So I am not one to fall victim to trends or fads on Facebook. You will never see any #TBT pictures on my timeline. I have never and will never "hash tag" anything....Oh, when did the pound sign become a hash tag? And when for the love of God did the number sign change to a pound sign? I don’t pass along any of the electronic chain letters I get. I don’t forward things to five friends. I won’t tell you how we met so you can assign me a number or whatever the heck people get assigned. I also never get into the whole month of gratitude. It always cracks me up seeing this poignant posts on people’s walls during November…I want to comment, “umm…I know you in real life…you are not that deep…you really are saying you are grateful for cozy socks, hot cider and a good book?...wasn’t it just last week you were complaining about the smell on the T, the jackass from the parent drop-off lane and the dumbass at Dunkin Donuts that can’t get your order right?” Anyway, back to my post…I decided it was high time I share with all of you some of the things I am thankful for.
- Thank you Pop Tarts. Just as I was feeling bad about eating two of your chocolate crap cakes for breakfast I saw right on the box you are cholesterol free. So my breakfast was kind of healthy after all.
- Thank you Emily for waking me up at 5:03 a.m. EVERY. DAY. If you did not reach over and pull my eyelid open and stare at me while asking for “Peppa” I might forget to wake up and miss out on my day.
- Thank you again to Emily for somehow finding your way into my bed each night. It's not like I really want a good night's sleep anyway.
- Thank you to all of my children for staying up past 8 p.m. If you went to bed on time I would actually get a chance to watch my crush, the one and only Anderson Cooper...thank you for taking away my 60 minutes of happiness.
- While we are talking about the lovely Anderson Cooper, thank you to the world for being so effed up I can’t watch the Coop while my children are awake.
- Thank you Anna for collecting and storing in Ziplock bags the cat whiskers, cat nail trimmings and rogue cat hair wisps you find around the house. I may be the mother to a budding serial killer but at least the house is free of cat hair.
- Thank you to the TV channel TLC and your show My 600 lb. life. If it weren’t for you I may have put down the bag of Doritoes after a few chips, but, thanks to your programming I ate the whole bag and felt validated in my decision to “go all in”…bring on the scooter!
- Thank you to first grade Common Core Math for solidifying my 7 year old’s burgeoning sense that her mother really doesn’t know everything.
- Thank you peri menopuase for effing up my body. I really was hoping at some point to relive my teenage acne…oh, and I always had dreams of running away with the circus…thanks to you I am single-handedly keeping Clearasil in business and I am well on my way to being able to fill in for the bearded lady should she need to take a leave. You are just awesome!
Thank you to anyone who made it through my cranky post. #youarewaybetterthanme