Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day...why should today be any different?

So today is Mother's Day.  It is my first mother's day without my mom.  I tried really hard to get all my sadness out yesterday.  I went to her grave and planted flowers and cried.  A lot.  But today I really wanted to focus on my girls and make a day of special memories with them.  So we make plans to go to this really cool park a little over an hour away.   Of course my life being mine, things are always just slightly off.

The girls are so excited to give me their presents.  All three of them made really cute pictures of their hand-prints at school and were so proud of their masterpieces.  They also got me a Bath and Body Works lavender spray set to help me sleep at night.  Their Auntie Jen helped them pick it out, though they told her I don't really need it because all I do is sleep.  Umm, not true!!  I mean SO not true!  I have been seeing a sleep psychologist for the past few weeks.  Yes, their are therapists devoted just to the psychology of sleep.  I average 4 hours a sleep a night.  My primary care doc sent me to a sleep specialist who in turn referred me to the sleep psychologist.  I just want to sleep...not delve into my deepest feelings about sleep.  Give me a flippin Unisom for Christ's sake!  Now, if I complained about a back ache I would be giving a prescription to treat it in no time.  But God forbid I get a script for sleep without having to see this guy every Thursday for 6 weeks.  But, I digress...that is a blog post for another time.  Anyway, I am very thankful for the lavender spray and I can't wait to try it out tonight!

So then I open my other present.  It is a lighted, magnifying mirror and a pair of really good tweezers.  Just what I wanted!  No, seriously...for real.  I have been dying for this mirror.  I was so excited, part of me wanted to stay home and test it out...but the girls were antsy to get going.  The mirror will have to wait.

So I finish packing up for our trip.  The park has a splash pad so I need to get the girls towels.  Of course we only have 3 towels in the closet.  Chuck goes downstairs but the towels were still in the washer and they will take over an hour to dry.  So we have to make do.  The girls are fine...they will each have a towel to dry off with at the splash park.  The issue being, I still have yet to take a shower.  So, yup...you guessed it!  Once again I was forced to be creative in my drying off process.  Tablecloth it is.    I pick the fancy white one...It is Mother's Day God damn it! I say to myself.  I want to at least have some shred of dignity on this day when I am supposed to be celebrated.  Though it is really hard to have any dignity at all when the reality of wandering through the house in a table linen hits you.  Oh well, why should today be any different?

We get out to the park and I go to grab the bag with the precious 3 towels in it and guess what?  Chuck never grabbed it when packing up the car!!  Yeah, that's about right for us!!  No worries, we have a great time anyway.

So they drop me off at home and head over to see Chuck's mom.  Yippee!!  I am home A.L.O.N.E!  I am dying to try out my new magnifying mirror.  Why all the excitement?  Well, I am entering that wonderful stage of life called menopause.  Sh*tty for me...lucky for all of you...I can almost guarantee there will be plenty of posts headed your way.  So due to the surge of some hormones and decrease of other, or however this whole sexy process works, I am slowly becoming a werewolf.  I need the super mirror to make sure I nip any stray hairs in the bud right away.  Sometime immediately after my 40th birthday...I mean within nanoseconds my eyesight sh*t the bed.  So a regular bathroom mirror won't cut it anymore.  The fact Chuck bought me the mirror and tweezers, that, that right there is true love.  I mean, no where in our vows did it say, "in waxed chins and in hairy"...I bet never in a million years did he think while sitting across from me on our first date, "she is going to be my wife one day and I am going to buy her a mirror so she can tweeze away her whiskers".  He is a good, good man.

So I sit down and turn the mirror on.  Now, I am not calling anyone out here but...what happened to the post 911 phrase, "if you see something, say something?"  Turns out I have been sporting a uni-brow.  Now, it is not a super obvious one like Bert from Sesame Street or anything, but it was there none the less.  I know my uni-brow is not on par with I don't know, say an unattended black duffel bag at the airport but come on...someone could have said something.  Don't even get me started on the random, inch long blond hairs randomly placed on my chin, neck and jaw line.  This menopause crap is gonna be fun!  Thank God for my new mirror...not sure what the hell I am going to do when the hot flashes start up in earnest...if you have been reading my blog for a while you know I  whole-heartedly believe I will, at some point, become the victim of spontaneous human combustion, but at least I will be beard free when I blow up.

So here I sit, brows freshly tweezed, plenty of towels in the closet thinking about my day.  I am glad I had my emotional, first mother's day without my mom- breakdown yesterday, and today I focused on my girls and was able to find the humor and joy in my life.  My mom would have wanted nothing less for me today.

P.S.--For the record I will wash the table cloth in a hot water wash with bleach...in case any of you were wondering!



Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Life lessons my children have yet to learn...

1.  If you write on something other than paper (the wall, the dresser, a chair, etc.) do not use your go-to drawing.  I know which child is famous for their butterflies, which one is known for their stars and which one just scribbles.  Mix it up a bit...extend your freedom by a few extra minutes while I try and figure out who the graffiti artist is.

2.  Dry shampoo is just a stop-gap measure until you can properly wash your hair.  It is not intended for daily use.

3.  For Emily, my cleavage is not a pocket.  Please stop trying to store things there.

4.  An animal print top with an animal print pant and animal print backpack, headband and shoes is not a good look.  For anyone.  Ever.

5.  Flush the toilet.  Your poop is not that special you need to save it. 

6.  Hounding me after I already give you "no" as an answer will not get me to change my mind.  Ever.  It will just make me more resolute in my answer.  (Your dad, however, will most likely give in so go bug him instead).

7.  If you are going to sneak candy before lunch-- hide the wrappers.  Learn to bury them in the trash or better yet put them in the recycling bin.  Leaving them out gives you away.  Wait, scratch that...don't put them in the recycling bin....that is where I put 75% of the worksheets you come home from school with.

8.  Every single paper you put a chicken scratch on does not need to be saved for infinity.  I save the important ones, but please don't go nuts if you see a 'busy work' paper in the trash.


I am sure there are many, many more life lessons they need to grasp...but, for now we will focus on these ones.