weekend was that we were going away overnight.  That I needed to take a vacation day on Sunday.  That I needed a dress and we were all set with a babysitter.  Other than that I was in the dark.  So last week I had to head out for the dreaded dress shopping excursion.  In an effort to keep my marriage and family together I went shopping alone.  Since I had some mild success at the Dress Barn last spring (the last time I wore a dress was for a wedding...remember that sh*t show?  If you need a refresher read my old blog posts...it is well documented!) I decided to start there.  Are you sitting down?  I found one!  IN RECORD TIME...45 minutes!  I actually found 2 that I could have gone with.  I have never had choices.  I usually just settle for something that doesn't look horrible.  In addition to losing the 27 pounds I have dropped 3 dress sizes since the wedding debacle.  I started Weight Watchers right after that nightmare.  It paid off!  I was able to wear a dress AND be comfortable.  Until this past weekend I never thought those 2 things could be done at the same time.  Huh, who knew? Chuck was shocked, SHOCKED when I came home, before lunch with a dress, shoes and jewelry.  It made for a much more pleasant afternoon than he had anticipated.

So Saturday morning comes, my dad comes and gets the girls and they drive off without a hitch.  Well, kind of...I leaned in to kiss Sara goodbye and she told me "I want to go to Bucka's to sleepover, but I don't want to go in his car, I want you to drive me there instead".  I answered with, "Yup, I know you do...not gonna happen." as I closed the car door and headed in the house and watched them drive away.  FREEDOM!!!!  So we head in town for lunch.  I am told I can pick either Chinese, Mexican or Spanish food.  The Chinese restaurant, though hip and on the waterfront was still Chinese food.  Something I can get anytime.  I do like Mexican but I am kind of particular about it....I am in the small percent of the population that thinks cilantro tastes like dirty dish water.  I want to enjoy my lunch, not have to pick out the small green bits.  I chose Spanish food (and yes my friends, they are 2 completely different things).  We park the car and stroll down Newbury Street.  It was so beautiful...the snow was softly falling and the white Christmas lights were twinkling.  It felt like we were dating!  We go to Tapeo for lunch and enjoy some delicious Sangria and tapas.  It reminded us of our best pre-kids vacation to Barcelona.  The tension and stress of day to day life was wearing off.  We were really starting to relax.  Lunch was done and it was on to the afternoon activity.  Again, I had a couple of things to choose from.  We went with an afternoon movie.  When we were in line for tickets we could not remember the last movie we saw in a theater....together...without kids.  Seriously, we could not remember.  I am sure at some point we did see a movie together but we are still drawing a blank.  We went to see Argo and it was glorious.  The movie was good but I did not have to sit in a contorted position with a leg across the adjacent seat in an attempt to hold it down so one of my girls doesn't collapse inside the seat.  I felt so FREE!!!

After the movie we head to the hotel to check in.  Pretty swanky... complimentary wine throughout the hotel...nice call Chuck!  We get to our room and get ready for dinner.   Me in my dress and Chuck in a jacket and tie!!  Yes, let that sink in for a minute.  Chuck and I consider ourselves amateur foodies (minus the pretentiousness).  We don't go out very often but when we do we do it right.  However, if you take the amount we spend on dinner and average it out over the course of 12 months we still spend less than most couples that go out on a regular basis.  For my birthday Chuck pulled out all the stops and we went to what has to be the fanciest restaurant in all of Boston...L'Espalier.  Let me describe the experience for you...through the eyes of someone that is not so fancy.  First, we open the door to the restaurant and you walk into a little cubby type space.  There a woman greets us with a fancy French accent asking if we had reservations.  We say we do and she instructs us to get into the elevator.  We do.  It takes her a minute to realize we don't know what floor we are going to.  Again, in her accent she tells us.  Up we go.  I do notice a plush chair in the elevator...Chuck comments that rich people get tired easy...they must need to sit on the long 2 floor ride up.  The elevator opens up to an elegant looking man, again with a French accent welcoming us, by name, to the restaurant.  Oh my...I can sense we are in for a treat.  I also sense, though I can not prove, that these two may not have been all that they seemed.  I have this feeling that the accents may not have been authentic.  In my mind I think the lady at the first door was really Carla from Eastie and the elegant man really may have been Sully from Southie and their conversation may have been slightly less elegant.  Please read this with a thick, overly stereotyping Boston accent...Once the elevator door closes  Carla calls up to Sully..."Hey, Sully...it's Cah-lah...just want to tell youz guys up the-air that weeze got two more a-holes comin up for ah-nutha wicked ova-priced dinnah"  Sully responds, "aw, that's fah-kin pissah Car-lah.".  The door opens and Sully greets us with his smooth, "Bonjour Mademoiselle and Monsuier L__________".  Not sure which is true, but my version is more fun.

