Sunday, November 30, 2014

I Believe...

Since I am blessed with so much free time, yeah right...I waste most of it analyzing my life.  Here are some truths I have come to wholeheartedly believe;

*  I believe that our cat Lucy is an A-hole with a capital A.  If I had not instilled in my kids that when you take a pet into your home it is forever, she would have been gone long ago.  Did you know house cats can live upwards of 20 years...Lucy is only about 8.  Awesome!

*  I believe we have failed Emily as parents.  At 14 months old she knows how to turn on the ipad, find Youtube and watch Peppa Pig.  Yet she struggles with her shape sorter.  McDonalds is always hiring I guess.

*  I believe Common Core math is the downfall of the American educational system.  After the struggles we have had with Sara and her 1st grade homework it may even become the final straw in her seeking emancipation from us.

*  I believe my recent prescription for a low dose sleep medication quite possibly saved my life.  I know for an absolute fact it kept my family from being the next topic of discussion on the Nancy Grace show.

*  I believe once Emily hits school we are going to be spending a lot of time in the principal's office.  She is unbearably cute but man is she a terror!  I already picture her sitting at her little school desk with her chair leaned back, feet on the desk, cracking all the students up with her fake burping sounds.

*  I believe I am pregnant.  Every month.  Dr. Romeo G., the jackass that botched my c-section is the same ass clown that performed my tubal ligation.  Did you know 5 out of every 1,000 tubals fail?  I am not liking those odds.

*  I believe that if Anderson Cooper and I ever met we would be BFF's.  I know he comes from untold fame and fortune, I mean he is a Vanderbilt after all...and I am just a regular, everyday housewife but he would get me.  Really get me and my sense of humor.  Come on Coop...give me a call so we can hang out!

*  I believe that the Dollar Tree should preemptively supply a needle and thread with their stuffed animals.  Anna loves to get one when we are there.   Within an hour of getting it home I have to go all Doc McStuffins on them and sew up a pulled apart seam.

*  I believe that despite being told all through my formative years that I can do anything I set my mind too, I really can't.   I need to give up the idea that I can be my own hairdresser.  I have tried countless times to color my own hair and guess what?  Every time it is a MAJOR fail.  The dark black hair I am sporting right now is exhibit A.  It was supposed to be "medium warm brown".

*   I believe that no matter how hard one tries, you can never, under any circumstance look cool driving a minivan. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

It is.  Really.  From mid October thru Mid January is when I do some of my best parenting.  Why you ask, is my best parenting done during the fall and winter months?  Oh that is easy.  Threats abound.  Starting around October 15th, sometimes a few days earlier depending on the enthusiasm of my children I can start in with the whole, "well if you want to go Trick or Treating then you need to blank."  Blank can be clean your room, pick up the crafts, be nice to your sister...the list is endless really.

 October 31st comes and goes and then it is November 1st.  Have no fear my epic parenting is in full effect!  Because all I have to do is mention the elf.  Now technically our Elf on the Shelf does not come to stay with us until the day after Thanksgiving, but, just the mere mention of his name gets the kids back on the straight and narrow.  This year the girls have been really testing my patience.  Granted they have all been sick for over a month now, but still, there are some house rules that need to be followed regardless of the germ factor.  So in an effort to get them back on track I casually mentioned that there is a shortage of elves this year and they are being particularly selective in which families they go to visit. I told them how I saw on the news that very morning that since there were not enough elves for all the children they were only going to homes where the children were on their best behavior, they kept their rooms clean and who were nice to their moms.  Sara, my skeptic, did not believe me and wanted me to call her Auntie Jen.  I picked up the phone and dialed...Sara insisted I put it on speaker phone before she answered, lest I let my sister in on the deceit.  I told her Sara did not believe me about the elf shortage I heard about on the news.  My sister, who has executed similar lies in the past said not only did she see in on the news, she got an alert on her iphone the night before.  Well played Jen, well played.  As soon as I hung up Sara put her books away that had been lying on the floor for a few days.  It isn't Thanksgiving yet so I still have some time to keep up this charade until Buttery, our elf appears.  I really think the local TV stations should put together some phony PSA's about this elf shortage.  They seriously would be doing such a great community service for their viewers.  I would even pay one of the local anchors to make one...hint, hint

Once the elf is here it is smooth sailing until Christmas.  If the kids misbehave all I have to do is glance Buttery's way and they snap right back into doing the right thing. Santa comes and brings the girls their presents and that is all well and good, but it doesn't end there.  Santa has 2 weeks to come and take their stuff back if they are acting like turds.  So now you can see why for me it is...the most wonderful time of the year!! 

