There, I said it. I do. Now you may think that I am just a cranky pregnant lady and in a more rational state I would probably agree with you. However, in a relatively short period of time I have come to realize that many, many people are just uncivilized. The past couple of days Chuck and I have been out and about with the girls. Being pregnant I spend much of that time in public restrooms. Not where I really want to be taking care of business but when nature calls and my options are limited I can't really be picky. People are gross. Today, for instance I was in a stall when all of the sudden I hear Maroon 5 start blaring...it was a fellow stallmates ring tone, she answers it, flushes...and we all know how loud industrial strength toilets are...first off, I would not take a call if I were mid stream, but hey, that is just me...I definitely would not flush, lest the caller know I was in the bathroom...nope, not this lady...she does one better...she TELLS the caller she was going to the bathroom as she is flushing and then walks out of the bathroom. No, I did not leave anything out...she did NOT wash her hands. So now not only are her hands filthy, but so is the phone she was holding with her pee and potentially poop covered hands! The same phone that at some point she will probably put down on the restaurant table!!! Sadly, she was not the exception...but more of the rule. I guess I am in the small minority of people that find the need to clean my hands after using the restroom. One lady not only skipped the hand washing, she took her pants off and changed right there in the bathroom...guess she couldn't have taken care of that while in the stall...she needed to stand right in front of the sink....so she did know they had one available, just chose not to partake in the societal ritual of cleansing oneself...and moon everyone instead. Sadly, this was repeated over and over in every bathroom I visited. Oh, and yesterday I was in a public pool and this lady with a huge, open wound comes strolling in. She must be there to sit and have a drink, perhaps catch some rays?....Surely she was not going to take a dip in the pool. Holy Sh*t! She was heading straight for the water...you have NEVER seen a pregnant woman move so fast!! Now, I think public pools are literally human secretion stew, but, I sucked it up and got in for the sake of the girls...no way, they were on their own with Chuck...I just imagined MRSA or some other gross disease oozing from her leg and crawling up my vagina and giving my unborn leprosy. Strangely today when the girls asked if they could go swimming Chuck and I had an excuse ready to go. So, life lesson reaffirmed; people are disgusting.
But my friends, that is not all that is bothering me lately...sadly, I have been the victim of a hate crime. Yup...on more than once occasion. Now technically that may not be totally true in the legal sense of the definition, but I really think I need to contact my local legislatures and have pregnant women defined as a protected class of citizens. If you are with child, apparently you are fair game for insensitive and down right rude comments. Here are a few examples from just the past 3 days!! Yesterday we went to the store to get some beach stuff. Pretty benign, right? Nope! It took a turn for the worse as soon as I stepped out of the minivan. There was a lady sitting in her car right next to us. Her window was down. Chuck and Sara got out on the other side and were already half way to the store...Anna and I were a bit more leisurely. So this lady yells out the window, "WOW! You look like you are ready to pop any minute!" I just kind of smile and take Anna's hand and start to walk away. "When are you due?"...not for 12 more weeks I answer and keep walking. "NO WAY!!!...you look like you are going to drop that kid out now....they have to be wrong!"....nope, I still have a way to go...."wow, you are going to have that kid soon...they must be wrong...there is probably 2 in there!"....nope, just one and I am pretty sure they are right with my due date....I am trying hard to get out of there, but this lady goes on and on..."you better have that thing soon or you will explode"...no, I really don't want to have "it" anytime soon...it is way too early. I will be fine though, thank you. "you are having a boy! It must weigh 8 or 9 pounds by now"...nope, 2.6 pounds give or take 185 grams...now I was getting pissed. Seriously lady? What gives you the right to be so mean to me? I did nothing to bother you...if I were not in front of my children I would have channeled my inner Anderson Cooper and gone all catty on that biatch. Kind of like I did the other day....let me set the scene for you...I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for an iced coffee. Yes, I know that caffeine is not the preferred drink for expectant moms...however, my OB has declared it absolutely fine for me to have a coffee or 2 each week...and since she specializes in maternal fetal medicine, more specifically maternal cardiac issues I am going to accept her medical opinion and quite frankly ignore all others that may have an opinion on how I should handle my pregnancy, yet have no medical training at all....Back to my story... I am minding my own business and order my drink. This lady next to me (who is the epitome of white trash...complete with the requisite black shirt with the white etched wolves howling at the moon on it...seriously where the hell does one buy a shirt like that anyway....a thick smell of cigarette smoke on her and a few sporadically placed teeth...now, normally I don't care about how someone looks, how they dress or conduct their lives, but once you insert yourself into mine...you are fair game...consider yourselves warned) chimes in and says, "umm, people that are pregnant should not drink caffeine"....I am exhausted, hot, physically uncomfortable and 6 hours away from starting my vacation...in other words; I HAVE HAD IT!!! I look directly at her and say, "people that have lungs should not smoke and people without teeth shouldn't have sugar"...I turn and storm out. Not so much for effect, more so that she does not attack and kill me. Oh, the silver fox would have been so proud of me!!
Another thing that bothers me is strangers that touch a pregnant ladies belly. Yes, on occasion I have had the urge to rub an old bald man's head and make a wish or pinch the chubby cheeks of a baby. But guess what? I don't!! Why? Because #1 I am civilized and #2 we are strangers!!! So here are my rules about touching my belly. If you are living under the same roof as me you can have unlimited belly rubbing access. If you are a child under the age of 14 and you include the prefix "Auntie" before my name you can sneak in a rub or two. If we have a preexisting relationship and we know each others children and husbands name's and I can call on you in an emergency then you can also touch my belly other than that if you are not a direct member of my health care team, back the f*ck up!!
In that same vain...once the baby is born the same general rules apply to asking me about my decision to breast feed or not. Once after Sara was born I was at the store picking a few things up and this lady behind me in line asked me if I were breastfeeding or not. I told her, "No, she prefers to drink Coke from her bottle." Another time I was out in public and another lady, a complete stranger asked if I were breastfeeding or not and I asked her, "when was the last time someone sucked your boobs?"...she just looked at me horrified...yeah, that was the reaction I was looking for.
So here is my proposal to the legislatures...if you touch a pregnant belly without permission it should be considered assault. If you ask someone, "are you sure there aren't two in there?" that is harassment. If you continue the verbal assault with more than one inappropriate or insensitive remark that is stalking. I am also going to push that the 3 strikes rule applies here...if you do any combo and it amounts to 3 offenses sorry, you lose...you will be locked up for life and your punishment will be to wear a simulated pregnancy belly and walk through society for the rest of your natural life to get a taste of your own medicine.
So today while out and about on a family adventure I had someone ask when I was due...I lied. I said in 2 weeks. She smiled and said "good luck"...I guess until government passes my law of classifying pregnant women as a protected class that should just be my standard answer...makes life simpler.