Thursday, May 30, 2013

Why is it......?

*  Why is it neither one of my children flush the toilet after "taking care of business"?...Before they learned how to use the potty they would flush and flush and flush again...now they go and leave it in there for all the world to see, as if their excrement were the missing world wonder...now I know Anna gets excited for some of her poops, but come on!  They are not on par with Niagara Falls, the Pyramids or the Grand Canyon.  Flush your Sh*t ladies!!

*  Why is it the only discernible talent my 13 year old cat Gracie has is the ability to tell time?  EVERY morning at exactly 4 a.m. (give or take no more than 1 minute on either side of 4) she wakes me up to eat.  EVERY flippin morning!!

*  Why is it my children can get their wrappers, empty juice boxes and other trash to the counter above the trash, but somehow are incapable of opening the drawer immediately underneath said counter  and actually PUT IT IN THE TRASH?

*  Why is it that I am apparently the only person in our family capable of actually closing a dresser drawer? Perhaps my 3 other house mates may be practicing so they can start a crime ring.  I constantly walk through the house closing dresser drawers with clothes hanging out of them.  It always looks like our house was just hit by robbers...I think they stage "dry runs" when I am not looking.

*  Why is it when we are out and about Anna decides she needs to pee at the most inopportune times?  I am forever asking her if she needs to go and she always reassures me she does not, but as soon as we pass an exit she announces she has to pee and of course the next exit is 12 miles away.

*  Why is it that every morning as soon as I start to doze off from my 4 a.m. cat wake up call Anna crawls into my bed asking for a waffle?

*  Why is it that my children ignore, never ask for or play with a specific old toy for months but the day I throw it away they start looking for it, crying and carrying on that it was their favorite toy?

*  Why is it my kids are singing a song about how awesome daddy is for setting up their inflatable pool, yet I am the one sitting outside sweating my pregnant ass off while he is in the nice air-conditioning at work?

As I have previously covered in my blog, I am not a fan of the sun or the heat and I whole-heartedly believe I will meet my demise as a victim of spontaneous human combustion...this is going to be a long, hot summer for this pregnant lady....I am sure even LONGER for poor Chuck!!  I apologize in advance for what I can only imagine is going to be several months of cranky blog rants.  Consider yourself warned!!!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Run Mama Run!!

So my doctor has suggested that I increase my activity level during my pregnancy.  I have been trying really hard to walk more, eat healthy and generally take good care of me and my growing baby.  I even have a step counter to keep track of my activity level.  Well, yesterday I really took it to a whole new level.  I went running.  Yup, I went for a very fast paced jaunt through my yard.  Now you may be thinking, good for you...or, wow, way to step it up.  But let you in on a secret my friends...this run was not by choice.  I was running for my LIFE!!!  If you have been reading my blog all along you may remember that my yard has a lot of rock walls and natural rock formations.  It makes for a great yard for kids to play in but...it also means we have snakes.  Lots of snakes!!  Now, apparently my idea of a lot of snakes may not mathematically be a high order number.  But to someone terrified of snakes 1 is way too many.  Last year we spotted 3 snakes.  Caught 2 and one got chopped up in the lawn mower...really broken up about that one.  Chuck takes the ones he catches and throws them over the cliff at the edge of our yard.  So far this year we have already seen 2 really big ones!! It is only May 20th!!  We haven't even got through spring yet.  In my scientific estimation that means we are on track for a good 57,692 snakes this year alone!!  Sara said to me last year, "dad says if there is 1 snake there are a hundred!"...since we have already seen 2 that means there are 198 others lurking about!!  In my mind we are about 1 snake shy of being the "snake house"...Google it (at your own risk...it is disgusting)...I think it is time to call a realtor and maybe move to the city.

