That
being said, with Thanksgiving mere hours away I am getting “Number-Sign
Thankful” burnout. It is that time of year again when people’s
Facebook news feed
gets jammed up with their friends and family posting daily what they
are “Number-Sign Thankful” for. Now I am not a complete Scrooge, I
don’t mind seeing people posting they are thankful for their children,
family and friends or their health. I actually
think the “Thankful for Us” frame people are putting around pictures of
their loved ones is cute; it is the ridiculously superficial ones that
make me cringe. You all know the type I am talking about; “Number-Sign
thankful for cozy socks, a mug of steaming
Chai and a warm blanket”. OK, so when posting these things keep in
mind your audience. I actually laugh out loud when I see some of these
Norman Rockwellesque posts. I want to comment back, “Bitch please, I
know you!! That pair of cozy socks is more likely
than not a mismatched set of tube socks and I can almost guarantee one
of them is your husbands. That “mug” (wink-wink) of tea you are sipping
on is really an environment depleting, re-heated, Styrofoam cup you got
through the Dunks drive through 4 hours
ago while chauffeuring your ungrateful offspring to their activities.
Oh, and that good book you claim to be reading, I bet your TV is tuned
to Bravo and you are watching one of the Real Housewives incarnations.
Don’t get me wrong, I watch my fair share of
trashy TV, but I can honestly say I have never watched one of those
deplorable Real Housewife shows. Though, this goes without saying, Much
Love Andy Cohen!! Muah!! See you in April with my boyfriend
Anderson! I am going to see their AC2 show and I can’t
wait. The births of my children, my wedding day and being in the same
room with Anderson Cooper have been the most anticipated events in my
life. Don’t ask me to rank them in order because there may be some hurt
feelings in my house…
But
back to my story… How am I able to read between the lines of a FB post
and real life you ask? Because this is my real-life too! We are all
just a bunch of
hot messes trying to survive the day. So in keeping with that theme
and the spirit of the season I am going to let you in on some of the
things that I am truly “Number-Sign Thankful” for;
Number-Sign Thankful the Presidential Election is over.
Now, it is not for the reasons you are guessing. Though, as a
registered Independent I am Number-Sign Thankful I am not getting a call
from each candidate every two minutes. But now, hopefully Anderson
Cooper can go back to his regular, tried and true format
with him sitting at his anchor desk filling me in on the news of the
day. I am sick of the bat-shit crazies, from both sides, that have made
up the panel discussions for the past 18 months. Please bring back the
best 5 minutes in television each day, The
Ridiculist. I mean if not for the Ridiculist would the world have ever
learned of Prancercizing? Would we have heard The Coop giggle
uncontrollably when saying the name Gerard Depardieu? Would I have ever
heard the death metal song, “Wolf Blitzer?” Probably
not. So Anderson, you have until April to get back in the swing of
things or you and I will have a little talk.
Number-Sign Thankful for the Internet.
The
internet is one of the most prolific game changers to come along in my
life-time. Not only can we connect with people around the world we
would never otherwise come
in contact with, we can learn anything and everything on infinite
topics with just a click of the mouse, but more than that I can see what
every Real World Cast has been up to for the last 20 years. I can
follow Kanye’s meltdown in real time. I can binge
watch Dr. Pimple Popper videos on You Tube—an oddly relaxing pastime
Sara and I have spent endless hours bonding over. Without the internet I
would have never known there is a whole subculture dedicated to making
slow motion videos of things being flattened
in a compressor. When I am faced with household chores or spending
time going down the rabbit hole that is the world wide web I will pick
random Buzz Feed Top 10 lists Every. Single. Time. Forget it when I get
on a Joe Santagato kick. Who knew there were
so many Idiots of the Internet? I did. You know why? Because I have
watched every one of Santagato’s Idiots of the Internet Videos multiple
times over. So, rhetorical question here…does that make me one?
Number-Sign Thankful the girls’ pediatrician is not my Facebook friend.
He
is wonderful and I have the utmost respect for his knowledge and
skills, however, I have been lying to him for years. Well, OK, I lied
to his face once, but since then
it has been more of a lie of omission. Two years ago at Emily’s one
year appointment he asked if we transitioned her from bottle to cup and I
kind of tilted my head, rubbed the sweat off the back of my neck and in
a high-pitched voice made a noise that resembled;
mm-hmm. So technically I never truly verbalized a real definitive
answer. I just made a guttural vocalization that when put under cross
examination could go either way. Since it was never brought up
subsequent to that conversation I have never offered additional
information on the subject. If he were my Facebook friend I would be
Number-Sign Screwed! Somehow Emily has turned 3 and still uses a bottle
at night to fall asleep…I know, right? The WORST kind of bottle!! So
thank Christ he has never brought it up during
an appointment because Emily sees no shame in still using a bottle and
would proudly pound one in front of anyone as if it were a pint of
Guinness.
Number-Sign Thankful for Emily’s honesty.
So
during a recent outing to Bass Pro Shop, or as I like to call it; the
poor man’s zoo, Emily made an observation. She stopped what she was
doing, looked me up and down
then stared right into my soul and declared to all who would listen,
“Mom, you’re fat!” Sara and Anna stopped in their tracks and looked as
if a nuclear bomb was about to go off. Hmm, I guess you are right
Emily, I am fat… I responded. Thank God she brought
it to my attention. I knew something was off, all my clothes were way
too tight, and my double chin is about a double chin and a half at this
point, the numbers on the scale for some reason keep climbing in an
upward pattern. Something was up but I just
couldn’t put my finger on it. I am so glad she decided, while out in
public mind you, to put all the pieces together for me and announce to
the world what she discovered. That child has impeccable timing.
Number-Sign Thankful for Tosh.0.
Whenever life or one
of my children gets me down there is nothing like watching an episode
of Tosh.0 to pick me up. It’s like the saying goes; “No matter what,
there is always, always something to be grateful for.” Sometimes not
being on an episode with Daniel Tosh is the one
something to be grateful for that day. After watching the complete
white-trash, sh$t show that is Tosh.0 makes me not feel so bad about
myself. Speaking of white trash, after our trip to Bass Pro Shop I did
come home and watch Tosh On Demand. I may be going
to hell being one of his biggest fans, but hey, at least I will have a
smile on my face when I get there.
Number-Sign Thankful for 8 easily accessible toilets in the NICU.
If
you have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I
have some rather effed up, to put it mildly, GI issues. I am supposed
to be on this ridiculously
crazy diet to help control flare-ups but I would be less than honest if
I said I followed the diet. I do religiously follow 2 Low FODMAP
Facebook pages so that has to count for something, right? Now, the
thing with my GI issue is that it is completely unpredictable.
I could eat a trigger food and not have an acute reaction to it…I might
not get symptoms from the offending food for several days. That makes
for an interesting life. I could be having a great day and out of the
blue, literally from one second to the next,
I have to go to the bathroom. Doesn’t matter if I am driving, talking
on the phone or holding a baby at work…I need to go and I need to go
now. There are no second chances to get this right. If I miss my
window of opportunity of making it to the restroom,
and let me tell you, I will not be doing any “resting” in there, I will
need to move out of the country and join some type of program akin to a
Witness Protection Program. A Shitness Protection Program if you
will. Fortunately at work there are 8 toilets
strategically placed around the unit. From any given spot in the NICU I
know how many ass-clenched, speed walking steps I need to take to get
to every last one of those toilets. I have been in the NICU for 7 years
now and I have yet to join the Shitness
Protection Program and for that I am truly Number-Sign Thankful.
