So the other night I was enjoying my nightly bowl of buttered popcorn, some people have a glass of wine or a beer, me, I have my popcorn to help me unwind. For the record I was eating popcorn alone, at night, in the dark way before Olivia Pope was. So there I am with a mouth full of my buttery goodness when I realized I am watching a murder mystery. I swear to all that is Holy I have seen Every. Single. Episode of Dateline ever produced. Including all the ones with Stone Phillips, yeah I'm a super fan. The fact that I am watching a murder mystery show is nothing new. But here I was enjoying my evening snack while watching some families worst nightmare play out for my entertainment. Now I know they sign waivers and have to consent to their story being told but I felt like such a turd eating popcorn. Popcorn is a fun snack, it shouldn't be consumed while learning someones loved one was chopped into bits and thrown into an old mine shaft. It felt so disrespectful. So now the joy I felt eating my popcorn was destroyed. I changed the channel and watched House Hunters and when my popcorn bowl was empty I went back to the episode of 48 Hours I was watching which I had DVR'd in the interim. Then I felt like an asshole for DVR-ing it. The person is dead and I don't even have the compassion or consideration to watch the show in real time. Am I dead inside? Do I have a black soul? My popcorn couldn't wait-my snack was too important to put aside and honor this poor person's life? Then I realized for F*ck's Sake Erin, do you have to overthink everything? Can't you watch a murder mystery and just enjoy it. I mean Keith Morrison makes a decent living off of these people's misfortune, the least I could do was support his employment and keep his ratings up.
Then I got to thinking; am the only one that does these weird little inner monologue rants? Are there other things I do on a regular basis that might not be practiced by society as a whole? Are my random thoughts odd or do others have them too? Here are a few of the ones that immediately come to mind;
It has been well established I love all of the murder mystery shows; Dateline, 48 Hours, See No Evil, The First 48 and anything on the ID channel. To be honest I think it makes Chuck a little nervous that I may just be able to pull off the perfect murder, but I digress...so all of these shows make me suspicious of everyone. When I am out in public I always wonder if the person next to me is a murderer. With the sheer volume of these shows it stands to reason that I have, at some point in my life been in close proximity to a serial killer. I am always giving strangers the once over, sizing them up to see if they have it in them to snuff someone out. I bet dollars to donuts I have profiled more people than the FBI.
Along that same vein every time I see a nondescript box truck I wonder if it is being driven by a human trafficker. I make sure I give them the side eye, letting them know I'm on to them. The other night I was leaving work and there was a small white box truck parked right next to my minivan. There was no one in sight. Now they very well could have been on the up and up maybe they were making a delivery to the dentist office right next to us, or they could have been a driver for Amazon but before I got in my van I looked over my shoulder and back again, knocked on the side of the truck and asked if anyone was in there. Total silence. I felt confident there were not scores of teenage girls packed in there waiting to be sold on the black market. I know I sound crazy but there isn't going to be a trailer full of humans suffocating on my watch.
Another weird habit I have is turning the news on the second I get up. I have this odd obsession of finding a typo in the scrolling headlines on the bottom of the TV screen. Now if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I am far from being a grammatical scholar. If I don't know the proper punctuation for the situation I just end the sentence with 3 dots and call it a day...but to me there is nothing funnier at 5:36 a.m. than seeing them scroll "a body was found in the Pubic Gardens" across the screen when it clearly is supposed to be "Public Gardens". Then I set an internal timer to see how long it takes them to correct it.
When I am in the grocery store line I watch what the people in front of my are putting on the belt then I try to guess what recipe they are making. Are they using the fish or hamburger meat with the Old El Paso Taco Kit they are buying? Do they really like kale or are they buying it because they think it is the right thing to do? What is their thought process when buying organic fruits and veggies but have an equal amount of Hostess products in their cart? I put entirely too much thought into other people's grocery purchases but I guarantee you the next time you are in line you will start trying to figure out what they are making with their ingredients. You're welcome!
Here's another one; every time I see the commercial with the old lady in the walk-in tub with the door on it I always think she looks way too excited to be sitting in the tub. Maybe she is just happy to see another day but I can't help but think she is freezing in the tub as the water drains out. It must take a few minutes and in theory she is sitting there naked as the water level decreases. I am constantly amazed she isn't shivering from hypothermia. I have this incredible urge to buy one just so when one of my family members is happily sitting in the tub I can open the door and run. Yeah, I'm an ass.
I also spend an exorbitant amount of time wondering if my dog Mary Alice knows my name. She loves me so much. I am her favorite and feet to the fire she may be my favorite family member too. But does she know my name? When I come home does her little dog brain say, "oh Erin is home", or "oh mom is home" or is it more like, "that white blob that pats me a lot and feeds me is back". Science tells me it is the latter but in my heart of hearts I like to think she does know my name.
Would Forensic Files be as intriguing if they had a different narrator? Yeah, that is another thing I perseverate on. While watching it I always try to imagine the narrator is Sarah Palin-I mean it would be scary for a different reason but I don't think it would be as creepy. Or maybe they have Ozzy Osbourne stand in for an episode. Again, it wouldn't have the same feel to it. How about Sponge Bob? Not so much.
Lastly there is one other weird thing that happens to me, who we kidding the list is endless but I have to end the post somewhere. Anyway I will be flipping the channels and stop on an idiotic show and kind of watch it ironically. Then without fail 3 weeks later I inevitably find myself up at 3 a.m., 6 DVR'd episodes in, toothpicks in my eyes trying to keep them open to find out if Mia is really a bat shit crazy stalker or just misunderstood. Is Mohammed really marrying Danielle for love or a green card? Somehow it becomes of the utmost urgency to see how it all ends. Before you go and Google it Mia is from the latest episode of Married at First Sight and the jury is still out on her mental health status and Mohammed from 90 Day Fiance did marry Danielle for a green card but you know what? She totally deserved it-there were so many red flags that were pointed out to her but she went through with it anyway. So yeah, she should have known better.
You would think I have a ton of free time the way I go on about these things. Honestly I have had insomnia for years and these are the ridiculous things I think of a 3:43 a.m. Man, I need to get some stronger sleep meds!
No comments:
Post a Comment