Kale- I have tried it. It is absolutely
disgusting. I think most people pretend to like it because it was the new
healthy fad. It is gross. And what the hell are Kale chips? I’m sorry but no
matter how hard you try you cannot make them be a legitimate substitute for real
chips. Never going to happen. I tried making Spinach chips a while back when
those were a “thing”. I sprayed the baking sheet with Pam and they still stuck
and broke into a million pieces when I tried to take them off the pan. If you
take a paper thin leafy vegetable, dehydrate it and try to move it from where it
lays it will break into tiny slivers. There is no way around it. So, I was at
the Basket the other day and they had a display with some Kale chips. I took a
walk over to check them out and yup, just as I suspected there was a bag full of
green dust. I swear to God, I could put parsley in a Ziplock and call it Kale
chips and no one would know the difference. I really hope the kale fad dies out
in the new year.
Unpack- I am not talking about unpacking
from a wonderful, relaxing vacation. I am talking about all the political
pundits on cable TV who when faced with a multi-faceted topic say, “OK, let’s
unpack that”, “We need to unpack that idea”, “Let me unpack that for you”.
Drives me f*cking nuts. I don’t know why, but it is like nails on a chalkboard
to me. I just picture them placing on old timey leather suitcase on the bed,
and slowly taking out old, stale clothes one piece at a time and then pulling
out an old, yellowed lacy piece of #metoo or #russiancollusion or whatever the
daily topic was. I know it is stupid, but it just annoys me to no end. Thank
the walking upright Gods I have never heard Anderson Cooper speak that word, I
swear to God the second it comes out of his mouth our love affair is over.
Another one that grates on my nerves is the phrase “deep dive”. As in take a
closer look. When they weren’t ‘unpacking” in 2017 they were taking a “deep
dive”. I love listening to Jim Braude and Margery Egan every day but there was
one day when Jim said he was taking a deep dive and I screamed at Alexia to turn
off. Poor thing isn’t used to getting yelled at, but I couldn’t listen a second
longer. I didn’t listen to them for a week. Not that they will ever know about
my silent protest, but I know. So, unpack that Jim and Margery.
Slime- I hate slime. I hate everything
about it. One of my kids is obsessed with it. Obsessed to the point I am
considering calling TLC and having her featured on an episode of My Strange
Addiction. Now I know a 10-year-old loving slime isn’t as strange as a 38 year
old that likes to eat dryer sheets or a 53 year old that lives her life dressed
as an infant, diaper and all, but it drives me insane just the same! I find
remnants of it everywhere, it has ruined books, table cloths, a dresser and most
of my Tupperware has been sacrificed all in the name of slime. As a matter of fact, one of my kiddos and I are locked in an epic showdown for the ages; she got yellow slime on the doorknob to the basement. I refuse to clean it and she can't play with slime until she cleans it. So far neither one of us has budged. May the best person (mom) win. I hope this fad
leaves us just as 2017 has.
Eyebrows- I just don’t get those big, thick,
heavy, way over drawn eyebrows. It is not a good look. For anyone. Ever. My
last post told you about someone at the grocery store. Well, at the cafeteria
at work there was a beautiful young girl. She was stunning; beautiful skin,
beautiful hair, perfect body, etc. But she had these fake eyebrows that looked
like the friggin count from Sesame Street. They had to be a solid inch thick
and a good 6 inches in length (not including the sharp, razor thin ends that
finished off somewhere behind her ears). I didn’t want to look or comment
because I did not want to encourage this look in any way, shape or form but I
couldn’t look away. You know how they say right before you die you are drawn to
the light? It was like that, there was something magical about these brows you
are just drawn to them and no matter how hard you try you can’t look away. They
were that spectacularly ridiculous. I hope 2018 brings back a subtler
brow.
Car
confessionals- This I
trend I don’t understand at all. My Facebook feed is filled with people sitting
in their cars waxing poetic on whatever the current injustice in the world is.
Racism? There is a car talker for that. Sexism, someone sitting in their car
telling men how to behave? You bet. Bullies? Oh, you can find at least 579,
car seat social justice warriors discussing them. I don’t get it. When I have
something important to say I have never had the urge to go sit in my car and
discuss it to an imaginary audience and then post it online. I just don’t
understand this concept at all. But I think I am in the minority here, when I
see people post these videos their comments are full of phrases like, “true
story”, “amen” and the ever popular; “this” (with any arrow pointing up),
Logistically I have some questions; 1. Do these people have a camera already
mounted in their car in case they feel a soliloquy come on? Or do they have to
go get the camera ready? 2. Do they practice in front of their mirror, so they
know what they want to say? —these seem pretty thought out, they angles, the
facial expressions... 3. Do they pull over to a safe place so they don’t put others lives at risk when they are saving the
world with their car seat confessional? 4. Do they clean their cars out in case
the camera angle dips down a bit. If I were ever to make a car seat video and
the camera panned around the world would see my car is a sh*t hole. Or is it
that their house is such a mess they need to go to their car to film their
monologue? And 5. Why the hell are you making a video of yourself talking to
no one in your car?
I am imagining
if you are the type of person that takes to your car to make a video chances are
your life is kind of in shambles, so your car is your only safe place. Case in
point. Poor Tyrese has been making a LOT of car seat videos. His life is
spinning out of control, I watch TMZ, I know these things. Some people have the
Wall Street Journal or NY Times. I have Harvey Levin. Seeing his life fall
apart in a sequence of these videos has made me think there needs to be some
kind of system in place for the makers of said videos. Like you know how some
repeat drunk drivers have to blow into a device before they can drive their
car? I think some of these repeat car video offenders should have to pass some
type of standardized psychological test before given free reign of their car
mounted camera. And don’t get me started about the people that make a car seat
video AND use that asinine filter that makes their eyes bug out, their mouth
super wide and have chipmunk voices. I hope these videos go the way of the ones
where people would stand silently, with somber music playing in the background
while they held up page after page of cue cards with some pull at the
heartstrings crap while making ridiculously over the top facial expressions,
like that God-awful side smirk.
So here is to
2018! A new year and a new crop of things to drive me bat-shit crazy!! Happy
New Year!!
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