So here we are, sitting at home, isolated due to a global pandemic. That sounds like a funny way I would have started a blog post in the past. Unfortunately as everyone knows that sadly is the truth. About a month ago a few of us were chatting at the bus stop. One of the moms told us a family member told her to stock up on food and essential supplies as we were heading into uncharted waters. I laughed at the idea and thought it was overkill. Joke was on me because here we are, stuck in home, limiting our trips to the store, only going when absolutely necessary.
Some women are made to be a stay at home mom and I think that is great. I always knew working outside of the home made me a better mom. I love my children fiercely but this home confinement has confirmed what I always knew; if I were an animal of lesser intelligence such as a hamster, I would eat my young.
In the beginning I was like all the other ambitious parents that printed off a Covid 19 Daily schedule. We were going to stay on top of the kid's school work, stay engaged and really make the most of this extra, bonus family time. Didn't last long. In fact, the other night I sat alone in my car, in a parking lot for over an hour because I was afraid if I stayed in my house one minute longer someone would die. I honestly want to throat punch people posting about all the baking they are doing so their children can use their emerging math skills, going on a nature hike to learn about local flora and fauna or how they are having these cozy family game nights where everyone is getting along and sharing their feelings. I'll let you in on a little secret; it is like the Goddamned Lord of the Flies over here at the Lavallees. The first day or two they were into doing some school work, or so they thought. Sara (12) would spend the first 47 minutes complaining that Emily (6) should be doing more than just coloring sheets, that even though in Kindergarten she should be doing real work. The other 3 minutes she would text me complaining that I liked the other 2 more than her. Emily would happily work on her packet, singing and humming while getting death glares from Anna. The same Anna that claimed to be doing work in Google Classroom, but, since she was sitting on the couch in the living room, with a decorative mirror above her I could clearly see she was watching Youtube videos instead. Once they caught on that these assignments were optional and none of it would be graded I lost all control. The amount of protesting, screaming, crying and carrying on wasn't worth it anymore. Now I know some of you are thinking; For God's Sake Erin, you are the parent. You are in charge. They shouldn't dictate what goes on in the house. Normally I would agree but this time I just gave up. I did, I threw in the towel. It all is too much. All of it. The gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks last week. Our amazing school teachers put together a teacher parade. We were all excited for it, I mean it was the only thing we have had to look forward to in a while. We made signs, we got showered and dressed and we went out to wait for them. It was so exciting to hear the parade enter our neighborhood. When the first car came into sight tears starting streaming down my face. It made it all so real. Our kids are not in school. I am not at work. Nothing is the way it is supposed to be. People are getting sick. People are dying. People are losing their jobs. Businesses are closing. I can't see my dad, my family, my friends. My children are missing their teachers, their friends, their routines. It is too much. The tears wouldn't stop. I cried that whole afternoon and have cried at least once a day since. It is all too f-ing much.
The school work is too much- I am not good with technology baseline. Throw in any amount of stress and I am done. There is way too much information being thrown at me; the class Facebook pages have posts every 3 minutes from the superintendents, principals, vice principals, teaching teams, individual teachers, specialty teachers, the PTA, random school staff members I have never heard of, school clubs all giving activities/assignments that the kids can do. What is required? What is optional? Then on top of the Facebook pages I have apps for all the kid's schools as well pining notifications left and right. I have 3 children at 3 different schools. My head looked like a cartoon character that gets all steamed up and is about to explode. I turned everything off and we have done nothing for several days. Literally no school work. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. I have started reaching out to the individual teachers asking for a "school work for dummies" list of what they need to be doing. Nothing more, nothing less. I can't friggin stand the people who are posting pictures of their kids doing all these extra projects. Like one of the memes I saw said; they aren't passing out awards for the best homeschool mom. I am literally trying to get through the day without yelling something at my kids that will psychologically scar them for the rest of their lives. This is coming from someone with a degree in child development, someone who has worked with children and families in crisis for over 20 years. I am losing my shit left and right, I really feel for those parents in the same position that don't have a background that involves showing patience with children that are anxious, scared and overwhelmed. This is all just too much.
The social distancing is too much- I have congenital heart defects that could potentially put me at greater risk of getting really sick if I contract Coronavirus. I have a child with an autoimmune disorder whose flares are triggered by respiratory infections so she is at greater risk as well. We are taking this very seriously. We have to, not just for our immediate family but for all of the vulnerable people in our community. It sucks staying home. I get it. I would much rather be out and about socializing with friends and families but I am doing what has been asked of us and what is the responsible thing to do. I have had to take a break from Facebook for a few days. I have quickly been losing respect for people and I had to step back before I post or say something that would tick a lot of people off. I get so angry when I see people walking around/hanging out/posting selfies with people that are not in their immediate family. I want to scream WTF are you doing? If I am stuck home with a hormonal, moody, preteen with diagnosed anxiety disorder and an autoimmune disorder and am financially sacrificing for the greater good of my community stay your ass home!! Why do some people think they are so entitled like the recommendations don't apply to them? I know 3 people that have been hit with this virus. It is no fucking joke. The longer you assholes are still going around like nothing is happening the longer this virus will be around. Why is that so hard to understand? Just because you don't feel sick doesn't mean you aren't a carrier or aren't infected and just not showing symptoms yet. I have heard people say, well we don't have Coronavirus so we can't give it to anyone. These are so called intelligent people, I don't get it. I am learning some people I know are really ignorant idiots. I hope to get back online soon. I was having fun posting silly memes and I know people were looking forward to my daily meme dumps. I just am too sad the past few days. I am just too overwhelmed the past few days. I am just too angry the past few days. It is all too much.
