Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Augmentin...not just for ear infections anymore!!

Totally throwing in the towel.  I have completely given up on trying to anything close to "parenting" today.  I just gave my 13 month old a Kit-Kat for breakfast.  For my foreign blog followers that is a chocolate covered cookie. 

 All 3 of my girls are sick.  All 3 have croup so they have been coughing all night to the point of puking.  Gotta love changing phlegm filled sheets at midnight, 2 AND 3 a.m. Sara has a fever, that is awesome because she is so even keeled baseline, yeah right, throw in a fever and... we have Cybil. 

 Anna is weepy and crying over EVERYTHING.  She has spilled her cereal on the couch twice already...both times completely devastating.  

My lower back has been teetering on the edge of breaking for several days now.  My back finally gave out picking Em up as she tried to crawl off the bed.  Took 4 Tylenol and 1 Advil...can at least move now.

As I was making breakfast Anna gave Em the tissue box "because she wanted it" and she pulled out all the tissues and shredded them on the floor.

Gave Em one of these egg muffin cups I made for my Weight Watchers challenge I am doing, she seemed to love it up until she didn't...then puked it all up on her highchair tray.  

It is only 6:35.  Though it feels like midday since I have been up since midnight.  But that's ok.  Really, it is.  You see I am really, really close to breaking the world record for surviving on the least amount of sleep ever.  Since I gave Emily, still technically an infant, candy for breakfast I may be out of the running for "Mother of the Year 2014"...the complete lack of sleep may be the only accolade I receive this year.  I am a little sad, I was pretty sure I had a decent shot at that Mother of the Year trophy.  Oh well, there is always 2015.

On top of croup Emily has an ear infection.  I am just going to say it...it flat out sucks trying to give a strong willed baby medicine when you have no back muscles to actually hold said baby in any kind of productive way.  I did however realize that in a pinch dried Augmentin can be used to patch drywall.  When that sh*t dries it is like flippin cement.  I know this because with each dose I give about half of it ends up on my clothes, the couch or Emily's face.  It is a bitch to try and get off once it sets in.  

Another valuable lesson I have learned; having a snot-nosed toddler is a very slippery slope to full on white trash.  The girls and I have made that transition with ease.  If Maury and Jerry Springer were out for a walk together and they happened upon my house they would have a knock-down drag out to have us as an exclusive.  Now, fortunately I do know who the father of my children is so I have that going for me, beyond that the girls and I could very easily replace Mama June and her disgusting brood without anyone noticing.  The house is beyond messy.  It is bordering on squalor.  Every craft supply we have is strewn across the floor in the kitchen.  Emily loves to take the cat's dry food and add it to their water bowl, she is convinced they like this sloppy stew she makes for them.  They do not.  The dishes are piled up and if I don't get a burst of energy and actually load the dishwasher it is looking like the kids will be drinking their milk out of Tupperware bowls at lunch time.  I could always play that one off to having a "Turn a Round Tuesday"  where we do everything silly and different.  Huh, like that one?  I am good when forced into a sleep deprived corner.  There are toys everywhere.  I also walked in the kitchen and heard a crack.  I stepped on a plastic spoon.  Turns out there is a whole box of plastic spoons flung around the floor.  Yeah, that's about right. The couch no longer has cushions on it, obviously.  There are cracker crumbs ground into any open floor surface.   If DCF were to show up at my door I am sure the media would be alerted and you would see us on the 6 o'clock news dubbed the next "House of Horrors".  Victoria, I will give you the exclusive rights to the story. 

The baby's face is constantly covered in snot.  I have tried keeping up with it but it is like trying to tame Niagara Falls with a fishing net.  Really, what's the point?  Oh and get this...Emily has amazing timing with meeting her developmental milestones.  Just this weekend she figured out her finger fits perfectly inside her nose!  Yay! (that was said in a quiet, sarcastic voice with my hands half halfheartedly raised)  So now in addition to blowing snot bubbles she lovingly picks stuff out and gets so excited to share her treasures with whomever is the closest to her.  I swear Sara is this close to having an aneurism from seeing Emily constantly digging for gold.  So every now and then Em's nose does take a break and that is fun.  It crusts over and then I have the privilege only mommies get of picking someone else's nose.  I do try to wipe her face clean from time to time, the boogers act like crazy glue so her face is constantly covered with lint, cat hair and just general household grime...but whenever she sees the cloth coming she breaks into what I like to refer to as "the Matrix mode"...she can twist, turn and contort her little 20 pound body in ways that defy all laws of physics. Emily just crawled into the kitchen with a wad of cat hair stuck to her hand...I can only imagine how that went down...patting the cat saying "Niii" (that is how she says nice) and the cat more than likely tried to escape but the cat had no real chance...baby snot is a formidable opponent...the cat ran and the fur stayed.  Poor kitty.  Oh, great news!!  the antibiotic Emily is on will give her diarrhea...her pedi told me so.  Isn't that fantastic?  Looking forward to that!   I was thinking of jumping on the whole Ebola freakout bandwagon and picking up some Tyvek suits from Home Depot.  Maybe that way I have a fighting chance of not getting covered in baby snot again today.  But then I figured, meh who cares?  I will just add my crusted over sweats to the 30 other loads of gross laundry we already have.. 

Anna just asked me for a snack and wanted Halloween candy.  I said, sure, whatever you want.  She said, "mom it IS still kind of morning."  Yeah, I know...I am just too tired to be a good mom today.  She looked at me kind of confused, the look was only fleeting as she ran to the candy bowl and loaded up on Smarties and Peanut Butter cups.

I have given up.  I do blame it on my kids.  Seriously, they are kind of little sh*ts...they could have staggered their illnesses, maybe one a week overlapping at the most 2 kids for no more than 12 hours.  They have been doing that for the past 2 months and I have been keeping up.  All 3 at once?  UGH!!!  I am thinking I must have been jack the Ripper in a previous life.  Honestly, why else would I be punished like this?  I love Emily more than life itself, however, having a child at 40 sounded like a good idea...when it was a hypothetical.  I am going to be 42 in a few weeks.  I am too old for this crap!!!



  1. I only have 2 ..but i completely felt like this this past week having both of them sick 3 year old and 15 month old. Misery loves company! lol...hope your kids feel better

    1. wow im sooo sleep deprived this post is over a month old! lol whoops