Sunday, November 30, 2014

I Believe...

Since I am blessed with so much free time, yeah right...I waste most of it analyzing my life.  Here are some truths I have come to wholeheartedly believe;

*  I believe that our cat Lucy is an A-hole with a capital A.  If I had not instilled in my kids that when you take a pet into your home it is forever, she would have been gone long ago.  Did you know house cats can live upwards of 20 years...Lucy is only about 8.  Awesome!

*  I believe we have failed Emily as parents.  At 14 months old she knows how to turn on the ipad, find Youtube and watch Peppa Pig.  Yet she struggles with her shape sorter.  McDonalds is always hiring I guess.

*  I believe Common Core math is the downfall of the American educational system.  After the struggles we have had with Sara and her 1st grade homework it may even become the final straw in her seeking emancipation from us.

*  I believe my recent prescription for a low dose sleep medication quite possibly saved my life.  I know for an absolute fact it kept my family from being the next topic of discussion on the Nancy Grace show.

*  I believe once Emily hits school we are going to be spending a lot of time in the principal's office.  She is unbearably cute but man is she a terror!  I already picture her sitting at her little school desk with her chair leaned back, feet on the desk, cracking all the students up with her fake burping sounds.

*  I believe I am pregnant.  Every month.  Dr. Romeo G., the jackass that botched my c-section is the same ass clown that performed my tubal ligation.  Did you know 5 out of every 1,000 tubals fail?  I am not liking those odds.

*  I believe that if Anderson Cooper and I ever met we would be BFF's.  I know he comes from untold fame and fortune, I mean he is a Vanderbilt after all...and I am just a regular, everyday housewife but he would get me.  Really get me and my sense of humor.  Come on Coop...give me a call so we can hang out!

*  I believe that the Dollar Tree should preemptively supply a needle and thread with their stuffed animals.  Anna loves to get one when we are there.   Within an hour of getting it home I have to go all Doc McStuffins on them and sew up a pulled apart seam.

*  I believe that despite being told all through my formative years that I can do anything I set my mind too, I really can't.   I need to give up the idea that I can be my own hairdresser.  I have tried countless times to color my own hair and guess what?  Every time it is a MAJOR fail.  The dark black hair I am sporting right now is exhibit A.  It was supposed to be "medium warm brown".

*   I believe that no matter how hard one tries, you can never, under any circumstance look cool driving a minivan. 

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