Saturday, June 21, 2014

Face down, booty up...Timber? Yeah, not exactly like that!

OK… I did find myself in that position the other day but, as you can probably guess it was not in the sexy Kesha/Pitbull kind of way.  Nope…but it is quite the story anyway.  So we recently got one of those bright blue, above the ground pools that are popping up everywhere.  It has been the best $250 we have ever spent.  If you know me then you know that I am a complete believer in spontaneous human combustion and I am entirely convinced that is how I am going to meet my demise.  I think I may have blogged about that exact subject a summer or two ago.  But back to the story.  We have been using the pool a lot.  Now I am all for reusing a towel for a swim session or 2, but Sara and Anna just think that is disgusting…especially if the towel is still damp from the morning swim.  So we have been going through towels at an alarming rate.  The other day I went to the closet to grab a towel before jumping in the shower.  We had no clean towels…they were all either in the hamper or in the washer.  It was not an optional shower…I was getting ready for work.  I had to come up with a Plan B.  Soooo, I grabbed myself a table cloth.  Yup, I was going to dry off with a table cloth.  Fortunately we have a ton of those at the ready at all times…not because we are fancy folk…quite the opposite, my children can be gross and they have ruined our dining table so we are forced to use table cloths 24/7.  I used to buy pretty ones but I learned quickly to buy sensible ones that are exactly the same on the front and back.  Why you ask?  Oh, that is easy…when it gets dirty I can brush the crumbs off and flip it over and get a few more days out of it.       So, I take my shower and I wrap myself up in the table cloth.  Truth be told, they are not very absorbent…but in a pinch they will do.  Also, in an effort to be completely transparent this was not my first time wrapped up in a table linen.  Sadly, I have had to do this about 3 times in as many weeks.  Now, I am not advocating the use of a perfectly good table cloth as a towel and I am sure Martha Stewart would vomit if she saw me disrespecting the cloth that way, but feel free to use my Plan B whenever you see fit. 

So of course in the midst of showering the girls need me for 20 different things.  So here I am wrapped in a nice maroon brocade making my way into the kitchen to see what Sara’s snack emergency is when my foot gets caught up in my make shift towel and I fall, you guessed it, face down, ass up on the kitchen floor.  As I am laying there thinking about where I went wrong in life, I bleep you not, Anna steps over my legs, comes up to my face and asks me if she can have a drink…living the dream my friends, living the dream.

So back to the spontaneous combustion…I hate the summer…I get really hot, really fast.  On another recent day I took a shower at about 7 a.m.  I did not have to be at work until 11 a.m.  From the time I showered until I had to drive to work I had to get all 3 kids breakfast, get them dressed, drive Sara to school, run to Walmart and drop the kids off at my mother in law’s house.  I did have a 20 minute span at home before dropping Anna and Emily off.  Thank Christ because my shower really didn’t “take”.  I was sweating and really getting kind of musky.  I took a mommy sponge bath (washing up with baby wipes)…come on, you know you have all done it.  But I still did not feel fresh enough to be around the general public.  Now, most people would grab for a bottle of perfume to give themselves a little boost.  I don’t have any perfume.  I haven’t in a while.  I used to be such a perfume addict.  I am a total 80’s girl at heart; I think Design by Sebastian is hands down one of the all time best perfumes EVER!  I did graduate to a more exotic scent while living in Spain…Carmen was my scent of choice in the 90’s.  It was spicy and had a little kick to it.  I am pretty sure it was more for a middle aged senorita having a mid-life crisis than a twenty something but I didn’t care.  No one else had it and that made me want it even more.  I would buy a big bottle and when it was empty a year later I would book a flight back to Barcelona to stock up on Carmen and Bollycaos.  How you doin’ Joaquin?  I hope you said that in Wendy William’s voice.   That came to end in the mid 2000’s.  I met Chuck and my priorities changed…I opted for Light Blue…easily accessible here in the states.  After the kids came along I was a total mom and started using $10 body sprays instead.  Oh, the glamorous life of a mother.  Oh, so back to the reason I don’t have any perfume…the NICU is scent free…since I really don’t go anywhere other than work I have no real reason to buy perfume.  So, to make my long story even longer let’s recap….I was hot and sweaty…1st shower didn’t take and my mommy sponge bath didn’t leave me with a fresh feeling.  What the heck was I going to do?  Yeah, I was going to work and yeah, I know the NICU is scent free but technically B.O. is a scent and not a pleasant one.  I needed to do something to mitigate my rank because it was not fair to subject my co-workers to such an unpleasant smell for 8 hours.  I looked around and then the answer to my problem appeared right in front of me.  OK, not RIGHT in front of me, but on the kitchen counter.  I grabbed the bottle of Febreeze, sprayed it and walked right through that ‘Fresh Rain’ as if I were walking through a light sun shower on a beautiful spring afternoon.  I swear I could hear birds chirping and frogs croaking.  Problem solved! 

Sometimes I amaze myself with my ability to remain calm and rational in crisis situations...I mean discovering an empty linen closet and finding a way to dry off and finding a way to smell fresh and clean when there is no time for a 2nd shower without missing a beat.  That takes great skill.  I am giving you all permission to use a table cloth as a towel and Febreeze as your new fragrance…I am sure none of you will ever admit to it but, I am just as sure at least one of you, when faced with similar adversity, will remember this and take control of the situation and to that I say, “You’re Welcome!!”

No comments:

Post a Comment