So why after all these years have I decided I needed some happy little trees back in my life? I have insomnia. I have had it for years. I decided I didn't want to take meds to help me sleep anymore. They made me feel like I was in a fog. My therapist told me I should find a good meditation CD to listen to at night. Wait? What? You thought I was able to get through this crazy life on my own? Oh, Bless your heart! I have the best therapist. It took me a while to find her. I had some doozies in the past. One guy was really good. I liked him a lot but he always used sports analogies I didn't understand. I would have to try to remember them and in what context he used it then go home and Google it to find out what exactly he was telling me. Too much work. One of my first therapists years ago had a lobster hand. I sh*t you not! Her hand was shaped like a lobster claw. It is a hand condition called Ectrodactyly. Now, if you know me I have no issues with differences or different abilities in people. But this was a tough situation. So instead of focusing on getting my mental health needs met, all I could do throughout each session was to make sure I wasn't looking at her hand and focusing on making sure I was not making HER feel uncomfortable. It was exhausting and instead of working out my issues I was only creating more for myself AND paying big bucks for it. I only lasted a few sessions with her....
Anyway, I digress...back to my post. So I tried a few of those relaxation apps with middle aged British ladies describing a babbling brook or long meadow grass blowing gently in the breeze. I tried I did, but it is not my thing. So I decided to give Bob Ross a try. I always found his voice soothing. Turns out Bob Ross is not as sweet and innocent as I remember. The fact is, he is a dirty, dirty man.
Now I know mostly stoners watch his show and maybe he caters to them. I mean if you took a drink every time he said "When God made Alaska he was having a good day" you would be tanked in no time. In one episode he said it 7 times in 27 minutes!! If you just kind of watch his show you won't notice it. But, me being me I really listened and oh man, the things he says!! He is filthy!! Do I think he does it on purpose? ABSOLUTELY!!! With over 30 seasons of his show there have to be hundreds of inappropriate things he has said over the years. Here are just a few examples of what I have heard this week alone!
* "it is slick, wet and ready...I hope you are too" OK, so maybe he was talking about pre-painting the background on his canvas but come on...that is just pre pubescent comedic gold right there!!!
* "Alaska has some of the prettiest little bushes I have ever seen" Yes, I know he lived in Alaska for 12 years. He reminds me all the time. And yes, he may be talking about actually topiaries or is he? Hmmm....
* "One day I was in the woods and ran into two happy little bushes...it was a great day" Come on!!! He said that, gave a little chuckle and moved on. Very subtle but Bob, this is me, Erin...I don't miss subtle! Subtle nuances are my thing!!!...Jane, did you know about this? (Jane is his wife) What are your thoughts on all the happy little bushes he runs into?
* "Beat the dickens out of it....sometimes I just beat it 'till it's dry" When he cleans his brush he beats it against the side of his easel to get the excess water/paint off and he always comments on it...beat the dickens out of it...beat the devil out of it....but sometimes he takes it a step further...as shown in my example above.
In addition to his wife Jane, Bob also has a son Steve. He appears in episodes from time to time. If you think Bob Ross is a tall drink of water, wait until you see Steve. He is a sweet, sweet looking man...in that 70's/80's long hair, pornstache kind of way. His painting technique is a bit more flashy and he is a bit more reckless in his art but, he has his dad's smooth moves when it comes to turning an art tutorial into a soft core porn. Brown chicken, brown cow....
* "Sometimes you need to be rough on it...real rough" He came out with this gem in the very first episode of his I watched.
* "If your wrist is worn out when you are done you know you were doing something right" Yeah, I got nothing for this one!!
* "I like to use a big one, big ones get the job done...a good 2 inches should do the trick" I know he was talking about the kind of brush he likes to use, but when you have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, this is funny stuff!
So, once again I am caught up in the insomnia trap, but at least I have something to entertain me while I am awake all night. I don't care that he has already started painting before the list of paint colors comes across the screen, I am not going to try and paint one of his masterpieces. I don't care that all of his paintings are basically a variation on the same damn scene. I don't care that his paintings will never hang in a real art museum someday. All I care is that he makes me giggle like a school girl at 3 in the morning. So it may not have the desired effect my therapist wanted, but tonight I am going to grab a patchouli candle, my ipad and my sense of humor and laugh until the sun comes up!! Happy Painting my friends!!