So we have the week off and decided to take the girls to the beach for the day. We had a great time collecting shells, playing in the waves, constructing "Anna Island"--a family engineering project that consisted of a moat with a channel to the water that was supposed to fill up around an artfully created island complete with seaweed trees. All in all it was a great day. However, I am ALWAYS looking out for my blog reading friends....I have come up with a few simple rules to keep in mind when heading to the shore...
#1. You will get older. Your skin will get older. Ladies, no matter how fit you are there will come a point in your life that you have old lady crepe paper skin. It just happens. There is nothing more bizarre, I guess I will go with that word because after several minutes of thinking I can't come up with anything else, than seeing a 70-ish year old lady with saggy crepe paper skin over her entire body with rock hard, taut skinned boobs the size of cantaloupes standing at attention. God as my witness, I tried to look away, I really did, but I couldn't help but stare. It didn't help that she had a tiny bikini on putting them on full display. Maybe disturbing is the word I should have gone with, yeah, it was disturbing. So young girls if you are contemplating getting breast implants please keep this in mind when choosing what size to get...you too will someday be an old lady trapped in an old lady body with the boobs of a twenty something and it just ain't right!!!
#2 Along those same lines are tattoos. They seem so cool when you are younger. Don't get me wrong. I love tattoos and when done by a really good artist they can be so beautiful. I have one myself. But ladies, please for the love of Psamathe (the God of beach sand...I do my research) make sure your choice will fit your lifestyle for LIFE. For example, a tribal tramp stamp really seems out of place 20 years later when playing in the sand with your kids and digging their PB & J out of your Vera Bradley beach bag. Or. if you choose to have yourself inked with a cute little rose on your hip it WILL become a rose bush if you have children down the road. Just a few things to ponder while you are in line at the tattoo parlor.
#3 This is a big one. If you have an asshole kid at home, I have no doubt they will continue to be an asshole while out in public. If you have one of these said A-holes, please, please, PLEASE do not, under any circumstance, let them bring a God Damn water squirter to the beach!! They will be the ISIS of the waterfront, wreaking havoc and leaving destruction in their wake. One little sh*t ran right through the sand castle we were making and another kept squirting people NOT WITH HIS GROUP with his friggin squirter! Seriously, if you are going to take your little terrorist to the beach please keep an eye on them and don't give them a weapon.
#4 No body shaming here. I have put on a good 40 pounds since my mom died a year and a half ago (yes, I did...I have a scale and a mirror, its true). I ate my feelings, yet, I still wear a bathing suit and participate in life for my kids. However, as I gained weight I purchased appropriate sized bathing suits to go with my new chubby body. I am not telling anyone not to go to the beach or not to wear a bathing suit or even to wear a cover up. Not at all...I think everyone should go and enjoy life just as they are... I just implore you to wear a bathing suit that fits properly! There were a bunch of bigger girls rocking bikinis yesterday and they looked GREAT!! You know why? Because they bought a suit in THEIR SIZE!!! Sorry, but if you are a size 18, buy a size 18 suit and wear it with pride. Do not try to stuff it into a size 8. Some people were just asking way too much of their swimsuits. A triangle of fabric on just a nipple with everything else hanging loose looks ridiculous. Sorry, it just does. Also, try to be age appropriate in your swim suit choices. If you are a woman of a particular age, keep it simple. A tiger striped, string bikini should be left for ladies born oh, I don't know, maybe after George Washington left the White House.
#5 Know when to say when. The girls and I were in the bathroom and I sh*t you not, Magda from Something About Mary came sashaying out of a stall. The girls couldn't stop staring. I have never seen a person resemble an old, worn leather couch so much in all my life. She had bright white hair to boot. Soaking wet she probably weighed all of 80 pounds. The color of her skin was not normal, the consistency of her skin seemed alien. She looked to be around 78 years old...but who knows maybe she was just a 32 year old sun worshiper. Whatever the case she needs a new religion...
# 6 I am white. I am very white. Once a child told me I was so white I was see through. My whiteness is on par with the love of my life....Anderson Cooper. I believe in sunscreen. I use it faithfully. I bring an umbrella to the beach and sit in the shade when I am not playing with the girls. Again, sunscreen is a must, rash guard shirts are fine, my girls are into them now. Anyone know why they are called rash guards? Just curious. But there are some people that just take it to the extreme. These are the people who wear pretty much a space suit to the beach. Again, umbrellas I get, toddlers in a tent? Sure. But what I don't get is a sun hat as big as a beach umbrella with Urkel like flaps, sun glasses, long sleeve shirt and long pants. Why? Just why? Stay home and put a picture of the beach on the TV with the soundscapes channel on....same experience for your poor kid.
#7 Teenage boys with teenage girls...public service announcement...get a bathing suit that has a little more strength in the fabric to hold "things" in place. That's it.
#8 This is a huge pet peeve of mine. People on phones...more specifically parents on phones when they should be watching their kids. I am NOT a helicopter parent by any stretch of the imagination. I don't hover over my kids making sure they never have a negative experience. However, and this is a BIG however, when there is the potential my child could lose their life I kinda keep an eye on them. Yesterday I was at the edge of the water collecting shells with my girls. There was a family next to us. Both parents were on their phones, texting/playing a game/working/ who knows, but the 3 year old had their 18 month old on a boogie board and was towing her out to sea. Part of me was like, "serves them right if they go home with one less kid"...but I am not a total jerk and I said loudly "oh, hey you little boy, you might not want to pull your little sister out to far...she could fall off and go under water"...the parents glanced up and brought the kids back to shore. Then they gave me the stink eye!! Oh, OK, sorry I interrupted you to save your kids life...so next time do you want me to let your kiddos drown and not interrupt your Candy Crush? So parents, put your frigging phones down and enjoy/watch your kids...it might just save their life!
#9 Don't go to the beach during shark week! Big mistake!!! Every odd shaped wave, large piece of seaweed etc. was a flipping shark. If I had to guess I would say my heart rate was close to 200 every time I stepped in the water.
So there you have it. 9 simple steps to having a fun, safe and enjoyable day at the beach. You're Welcome!!