Sunday, February 28, 2016

And the Winner is...drum roll please....

Sadly, not me.  I have waited patiently to receive news that I won "Mother of the Year 2015",  alas, it is the end of February, the call never came... time for my concession speech.

In reflecting on my parenting choices this past year there may be a few instances where I may have missed the mark.  The following are some examples where I may or may not have been 1) a lazy parent, 2) a tired parent, or 3) an a$$hole parent.  You be the judge...

*  I have continued my tradition of blaming my laziness on the news.  "Oh, girls, the news said it was too -blank- to go outside today.  You can fill the blank in with anything really; too hot, too cold, too windy, too snowy, too humid, too get the picture.  I think this trick will no longer be up my sleeve since Sara now has starting watching the news.  Victoria R.,  I may be calling on you to film some "newscasts" for future use.

*  There may have been a time or two when I blamed our dog, Mary Alice, for destroying some of the girls school worksheets or those crappy McDonald toys.  When you are a parent and you are caught throwing away anything that belongs to your child, no matter how craptastic it is, you have to think FAST!  They can never know you were willingly throwing away their sh*t or they will lose theirs!  My go to since June has been the dog.  Since our dog eats everything she finds (a blog for another day...I promise) it is not out of the realm of possibility.  To further my cause I tear the pages up to make them look eaten. If it involves one of my children who is especially sensitive I sometimes make my dog an unwitting accomplice and get her to chew on it before placing it in the trash.  That's horrible, I know.

*  One of my kids got a new pair of super soft pants for Christmas.  She liked them so much she declared she was going to wear them for the rest of the year.  I always encourage my girls to set goals and do their best to achieve them.  Who am I to discourage ones dream?  Plus what is a few days of poor hygiene when you have a lifetime to bathe? 

*  Emily, my youngest will be 2 1/2 in a few weeks.  She still drinks a bottle.  Truth be told, lots of bottles.  I have a degree in child development.  I know it is wrong.  Do I care? No!  Is it because I am lazy? Yes!  Did I lie to her pediatrician at 18 months and say she was bottle free? Yes!  If anyone tells my pediatrician I am a fraud will I deny I am the author of this blog? TO THE END OF THE EARTH!  Oh, and for any Judgy McJudgertons out there...she still sleeps with me too!

* As a 43 year old woman I still have the sense of humor of a pre-pubescent boy.  I wear that badge proudly.  Farts are funny.  Always have been, always will be.  I have made it one of my parenting missions to instill the love of flatulence in my offspring.   Picture this, our family is sitting around in cozy jammies, the snow is softly falling outside, the electric fireplace glowing...then the stillness is broken by a long, loud fart.  The fart was not by accident, it came from a jar of Flart.  A slime like substance that when squeezed makes very, realistic fart noises.  We all took turns that snowy day, squeezing the flart and squealing with delight from each new noise we heard.  I was never more proud of my 2 year olds vocabulary than I was that day.  She used descriptive words well beyond her years; silent, wet, airy, squishy...If that family scene does not make you immediately think of Norman Rockwell, then you, you my friend are un-American!

*  My children hold me in high esteem, they have high expectations of what I should do for them. 
As their mother I try my best to meet or exceed their expectations.  There are times though when I fall short.  Emily joins me in the bathroom all the time.  She likes to dictate how I pee.  A loud pee is when you can hear it tinkle in the water.  A quiet one, as you can imagine just silently melts into the toilet water.  God help us all if I can not pee on her command.  If there is any tinkle when she requests a quiet one, she loses her sh*t same holds true for her request of a loud one and there is no splash back.  As her mother it breaks my heart not to make her happy, but there is no way to control the volume of your pee.   Now, friends, I know the next time you have the urge to pee you will try to prove me wrong.  I have tried many times.  Don't waste your time.  You're welcome!

In the same vain, you can not make your pets fart on command either.  One day Mary Alice farted next to me.  Emily wanted Mary to pass gas on her too.  Mary was not cooperating.  Emmie was ticked off!  The must have been out of gas and somehow Emily was mad at me!!  Once again, her expectations were not met, and for that my standings in the Mother of the Year contest were lowered. 

 There is always next year I suppose!  So far I am off to a good start!!  Chuck on the other hand is already out of the running for Father of the Year 2016.  Why you ask?  Oh, because last night he was watching TV with Emily when that commercial for cold medicine came on, you know the one with the ball of snot that walks around talking?   Well, in Emily's eyes her daddy can do anything.  She asked him to take boogers out of her nose and make a boogie guy.  Emily threw a fit for about 20 minutes when he tried explaining that he couldn't make a mucous man out of her snot.  Turns out her dad is a huge A-hole too!  I guess I am good company! 

Maybe we can be the Meh- Parents of the Year 2016?!

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