That being said, with Thanksgiving mere hours away I am getting “Number-Sign Thankful” burnout. It is that time of year again when people’s Facebook news feed gets jammed up with their friends and family posting daily what they are “Number-Sign Thankful” for. Now I am not a complete Scrooge, I don’t mind seeing people posting they are thankful for their children, family and friends or their health. I actually think the “Thankful for Us” frame people are putting around pictures of their loved ones is cute; it is the ridiculously superficial ones that make me cringe. You all know the type I am talking about; “Number-Sign thankful for cozy socks, a mug of steaming Chai and a warm blanket”. OK, so when posting these things keep in mind your audience. I actually laugh out loud when I see some of these Norman Rockwellesque posts. I want to comment back, “Bitch please, I know you!! That pair of cozy socks is more likely than not a mismatched set of tube socks and I can almost guarantee one of them is your husbands. That “mug” (wink-wink) of tea you are sipping on is really an environment depleting, re-heated, Styrofoam cup you got through the Dunks drive through 4 hours ago while chauffeuring your ungrateful offspring to their activities. Oh, and that good book you claim to be reading, I bet your TV is tuned to Bravo and you are watching one of the Real Housewives incarnations. Don’t get me wrong, I watch my fair share of trashy TV, but I can honestly say I have never watched one of those deplorable Real Housewife shows. Though, this goes without saying, Much Love Andy Cohen!! Muah!! See you in April with my boyfriend Anderson! I am going to see their AC2 show and I can’t wait. The births of my children, my wedding day and being in the same room with Anderson Cooper have been the most anticipated events in my life. Don’t ask me to rank them in order because there may be some hurt feelings in my house…
But back to my story… How am I able to read between the lines of a FB post and real life you ask? Because this is my real-life too! We are all just a bunch of hot messes trying to survive the day. So in keeping with that theme and the spirit of the season I am going to let you in on some of the things that I am truly “Number-Sign Thankful” for;
Number-Sign Thankful the Presidential Election is over. Now, it is not for the reasons you are guessing. Though, as a registered Independent I am Number-Sign Thankful I am not getting a call from each candidate every two minutes. But now, hopefully Anderson Cooper can go back to his regular, tried and true format with him sitting at his anchor desk filling me in on the news of the day. I am sick of the bat-shit crazies, from both sides, that have made up the panel discussions for the past 18 months. Please bring back the best 5 minutes in television each day, The Ridiculist. I mean if not for the Ridiculist would the world have ever learned of Prancercizing? Would we have heard The Coop giggle uncontrollably when saying the name Gerard Depardieu? Would I have ever heard the death metal song, “Wolf Blitzer?” Probably not. So Anderson, you have until April to get back in the swing of things or you and I will have a little talk.
Number-Sign Thankful for the Internet. The internet is one of the most prolific game changers to come along in my life-time. Not only can we connect with people around the world we would never otherwise come in contact with, we can learn anything and everything on infinite topics with just a click of the mouse, but more than that I can see what every Real World Cast has been up to for the last 20 years. I can follow Kanye’s meltdown in real time. I can binge watch Dr. Pimple Popper videos on You Tube—an oddly relaxing pastime Sara and I have spent endless hours bonding over. Without the internet I would have never known there is a whole subculture dedicated to making slow motion videos of things being flattened in a compressor. When I am faced with household chores or spending time going down the rabbit hole that is the world wide web I will pick random Buzz Feed Top 10 lists Every. Single. Time. Forget it when I get on a Joe Santagato kick. Who knew there were so many Idiots of the Internet? I did. You know why? Because I have watched every one of Santagato’s Idiots of the Internet Videos multiple times over. So, rhetorical question here…does that make me one?
Number-Sign Thankful the girls’ pediatrician is not my Facebook friend. He is wonderful and I have the utmost respect for his knowledge and skills, however, I have been lying to him for years. Well, OK, I lied to his face once, but since then it has been more of a lie of omission. Two years ago at Emily’s one year appointment he asked if we transitioned her from bottle to cup and I kind of tilted my head, rubbed the sweat off the back of my neck and in a high-pitched voice made a noise that resembled; mm-hmm. So technically I never truly verbalized a real definitive answer. I just made a guttural vocalization that when put under cross examination could go either way. Since it was never brought up subsequent to that conversation I have never offered additional information on the subject. If he were my Facebook friend I would be Number-Sign Screwed! Somehow Emily has turned 3 and still uses a bottle at night to fall asleep…I know, right? The WORST kind of bottle!! So thank Christ he has never brought it up during an appointment because Emily sees no shame in still using a bottle and would proudly pound one in front of anyone as if it were a pint of Guinness.
Number-Sign Thankful for Emily’s honesty. So during a recent outing to Bass Pro Shop, or as I like to call it; the poor man’s zoo, Emily made an observation. She stopped what she was doing, looked me up and down then stared right into my soul and declared to all who would listen, “Mom, you’re fat!” Sara and Anna stopped in their tracks and looked as if a nuclear bomb was about to go off. Hmm, I guess you are right Emily, I am fat… I responded. Thank God she brought it to my attention. I knew something was off, all my clothes were way too tight, and my double chin is about a double chin and a half at this point, the numbers on the scale for some reason keep climbing in an upward pattern. Something was up but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I am so glad she decided, while out in public mind you, to put all the pieces together for me and announce to the world what she discovered. That child has impeccable timing.
Number-Sign Thankful for Tosh.0. Whenever life or one of my children gets me down there is nothing like watching an episode of Tosh.0 to pick me up. It’s like the saying goes; “No matter what, there is always, always something to be grateful for.” Sometimes not being on an episode with Daniel Tosh is the one something to be grateful for that day. After watching the complete white-trash, sh$t show that is Tosh.0 makes me not feel so bad about myself. Speaking of white trash, after our trip to Bass Pro Shop I did come home and watch Tosh On Demand. I may be going to hell being one of his biggest fans, but hey, at least I will have a smile on my face when I get there.
Number-Sign Thankful for 8 easily accessible toilets in the NICU. If you have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I have some rather effed up, to put it mildly, GI issues. I am supposed to be on this ridiculously crazy diet to help control flare-ups but I would be less than honest if I said I followed the diet. I do religiously follow 2 Low FODMAP Facebook pages so that has to count for something, right? Now, the thing with my GI issue is that it is completely unpredictable. I could eat a trigger food and not have an acute reaction to it…I might not get symptoms from the offending food for several days. That makes for an interesting life. I could be having a great day and out of the blue, literally from one second to the next, I have to go to the bathroom. Doesn’t matter if I am driving, talking on the phone or holding a baby at work…I need to go and I need to go now. There are no second chances to get this right. If I miss my window of opportunity of making it to the restroom, and let me tell you, I will not be doing any “resting” in there, I will need to move out of the country and join some type of program akin to a Witness Protection Program. A Shitness Protection Program if you will. Fortunately at work there are 8 toilets strategically placed around the unit. From any given spot in the NICU I know how many ass-clenched, speed walking steps I need to take to get to every last one of those toilets. I have been in the NICU for 7 years now and I have yet to join the Shitness Protection Program and for that I am truly Number-Sign Thankful.