Friday, August 16, 2013

Heidi Klum is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Yeah, I am going there.  I know that Ms. Klum, the host of Project Runway and now America's Got Talent is beloved by many...but not by me.  Let me tell you why.  In addition to being an iconic super model and TV host she designs maternity clothes.  Now I know that at 5 foot 1 my hopes of ever being a supermodel are long since dashed, but, for some reason I thought by purchasing and donning clothes designed by a super model I would somehow transform into one...sadly that did not happen.

This is my last pregnancy.  I wanted to do it right this time and that included dressing the part.  When I was pregnant the first time around I bought anything marked "maternity" whether it looked good or not.  That was 6 years ago...not a huge amount of time, but in terms of fashion a lifetime.  Back then the style for maternity wear was boxy and loose with the shirts tying in the back.     I get a big belly.  No other way to describe it.  My ankles are still chicken ankles... it is an odd look.  But that is what I have to work with.  So add to that unique look the boxy, flowy style and I looked like a bell.  I swear when I would rock side to side you could hear a faint "ding, dong."  Fast forward to 2013 and a 40 year old me.  I wanted to rock the pregnancy look....embrace it if you will.  Now, I am well aware that when I step out my door to see the world, the world also sees me.  I try to make a slight effort when out and about. Disclaimer; this does not apply to morning preschool drop off...I mean wasn't that what baseball hats were created for?

So shopping the maternity stores I have noticed that the look is a more fitted, show off the belly look.  OK.  I can do that.  Also, fashion designers are in on the game.  I get a bunch of stuff.  Not bad I think.  I push the envelope and get a dress for my brother's wedding.  It is white and navy striped, fitted and fashion forward.  I think to myself, "it doesn't look horrible" so I am pretty happy.  I tried it on for Chuck when I get home and the first words out of his mouth were, "wow, horizontal stripes...that is a bold choice for a pregnant woman."  He claimed he was just kidding and he very well may have been but I tend to believe gut reactions in myself so I extend that to everyone.  I ended up wearing the striped dress to the rehearsal dinner and chose a simple "little" black dress...yes, I know that description is ironic.

So my belly expands and I need some more clothes.  This time I enlist the help of Heidi Klum.  I get some of her skinny jeans and tops to go with them.  I think I am looking good.  I feel like I should be in a maternity magazine.  Heidi's pants have the word "LOVED" embroidered on the big stretchy belly band.  So every time you pull them up you see it.  That is the name of her maternity clothing line.  Loved.  At first I think, oh, how sweet.  The growing baby ensconced in my womb is loved.  Not only do I know that intrinsically, but now my pants tell me so!  Well, as time went on and I spent time interacting in the real world I realized that there was a different meaning to the embroidered word.  A more sinister meaning.  The truth behind the phrase really means Heidi "loved" the fact she could pull the wool over your eyes.  Yeah, turns out I do not look like a super model.  I mentioned I am short and way back in another post I described my pregnant self as looking like a Volkswagon Bug tipped in its side.  Apparently, it doesn't matter who designs my maternity clothes...even a super model...I still look enormous.  But, I do have to hand it to is a brilliant advertising agencies dream.  A tall, beautiful super model hawking clothing to average, American pregnant ladies.  I went for it hook, line and sinker.  How did I figure out the look wasn't working for me?  Two reasons; 1.  There was another guy, who has gone through several pregnancies with his wife, so he knows that you need to be somewhat sensitive when broaching a pregnant ladies size...  Well, I come around a corner just as he is walking out and he says, "Wow!  Erin you are REALLY pregnant!!  That shirt really puts it out there!"  I had a new shirt on.  It was red and white striped...the stripes were "V" shaped with the point of the V pointing down.  I paired it with my white skinny jeans.  They were both from the "Loved" collection.  I tried it on in the store...I wasn't sure about it, I thought I really liked it but had some reservations.  I thought the colors slightly resembled a circus tent.  But nope, the saleslady reassured me it looked amazing and really pulled me together.  So I got it.  Remember when I said I should have trusted my gut?  Yeah, I should have.  Now every time I see that shirt all I can hear is "dut, dut, duta-dut, dut, dut, duta-dut"...cue the circus music.

So while on vacation I threw caution to the wind and wore that outfit again when we went out to dinner.  Sara took my picture.  I was floored when I saw it.  Horrified may be a more apt description.  She took the picture from her vantage point.  Holy sh*t!!!  That is what I look like to my children?  And the children of the world?  I am shocked that parents did not shield their children's eyes as I passed by...or at least warn them to not look directly at me as their corneas may burn out.  There was nothing loving about this look.  You will be happy to know that the red and white shirt has never seen the light of day again.  I am thinking of putting it on ebay and selling it as a circus tent.  Maybe I can make some of my money back?

So I have given up on Heidi Klum...turns out she is not the sweet, loving being she portrays to the world.  She is an evil, vain women who designs clothes to highlight others imperfections in an effort to make sure no one else looks as good as she does.  She wants all the glory for herself.  B*tch.  So I have moved on...I have started wearing Jessica Simpson maternity clothes.  Yeah, she wore a lot of mumus when she was with child but surprisingly her maternity clothes are quite fashionable and designed with real women in mind.  I have received so many compliments on her she may play the part as a dumb blond, but to that I say, well played Jessica, well are smart like a wonder you are worth a billion dollars.

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