So back to yesterday.  Sara and I were heading out.  She went back in to get a sweater.  When we are walking out to the car I typically have the girls walk ahead of me and do a "snake check"...that way they can alert me to those slithering bastards.  If one is spotted my plan is to head back in the house forever, or at least until Chuck can take care of it.  Now, you may be thinking I am an awful mom for making the kids do the snake recon mission...I am an awful mom for many other reasons, but not that.  The girls like all that stuff...frogs, snakes...turtles...so there!  So I was on my own...I had a false sense of security...it was a rainy day I thought all the snakes would be in their snake houses.  I checked the right hand side of the wall where I have seen them in the past.  All clear.  I walk to the bottom of the stairs and there it was...a HUGE snake.  Coming right my way.  It was looking right at me and I swear I think it may have said, "Erin, I am going to get you" in a very creepy, menacing way.  Sara thinks I am lying about that, but I am 99% sure I heard it.  I am 100% sure my neighbors heard me screaming.  I turned and ran faster than I have ever run in my life up all the way into the house.  Now I am pregnant with huge boobs.  I don't run when I am not pregnant...but if outrunning this snake were an Olympic event I would have taken the gold!  I ran like the wind.  Keep in mind I am 21 weeks pregnant.  However, my belly is as big as if I were 51 weeks pregnant!  I think my heart is still beating about 300 beats per minute.  I am thinking that all the extra beats should count as extra exercise points.  You think my cardiologist would agree to that?

So up until now Chuck has been engaged in a catch and release program.  I think it is time to take a more drastic approach.  I think the perfect solution would be to remove all of the grass, trees, rocks and bushes and just replace it all with asphalt.  Then we can have the girls draw in flowers and rainbows with sidewalk chalk.  I doubt Chuck will go for that.  So I was told that mothballs will repel garter snakes.  Later today I am going on a mission to buy all of the moth balls in Central MA.  Sorry, but if you are looking to pack away your winter sweaters you are sh*t out of luck.  Anyone know where I can rent an 18 wheeler?  I am going to litter my yard like them until it looks like it is covered in sickeningly sweet smelling gumdrops .  I don't care that my house and yard are going to smell like an 89 year old woman.  It will be snake free!!  Until then I will carry a walking stick and send the girls out ahead of me...

PS- Last night every time I fell asleep I would dream about that effing snake...so now not only do I have to deal with them out in the yard...now they are invading my dreams...awesome...as if getting up to pee every 13 minutes weren't bad enough...


Saturday, May 18, 2013

How low can you go?

In terms of my parenting interventions turns out I can go pretty low.  So last night one of my children, who will remain nameless, had to go to the bathroom.  How do I know?  Simple...she was doing that thing where she sits really still and looks like she is concentrating really hard on something.  I asked her if she needed to go and I get the standard, "No", said with complete and utter disdain and of course the requisite roll of the eyes.  A few minutes later she is doing it again.  This time I tell her to go to the bathroom.  Oh no mom, I don't have to go.  Same thing a few minutes later.  I tell her she needs to at least go and try...that if she holds it too long she could get an infection.  Off she goes...I hear her go into the bathroom and close the door.  I was only about 8 feet away from the bathroom...after the door closes there is silence.  I don't hear her walking over to the toilet, I don't hear her moving around at all.  A mere few seconds later she comes out telling me she tried and she didn't have to go...of course adding that she was right and I was wrong...again! 

Shortly after her trip to the bathroom she is doing the weird sitting thing again.  I tell her to go to the bathroom again.  She reminds me that she doesn't have to go.  I ask her if she really tried...for real.  She said she did.  I told her to look me in the eye and I asked her if she went in, pulled down her pants and undies, sat on the toilet and actually tried.  Yup, she said.  I knew she was lying.  I am a mother...we ALWAYS know when they are lying.  Truth be told it was kind of chilling how she was able to look me right in the eye and without breaking her gaze tell a bold faced lie.  Again, truth be told I am not proud of the way I handled it.  I have my degree in child development, I have been a preschool teacher and I have worked with children for 20 years now...I am better than this.  But, I did it...I brought out the big guns.  I know that it is over 6 months away but I brought the man himself into the mix...Yup, good old S-A-N-T-A!  I did it... I asked her one more time, this time reminding her that Santa was listening.  I have never seen a child jump off the couch and run to the bathroom with such speed.  Now maybe it was because my allergies were making my head pound, maybe it was because I was pregnant and exhausted, maybe the thought of getting my huge belly off the couch to properly intervene and use this as a teachable moment about the importance of telling the truth was just too much work...either way, I got the result I wanted.  Sometimes the good old fashioned threat of Santa not coming is enough.  She went to the bathroom and I only had to exert a minimal amount of effort.   Behavior modification at its best.  Honestly, in the parenting world does it get any better? 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I am NOT Mother of the year...but I am still better than most!