The financial instability is too much- I am out of work temporarily. That means I am not getting paid. I am 47 years old and had to file for unemployment for the first time. I finally heard back from them yesterday and the amount I am going to receive is just about half of what I normally bring home each week. I keep hearing about the extra $600 from the federal government to supplement those receiving unemployment but when I finally spoke to a live person from the Unemployment Department they had no idea about it and if and when it is happening how they would even get it out to people, so that was not reassuring in the least. Chuck's work is reliant solely on the economy. If the economy is tanking so is his work. No or limited construction projects mean no great need for electrical engineers. So instead of laying people off his company has decided to temporarily reduce salaries. So between the both of us we are losing close around $2,600 a month. That is just too much. I have been trying to get in touch with our mortgage company to see about a forbearance, but they aren't taking phone calls, everything has to be done online. Same with the banks that hold our car loans, no one to talk to in person, all online. So here we are at the first of the month when our mortgage is due just waiting for something, anything from our mortgage company. Hopefully they are willing to work with us. If not, I hope all of you asshats that aren't taking this social distancing seriously are the first ones to donate when I set up a Go-Fund me to pay our bills. I have been paying attention, I know who you are. For those of you who may be thinking why don't you have any money saved for emergencies? Due to those aforementioned congenital heart defects that decided to rear their ugly heads last fall, combined with several other unforeseen medical issues that resulted in an unplanned surgery, multiple x-rays, scans, doctors visits and procedures any rainy day fund we had was depleted.
The worry is too much- I am worried about staying afloat financially if this shutdown goes longer than April. I am worried that someone I love gets this virus. I am worried that I might get it when I am at the grocery store. I am worried that I will then pass it to my children. I am worried about my children's academic future. One of my kids struggles academically. Will she be able to keep up next year after missing so much work this year? I am worried about the psychological impact this is having on my children. We try not to show stress and fear in front of them but children are perceptive. They can sense it. I am worried about the psychological impact on me. I am worried about my relationships with my girls and my husband. This is A LOT of togetherness, with little opportunities to find time alone. We are getting on each others nerves. A. LOT. I worry about my health. I am a stress eater and I have put on almost all the weight I had lost. I worry about the children at my school. Are we going to have to start over at square one with routines again? Will relationships that have been fractured over how people are handling this virus or where they stand on how the administration is handling the crisis be mended? I am worried that I am missing out on valuable time/memories with extended family. I am worried about my friends that work in the ER that don't have the protective equipment they need, or any of my friends in the medical field whatever department they work in for that matter. I miss working in a hospital a lot, but I am so grateful I am not in a hospital setting right now. I worry the cereal box I take off the grocery shelf was just touched by someone with the virus right before I came along. I worry my kids will look back on this time years from now and only remember me yelling at them to get some school work done and not remember the chalk drawings and afternoon drives we take. I just worry about it all. I am not one that worries about things I can't control but this feels so different and I can't stop worrying. I usually can find the humor in any situation but the past few days have been hard. F-ing hard. I am hopeful this will pass and I know I will find humor in everyday life again soon, but not today. Today it is all too much. I don't want anyone thinking I am going to jump off the deep end. I am not. I am just having a pity party today. I am allowing myself to feel what I feel and not make apologies for it but I know it is not good to wallow for too long and I promise I will be back to my regular fluff filled blog posts soon. In the meantime, wash your hands and stay the F- HOME!!!
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Dear old Uncle Morty
So as any parent knows, once you have children nothing is yours anymore. What's yours is your children's and what is your children's is your's. In my house that is a half truth. What's mine is my children's, what's Chuck's is still Chuck's. With 3 girls my things go missing all the time; I have found high heels in Emily's room being used as a bed for Barbie, on a recent cold day I went to reach into my jacket pocket for my gloves only to have my cold hands met by an empty pocket. Lately there is a whole subgroup of missing shit; grooming items. Now I know what you are all thinking; I have free and unlimited access to their bedrooms and bathrooms just go in and get your crap back. 1. Yes, I do have free and unlimited access to their rooms but, 2. Two-thirds of my children live as if they are auditioning for an upcoming episode of Hoarders, I take my life in my hands going into those deathtraps. I have a hunch I know where those U.S. cases of the Coronavirus that are of "unknown origin" originated. Have no fear though, the antidote to the Coronavirus lives within those 4 walls as well. The mold growing in their rooms is so abundant the CDC can cultivate enough penicillin to keep this pandemic in check. Thank Christ, Mike Pence can now stand down.
So let's take a little inventory of all the missing items, shall we?
My nail clippers were one of the first to go missing. I don't need them so much for my fingernails-they don't grow anyway but I do need them for my toes. I used to get pedicures on a regular basis but since having kids it is an expense I just can't justify. I did however invest in a decent pair of nail clippers, lest my toenails turn into talons. I know TLC airs a show about crazy addictions and from time to time there is someone with toe nails as long as Rapunzel's hair but, umm, yeah, NO! I personally subscribe to the belief that one's toe nails should never have the opportunity to grow past one's toe tip. Call me crazy but if I am snuggling with someone and they can scratch my head with their little piggies sh*t will go down real fast.