So we sit down for dinner.  I look around and everyone is very fancy.  There was a gentleman there in a tuxedo.  Now normally if you are out to dinner at say at Bennigans or a Fridays and you see a guy come in with a tux on you automatically think they were in a wedding earlier in the day.  Nope, not here.  I think that is his normal Saturday night attire.  So we decide to go with a tasting menu.  It was about 10 courses of food, none of which I could identify.  You know it is fancy when you are not allowed to choose your own appetizer.  They just bring them to you because they know better.  They bring us these tiny little bits of food on a silver serving tray.  At first I was confused.  I thought that kids were not allowed in this place.  Why did they have Calico Critter food on my plate?  Were my kids hidden in the back making me dinner?  Nope, that was the real size of the food!!  With each course they had someone come out and explain what it was.  Which was not as helpful as you would think...with some of it I was even more confused when they told me what I was eating.  I did feel like I was a judge on Chopped or Iron Chef...I had cardomin ice-cream...lime something another with a champagne veil.  Not sure what it was but Chuck declared it the best champagne veil he has ever had.  We fell into the bread trap...which in their defense is genius.  In between each course they come around with fresh bread so you of course you take it.  I say it is genius because they give you these teeny-tiny portions yet you go home feeling full from all the bread.  It is a win-win...I guess.  One of the courses comes and no word of a lie it is 2 tiny cauliflower florets with 2 pearl onions in a big bowl.  Now at this point I have had 3 glasses of wine (ridiculously over priced wine...if I were to use the same amount of money for those 3 glasses of wine I could have bought 6 bottles of wine in the "real world"!)...so with the wine on board I am about to burst out laughing over my tiny portion, fortunately they came and added 2 ladles of rutabaga soup.  Have no fear my friends, I did not leave hungry...in the next course they gave me 3 halves of brussel sprouts.  Let me do the math for you...that is 1 1/2 brussel sprouts.  No wonder the French are so much thinner than Americans. Don't get me wrong the food was AMAZING and it was a really cool experience and had we won Powerball last week we may have become regulars...we even had a palette cleansing course before the desserts.   Or dessert-ettes I should say.  They were delicious but I would have preferred them to be a tad larger than Japanese Erasers.    The dinner came to an end and we were waiting for the elevator with "Le Sully" when Chuck buttons up his dinner jacket.  The button crumbles under his hand.  Yup, that is about right.  Just when we think we pull off this glamorous night of being the "beautiful people" something comes up and knocks us back to reality. 

So the weekend comes to an end after brunch at the hotel restaurant.  I swear that Captain Sully Sullenberg was 2 tables over from us.  Chuck didn't believe me but when we got home he googled him and now he thinks I was right.  We pick up the kids and head home.  Though we were only gone for a little bit more than 24 hours it felt like days.  Thank you to Chuck for giving me a much needed break from reality.  I LOVED it!!

So back to today...my actual birthday.  Sara and Anna told me that they wanted to do something special with me today for my birthday.  I asked what they were thinking.  They wanted to take me out to lunch at a restaurant.  But then Sara added they had 2 problems with their idea.  #1.  They can't drive and  #2.  They have no money.  So I had to drive and pay for my own birthday lunch.  Again, that seems about right.  Of course they had a special restaurant in mind.  Red Robin!  It is a burger place.  Just the place a vegetarian wants to celebrate a special event.  Of course Sara has an ulterior motive.  She tells me that Red Robin is right next to Claire's and that they have fashion glasses there.  You see Sara got some devastating news last week.  We took her to the eye doctor to see about her eye poking ways and she was told she did NOT need glasses.  She was heartbroken and lets me have it the whole way home..."You never let me get anything I want"... as if it is my "fault" her eye sight is fine.  I know, I am an awful mother...I should have scratched her eye or something before we went in to make her dreams come true.  So she has set her sights (pun intended) on a pair of fashion glasses...so I don't think she really cared about my birthday today...I think it was more of a means to an end.  So once again, despite today being a major and not very welcome milestone in my life...it is not about me.  Yes, I am now 40 years old...but I am a 40 year old MOM...and I guess that is what comes above all else.   Happy Birthday to me!!

Monday, December 3, 2012

At Last...