How do I know that I am better than most moms?  Oh, that is an easy one.  I recently spent some time out in civilization and noticed that many parents are just mailing it in...that they really have no interest in their children at all.  Case in point...a few weeks ago I went to the Children's Museum with Anna.  Chuck took Sara out so they could do something special together...which of course was not special enough for Sara and she still is complaining about it.  Poor Chuck, he is an awesome dad and yet, Sara never cuts him any slack...but I digress...lets get back to the museum...

So Anna and I are hanging out having a blast.  Since it is just her she can go to whatever exhibit she wants and stay for as long as she wants.  No big sister telling her what she "really" wants to try out.  She was at the jumbo Light Bright for over 20 minutes...nice and relaxed trying out the clear pegs versus the opaque ones...putting them all the way in versus halfway in the home...learning all sorts of scientific lessons as she goes.  To me that is the whole idea of going to a children's or science museum; letting the children explore, experiment and learn at their own pace.  Apparantely I am completely wrong in my approach...the eitquite for interacting with your child at a children's museum is this...you rush your child over to a station shouting, "hey so-and-so, check this out!  Look what this does!" (then you show them exactly how said activity is supposed to be done, telling them the concept behind the science and then the second your child touches the activity for themselves you immediately rush them on to the next).  Turns out I am the one A-hole in the museum that actually paid attention to their child and let their child guide the visit and decide what they want to see and do.  Who knew but it turns out the complete museum experience is supposed to last 27 minutes from entrance to exit!  Anna and I stayed for about two and a half hours and I engaged her in making predicitions for the experiements, gave her time to try out the hypothesis and see what happens.  Man, am I sucker!!  I wasted two hours and three minutes!  Lesson learned for next time I suppose.  You're welcome...

So back to actually paying attention to your child...in all of the families we came across during our outing I can honestly say that beside myself there were only 2 other parents I noticed that actually had their eyes on their children.  Now, like my good friend Dawn F. says, "you don't always have to be your kids playmate!"...a sentiment that I wholeheartedly agree with.  When the girls are at home I do send them off to play together...without me.  If Sara complains that she is bored and needs someone to play with I remind her that is why we had another child...so she would always have a built in playmate.  If they are both bored and grumbling I remind them that they were born with an imagination and they need to use it and excersise it just like their regular muscles, if not it will shrivel up and go away...and that would be very sad because sometimes they like to pretend they work at a bakery and I let them have all sorts of real cookies and goodies and ooops, if they don't have an imagination anymore they would need to eat celery and carrots all the time.  Somehow that always snaps them out of their boredom.  But, back to the museum....if we go somewhere special I like to let them know it is a special event and I am happy to be there with them and to help them make a memory.  Also, when I take my children out into the world I make sure I keep an eye on them for the mere fact it is a crazy world and anything can happen in an instant.  Now, I am not super mom and if you have been reading my blog all along you know that I dropped out of the Mother of the Year race long ago and for the most part I think us moms should stick together and try to have the whole "we are all in this together" mantra...but there is one thing I can NOT stand...moms that ignore their kids while they have their face in their cell phone.  I see it all the time and it drives me nuts.  It was unbelievable at the museum...every single mom (minus one mom and one dad) in the ENTIRE museum were texting away.  Since I was actually paying attention to what was going on I witnessed a few interesting things...you may not all agree with the way I handled the situations but in my defense these parents really deserved the outcomes they got...

Situation #1.        In the pretend boat I noticed a little boy about 4 years old take off his shoe.  I saw him do it.  He started to walk away.  I told him that he should go get his shoe.  He looked at me like I were crazy.  Which, is good for a 4 year old...they should always look at a stranger that way.  I also saw his mom sitting in the corner texting away, never once looking up from the phone.  I know it was his mom (or caregiver) because besides Anna and I, they were the only other ones in the exhibit and they entered and exited together.  Since the mom never looked up and really didn't seem to care what her kid was doing I declined to mention to her that her son was sans shoe.  I saw them 15 minutes later a few exhibits down the hall and she finally noticed he lost his shoe.  Now I know I could have told her that his shoe was back in the boat but I didn't.  Maybe having to buy him a new pair of shoes will teach her to watch her kid a little better.  But then again, maybe not...she probably blamed it on the kid for being irresponsible and didn't take any ownership over shoegate...