So back to my fingernails. Again, I used to get bi-weekly manicures before I popped out my kids and again, it is an expense that I just can't justify. So every Sunday while watching America's Funniest Videos I give myself a proper manicure. Well, that hasn't happened in a while. My cuticle tool is missing! I am sure it is being used to dig a wick out of a candle or to stir some concoction I find in their bathroom sink. I had the pleasure of cleaning their bathroom last weekend. I was on strike for about 6 months and refused to clean it. I broke down and finally did it because I was afraid our dog Mary Alice might contract some dreaded third world disease from drinking out of their toilet. The girls get typhoid, serves them right but once you add Mary to the equation all bets are off. I would lay down my life for that dog. It took hours and almost a full can of Comet, yup I use chemicals to clean, no vinegar and water here-I want my house to smell like a pristine operating room not a goddamn douche. I was almost done, I just had to clear the drain on the sink. I worked in an ER, I have seen it all; blood, guts, pus (my favorite-seriously), burnt flesh, brain matter but nothing, nothing could have prepared me for what I pulled out of their bathroom sink drain. The smell coming from the ball of gelatinous slime I pulled out made me dry heave so violently I think I may have broken a rib. I seriously considered sending it off to the CIA. The most hardened terrorist would give up their next plot the second that ball of death entered the room. Yes, it was that bad and mind you, I lived with a rancid, decaying hole in my belly for months after Emily was born. I thought the smell of my own rotting flesh was bad, that, that my friends was a bed of roses compared to this malodorous, noxious, sphere of necrosis. But I digress. Back to my DIY manicures. I bought a new nail polish and of course it just walked away. No one knew what happened to it. Well I knew where to look. I went straight to the Nail Polish Graveyard. Anyone with little girls most likely has such a graveyard. Bottles of once slick polish now look like a washed up queen after partying a little too hard at the Pride Parade. Dried up glitter dripping down the side of the bottle, the handle is crusted half in/half out of the bottle at such an angle to allow enough air inside to dry it out or the more horrifying brush stuck to the table next to the opened bottle. Either way they brush bristles will never be used again, they can't--they are clumped so tightly together that no amount of polish remover can penetrate them. Of course it couldn't be my $1.97 Wet & Wild polish, nope it had to be my $6.87 bottle of Sally Hansen. Doesn't seem like a huge expense but when you are paying for these lacquer funerals on the regular it adds up.
Another day I went looking for my Nair hair remover and of course it wasn't where it should have been. I set out on a one person search party. I found it in the girl's shower. It was the pump style bottle. Christ's sake that's all I need, one of my kids mistaking it for shampoo or cream rinse. Can you imagine if one of my kids came out of the shower looking like Steve Wilkos? I would try my best to be understanding, supportive and compassionate but you know what would come out instead? "Stand up, you don't deserve a chair" all while doubling over in uncontrollable laughter. Steve Wilkos fans will get that reference.
While looking for my Nair I found cold wax strips all rolled in a ball under their bathroom sink. It looks as if an attempt was made to use them. I would've paid money to be a fly on the wall when that all went down. To whichever of my girls that experimented with those; be grateful it isn't tank top and shorts season. Your cover would be blown when you show up to the BBQ with super raw legs and armpits that look like they are ready to be thrown on the grill.
So you can probably gather I was trying to winterize my legs; shaving ones legs is such an arduous chore. I hate it and truth be told, and I can almost guarantee I am not the only female to do this; in the winter I may or may not on more than one occasion shaved only the bottom 3 inches of my legs whilst skipping the rest of my upper leg. You know, shave just enough that will show when wearing pants and add 2 inches to be safe in the event you cross your legs and your pant leg rides up a bit. I am sure half of my readers are nodding their head knowingly. I am not a complete animal and to not run Chuck off completely I will Nair my legs a few times in the winter so I don't turn into a sasquatch, you're welcome Babe. Since the wax and Nair were gone I figured I would just shave but, alas my razor was missing. Well technically I still had the razor, just the set of replacement blades were missing. How the hell can one use just the blades with no handle? You don't need to be Olivia Benson to figure that one out. Whoever comes to dinner with a thousand tiny little slices on their fingertips will be the culprit. Guess I won't be serving finger foods any time soon.
My deodorant has gone MIA on a few occasions too. Please know I purchase my children their own deodorant and any other age appropriate personal hygiene/grooming tools they need or want so there is no real reason for them to take mine other than to drive me bat shit crazy. So I was at the store the other day and I picked up a new deodorant for myself; Secret Brand Coconut Breeze. Hey I figured, why not? Every time I wear it I will be transported to a deserted island and can have a brief escape from reality. Now, if you know me in real life you know I am not a fan of the heat. If it is over 50 degrees I am physically uncomfortable. I don't believe in much; ghosts, psychics, Bigfoot, Donald Trump is a stable genius, but I wholeheartedly believe in spontaneous human combustion and there may come a day soon that I just burst into flames. So unfortunately I have my sweating working against me. Instead of smelling like an ocean breeze on me, the coconut deodorant smells more like an old, dirty sand bucket you find in your trunk at the end of the summer with dried up snails and starfish in it. Still no drain rot but close to it.
The one thing missing that really ticked me off was my tweezers. They were missing for about a week and I swear to the walking, upright Gods it was as if I had Miracle Grow on my eyebrows. Everyone has that one crazy uncle with a rogue 3 inch hair sprouting from their brow. That was me. I was Uncle Morty. But that wasn't the half of it. Now that I am a woman of a particular age I have these gross, blond (really grey, but humor me) whiskers growing on my chin. I was without my tweezers for over seven days! I'm over here like Rip Van Winkle and to top it off my magnifying mirror I need because I'm blind as a bat is cracked in 3 places! So now I have 3 reflections, insult to injury when I look in my mirror I look like one of those biker dudes that parts their beard down the middle. For F's sake, leave my sh*t alone!! Tweezers are an important part of my life. I invested in the good ones, no Walmart Equate brand tweezers for me.--I went straight to the man, all the way up the food chain to the Tweezerman! I loved them, it was double ended and had the most perfect point to it. Sadly they never turned up. I had to replace them. They didn't have the ones I wanted and was forced to get the subpar ones they had. I tried them the other day and it was like trying to pull my eyebrows out with salad tongs. No grip, they kept slipping off the hair. So upsetting. I came very close to just shaving them off and buying the Tatbrow micro brow pen that keeps showing up on my Facebook feed. But since my razor blades are still missing I wasn't able to.
