So here we are, sitting at home, isolated due to a global pandemic. That sounds like a funny way I would have started a blog post in the past. Unfortunately as everyone knows that sadly is the truth. About a month ago a few of us were chatting at the bus stop. One of the moms told us a family member told her to stock up on food and essential supplies as we were heading into uncharted waters. I laughed at the idea and thought it was overkill. Joke was on me because here we are, stuck in home, limiting our trips to the store, only going when absolutely necessary.
Some women are made to be a stay at home mom and I think that is great. I always knew working outside of the home made me a better mom. I love my children fiercely but this home confinement has confirmed what I always knew; if I were an animal of lesser intelligence such as a hamster, I would eat my young.
In the beginning I was like all the other ambitious parents that printed off a Covid 19 Daily schedule. We were going to stay on top of the kid's school work, stay engaged and really make the most of this extra, bonus family time. Didn't last long. In fact, the other night I sat alone in my car, in a parking lot for over an hour because I was afraid if I stayed in my house one minute longer someone would die. I honestly want to throat punch people posting about all the baking they are doing so their children can use their emerging math skills, going on a nature hike to learn about local flora and fauna or how they are having these cozy family game nights where everyone is getting along and sharing their feelings. I'll let you in on a little secret; it is like the Goddamned Lord of the Flies over here at the Lavallees. The first day or two they were into doing some school work, or so they thought. Sara (12) would spend the first 47 minutes complaining that Emily (6) should be doing more than just coloring sheets, that even though in Kindergarten she should be doing real work. The other 3 minutes she would text me complaining that I liked the other 2 more than her. Emily would happily work on her packet, singing and humming while getting death glares from Anna. The same Anna that claimed to be doing work in Google Classroom, but, since she was sitting on the couch in the living room, with a decorative mirror above her I could clearly see she was watching Youtube videos instead. Once they caught on that these assignments were optional and none of it would be graded I lost all control. The amount of protesting, screaming, crying and carrying on wasn't worth it anymore. Now I know some of you are thinking; For God's Sake Erin, you are the parent. You are in charge. They shouldn't dictate what goes on in the house. Normally I would agree but this time I just gave up. I did, I threw in the towel. It all is too much. All of it. The gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks last week. Our amazing school teachers put together a teacher parade. We were all excited for it, I mean it was the only thing we have had to look forward to in a while. We made signs, we got showered and dressed and we went out to wait for them. It was so exciting to hear the parade enter our neighborhood. When the first car came into sight tears starting streaming down my face. It made it all so real. Our kids are not in school. I am not at work. Nothing is the way it is supposed to be. People are getting sick. People are dying. People are losing their jobs. Businesses are closing. I can't see my dad, my family, my friends. My children are missing their teachers, their friends, their routines. It is too much. The tears wouldn't stop. I cried that whole afternoon and have cried at least once a day since. It is all too f-ing much.
The school work is too much- I am not good with technology baseline. Throw in any amount of stress and I am done. There is way too much information being thrown at me; the class Facebook pages have posts every 3 minutes from the superintendents, principals, vice principals, teaching teams, individual teachers, specialty teachers, the PTA, random school staff members I have never heard of, school clubs all giving activities/assignments that the kids can do. What is required? What is optional? Then on top of the Facebook pages I have apps for all the kid's schools as well pining notifications left and right. I have 3 children at 3 different schools. My head looked like a cartoon character that gets all steamed up and is about to explode. I turned everything off and we have done nothing for several days. Literally no school work. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. I have started reaching out to the individual teachers asking for a "school work for dummies" list of what they need to be doing. Nothing more, nothing less. I can't friggin stand the people who are posting pictures of their kids doing all these extra projects. Like one of the memes I saw said; they aren't passing out awards for the best homeschool mom. I am literally trying to get through the day without yelling something at my kids that will psychologically scar them for the rest of their lives. This is coming from someone with a degree in child development, someone who has worked with children and families in crisis for over 20 years. I am losing my shit left and right, I really feel for those parents in the same position that don't have a background that involves showing patience with children that are anxious, scared and overwhelmed. This is all just too much.
