Monday, December 30, 2013

From a Mother to her Children

So for the past couple of weeks Facebook has been flooded with lists; 10 Things a Mother of Boys Should Know, Things a Father Should Know About Raising Daughters, 25 Things a Mother Should Never Say to Her Daughter, etc., etc., etc...It got me thinking about what I want my children to know.  So here is MY list...

8 Things I Want My Children to Know

1.  Stickers are not decorative accents. 

I have never seen Martha Stewart place a Doc McStuffins sticker on a dusty sage wall or a frosted bathroom window...even on those Do-It-Yourself Home Improvement shows where the budget is a hundred bucks and they frame wrapping paper as a 'one of a kind' art piece have they ever included stickers.  The final straw was yesterday when I was on the toilet, turned to get some toilet paper and there was a sticker with a frog saying, "good job".   So please, for the love of all that is Holy stop sticking them to the walls, floors, windows, kitchen chairs, mirrors, books, toy box, drawer pulls on the kitchen cabinets and any other god forsaken place only a child's mind can think of...

2. Dresser drawers slide closed just as easy as the slide open. 

Please keep this in mind as you change your clothes for the 19th time in a day.  I walk around the house closing dresser drawers muttering to myself "drawer open, drawer closed"  a la Mr. Miagee, "wax on, wax off"...please take the extra 1/10 of a second and just close the door.  It would be one small step in saving my sanity.

3. Rainbows belong in the sky, not on your body. 

Just because all the colors come together cohesively in a beautiful arc does not mean you should wear them the same time.  Yes, Anna, it is true that your shirt is purple, your pants are purple, socks are purple and even your headband is purple but that does not automatically make them a perfect match to be worn together.  At times you may feel compelled to wear as many colors as humanly possible, please don't.  Dressing oneself is a wonderful skill that showcases ones independence...please don't blow it by making yourself look like a flippin' peacock on Ecstasy.

4. Sleeping with me is not a treat. 

Not for me anyway.  Now, girls, please don't get me wrong...I love you all more than life itself and the best part of my day is early in the morning when you climb into bed, make a 'mommy sandwich' and we snuggle...there is nothing better.  However, that being said, I am less than thrilled when one of you sleeps in my bed.  You are all less than 38 in the hell is it possible that you take up the entire bed?  If I get 26 minutes of combined sleep it is a good night.  Can we please just stick to the morning snuggles and get over the notion of having any all night slumber party?

5. Your shows aren't all that good. 

Now, I love watching your mind numbing dance shows, singing shows, running and jumping shows, magic shows et. al because you are my children and I love you.  I love the fact that you want are willing to bare your souls, be vulnerable, take a risk and all those other artsy cliches.  I love that you love me enough that you want to impress me.  Those are the reasons I love to watch your shows...certainly not for the entertainment value...Because, the truth is your shows kind of stink.  Not trying to be mean...Just stating a fact.  I know you are doing your best Katy Perry impersonation but honestly, when you are hitting the high notes more often than not it sounds as if you just stepped on the cat.  Oh, and while we are at it  your knock, knock jokes really aren't up to snuff either.  Again, I laugh because you are trying your best and I want you to know I appreciate your effort.  Knock, Knock.  Who is there?  Meatball.  Meatball who?  A meatball is up in a tree playing with a squirrel.  Yeah, not funny.  So please limit your performances to immediate family only...they are truly something only a mother and father could love.

6.  You all have crappy timing. 

I don't know how it is possible to raise 3 unique children that all have such bad timing.  I have not had a warm meal, crispy bowl of cereal or cold drink in 6 years.  Just when I start to cook, one of you desperately needs me for something  such as; showing me a commercial for some "As seen on TV" piece of crap, telling me you just spilled 3 wheat know, weighty issues of a life and death magnitude.  It doesn't end with spoiled food...oh no, it extends to when I am in the shower or trying to pee and you HAVE to have a juice box NOW!  Or how one of you always happens to get hurt and burst into a crying fit at the exact moment my doctor, insurance company or work calls.  Little Emily, you are not immune to this genetic mutation that plagues your older is it possible that you know the exact moment my ass touches a chair to sit down and eat said cold meals?  It. Happens. Every. Friggin. Time.  It is a wonder that Chuck and I even found the time to have a 3rd child.  Girls, as a favor to your mommy, please work on your impeccable timing.  Thanks.

7.  Please don't take "STOP & Shop" literally. 

When shopping with you it is as if time stands still.  I love the fact that you are starting to understand the concept of money...earning it, saving up for something and then practicing your emerging math skills in the store aisle.  However, and this is a big one...I cringe when you get birthday money or a gift card.  Why?  Because I know at some point I will spend an entire afternoon (and early evening) looking at every ass aching item in the store...probably more than once.  I love that you are both so thoughtful, conscientious and good financial stewards but in this one situation can't you just be normal, hedonistic preschoolers and just grab the first craptastic toy you see?

8.  Your sh*t is not special. 

I mean that literally.  Everyone poops.  I do, you do, your friends do, the President does, even The Silver Fox does.  Now, I love me some Anderson Cooper but even I don't want to see his crap.  Yours is no more special than the next person.  No need to save it for posterity.  Now I am not much for surprises (unless it is a new bracelet with Emily's name on it...hint, hint babe) so walking into the bathroom to find a floating turd is not the ideal way for me to start, or end my day.  Leaving a floater is just plain uncivilized.  For Christ's sake flush your sh*t.

So there it list of things I want my children to know.  It may not be as poetic as some of the other lists making the rounds on social media sites but if you really look deep inside your own self I bet your own list would be quite similar.

Happy New Year!!

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