I just wish there was something of Chucks they would take, just so he could understand my frustration. I don't foresee this thievery ending anytime soon. I am thinking of investing in a loss prevention system for my bathroom, you know like the ones they have in stores. I will put little tags on all my stuff and when they try to leave my bathroom with it an alarm will go off. Though, I believe most of the thefts occur when I am not home so that won't work. Maybe I can design a system kind of like the Ring Doorbell system so when someone tries to enter or leave my bathroom it will ring my phone and I can see the culprit. I'm just blue skying here but maybe I can just cut out the middleman and straight up hire Shaq to guard my bathroom. Until then just call me Uncle Morty.
So let's take a little inventory of all the missing items, shall we?
My nail clippers were one of the first to go missing. I don't need them so much for my fingernails-they don't grow anyway but I do need them for my toes. I used to get pedicures on a regular basis but since having kids it is an expense I just can't justify. I did however invest in a decent pair of nail clippers, lest my toenails turn into talons. I know TLC airs a show about crazy addictions and from time to time there is someone with toe nails as long as Rapunzel's hair but, umm, yeah, NO! I personally subscribe to the belief that one's toe nails should never have the opportunity to grow past one's toe tip. Call me crazy but if I am snuggling with someone and they can scratch my head with their little piggies sh*t will go down real fast.
So back to my fingernails. Again, I used to get bi-weekly manicures before I popped out my kids and again, it is an expense that I just can't justify. So every Sunday while watching America's Funniest Videos I give myself a proper manicure. Well, that hasn't happened in a while. My cuticle tool is missing! I am sure it is being used to dig a wick out of a candle or to stir some concoction I find in their bathroom sink. I had the pleasure of cleaning their bathroom last weekend. I was on strike for about 6 months and refused to clean it. I broke down and finally did it because I was afraid our dog Mary Alice might contract some dreaded third world disease from drinking out of their toilet. The girls get typhoid, serves them right but once you add Mary to the equation all bets are off. I would lay down my life for that dog. It took hours and almost a full can of Comet, yup I use chemicals to clean, no vinegar and water here-I want my house to smell like a pristine operating room not a goddamn douche. I was almost done, I just had to clear the drain on the sink. I worked in an ER, I have seen it all; blood, guts, pus (my favorite-seriously), burnt flesh, brain matter but nothing, nothing could have prepared me for what I pulled out of their bathroom sink drain. The smell coming from the ball of gelatinous slime I pulled out made me dry heave so violently I think I may have broken a rib. I seriously considered sending it off to the CIA. The most hardened terrorist would give up their next plot the second that ball of death entered the room. Yes, it was that bad and mind you, I lived with a rancid, decaying hole in my belly for months after Emily was born. I thought the smell of my own rotting flesh was bad, that, that my friends was a bed of roses compared to this malodorous, noxious, sphere of necrosis. But I digress. Back to my DIY manicures. I bought a new nail polish and of course it just walked away. No one knew what happened to it. Well I knew where to look. I went straight to the Nail Polish Graveyard. Anyone with little girls most likely has such a graveyard. Bottles of once slick polish now look like a washed up queen after partying a little too hard at the Pride Parade. Dried up glitter dripping down the side of the bottle, the handle is crusted half in/half out of the bottle at such an angle to allow enough air inside to dry it out or the more horrifying brush stuck to the table next to the opened bottle. Either way they brush bristles will never be used again, they can't--they are clumped so tightly together that no amount of polish remover can penetrate them. Of course it couldn't be my $1.97 Wet & Wild polish, nope it had to be my $6.87 bottle of Sally Hansen. Doesn't seem like a huge expense but when you are paying for these lacquer funerals on the regular it adds up.
Another day I went looking for my Nair hair remover and of course it wasn't where it should have been. I set out on a one person search party. I found it in the girl's shower. It was the pump style bottle. Christ's sake that's all I need, one of my kids mistaking it for shampoo or cream rinse. Can you imagine if one of my kids came out of the shower looking like Steve Wilkos? I would try my best to be understanding, supportive and compassionate but you know what would come out instead? "Stand up, you don't deserve a chair" all while doubling over in uncontrollable laughter. Steve Wilkos fans will get that reference.
While looking for my Nair I found cold wax strips all rolled in a ball under their bathroom sink. It looks as if an attempt was made to use them. I would've paid money to be a fly on the wall when that all went down. To whichever of my girls that experimented with those; be grateful it isn't tank top and shorts season. Your cover would be blown when you show up to the BBQ with super raw legs and armpits that look like they are ready to be thrown on the grill.