The social distancing is too much- I have congenital heart defects that could potentially put me at greater risk of getting really sick if I contract Coronavirus. I have a child with an autoimmune disorder whose flares are triggered by respiratory infections so she is at greater risk as well. We are taking this very seriously. We have to, not just for our immediate family but for all of the vulnerable people in our community. It sucks staying home. I get it. I would much rather be out and about socializing with friends and families but I am doing what has been asked of us and what is the responsible thing to do. I have had to take a break from Facebook for a few days. I have quickly been losing respect for people and I had to step back before I post or say something that would tick a lot of people off. I get so angry when I see people walking around/hanging out/posting selfies with people that are not in their immediate family. I want to scream WTF are you doing? If I am stuck home with a hormonal, moody, preteen with diagnosed anxiety disorder and an autoimmune disorder and am financially sacrificing for the greater good of my community stay your ass home!! Why do some people think they are so entitled like the recommendations don't apply to them? I know 3 people that have been hit with this virus. It is no fucking joke. The longer you assholes are still going around like nothing is happening the longer this virus will be around. Why is that so hard to understand? Just because you don't feel sick doesn't mean you aren't a carrier or aren't infected and just not showing symptoms yet. I have heard people say, well we don't have Coronavirus so we can't give it to anyone. These are so called intelligent people, I don't get it. I am learning some people I know are really ignorant idiots. I hope to get back online soon. I was having fun posting silly memes and I know people were looking forward to my daily meme dumps. I just am too sad the past few days. I am just too overwhelmed the past few days. I am just too angry the past few days. It is all too much.
The financial instability is too much- I am out of work temporarily. That means I am not getting paid. I am 47 years old and had to file for unemployment for the first time. I finally heard back from them yesterday and the amount I am going to receive is just about half of what I normally bring home each week. I keep hearing about the extra $600 from the federal government to supplement those receiving unemployment but when I finally spoke to a live person from the Unemployment Department they had no idea about it and if and when it is happening how they would even get it out to people, so that was not reassuring in the least. Chuck's work is reliant solely on the economy. If the economy is tanking so is his work. No or limited construction projects mean no great need for electrical engineers. So instead of laying people off his company has decided to temporarily reduce salaries. So between the both of us we are losing close around $2,600 a month. That is just too much. I have been trying to get in touch with our mortgage company to see about a forbearance, but they aren't taking phone calls, everything has to be done online. Same with the banks that hold our car loans, no one to talk to in person, all online. So here we are at the first of the month when our mortgage is due just waiting for something, anything from our mortgage company. Hopefully they are willing to work with us. If not, I hope all of you asshats that aren't taking this social distancing seriously are the first ones to donate when I set up a Go-Fund me to pay our bills. I have been paying attention, I know who you are. For those of you who may be thinking why don't you have any money saved for emergencies? Due to those aforementioned congenital heart defects that decided to rear their ugly heads last fall, combined with several other unforeseen medical issues that resulted in an unplanned surgery, multiple x-rays, scans, doctors visits and procedures any rainy day fund we had was depleted.
The worry is too much- I am worried about staying afloat financially if this shutdown goes longer than April. I am worried that someone I love gets this virus. I am worried that I might get it when I am at the grocery store. I am worried that I will then pass it to my children. I am worried about my children's academic future. One of my kids struggles academically. Will she be able to keep up next year after missing so much work this year? I am worried about the psychological impact this is having on my children. We try not to show stress and fear in front of them but children are perceptive. They can sense it. I am worried about the psychological impact on me. I am worried about my relationships with my girls and my husband. This is A LOT of togetherness, with little opportunities to find time alone. We are getting on each others nerves. A. LOT. I worry about my health. I am a stress eater and I have put on almost all the weight I had lost. I worry about the children at my school. Are we going to have to start over at square one with routines again? Will relationships that have been fractured over how people are handling this virus or where they stand on how the administration is handling the crisis be mended? I am worried that I am missing out on valuable time/memories with extended family. I am worried about my friends that work in the ER that don't have the protective equipment they need, or any of my friends in the medical field whatever department they work in for that matter. I miss working in a hospital a lot, but I am so grateful I am not in a hospital setting right now. I worry the cereal box I take off the grocery shelf was just touched by someone with the virus right before I came along. I worry my kids will look back on this time years from now and only remember me yelling at them to get some school work done and not remember the chalk drawings and afternoon drives we take. I just worry about it all. I am not one that worries about things I can't control but this feels so different and I can't stop worrying. I usually can find the humor in any situation but the past few days have been hard. F-ing hard. I am hopeful this will pass and I know I will find humor in everyday life again soon, but not today. Today it is all too much. I don't want anyone thinking I am going to jump off the deep end. I am not. I am just having a pity party today. I am allowing myself to feel what I feel and not make apologies for it but I know it is not good to wallow for too long and I promise I will be back to my regular fluff filled blog posts soon. In the meantime, wash your hands and stay the F- HOME!!!