Situation #2.     The next two situations happened in the water table room.  It is a big room with water tables shaped into rivers.  It is very cool and potentially very messy.  There was a boy about 3 years old playing with buckets of water.  He was filling them and emptying them, filling them and emptying them.  All the while he kept calling out to his mommy trying to get her to look at what he was doing.  She kept her face in her phone and would, "uh-huh" and "mmhhm" him over and over again.  She along with so many of the other parents would occassionally take a picture and then immediately text something.  I am sure they were posting it on Facebook or Instagram...putting some caption about their adventure.  I so wanted to hack into all their accounts and let the world know that yeah, they were techincially out with their child and yes, they were at this super cool place but in reality they were just checking status updates and totally ignoring thier kid.  I wanted to yell at them all, "Hey Jackasses, get out from behind your phone and be part of the memory you are posting about!"..soooo back to the little boy and the bucket of water...I am sure you can predict what happens next...after calling out to his mom over and over, he takes a bucket of water, hoists it up above his head and again, could I have stepped in and stopped him?  Yes.  Did I?  No.  Hey if she was so blantanly ignoring her kid she deserved to go home with a soaking wet kid.  Yes, I felt bad for the little boy and his dripping clothes but it was a pretty warm day.  Lesson learned lady...pay attention to your damn kid!!

Situation #3.   The last example also took place in the water room.  Now keep in mind there is only one way in and out and there is a museum staff person stationed there.  There was this pain in the ass kid who was a wicked spazz and all over the place.  Now if any parent needed to keep an eye on thier kid it was this one.  Once again the kid's mom was face down in her phone texting, playing a game or whatever the hell you do on them.  As you can probably tell I do not have a smart phone.  I actually think smart phones are making people dumb.  In my opinion society spends way too much time on them and people are forgetting how to have an actual face to face conversation.  If you are out enjoying society then enjoy it...really what are you texting anyway?  LOL?  IDK?  OMG?  is that more important than enjoying a memorable experience with your kid?  I want my kids to remember me having fun with them, playing with them. laughing with them...not shushing them away because I want to see George Takei's latest post.  I think there are 2 people that genuinely need to have their phone with them at all times.  The President and anyone waiting for a lifesaving organ transplant.  Case in point, I was hoping to have this post ready for Mother's Day but...one of my kids was sick and the other wanted to play Topple over and over again. I needed to be a mom and tend to the sick one and play with the little one.  But once again, I digress so...back to the water room at the museum...so this mom is totally ignoring her kid, he is all over the place, spilling water, being a total jerk of a kid and then he goes into the little book nook.  Mind you, it is still in the water room, just tucked in the corner and again, there is only one way in and out.  After about 3 minutes the mom finally notices that her son is no longer running, screaming and splashing water.  Then the panic sets in.  Now, maybe you will all think I am an A-hole, but, I didn't tell her where he was.  I knew he was safe and not truly missing but she deserved to have a minute or two of panic with the hope of maybe changing her parenting style to be one that focuses more on being a parent than being a social media junkie.  If her child went "missing" while she bent down to get something out of her bag or was tending to one of her other children I would have absolutely told her where he was.  I am not a total jackass.  Needless to say the spazzy kid did not stay in the book nook long and he made his presence known once again and of course the mom took no ownership of losing her child and blamed it all on him...

I am not saying I am the perfect parent.  I am not.  Not by a long shot.  Here is a recent comment I made on a Mother's Group...I think this pretty much sums up my parenting philosophy...

 Today at 8 a.m. my kids wanted snacks for their tea party, I gave them Oreo's. Even though my degree is in child development a standard answer around my house is "because I said so"...without a discussion of why. I don't buy organic, I think it is too expensive. I gave my 5 year old Coke the other day because she is desperate to be a teenager and that is what teens drink...she also likes to watch "The Middle"...I let her sometimes. I lie to my kids sometimes that the news says we have to stay in if I don't feel like taking them out to play in the snow. I sometimes take money out of their piggy banks to have change on hand when they "earn" it for doing chores. I don't let them win just because they are kids when we play a game. My anxious child overheard me say that I just want a normal kid . Am I the perfect parent? No...but none of us are.  

All that being said, Happy Mother's Day to all and to all a good night!!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Perception IS Reality...even when it isn't

So working in the healthcare field for a little over 12 years I have been on many committees that dealt with patient satisfaction, quality improvement and overall customer satisfaction.  What I have learned is that perception is reality...even when it is not.  A parent waiting with a sick child in the ER may not know that the medical staff is working hard to save a life...instead all they know is that they have been there for 4 hours and they are pissed.  They take that experience and put it out there in the community and soon the hospital is known for their long wait times, not for all the good work they do behind the scenes.  In my 5.5 years as a parent I have learned that it is much the same with my children.   Their perception is their reality...even though more often than not they are completely WRONG!!!  Here are some recent examples of how what my children perceive to be an absolute truth is completely off the mark...