So you can probably gather I was trying to winterize my legs; shaving ones legs is such an arduous chore. I hate it and truth be told, and I can almost guarantee I am not the only female to do this; in the winter I may or may not on more than one occasion shaved only the bottom 3 inches of my legs whilst skipping the rest of my upper leg. You know, shave just enough that will show when wearing pants and add 2 inches to be safe in the event you cross your legs and your pant leg rides up a bit. I am sure half of my readers are nodding their head knowingly. I am not a complete animal and to not run Chuck off completely I will Nair my legs a few times in the winter so I don't turn into a sasquatch, you're welcome Babe. Since the wax and Nair were gone I figured I would just shave but, alas my razor was missing. Well technically I still had the razor, just the set of replacement blades were missing. How the hell can one use just the blades with no handle? You don't need to be Olivia Benson to figure that one out. Whoever comes to dinner with a thousand tiny little slices on their fingertips will be the culprit. Guess I won't be serving finger foods any time soon.
My deodorant has gone MIA on a few occasions too. Please know I purchase my children their own deodorant and any other age appropriate personal hygiene/grooming tools they need or want so there is no real reason for them to take mine other than to drive me bat shit crazy. So I was at the store the other day and I picked up a new deodorant for myself; Secret Brand Coconut Breeze. Hey I figured, why not? Every time I wear it I will be transported to a deserted island and can have a brief escape from reality. Now, if you know me in real life you know I am not a fan of the heat. If it is over 50 degrees I am physically uncomfortable. I don't believe in much; ghosts, psychics, Bigfoot, Donald Trump is a stable genius, but I wholeheartedly believe in spontaneous human combustion and there may come a day soon that I just burst into flames. So unfortunately I have my sweating working against me. Instead of smelling like an ocean breeze on me, the coconut deodorant smells more like an old, dirty sand bucket you find in your trunk at the end of the summer with dried up snails and starfish in it. Still no drain rot but close to it.
The one thing missing that really ticked me off was my tweezers. They were missing for about a week and I swear to the walking, upright Gods it was as if I had Miracle Grow on my eyebrows. Everyone has that one crazy uncle with a rogue 3 inch hair sprouting from their brow. That was me. I was Uncle Morty. But that wasn't the half of it. Now that I am a woman of a particular age I have these gross, blond (really grey, but humor me) whiskers growing on my chin. I was without my tweezers for over seven days! I'm over here like Rip Van Winkle and to top it off my magnifying mirror I need because I'm blind as a bat is cracked in 3 places! So now I have 3 reflections, insult to injury when I look in my mirror I look like one of those biker dudes that parts their beard down the middle. For F's sake, leave my sh*t alone!! Tweezers are an important part of my life. I invested in the good ones, no Walmart Equate brand tweezers for me.--I went straight to the man, all the way up the food chain to the Tweezerman! I loved them, it was double ended and had the most perfect point to it. Sadly they never turned up. I had to replace them. They didn't have the ones I wanted and was forced to get the subpar ones they had. I tried them the other day and it was like trying to pull my eyebrows out with salad tongs. No grip, they kept slipping off the hair. So upsetting. I came very close to just shaving them off and buying the Tatbrow micro brow pen that keeps showing up on my Facebook feed. But since my razor blades are still missing I wasn't able to.
I just wish there was something of Chucks they would take, just so he could understand my frustration. I don't foresee this thievery ending anytime soon. I am thinking of investing in a loss prevention system for my bathroom, you know like the ones they have in stores. I will put little tags on all my stuff and when they try to leave my bathroom with it an alarm will go off. Though, I believe most of the thefts occur when I am not home so that won't work. Maybe I can design a system kind of like the Ring Doorbell system so when someone tries to enter or leave my bathroom it will ring my phone and I can see the culprit. I'm just blue skying here but maybe I can just cut out the middleman and straight up hire Shaq to guard my bathroom. Until then just call me Uncle Morty.
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Rage Against the Machine
I know, I know it has been a minute since my last post. It's this whole working full time thing that kind of gets in the way. However, I do have something I want to write about. Something that has been simmering under the surface for some time now and I finally have a free morning to tell you about. I wrote that last statement as if; 1. Someone is going to read this and 2. As if anyone really cares what I have to say. Despite the unknown of my actual readership, I push on. I have to push on you see, because in our society it is becoming abundantly clear that no one will do it for me. Our society is rapidly changing and I am not a huge fan of the changes I see. Bearing witness to what I consider the decline of our society can be heartbreaking. I have seen the strongest of relationships crumble when one person chooses one side and their partner is diametrically opposed. Our country has become so divisive lately and unfortunately we are forced to pick a side. I have picked my side and I dare any of you to convince me otherwise; SELF CHECKOUT LANES ARE WRONG! Hear me out on this one folks;
The takeover has been gradual; first it was self-serve gas stations. Yeah at first it seemed like a good idea, you jump out fill your tank and you are off. I was a lot younger when this petroleum revolution took place. I was driving a Chevette and could hop in and out of the car with ease. Most stations had a self serve lane and a lane with an attendant. When it was raining or when the frigid New England winters were just too much I could go to the manned side. He would fill the tank, check the oil and wash the windows, remember that? Seriously, they would check the oil and wash your windows while your tank was filling. I swear to Christ I can't remember the last time I cleaned my car windows, I'm sure Chuck has done it from time to time when he borrows my car. It was gradual but full service gas stations are pretty much non existent, though we do have a few in our town but I have had issues at both-one the guy filled it when I clearly said $20 so I had to pay for a full tank and the other one I have been a victim of attempted proselytizing, neither of which I want to fall prey to again so I am forced to purchase my gasoline elsewhere. The majority of stations in proximity to where I live and work are all self-serve. Now that I am a woman of a certain age, I can no longer hop in and out of my car with ease, it takes some effort these days, forget about it when I was pregnant, there is no longer an option of staying in a nice warm car when a Nor'easter is raging or snow is piled high. It's all on me now. In addition to being a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Child Care Director I am also a part time gas station attendant.
