Tuesday, July 14, 2015

My children...a constant source of embarrassment!

So as any parent of young children knows, your children will embarrass you like it is their job!!  Here are just a few recent situations where my children have made me want to curl up in the fetal position and just ignore the world.
  • I was at the store recently and was asking the manager where a certain item was located.  I was holding Emily and not really paying that much attention to her.  Mistake #1!  She was kind of fiddling with my shirt.  Anyway, when I walked away and put her back in the shopping cart I noticed she had managed to pull my shirt down and get it lodged under my bra strap.  ON THE BOTTOM!!  So a whole boob was out on display for the world to see.  Thankfully I was in Wal-Mart and since that is kind of the Wal-Mart shoppers uniform no one seemed to notice.
  • Again, this one takes place at a store.  Shaws to be exact.  I was just running to the store to grab a few things.  I had a list with everything I needed.  Anna asked to be in charge of the list.  Sure I said.  So we were in the frozen food aisle trying to decide on ice-cream.  Sara and I are down at one end and Anna and Emmie are in the cart at the other end.  Anna starts reading items from the list.  “Mom, do have paper towels?”  Yep.  “Mom, did you get Crystal Light yet?” Yeah.  “Hey mom, what does T-A-M-P-O-N-S spell?”  Of course she asks this when a guy walks into the aisle.  He immediately turns around and walks away.  I walk over to her and tell her it spells tampons.  She asks what they are.  I tell her…they already know because as a mother I never get a second to myself…not even in the bathroom.  They know all there is to know about being a girl.  So I walk back to the ice-creams and they she says in her Irish Whisper…”So mom, did you get the tampons yet?”  Yes Anna.  “Where are the tampons?  What box are they in?”.  I wanted to die.  So Anna has also recently started using air quotes.  So as we turn into the really crowded bread aisle she asks me if I got my “tampons” with air quotes.  I told her yes, I already told you I did.  She says “Oh, OK…you got your ‘tampons’” in air quotes again.  I am getting the oddest looks from people. They are probably thinking I used the word tampon as a cover for what I was really purchasing.  Like I wrote tampons on the list but I was really buying Jiff Peanut Butter or something.  Like I would use that as my code word!  I will stick to having Chuck do the grocery shopping. 
  • I took the girls to go see the new movie Inside Out…AWESOME by the way.  Towards the end they get a new control panel.  One of the buttons says “PUBERTY” on it.  Anna blurts out kind of loud, “what is puberty?”  I try to explain quickly and quietly because I didn’t want to miss the movie.  So Sara hears me and she chimes in asking what puberty is.  There was a dad in front of me with his 2 small daughters, younger than mine.  He kind of chuckles at my expense.  I just wanted to tell him to wait…just wait…they are cute and innocent now, but once they are a little older they are going to ask you the most embarrassing stuff at the absolute worst time.  But you know what?   I didn’t warn him.  I decided that for his little laugh I am going to let him figure it out the hard way.  Hey dad, check back in with me in say 3 years.  Then we’ll talk!
  • Another shopping anecdote... Anna (I am starting to see a trend here) and I were out shopping.  I needed a good sports bra.  So we head to Dick’s Sporting Goods to get one.  I find the sales girl and enlist her help.  She tells me they don’t sell my size here but I should try the biggest one they have…it should work.  OK I say.  I mean she is a teenager making minimum wage at the local mall.  She is probably an expert when it comes to properly fitting women for sports bras.  Right, what could go wrong?  So I try the first one on…it is a super cute pink one that zips up the front.  I put it on and there is a good 5 inch gap from side to side.  The teenager told me it should work despite being about 4 sizes too small.  I go for it.  Anna looks at me and says, “Are you sure you want to do that?”  Oh, and keep in mind, it is a single dressing room right in the middle of the store.  It is open on the top so anyone walking by can hear you.  I should have taken heed when a 5 year has a look of concern on her face.  I zip it up, I may or may not have cracked a rib or two in the process…my boobs are pushed so far up my torso my head is resting right on them.  I could barely breathe.  I feel like I look like a zit about to pop.  Anna is laughing hysterically.  “Mommy, you have no neck anymore…can you even move your head?”  she asks between laughing fits.  So I take that one off and try another one.  This one is a simple black racer back one that you pull over your head.  It was a cluster f*ck from the get go.  I get stuck in it.  Literally stuck.  One boob is stuck up over my shoulder and the other one has some managed to get stuck under my arm and around to my back.  Anna is in tears now.  I am trying to stay calm…I don’t want to start sweating…then I would have to buy this $68 sports bra that clearly does not fit.  I am now convinced the sales girl is a jack ass and probably bored out of her mind so she takes advantage of poor overweight suburban moms like me and convinces us to shove ourselves into these spandex human torture devices so she can get a cheap laugh.  Ha-f*cking-Ha-Ha bitch!  So Anna starts walking over to the door, she is laughing so hard and saying she is going to get the girl to help me get it off.  Oh sweet Jesus!  NO!!!  I would rather be hauled out of here in a body bag than ask the Dick’s staff for help.  I make Anna help me.  She is trying her best but she is laughing so hard she is no use.  It takes me, no word of a lie, 3 full minutes to get out of it.  It felt more like 30!  I didn’t bother trying the 3rd bra on.  Oh, and I left all three of them in the dressing room, inside out, not on their hangers.  Also, as I was walking out of the sports bra section I mixed up a bunch of the sizes/styles as I passed by.  Take that you ass-clown!  Two can play that game!
I wish I could say these are infrequent occurrences.  But I can’t.  They happen all the time.  Thankfully I have a good sense of humor and laugh them off.  I do however keep a mental note of each and every one of them.  There is going to come a time, really soon, when my children will be embarrassed just to be seen with me, and when that time comes I am ready…and all I can say to my children is; Payback is a Bitch!!

No comments:

Post a Comment