Perception:  Chuck ruins everything!  Sara wanted to run when they were out for a walk.  Chuck said "no"...he also would not let them swing on the swings at the ball field... thereby ruining the walk.


Reality:  Before they went for the walk Chuck laid out the walk rules...just a quick walk around the block, no ball field, no swings...he was exhausted and not feeling well but the 3 of them compromised on the walk around the block.  The girls in fact repeated back to him that they were not going to the field.  Yeah, right...Somehow I knew that was going to come back to bite him in the ass, it is never enough for Sara...she always wants something more.  About the running...so Sara was running along the sidewalk.  Chuck asked her not to run to far ahead...that she was running right across driveways without looking...of course she had some smart answer for him...he said she needed to slow down so she wouldn't get hit by a car to which she answered, "I hope YOU get hit by a car!"  So in reality who really ruined the walk?  Chuck or Sara?

Perception:  I work too much.

Reality:  I only work 20 hours a week.  I am home with them every night at bedtime, I am here every morning for breakfast and I only miss 2 lunches and 3 dinners a week.  If they are not home with me they are with Chuck and just once a week they are with my mother in law.  Not too bad.  Plus, if I were home with them full time I really don't think they would like me quite as much and I can almost guarantee I would not like them quite as much!

Perception:  Katy Perry is the most talented singer in the world...EVER!!

Reality:  I think I have plenty of experience to answer this one.  The reason being we listen to her CD EVERYTIME we are in the car.  We have to listen to "Firework" and "Katy Perry" (which in case you don't know is what California Girls is really called...at least according to Anna, she is insistent on that)...over and over again.  I am no Kasey Kasem...or I guess these days the relevant reference is  probably Ryan Seacreast but I can say with almost 100% certainty Katy Perry is not the most talented singer in the world.  As a side note the girls really get into Firework and I actually over heard them singing an accoustic version, complete with Sara on guitar...again, I can say with almost 100% certainty that my children are also not the most talented singer in the world.

Perception:  I don't want Sara to ever do anything fun with her friends.

Reality:  I would LOVE for Sara to branch out and actually have some fun with her friends.  Her perception stems from an incident last week.  She came with me to her very first bridal shower...she was so excited and couldn't wait.  The next day while waiting in the school yard she saw 3 of her friends with medals on from a running race the day before and she heard the kids talking about the race.  She asked me about it.  I told her the race was the same day as the shower and sometimes we need to make choices, sometimes the choices might be hard to make but their will be another race next year but there will not be another bridal shower for her auntie...she gets it, but....it is 5 days later and she has brought it up everyday since.  So once again somehow I am the a-hole that ruined her life.

Perception:  Chuck doesn't take care of the girls when they are sick.

Reality:  It was 3 in the morning.  Anna woke up coughing, sneezing and crying from allergies.  Chuck took her to the bathroom, helped blow her nose, gave her medicine and put her back to bed.  The next morning I was chatting with Anna and said how it was so nice that daddy took such good care of her.  She said, "Mommy, daddy gave me medicine and  rubbed my back for ONLY 1 minute!  Do you think that really sounds like taking good care of someone?"  Poor Chuck...he can't win.

Perception: I am a big, fat, huge monster.

Reality:  The other day Sara told me that one of the preschool teachers came back from maternity leave.  She said that her belly was flat and why did it look like she never had a baby.  I told her that once the baby comes out your body starts to go back to the way it was.  She looked me straight in the eye and said, "well, how come that didn't happen to you after you had Anna?".  Thanks Sara!  For the record this teacher is naturally tall and thin.  I am not.  However, I did lose all the baby weight PLUS an extra 10 pounds...take that Sara!!  Yes, technically it took me 3 years to lose the weight and if I were not pregnant right now I would still be rocking the skinny jeans...I did buy some skinny maternity jeans...thank you Jessica Simpson and Heidi Klum...oh, as a side note for my pregnant friend they make maternity spanx...you're welcome!



So even though none of what they perceive to be reality is in fact the whole truth...when they want something or if I do something nice for them they tell me that I am the best mom ever...and yes, my friends that is THEIR perception and THEIR reality and that I can say is 100% true!!!