Thursday, July 10, 2014

Did that really just come out of my mouth? General Family Announcements

There are many times I want to call one of my family members out on something, but, in an effort to protect their self-esteem I just make "general family announcements".  That way no one is put on the spot and made to feel bad.  Here are a few of the recent General Family Announcements I have had to make;

* "If you need to get something out of your nose please use a tissue, do not wipe it on your dress".  Feel free to substitute dress with; wall, couch, floor, ceiling (we have bunk beds), dance costume, toilet paper roll or me!  Sadly, I have had to use all of those in place of dress and many more!!!

* "If you poop please flush it down the one wants to see it."

 * "If you do manage to poop on the toilet please use toilet paper to wipe."  On more than one occasion I have found a floater and mysteriously there is no toilet paper with it.

* "If by some miracle you do remember to use toilet paper to wipe your poop please for the love of God flush it down the toilet and not leave it in the bathroom trash!"  I think I need to hold a remedial toileting class over here.

* "No one is putting soap in anyone's butt crack!"

* "This is supposed to be the summer of fun damn it!  Can you all stop crying and have fun for Christ's sake?"

* "No putting your finger in the kitty's bum!"  This wasn't truly a General Family Announcement...this was directed specifically at Emily.  Our cat Lucy is all black except for her bright white balloon knot (that is how I refer to her butt hole...sounds a little more pleasant, right?)...Emily has made it her life's mission to try and get her finger in there.  In Em's defense the cat does prance around with that thing glowing like a flippin' bulls-eye.

* "It's quite a life we have carved out for ourselves here.  How about we leave it all behind, move to Montana and just live in a shack?"  Again, not a General Family Announcement...just a question Chuck posed to me last night and without hesitation I said a resounding "YES"!  Not sure if he meant taking the kids with us or alone, again, my answer was a resounding YES!

*"If you lick the powder off a donut please either eat it or throw it away...don't put naked, wet donuts back in the box."

* "Tampons are not toys."

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