Next up in the revolution came online shopping. Not a fan, yes it comes in handy when I need to purchase items for work, and I was bitten by the Walmart Grocery Pick-Up bug for a while but I am not in the online shopping camp. I like to go into a store and see, feel and try on what I am buying. Yeah, I know free shipping can be enticing, but I find it all impersonal. Plus real people are losing jobs, real brick and mortar stores are closing down and people's online shopping has become so pervasive in their everyday lives that it can now be classified as an addiction. I just read an article about it in Psychology Today. I may or may not know someone who purchased a family members birthday card through Amazon. I have since broken up with the Walmart Grocery Pick-up and went back to my weekly trips to the Basket and all is right in my world again. Which brings me to my next point-self checkouts in stores.
Yup, we have all seen them. Walmart was the first one I ever encountered. I get why people like them, you just have a few items and you want to get in and out. You feel like you can scan the items quicker than the cashiers. I will admit there are a few cashiers I have come across that look at each individual item, ask about it and take time to bag it with like items. Yes, that can be frustrating- just scan and bag please, scan and bag, no need for conversation-a few pleasantries absolutely-no one is above a "Hi, how are you", a comment on the weather or local sports team sure but when you scan garlic, tomato paste, meatball mix and a box of spaghetti no need to ask what I'm making. Tuna Casserole obviously. Just scan and bag. Shaws, Price Chopper and most of the other grocery stores have self-checkout too. So far my local Market Basket hasn't sold out to the man, but I honestly think I will succumb to broken heart syndrome the day I walk in to the Basket and have to check out my veggie sausage myself. Stop & Shop makes you scan your groceries as you add them to your shopping cart. The f*ck is that about? They want you in and out so fast they don't even want you wasting their time by loitering around their self- check out. Here is something to think about, a way to stick it to the man, if you are so inclined, I am not because I don't like to break the law. If you put your grapes on the self checkout scale who's to say you have to hit the picture of the $.69/pound bananas versus the $2.99/pound green seedless grapes? Or tap regular apples when you in fact are weighing your organic apples? Hmm, just like Ed Sheeran I'm thinking out loud. Oh, so along the lines of me not liking to break the law here is a semi-short digression; on the way to and from work I drive 12 miles down a long, winding somewhat rural road. 9 days out of 10 there is a police car somewhere along those 12 miles watching for speeders. 9 days out of 10 there is always someone who flashes their lights at me to warn me of said police car. The light flasher is making some pretty broad assumptions about me; 1. That I am a scofflaw and I am speeding to my destination, now my kinfolk may be from Southie but I am no means a descendant of the Winter Hill gang and 2. I want to be part of their criminal enterprise. I know most people would love to get the universal police are ahead signal but I do not. If I am speeding that's on me. I should take ownership of my actions, whether right or wrong. Do I look at the speedometer and adjust accordingly when I get flashed. You bet your ass I do, but I am against it on principle.
Back to my original post. I went to our local CVS recently. I hadn't been for a while and sure as shit they have self checkout now too. Our CVS is on the smaller side and the checkout area is already heavily congested so it makes absolute sense to add a few self-checkouts right in the most obnoxious spot possible. It was like a scene out of Black Friday; a mob of people pushing to get ahead of the others. One more store I can't go to now. Our McDonald's was closed for renovations. Was it to upgrade the 70's looking facade or interior? Nope, it was to add self serve kiosks. McDonald's is a fast food place, do we really need to speed up the ordering? Plus, our McDonalds is the meeting place for every octogenarian within the Blackstone Valley. I wouldn't want to be in line behind them on a Saturday morning. I would be there until the dinner rush.
The final straw for me happened over Christmas vacation. We took the girls to see Frozen 2. Now, granted it had been a while since we have been to the theater, all 5 of us going to the movies is pretty much the equivalent to a car payment so we don't go often. This may have been in place for a while but it was the first time I saw it. You now are responsible for getting your own drinks. They have a few of those huge Coke kiosks. If you have ever seen one of these behemoths you know there are at least 16 different screens with each screen having at least 20 different drink choices. You now need to add an extra 45 minutes before the movie starts to get your concessions. You have the elderly who don't understand the concept of touch screens, you have young children taking 27 minutes to look through each screen (sometimes more than once) to pick what they want and then the ever annoying teenagers trying to come up with the most ironic drink combos to impress their friends. So yeah, there's that.
But what really got a hair across my ass and made me come out against these machines is the buttered popcorn situation. I ordered my popcorn the way I always do, and really the only way a civilized person should, with butter throughout. So back in the day they would fill your popcorn bag half way, drizzle the golden nectar over it, add the rest of the popcorn and give it another drizzle. Well my friends, those days are gone! You now have to add your own butter. So I had to get the full bag of popcorn and take it over to a disgustingly dirty table and add my own butter. I am not employed there, I have not been trained on what popcorn to butter ratio is appropriate and to top it off they would not give me an extra bag to dump some out so I could properly butter my popcorn throughout. Oh the humanity! So I had to butter just the top and take a small plastic condiment cup, without a cover, and fill it with the melted butter to add as I ate. Now 2 things wrong with this, 1. If I am paying almost $10 for a bag of popcorn there should be a butler that comes with it to feed me, short of that I should be able to get my goddamned butter throughout and 2. the condiment cup had no cover so I had to precariously balance it on my armrest and spent the whole time making sure it didn't spill, thereby missing the whole movie. Oh and another thing, so I guess that make 3 things. The "butter" never solidified in any way. Now I am not so naive to think it was real butter but science would lead me to believe that when a warmed liquid cools down it would solidify in some way, shape or form. There wasn't even a skin on top of it. So not sure what kind of scientific voodoo they use to create that stuff but I don't believe there is any edible components to it. That being said, I will still use it to butter my popcorn throughout on the rare occasions I go to the theater. And for the record, I did teach my girls the proper way to eat movie theater popcorn.
