Tuesday, December 16, 2014

"You clearly aren't a teenager"

So I have since I turned 42 a few weeks back I have been having a bit of a reality check.  I am in my 40's.  Leading up to 40 was kind of crappy.  Then when I turned 40 it wasn't too bad because a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant... something I had been hoping for for a really long time.  Then 41 came and it was still alright because I had my sweet little newborn.  Now at 42 I am officially IN my 40's.  Like the saying goes, "it is what it is"...and I was just going to have to accept it...plus, I thought, it's not like I LOOK like I am in my 40's.  I think I could easily pass for much, much younger.  Apparently the local police department does not feel the same.

I was pulled over the other night...I get my registration and license ready ( oh Chuck was in his car right behind me and he just drives right by me....way to have my back babe!)..the officer comes to my window and says, "your all set mam, we are looking for a silver minivan with 2 teenagers in it...you clearly aren't a teenager." "Hey that is police brutality!" I said. The officer chuckled and sent me on my way.

While driving home my rage began to build.  "Clearly"...really it was dark out, was it really that clear I wasn't a teenager?  Maybe I was a a wild, throw caution to the wind, hot wire a minivan and go for a joy ride, reckless teen.  How did he know without properly checking my ID?  Maybe I was driving around with a fake ID?  How did he know I wasn't 19 and still using my Joanie Jacamoni alter ego?  Now, of course none of that was true but did he have to put such emphasis on the word "clearly".  As the outrage grew during my little 1.5 mile drive home I decided I was not going to stand for this damn it!  

African American's had MLK, women had Gloria Steinem, the gay community had Harvey Milk, who the hell do the elderly have?  Betty White? Should I really call in Rose from the Golden Girls to defend my fellow octogenarians?  Because "clearly" I am over the hill.  I am calling the AARP and the protests will start at sundown I thought, looting of the local medical supply store to commence at midnight...walkers, canes and compression socks for all! 

 The day after I got pulled over I came home and found a message on my answering machine...it was AARP calling me about a subscription!   I have since received 2 more messages from them.  A$$holes! After careful consideration and the fear of potentially breaking a hip I called off the protests.  I did however ask Santa for a towel this Christmas...so I could throw it in!!  I am going to start watching Murder She Wrote and basically anything starring Angela Landsbury.  I just ordered myself one of those sweet housecoats you can only find in the back of the coupon magazines that come in the Sunday paper.  I stocked up on hard candies to have in a bowl on a side table and yes, I will have the requisite old person lace doilies under it.  Oh, and I am working on gathering plenty of nick-knacks to have on the table too.  Not sure why but once you hit a certain age your house seems to fill up with nick knacks and, according to the cop I am now that age.  Oh, and as I am typing this I have a  stash of tissues up my shirt sleeve...because you never know.  I am also wearing a sweatshirt with multiple layers of applique...because that's how grannies role.  I have secretly started weeding through the kids stuffed animals and anything on the smaller side now resides in the back window of my car, again, not sure what that is about, but, since I am "clearly" ancient I felt compelled to surround myself with stuffies.  While checking my email today I had a message in my inbox from "Senior Singles"...I am seriously considering checking that one out because, if you remember Chuck left me on the side of the while I was being stopped. 

So, as I carefully open the towel I asked Santa for this year, but before I throw it in, I will carefully fold up the wrapping  paper and save it for next year, because "clearly" that is what on old lady should do.

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