Now, thankfully my kids know that I am not going to write a check I am not willing to cash.  Once, several years ago we were at Friendly's and they acted up as soon as we sat down.  Well, no sooner did I scoop them up and leave without so much as a sip of their drinks.  If they were going to act like heathens then no special lunch for them.  Ever since then I have been able to take them to any restaurant and they have the best restaurant manners around.  Just last summer they were told they needed to clean their room by noon time on Labor Day if they wanted to go to the Duck event they look forward to all year.  They had a good 3 day lead time on that one.  The clock ticked down and they didn't get it done.  Guess what?  No duck race.  They were devastated to learn they needed to wait an entire year for it to come around again.  Yeah, it sucked for me because I love the duck race also, but, it bought me a little insurance if you will...they know I mean business and I mean what I say.  It is just nice to have some helpers from time to time...aka; Buttery the Elf, Santa and the Easter Bunny.

I have heard parents say they are not going to do the Elf because they don't want to "threaten" their kids as a parenting technique.  To that I say; their kids must still be too young to have discovered free will.  Once they realize they are truly in control of what they do there is no going back.  All bets are off and parenting becomes like a Darwinian experiment...survival of the fittest.  I am older and stronger so I am going to prevail...even if I have to play psychological mind games with my offspring.

 Now, I am all about teaching my kids to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing...but that is what the other 8 months out of the year are for.  I like to think of this as my little parental vacation.  I spend so much time and energy in trying to be a good mom, role modeling for them that I feel I deserve to coast for a few months out of the year.  Oh, and I get a little break in the spring too.  Thank God for the Easter bunny.  He gives me a 2 week reprieve leading up to his arrival. 

So if you hear me humming to myself about it being "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"  you will know it really has nothing to do with the birth of baby Jesus but everything to do with me and my quality Holiday parenting.  Oh and don't forget...Santa's watching!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Augmentin...not just for ear infections anymore!!

Totally throwing in the towel.  I have completely given up on trying to anything close to "parenting" today.  I just gave my 13 month old a Kit-Kat for breakfast.  For my foreign blog followers that is a chocolate covered cookie. 

 All 3 of my girls are sick.  All 3 have croup so they have been coughing all night to the point of puking.  Gotta love changing phlegm filled sheets at midnight, 2 AND 3 a.m. Sara has a fever, that is awesome because she is so even keeled baseline, yeah right, throw in a fever and... we have Cybil. 

 Anna is weepy and crying over EVERYTHING.  She has spilled her cereal on the couch twice already...both times completely devastating.  

My lower back has been teetering on the edge of breaking for several days now.  My back finally gave out picking Em up as she tried to crawl off the bed.  Took 4 Tylenol and 1 Advil...can at least move now.

As I was making breakfast Anna gave Em the tissue box "because she wanted it" and she pulled out all the tissues and shredded them on the floor.

Gave Em one of these egg muffin cups I made for my Weight Watchers challenge I am doing, she seemed to love it up until she didn't...then puked it all up on her highchair tray.  

It is only 6:35.  Though it feels like midday since I have been up since midnight.  But that's ok.  Really, it is.  You see I am really, really close to breaking the world record for surviving on the least amount of sleep ever.  Since I gave Emily, still technically an infant, candy for breakfast I may be out of the running for "Mother of the Year 2014"...the complete lack of sleep may be the only accolade I receive this year.  I am a little sad, I was pretty sure I had a decent shot at that Mother of the Year trophy.  Oh well, there is always 2015.

On top of croup Emily has an ear infection.  I am just going to say flat out sucks trying to give a strong willed baby medicine when you have no back muscles to actually hold said baby in any kind of productive way.  I did however realize that in a pinch dried Augmentin can be used to patch drywall.  When that sh*t dries it is like flippin cement.  I know this because with each dose I give about half of it ends up on my clothes, the couch or Emily's face.  It is a bitch to try and get off once it sets in.  