Why am I taking the side I am? That question deserves a multifaceted answer. These machines are supposed to simplify life for us. How many times have you been in a self check out line behind an old person who is figuring out how to scan their hard candy? Or where they can insert their check they just spent 10 minutes writing out? Or the incompetent teenager that is trying to discreetly buy condoms and is so nervous they end up scanning the box so fast it throughs the machine into overdrive. Then we must wait for the pimply faced teenage manager to come over with their key, only to type in 792 buttons to no avail. Or have to wait in the self checkout line for 20 minutes because no real lines are open just to ring up my $.89 roll of paper towels. My favorite is the overly permissive parent that lets their snowflake scan in all of the items in their basket. Drives me nuts! I am all for teachable moments and if there is no one else in line I let my kids do it, but the instant someone else enters the line I take over. I refuse to be that person someone will snarkily blog about later. My biggest reason is due to our hurried lifestyle we are putting real people out of jobs. Walmart used to have multiple lanes open at a time, now you are lucky to see one lane open and an employee or 2 at the self checkouts. What happened to all the others that used to work there? McDonalds used to be a great place for teens to enter the workforce and earn spending money. Those jobs are all being phased out and we are losing out on human connections. There was a cashier at Walmart that used to ring me up when I was buying stuff for my Girl Scout troops, she would give me great activity ideas from when she was a troop leader now I have no idea where she is or what happened to her. Dora from our local McDonalds would always tell me how to order things separately instead of combos so I would get more bang for my buck. Now with my math skills and those computers I am almost certain I will overpay everytime. Take a minute and think back to the way things used to be; I am sure you will realize there was someone along the way that you would connect with on a regular basis and over time they just disappeared and you never even noticed. Do you wonder where they are? Do you think they are happy self checkouts took over so many facets of our daily life? So there is my argument, no convincing me otherwise.
The takeover has been gradual; first it was self-serve gas stations. Yeah at first it seemed like a good idea, you jump out fill your tank and you are off. I was a lot younger when this petroleum revolution took place. I was driving a Chevette and could hop in and out of the car with ease. Most stations had a self serve lane and a lane with an attendant. When it was raining or when the frigid New England winters were just too much I could go to the manned side. He would fill the tank, check the oil and wash the windows, remember that? Seriously, they would check the oil and wash your windows while your tank was filling. I swear to Christ I can't remember the last time I cleaned my car windows, I'm sure Chuck has done it from time to time when he borrows my car. It was gradual but full service gas stations are pretty much non existent, though we do have a few in our town but I have had issues at both-one the guy filled it when I clearly said $20 so I had to pay for a full tank and the other one I have been a victim of attempted proselytizing, neither of which I want to fall prey to again so I am forced to purchase my gasoline elsewhere. The majority of stations in proximity to where I live and work are all self-serve. Now that I am a woman of a certain age, I can no longer hop in and out of my car with ease, it takes some effort these days, forget about it when I was pregnant, there is no longer an option of staying in a nice warm car when a Nor'easter is raging or snow is piled high. It's all on me now. In addition to being a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Child Care Director I am also a part time gas station attendant.
Next up in the revolution came online shopping. Not a fan, yes it comes in handy when I need to purchase items for work, and I was bitten by the Walmart Grocery Pick-Up bug for a while but I am not in the online shopping camp. I like to go into a store and see, feel and try on what I am buying. Yeah, I know free shipping can be enticing, but I find it all impersonal. Plus real people are losing jobs, real brick and mortar stores are closing down and people's online shopping has become so pervasive in their everyday lives that it can now be classified as an addiction. I just read an article about it in Psychology Today. I may or may not know someone who purchased a family members birthday card through Amazon. I have since broken up with the Walmart Grocery Pick-up and went back to my weekly trips to the Basket and all is right in my world again. Which brings me to my next point-self checkouts in stores.
Yup, we have all seen them. Walmart was the first one I ever encountered. I get why people like them, you just have a few items and you want to get in and out. You feel like you can scan the items quicker than the cashiers. I will admit there are a few cashiers I have come across that look at each individual item, ask about it and take time to bag it with like items. Yes, that can be frustrating- just scan and bag please, scan and bag, no need for conversation-a few pleasantries absolutely-no one is above a "Hi, how are you", a comment on the weather or local sports team sure but when you scan garlic, tomato paste, meatball mix and a box of spaghetti no need to ask what I'm making. Tuna Casserole obviously. Just scan and bag. Shaws, Price Chopper and most of the other grocery stores have self-checkout too. So far my local Market Basket hasn't sold out to the man, but I honestly think I will succumb to broken heart syndrome the day I walk in to the Basket and have to check out my veggie sausage myself. Stop & Shop makes you scan your groceries as you add them to your shopping cart. The f*ck is that about? They want you in and out so fast they don't even want you wasting their time by loitering around their self- check out. Here is something to think about, a way to stick it to the man, if you are so inclined, I am not because I don't like to break the law. If you put your grapes on the self checkout scale who's to say you have to hit the picture of the $.69/pound bananas versus the $2.99/pound green seedless grapes? Or tap regular apples when you in fact are weighing your organic apples? Hmm, just like Ed Sheeran I'm thinking out loud. Oh, so along the lines of me not liking to break the law here is a semi-short digression; on the way to and from work I drive 12 miles down a long, winding somewhat rural road. 9 days out of 10 there is a police car somewhere along those 12 miles watching for speeders. 9 days out of 10 there is always someone who flashes their lights at me to warn me of said police car. The light flasher is making some pretty broad assumptions about me; 1. That I am a scofflaw and I am speeding to my destination, now my kinfolk may be from Southie but I am no means a descendant of the Winter Hill gang and 2. I want to be part of their criminal enterprise. I know most people would love to get the universal police are ahead signal but I do not. If I am speeding that's on me. I should take ownership of my actions, whether right or wrong. Do I look at the speedometer and adjust accordingly when I get flashed. You bet your ass I do, but I am against it on principle.