So I am just going to put it out there...I have a great husband.  I do.  I am not just saying that because he is most likely going to read this or because he just surprised me with an awesome birthday weekend.  I just do.  I waited a long time to find "Mr. Right".  32 years in fact.  But thanks to Dr. Neil Clark Warren I found him.  Yes, that Neil Clark Warren...the eharmony guy.  I remember sitting in a mediocre Italian restaurant on my 30th birthday with my parents, sister and sister-in-law with their kids and thinking...really?  This is really how I am spending my 30th birthday?  This really can't be my life.  This is more the opening of a sad movie.  Then I opened one of my birthday presents and it got worse.  It was a Swifer Wet Jet.  Not that I wasn't grateful for the mop but I thought..."WTF?!  If I am still single next year at this time please just take me out to some field and shoot me...please someone just put me out of my misery."   I took the mop home and spent the next few days contemplating my next move.  I got to thinking...I spent so much time researching what I wanted to do for a career, where I should go to school, where I should rent an apartment even which grocery store is the best, yet, I was leaving the biggest decision up to chance...hoping that some random stranger would sweep me off my feet.  Strangely that never happened.  I was working in a pediatric ER at the time.  Evenings.  3 Weekends a month.  Funny, that was not conducive to a love life.  Obviously my plan was not working.  Time to change things up.

Back to Dr. Warren...I had recently attended a Child Life Conference and he was one of the speakers...something about working effectively with different personalities.  He was a pretty interesting speaker...interesting in that I did not fall asleep while listening to him.  He was hawking his latest book afterwards, "Love the Life You Live".  On a whim I bought one.  Not really into all that self help, touchy feely stuff but the book kind of made sense.  In a nut shell...you are the one in charge of your happiness, or, "hey Erin...get off your ass, stop waiting for your Prince Charming to randomly ring your doorbell...ain't gonna happen so get yourself out there."

I decided to put as much effort into dating as I did every other aspect of my life.  "Don't let life happen to you...happen to life!"  Right Amy?  So I rolled my sleeves up and got down to business.  How at my age was I going to meet someone?  The bar scene was out.  My work schedule allowed me to visit bars on Tuesday afternoons.  Not quite sure but a guy hanging out at a bar on a Tuesday afternoon probably was there on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday afternoons too.  Not a path I wanted to go down.  I have my own issues...don't need an alcoholic on top of them.  Blind dates...been there and did that.  A LOT!!  Funny who people think would be a good match for you.  Turns out if you are single and your friends know someone single that is good enough for them.  I could write a whole post on my blind date debacles...but I will spare you.  Let's just say I think the staff at the Beer Garden in Southie may have thought I was a "working girl".  It was my go-to spot for blind dates.  It was easy, close to where I lived and I didn't have to think about it.  I had so many friends looking out for my love life I had a blind date at least once a week...so I was single-handedly keeping the Garden in business.  They would have been wise to install a revolving door for all the random dates I was meeting there.  Sadly, or luckily for me they all went nowhere.  One or two may have made it to a second date but that was the extent of it.  One guy talked about water the whole time....he was some type of water engineer.  I get it, water is important for the survival of the human race as a whole, but 2 hours in I didn't care if the worst drought in the world was upon us...I would have rather died of dehydration than heard one more fact about water.  Another guy was such a soft talker that I spent the entire time saying, "pardon me?", "excuse me?", "come again?".  Turns out I had agreed to a second date with him without knowing it.  I guess I didn't hear him ask.  They all had some fatal flaw.  Even though 8% of blind dates end in marriage I decided to cut my losses...that I was more likely in the 92% of blind dates that end in misery.

So I went to a Christmas party.  I finally had a Friday night off, had a cute dress on and was having a great time at the party.  It is about 10 pm and the party breaks up.  Most of the revelers head home with their spouses to tend to their children or the ones there with a date head out to continue their fabulous evening.  So here I am at 10:30 on a Friday night, home alone with pretty party hair, party makeup and a decent buzz. What to do, what to do?  I end up online.  I look up my old friend Dr. Neil Clark Warren.  I am going to "Love the Life I Live" if it f*cking kills me!!!  I stumble across his dating service eharmony.com.  Keep in mind this is 8 years ago.  Online dating was still relatively new and still somewhat taboo.  It is what creepy losers do.  Right?  In my tipsy state I sign up and fill out my personality profile.  It took a couple of hours to fill it out and by then my buzz was starting to wear off.  Oh my God!!!  Was I a creepy loser? I didn't think so.  Yeah I was single at 30 years old, but, I thought I was a nice, normal girl that just happened to not have found anyone to spend my life with yet.  That to me was much more acceptable than being a creepy loser.  I was sticking to my rationale instead.  I clicked on "post profile" and left it up to chance....

