Saturday, March 21, 2015

Accidental Fecal Release

Again, sorry for the huge gap between posts.  I have not been in the mood to write since my mom died.  Anyway, I figured I would give it a try today and see if I can write myself out of the funk I have been in.  Here goes...

So after coming home from my mom's services I decided we needed a distraction from all the sadness we had just endured.  Chuck agreed and we hastily booked an overnight at the new Great Wolf Lodge that opened up not too far from us.  We booked the fancy room with the Wolf Den bedroom for the anything cool we try to do, it, of course came back to bite us in the ass.  So two days later we spring the kids from school a little early and head to the hotel.  Chuck and I are so excited because we have kept it a secret from them.  We are driving in the middle of nowhere and neither of them ask where we are going...I am so disappointed.  Finally about 5 minutes from GWL I make them guess where we are going.  After a boatload of clues Sara figures it out.

So we get to the hotel, get registered and settle into our room.  The girls are so excited and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the cool wolf den bedroom with the bunk beds.  We get our bathing suits on and head for the water park.  There are so many cool water slides, wave pools and water toys kids will be entertained for hours.  Yeah, except mine.  Safety Sara insists on wearing one of the community life jackets provided by the park...even when she is in the wave pool.  Oh, and when I say she is "in" the wave pool I mean her feet, ankles and her shins are in the wave pool.  Yet, she still insists on the life vest.  I guess you never can be too careful.  On the complete opposite end of the spectrum we have Emily, the baby, whom left to her own devices would sail over Niagara Falls in a barrel if we let her.  That kid has no fear and no sense.  Not a good combo in an everyday setting, a recipe for disaster in a water park.  Poor Chuck was on Emily duty for most of the trip.  Then we have Anna...she had fun for about 28 minutes and then decided she was done.  So we change up, have dinner and hit the arcade.

Bedtime comes and they excitedly climb into the bunk beds in the wolf den.  The baby is in the pack and play and Chuck and I settle into our bed.  I am so physically and emotionally exhausted I just want to get a good night's sleep.  Not more than three tenths of a second after I close my eyes I hear it..." mom..."  OK, so one of my children has long straight hair that she parts in the middle and she is an extremely pale child.  I swear to all that is holy on more than one occasion she has woken me from a deep sleep and when I see her standing over me in my bed I nearly sh*t myself thinking she is a ghost.  Anyway, back to the story...without boring you with all the details Sara is terrified of the wolf wallpaper that is their little bedroom...she ends up in bed with Chuck and I end up on the pull-out couch...oh, and at some point the baby ends up on the couch with me.

So morning comes and we get ready for the water park again.  We head down and are about 30 minutes too early so we hang out in the arcade.  I need to use the bathroom so I head back to our room...and wouldn't you know it...friggin fire alarm is going off so we can't get back to our room!!  I only brought one bathing suit and it is still damp from the day before so in addition to having to hold my pee indefinitely (sorry, there is no way in hell I am going to pull my bathing suit down and be pretty much naked in a public bathroom) I am freezing.

So we spend some time wading ankle deep in the pools.  When the girls have had their fill of the human stew that is a public pool we change up and have lunch.  As we are heading back to the kiddie rides we get handed a formal memo from one of the life guards outside of the pool.  I take a glance at it and it says the pool will be closed due to an "Accidental Fecal Release"...huh?  Oh my God!  Someone sh*t in the pool!  Someone sh*t in the pool and now it is closed.  Now, of course this being me and my family it is no ordinary poop.  No my friends, this is super poop!  Cryptosporidium to be exact.  Now, you may not be familiar with this super sh*t butt, pun intended, being the nerd I am I knew exactly what it was.  I am an avid viewer of Monsters Inside of Me.  Dan Riskin, the biologist that hosts the show is a friend in my head.  I swear to God if someone gets infected with Bot Bot fly larvae I could remove that thing in my sleep.  So if you feel something crawling around in your head and you recently spent time in the tropics give me a call and head over with some Vaseline and tweezers...I can have you good as new in no time.  But back to the Crypto.  So the memo goes on and says that the pool will need to be closed for 18-24 hours per the CDC!!  Yeah, it is that kind of super poop!  Cryptosporidium is not your run of the mill is sh*t that is encased in a hard shell.  I sh*t you not!!  It is crap ensconced in shell a la M&M's.  So seeing that I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy I start envisioning some kid popping a squat in the corner of the pool unleashing a torrent of mini M & M-style crap out of their ass. 

Now I am curious, how did they know it was super sh*t and not just your everyday turd?  Who has that glamorous job of testing each loaf?  I hope they get combat pay for that duty...ha-ha...see what I did there?  Duty?  Oh, and how do they know it was an "accidental" release?  Maybe some parent had it and was ready to stick needles in their eyes and decided to take their morning sit-down in the pool instead.  I mean it is kind of a brilliant plan.  Think about it.  Once the pool is closed there really isn't that much to do and you could pack it in early and head home.  Or, another thought I had was this; there is alcohol available for the adults.  A lot of alcohol.  Maybe one of the dads had a few too many the night before during the mind numbing story time/dance party.  It is conceivable that while in the pool with his kids he let one rip and unfortunately it was more than a fart.  Who knows?  It could have been a case of the beer sh*ts that shut the place down.  I guess I will never know.

Since returning from Great Wolf Lodge I have heard from 2 friends that have gone.  Both of them reported being the victims of an AFR.  That is what they call them there.  I guess they happen  so frequently the staff can't be bothered to say it in full each time.  An Accidental Fecal Release is so common it is now simply referred to as an "AFR". 

So the take away from our Great Wolf Lodge adventure is this; don't pay extra for the fun kids room if any of your children are afraid of paper wolves potentially attacking them in their sleep, bring your own Clorox bleach never know when you may need to bleach your entire family down and if you think you may have to urge to stick needles in your eyes due to excess forced family fun, make sure to have a pack of mini M & M's on hand so you can inconspicuously drop them in the pool and yell, "Holy Sh*t!  We have an AFR over here!!"  You are welcome!

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