Monday, December 23, 2013

It's a Christmas Miracle!!!

The hole in my belly left over from my botched c-section is officially closed!!!  Hallelujah!!!  I went to the plastic surgeon on Thursday and the hole is completely closed!!  No more packing, no more flippin' seaweed and for the love of God no more burning the edges!!!  It doesn't look pretty but at this point I don't care if my belly looks like Freddy Kruger's face. My insides are no longer outside and that is all I care about!!  I honestly thought that I would be dropping Emily off at college with my convenient new change purse still intact.  But the stars finally aligned and it healed!

I had a little more than an hour to kill before having my final OB appointment so I headed to my secret hiding spot in the hospital.  There is this lovely waiting room reserved for family members who have a loved one in surgery.  It is has comfortable chairs, couches, TV's and clean bathrooms.  It is way better than waiting in the main lobby with the dregs of society that hang out there.  See my previous blog post, "I Don't Have Enough Bones For That" gives a pretty colorful description of the clientele I am speaking of.  So Emily and I head for the surgical waiting room to bide our time.  In order to keep up the charade of actually belonging in there you need to keep your head down, look somewhat sad/concerned, but, don't overdo it or the circulating social worker will come over and check in on you.  I don't feel guilty taking up a seat in there, I mean after all they put me through the past few months, but I don't want to waste the social workers time...that would just be wrong. 

So it is time to see my OB, she agrees, the wound is closed.  She asks if I want a little more Silver Nitrate on it...Ummm, let me think about that for a sec...the wound is closed, do I want to burn it one last time just because?  NO!!  She did tell me that she has a patient that had a tiny opening in her c-section and started with the Silver Nitrate right off the bat so she didn't end up in my situation...glad they learned something from my case and they can help others with it, just wish I wasn't such a flippin' science experiment for the past 13 weeks.  The saying, "practice medicine" is so true...I have a lot of respect for the modern medicine; without it I wouldn't be here (I had heart surgery as a baby), who knows if Anna would be here (I needed surgery when I was 4 months pregnant with her) and I know Emily most likely would not be here so I am not knocking it altogether, but, they sure as sh*t got a ton of "practice" at my expense lately.

But back to my OB (for the record her hands are clean in all of this, she did not deliver my baby and was not present in any of the subsequent procedures) it is time to say good-bye to her.  She had tears welling up in her eyes...I have known her for almost 7 years now, she has seen me through my greatest joys and my lowest of sorrows...and now it was was weird saying goodbye to was kind of like when you break up with someone you still care about but you know it is for the best.  She told me that no matter what she is still my doctor and I can call her anytime I need her.  Now, I do really consider myself lucky to have had her as my doctor but I am hoping that our relationship will just be a fond memory.  But, if you read one of my earlier blogs you know that I am terrified that in addition to screwing up my c-section Romeo, the hairless kid wonder, also effed up tying my tubes.  Now to be honest I didn't do much research on the procedure and in my mind they were going to be tied into cute little bows and that would be it.    Well, in the past I have used Google for good...looking up recipes, toys, directions, etc.  Turns out you can use it for evil too.  Since I have had a ton of idle time on my hands lately I have been googling everything under the sun.  There are WAY more search results for "Tubal Ligation Failure Rates" than there is for straight up  "Tubal Ligation"...the web is full of medical studies, articles and a boatload of personal accounts of tied tubes failing.  I have seen stats saying up to 3 out of every 1,000 failing.  If you have been following my blog for the past two years you know the kind of luck I have...You know what?  Chuck and I are best friends...I think we will get along as plain old roommates just fine.

So my doctor says I can return to "regular activity" in two weeks.  She doesn't want me to push things and pop open the hole.  That means I get to go back to work in two weeks.  YAY!!  I am not saying one is better than the other, but, for me personally I like getting out and going to work.  I have a lot of respect for stay at home moms, that is the toughest job in the world!!  I am not cut out for it...someone would eventually lose their life and I am not saying who, but for the record I am bigger and stronger than all three of my children.  So you do the math...

So when all is said and done I will have been relatively inactive for 15 weeks.  I have been allowed to do daily living activities but nothing beyond that.  So that has not been helpful in trying to get the baby weight off.  Let's called a spade a spade...I am pretty soft around the middle theses days.  I would like to blame it all on the baby and the medical clusterf*ck that ensued that way I would not have to take any personal responsibility, addiction to Dunkin' Donuts Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate and their Red Velvet Drizzle donut may or may not have played a part in my post baby weight issues.  The biggest mistake I made was taking my first sip...I was hooked from the get-go.  I am not going to lie it has become a big problem!  They say admitting it is the first step, right?  Well it has gotten so bad that I am making excuses to go get the most delicious combo every introduced.  Hey Sara, you didn't cry today?  Hot cocoa!  The baby is sleeping in the car?  Let me swing through the drive thru to kill some time.  This next one is the was a snowy day and I was really jonesing for a salty car (that is my code for salted caramel hot chocolate) and I needed to come up with a plausible excuse to get my 4th in a week.  Here is what I came up with.  I decided to make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner...oops!  No garlic bread...hmm, what to do?  what to do?  I know!  When I pick Sara up from school we will go through the drive thru and get some french bread rolls (yes, they sell those at Dunks, you're welcome!) if I had to explain myself to anyone I could justify it by saying that it was the middle of a snowstorm, the weather was too bad to drag the baby out to the grocery store and my kids needed bread damn it!  Off to the Dunk we go...oh and since we are there I might as well get a salty car to go...why waste the trip?  See, I can justify anything and now you can see why I had to get off the pain meds ASAP!  Which leads me to my newest fantasy...I told you I was afraid to be alone in a room with my husband for fear of being the 1 out of a thousand that gets pregnant despite medical efforts not now I've got The Coop...let me set the scene (don't worry, there is no way it will get sexual, give it a minute and you will see why)  So I am home alone and the doorbell rings.  I answer it.  Staring at me with his piercing blue eyes is the Silver Fox himself.  As if Anderson Cooper showing up at my door was not enough, he is holding a large Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate AND a Red Velvet Drizzled Donut!!  He comes in and we sit on the couch and get down to business, forget talking about the Bashar al-Assad Regime, forget the debacle that is Obamacare, forget keeping them honest...we go straight for the good stuff; little man babies, prancercising and Gerard Depardieu.  We giggle all night long sipping our cocoa's and nibbling on our donuts.  Some people have Cinemax, I have The Coop...

I need to nip this addiction in the bud soon...I really want to have a wardrobe that does not include maternity yoga if after the holidays you see me about to put any type of crap in my mouth feel free to slap it right out of my hand.

So thankfully this chapter of my life seems to be coming to a close and the girls get a kick-ass doctor's kit out of it.  I gave them all of the leftover medical supplies to play with, even the seaweed!  They have been witnesses to so much the past few months, as Chuck likes to say with a far away,knowing look in his eyes, "I have seen things...", the girls have been processing it through their play...their poor babies have been getting the brunt of it...Oh, and this morning Sara was playing "health insurance"...hopefully I haven't scarred them for life.

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