I woke up the next day, completely sober and didn't immediately remember the previous night's activities.  That was until I opened up my email.  I saw that I had a few matches from eharmony.  Huh?  Oh right!!  I joined last night in my wine fueled feeling sorry for myself fest.  I was going to delete the emails but curiosity got the best of me.  I opened them and my life was about to change.  I jumped in with both feet.  I was going to be serious about this dating thing.  I took it on as if it were a part time job.  I went on a ton of dates via eharmony.  They were all great guys...just no spark.  I was starting to think that Dr. Neil was on to something.  All of the matches made sense and could see why we were matched.  But I just didn't feel that connection I was hoping for.  This went on for about 9 months.  I was either up on Federal Hill or the East Side of Providence at least once a week.  Meanwhile I decided that I needed a bit more of a shakeup in my life.  I felt like things were getting stale.  I decided to move across state lines and take a job in Salem.  I took a short 3 month break from dating while I got my new life in order on the North Shore.  Have no fear though my friends, I only put my online membership on hold....I didn't delete it entirely.

Once I was settled in I was ready to pick up my little sociology experiment.  I went on a few dates within my new geographical range.  It was a nice way to get to see the restaurant scene in my new neighborhood.  Still no one really jumping out at me.  That was all about to change.  It was a Saturday afternoon and I was meeting one of my matches for lunch.  I grabbed some "broken in" jeans (or slightly unwashed if you will) and threw on a sweater.  I didn't put much thought into my outfit.  It was just a first lunch date with a younger guy that I suspected answered all of his questions the way he thought a girl would want them to be answered.  Yeah right, a 29 year old guy who wants a family, a quiet life and to settle down.  MMM, yeah sure.  (Hey just thinking out loud here, I am 3 years older than him.  How much of an age difference does there need to be for me to be considered a cougar?  As of tomorrow I am going to be 40 and he is going to be 36 for about 3 more weeks.  Does that count?)  But for some reason I was intrigued by his profile.  Plus, it was just a quick bite to eat.  I had to go grocery shopping because the next day I was hosting my annual "Lonely Hearts Club Un-Valentine's Day Party".  I pull up a few blocks from the restaurant (online dating tip...don't park where the potential suitor can see your car...you don't want them knowing your car just in case they turn out to be a stalker...you're welcome).  I head into the restaurant and see this guy sitting down in the lobby.  He stands up and smiles at me and I am done.  Chuck has this beautiful warm smile that lights up a room.  One look at it and I was smitten.  I am not saying it was love at first sight.  I personally think love is something that grows over time, but I knew this was going to be something different.

We had an awful lunch of fried pickles, but it didn't matter.  We continued our date walking all through downtown Salem just talking and laughing.  It was a good 5 hours before I remembered I needed to get to the grocery store for what I now knew was going to be my final Un-Valentine's day bash.  I remember getting in my car and calling my sister in law to tell her my good news, that I met the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  She told me and I quote, "yeah, don't get your hopes up".  I showed her!!  So we started spending a lot of time together and eventually I stayed over his place for the first time.  I didn't know it then but turns out my future husband has a sleepwalking problem.  I remember being at his place in a sound sleep when all of the sudden he stands up in the bed and walks over me.  Literally steps on my stomach and keeps walking.  I am thinking, "Friggin serves you right Erin, you meet a guy online of course he is going to murder you."  Thankfully he did not kill me that night and we eventually we went on to get married and have two beautiful little girls that you all hear about all the time.  Oh, and he was completely honest in his profile...he really did want all the same things I did.

I kind of joke that I got Chuck on sale.  I purchased the 9 month package from eharmony...worked out to $19.99 a month.  Chuck only joined for a month at $59.00.  Even still I think he got a bargain with me!!  Ha- Ha...I am sure as he reads this he is making a comment in his head about a "bargain basement" or something similar.  If it were not for Dr. Neil Clark Warren invited to speak at the Child Life Council Conference all those years ago you may not be reading this blog right now.  I may have remained a "Lonesome Loser" forever.  Not that single people are Lonesome Losers..that is a reference to a song my sister wanted to play for me at her wedding.  Thanks Jen!  Since joining eharmony over 8 years ago I personally know of 10 relationships  still going strong that have started as a result of online dating.  Some of them a direct result of seeing the success Chuck and I had.  So I guess I was a forward thinker of my time.  A pioneer if you will.  I think that may just qualify me for a Nobel Prize.  I will keep my eyes peeled for my prize notification.