Back to my original post. I went to our local CVS recently. I hadn't been for a while and sure as shit they have self checkout now too. Our CVS is on the smaller side and the checkout area is already heavily congested so it makes absolute sense to add a few self-checkouts right in the most obnoxious spot possible. It was like a scene out of Black Friday; a mob of people pushing to get ahead of the others. One more store I can't go to now. Our McDonald's was closed for renovations. Was it to upgrade the 70's looking facade or interior? Nope, it was to add self serve kiosks. McDonald's is a fast food place, do we really need to speed up the ordering? Plus, our McDonalds is the meeting place for every octogenarian within the Blackstone Valley. I wouldn't want to be in line behind them on a Saturday morning. I would be there until the dinner rush.
The final straw for me happened over Christmas vacation. We took the girls to see Frozen 2. Now, granted it had been a while since we have been to the theater, all 5 of us going to the movies is pretty much the equivalent to a car payment so we don't go often. This may have been in place for a while but it was the first time I saw it. You now are responsible for getting your own drinks. They have a few of those huge Coke kiosks. If you have ever seen one of these behemoths you know there are at least 16 different screens with each screen having at least 20 different drink choices. You now need to add an extra 45 minutes before the movie starts to get your concessions. You have the elderly who don't understand the concept of touch screens, you have young children taking 27 minutes to look through each screen (sometimes more than once) to pick what they want and then the ever annoying teenagers trying to come up with the most ironic drink combos to impress their friends. So yeah, there's that.
But what really got a hair across my ass and made me come out against these machines is the buttered popcorn situation. I ordered my popcorn the way I always do, and really the only way a civilized person should, with butter throughout. So back in the day they would fill your popcorn bag half way, drizzle the golden nectar over it, add the rest of the popcorn and give it another drizzle. Well my friends, those days are gone! You now have to add your own butter. So I had to get the full bag of popcorn and take it over to a disgustingly dirty table and add my own butter. I am not employed there, I have not been trained on what popcorn to butter ratio is appropriate and to top it off they would not give me an extra bag to dump some out so I could properly butter my popcorn throughout. Oh the humanity! So I had to butter just the top and take a small plastic condiment cup, without a cover, and fill it with the melted butter to add as I ate. Now 2 things wrong with this, 1. If I am paying almost $10 for a bag of popcorn there should be a butler that comes with it to feed me, short of that I should be able to get my goddamned butter throughout and 2. the condiment cup had no cover so I had to precariously balance it on my armrest and spent the whole time making sure it didn't spill, thereby missing the whole movie. Oh and another thing, so I guess that make 3 things. The "butter" never solidified in any way. Now I am not so naive to think it was real butter but science would lead me to believe that when a warmed liquid cools down it would solidify in some way, shape or form. There wasn't even a skin on top of it. So not sure what kind of scientific voodoo they use to create that stuff but I don't believe there is any edible components to it. That being said, I will still use it to butter my popcorn throughout on the rare occasions I go to the theater. And for the record, I did teach my girls the proper way to eat movie theater popcorn.
Why am I taking the side I am? That question deserves a multifaceted answer. These machines are supposed to simplify life for us. How many times have you been in a self check out line behind an old person who is figuring out how to scan their hard candy? Or where they can insert their check they just spent 10 minutes writing out? Or the incompetent teenager that is trying to discreetly buy condoms and is so nervous they end up scanning the box so fast it throughs the machine into overdrive. Then we must wait for the pimply faced teenage manager to come over with their key, only to type in 792 buttons to no avail. Or have to wait in the self checkout line for 20 minutes because no real lines are open just to ring up my $.89 roll of paper towels. My favorite is the overly permissive parent that lets their snowflake scan in all of the items in their basket. Drives me nuts! I am all for teachable moments and if there is no one else in line I let my kids do it, but the instant someone else enters the line I take over. I refuse to be that person someone will snarkily blog about later. My biggest reason is due to our hurried lifestyle we are putting real people out of jobs. Walmart used to have multiple lanes open at a time, now you are lucky to see one lane open and an employee or 2 at the self checkouts. What happened to all the others that used to work there? McDonalds used to be a great place for teens to enter the workforce and earn spending money. Those jobs are all being phased out and we are losing out on human connections. There was a cashier at Walmart that used to ring me up when I was buying stuff for my Girl Scout troops, she would give me great activity ideas from when she was a troop leader now I have no idea where she is or what happened to her. Dora from our local McDonalds would always tell me how to order things separately instead of combos so I would get more bang for my buck. Now with my math skills and those computers I am almost certain I will overpay everytime. Take a minute and think back to the way things used to be; I am sure you will realize there was someone along the way that you would connect with on a regular basis and over time they just disappeared and you never even noticed. Do you wonder where they are? Do you think they are happy self checkouts took over so many facets of our daily life? So there is my argument, no convincing me otherwise.
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