I really hope you said that in the sing-song voice of Dory from Finding Nemo. If you didn't you might want to go back and have a do-over. I'll give you a minute...OK, so you are probably thinking to yourself, keep squeezing what? You are going to have to wait to find out, but, oh my friends it will be SO worth it!!
I have been under an indescribable amount of stress lately. The intense pressure has been manifesting itself in various ways, one being ocular migraines. For me the migraines have been coming much more frequently, several a week. Now, unlike a traditional migraine, I may or may not get the intense headache...each event is different. What I do get is this strange change in my eyesight. I get this odd shaped spot in my field of vision that makes everything appear to me as if I am looking through a prism or kaleidoscope. It can last anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour. Most times I get an odd sensation a few minutes before it is going to happen, which is helpful so I can pull over if I am driving or stop doing anything that might not end well with my kaleidoscope eye. No need to worry, I have been worked up by a top-notch Neuro-Opthamologist at the Brigham. They are just text book ocular migraines, for whatever that's worth.
So I get on the shuttle for work the other day. I hate being a shuttle person! I have been at all 3 hospitals I have worked at, maybe someday I will stay somewhere long enough to earn a spot in the employee garage. Until then I am a lowly shuttle person! So back to the story, I take my seat on the shuttle and out of nowhere I get my wanky eye. This one is a doozy! It came on so fast and so strong I was hit by an intense wave of nausea. Awesome! F*cking awesome! Not only am I on the smelly, hot, gross shuttle, but seated next to me are the friggin lovebirds...a couple that drive to work together, sit next to each other and hold hands the entire ride...they also come in later in the day so all three of us get to spend 8 minutes in hell together twice a week. They make me sick. I want to somehow fast forward their life 10 years and 3 kids later. Guaranteed they will not be sitting together on the shuttle at that point. I can, with the utmost certainty, say that one of them will "pretend" to leave something in the car so as to have to take the next shuttle.
But back to my incredible urge to puke. I REFUSE to get sick on the shuttle. That will get me remanded to the shuttle forever. They would never accept me into the employee lot after that. Puking on the shuttle is just bad form, not at all the behavior one would expect from an elite parker. So I hold it in. BAD MOVE. I should have listened to the warning signs. My throat tightening, sweat beading on my temples and the little throw up in my mouth that came up by accident. But, NOOOOO, I ignored all the signs my body was giving me it needed to purge itself. BIG MISTAKE!!! BIG ONE!! My body shot back with a big ol' F- You Erin! It was in that moment I learned a valuable life lesson; listen to your body. My body was pissed at me, in a way I have never seen before. "Well, Erin", it said, "since you aren't doing this the easy way, I''ll show you who is boss". It no sooner got through telling me that when my body attempts a coup d'etat, which is the sudden and forced seizure of a state....in this case my bowels...
So my body was going to purge one way or another. I should have just opened my mouth and let it flow, but, no, I was too good for that. Well, now I am only 1 minute into an 8 minute ride. This is perfect. I am looking through a friggin kaleidoscope, sweating and about to sh*t myself in front of the flippin bobsie twins next to me. At least it would give them something to talk about on the ride home. So as I am squeezing my ass cheeks together (see I told you it would be worth the wait) we hit traffic. Could have predicted that one. So we are creeping along at about negative zero miles an hour my innards are being twisted all about. If I had to draw a picture of it, it would look something like a really long Gogurt twisted in loops and with each squeeze the yogurt is getting that much closer to slipping out. I have no ass to speak of, it is pretty flat, but man even in the throws of this crisis I am pretty impressed with it's ability to hold things in check.
So finally the traffic breaks up and we are cruising along at about 5 miles an hour....for the love of all that is Holy, why is this 8 minute ride turning into a 20 minute test of my ass's endurance? I swear I can never catch a break!! OK, so we are one street away from the hospital. It has to be the most narrow street in all of the city. Cars are parked on both sides of the street so in essence only one can get through at a time. At this point I am doing all I can not to scream out in pain, despair and utter contempt for what the world has been throwing at me lately. So wouldn't you know some country bumpkin decides at this exact moment, at this exact time to perfect her parallel parking skills. For the love of God lady, just let the shuttle bus go by first. Nope...at this point her attempt at parking in a spot that is about 4 feet too short for her station wagon, took a good 6 attempts. Oh and her and the other old bittie in the car were laughing with each bad attempt. I had a good mind to jump off the shuttle, open her car door and lay into her with a primal scream releasing all of the built up stress and then dropping trow and full on sh*t on her face. I guarantee it would wipe that stupid smile off their faces right quick. But, alas, I did not because I knew the second I stood up I would channel my inner Uta Pippig, you know that lady that won the Boston Marathon multiple times, but is only remembered for pooping herself on live TV? That would be me. The big take away from this is; if you don't know how to parallel park, then DON"T!!!! You're welcome!
So after what feels like an eternity we arrive at the hospital. I somehow make it off the shuttle, up the stairs, into the hospital and end up at the elevator bank. I say somehow because I am not entirely sure how I managed to get there. I don't know if my body was shutting down and natural endorphins kicked in while I transitioned, because I was almost certain I was going to die and that is how I made it to the elevators. Or maybe, my primal brain took over and was on a mission to get me to the bathroom. I guess I will never know. So as I am hunched over with intense stomach cramps, sweat now dripping off my face, my ass cheeks clenched and my kaleidoscope eyes an old lady comes over to me with tears in her eyes asking where the ER is. ARE. YOU. F*CKING. KIDDING. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I scream really loudly in my head). Now I like to consider myself a genuinely nice person and I always, always go out of my way to help lost visitors in the hospital. This one time though I really didn't have it in me, OK, well I did have it in me and it was trying it's best to get out. I did end up taking her because, although I consider myself a nice person there is that small percentage of me that is cynical. Was she really looking for the ER? Or was she sent there by the administration to see how well the employees are with customer service. So I tell her through my clenched teeth that I would take her. So I am hobbling around hunched over, shuffling along so as not to give any leeway in my butt, lest I have an accident right there in the hallway. Oh, and with my wanky eyesight, I have to really try hard to focus my vision on the object I am looking at. So I have to cock my head in weird positions, close each eyelid to differing lengths and get really close to it. So considering that, my posture and the sweat at this point pouring off of me I looked like a crazed heroin addict. Remember all the druggies in the old movie New Jack City? Yeah, I could have been a stand in.
Finally get on the elevator, get to work, avoid all eye contact with anyone in my way and shuffled my clenched ass down to the good bathroom, the single bathroom right before the locker room. I can not thank the walking upright Gods enough for getting me here without an accident. I no sooner sit my ass on the toilet and, drum roll please.....NOTHING!!!! NADA! NYET! The urge to go to the bathroom went away like it was never even there. I sh*t you not!! Pun intended! The ass that got me this far, holding itself together for a good 18 minutes was betraying me? Son of a f-ing bitch!!! I went to hell and back for nothing? No reward. No closure. Not even a nugget. I have never been so disappointed yet so relieved all at the same time. So I guess the take away from this is; my ass really came through in the clench!!