Another valuable lesson I have learned; having a snot-nosed toddler is a very slippery slope to full on white trash.  The girls and I have made that transition with ease.  If Maury and Jerry Springer were out for a walk together and they happened upon my house they would have a knock-down drag out to have us as an exclusive.  Now, fortunately I do know who the father of my children is so I have that going for me, beyond that the girls and I could very easily replace Mama June and her disgusting brood without anyone noticing.  The house is beyond messy.  It is bordering on squalor.  Every craft supply we have is strewn across the floor in the kitchen.  Emily loves to take the cat's dry food and add it to their water bowl, she is convinced they like this sloppy stew she makes for them.  They do not.  The dishes are piled up and if I don't get a burst of energy and actually load the dishwasher it is looking like the kids will be drinking their milk out of Tupperware bowls at lunch time.  I could always play that one off to having a "Turn a Round Tuesday"  where we do everything silly and different.  Huh, like that one?  I am good when forced into a sleep deprived corner.  There are toys everywhere.  I also walked in the kitchen and heard a crack.  I stepped on a plastic spoon.  Turns out there is a whole box of plastic spoons flung around the floor.  Yeah, that's about right. The couch no longer has cushions on it, obviously.  There are cracker crumbs ground into any open floor surface.   If DCF were to show up at my door I am sure the media would be alerted and you would see us on the 6 o'clock news dubbed the next "House of Horrors".  Victoria, I will give you the exclusive rights to the story. 

The baby's face is constantly covered in snot.  I have tried keeping up with it but it is like trying to tame Niagara Falls with a fishing net.  Really, what's the point?  Oh and get this...Emily has amazing timing with meeting her developmental milestones.  Just this weekend she figured out her finger fits perfectly inside her nose!  Yay! (that was said in a quiet, sarcastic voice with my hands half halfheartedly raised)  So now in addition to blowing snot bubbles she lovingly picks stuff out and gets so excited to share her treasures with whomever is the closest to her.  I swear Sara is this close to having an aneurism from seeing Emily constantly digging for gold.  So every now and then Em's nose does take a break and that is fun.  It crusts over and then I have the privilege only mommies get of picking someone else's nose.  I do try to wipe her face clean from time to time, the boogers act like crazy glue so her face is constantly covered with lint, cat hair and just general household grime...but whenever she sees the cloth coming she breaks into what I like to refer to as "the Matrix mode"...she can twist, turn and contort her little 20 pound body in ways that defy all laws of physics. Emily just crawled into the kitchen with a wad of cat hair stuck to her hand...I can only imagine how that went down...patting the cat saying "Niii" (that is how she says nice) and the cat more than likely tried to escape but the cat had no real snot is a formidable opponent...the cat ran and the fur stayed.  Poor kitty.  Oh, great news!!  the antibiotic Emily is on will give her diarrhea...her pedi told me so.  Isn't that fantastic?  Looking forward to that!   I was thinking of jumping on the whole Ebola freakout bandwagon and picking up some Tyvek suits from Home Depot.  Maybe that way I have a fighting chance of not getting covered in baby snot again today.  But then I figured, meh who cares?  I will just add my crusted over sweats to the 30 other loads of gross laundry we already have.. 

Anna just asked me for a snack and wanted Halloween candy.  I said, sure, whatever you want.  She said, "mom it IS still kind of morning."  Yeah, I know...I am just too tired to be a good mom today.  She looked at me kind of confused, the look was only fleeting as she ran to the candy bowl and loaded up on Smarties and Peanut Butter cups.

I have given up.  I do blame it on my kids.  Seriously, they are kind of little sh*ts...they could have staggered their illnesses, maybe one a week overlapping at the most 2 kids for no more than 12 hours.  They have been doing that for the past 2 months and I have been keeping up.  All 3 at once?  UGH!!!  I am thinking I must have been jack the Ripper in a previous life.  Honestly, why else would I be punished like this?  I love Emily more than life itself, however, having a child at 40 sounded like a good idea...when it was a hypothetical.  I am going to be 42 in a few weeks.  I am too old for this crap!!!