In this year of our Lord two thousand and fifteen, I can formally announce it has happened. I know many of you thought this day had already come, but you can all rest assured it is now official....the world's worst hair cut ever has been given. I am the lucky recipient. In thinking of how I would describe this abomination to you I can honestly say words failed me. I am having an incredibly difficult time finding the words to describe what has happened on top of my head. I will try my best, but, in all fairness to my faithful readers, the words I type will in no way, shape or form truly convey the horror that is now my new style.
I have no one to blame but myself. I haven't had my hair cut in a few months...it is a shorter hairstyle so realistically I should be in the salon every 5 weeks. It was really shaggy and out of control. I have been putting off making an appointment because I really haven't been in the mood to be out and about in society lately. Plus, I can't justify spending $70 for a 10 minute hair cut when I have 3 kids. The money can be put to better use. So even though I know I am going to come out disappointed I strayed from the regular salon and opted for a more economical cut.
I explain what I want to the stylist. Stick to the same shape of the cut I have, just cut about 1/2 an inch off. So she gets to work; washes, cuts and blow dries it. It didn't look any different from when I walked in...in fact, it somehow looked even longer and scragglier. I voiced my concerns in a very nice way...she wet it again and got to work. I was only half paying attention because Sara decided to get her hair done also, so as I was getting cut I was chatting with Sara's stylist. Big Mistake!! When I finally looked in the mirror I was horrified. Somehow she managed to defy all laws of physics and cut the top short and leave the back and sides longer, yet there was a circle of longer hair that was standing at attention right in the center of my head. Kind of like a 3 tiered cake. I know you are thinking, oh, like a mullet? I wish it were a mullet...then there would be at least a name for it. A traditional mullet is short on the top AND sides while longer in the back. This is short on the top and longer on the SIDES and back. I know it is hard to picture so let's see if I can paint a more descriptive picture for you; so imagine an old man--bald on top with long scraggly hair around his whole head....kind of like Friar Tuck. Then take that same man and put a really short toupee on top making sure it is kind of off center and askew. Yeah, that is a good start. Oh, then add a cowlick right in the front. In 42 years I have never had a cowlick there but magically one appeared after this chick's handy work.
I wish that were the end of the worst hair cut ever, but no my friends...it is even better. On the left hand side of my head she left about 30 hairs untouched. I have a tuft of hair sticking out a good two inches longer than the rest. Hmmm...what to do? What to do? I have a couple of fantastic options; 1. I could leave it and just have it blowing in the wind and make people try and figure out if that were a special request on my part, 2. I could braid it into a rat tail and bring the late 80's back, or 3. I could curl it into a pretty little tendril and place baby's breath throughout. I decided to take scissors to it and cut that sh*t off.
So there I was sitting in the salon with what is unequivocally the worst hair cut ever when a dad walks in with his two young impressionable daughters. I know they were looking at me, though trying to not look too closely for fear of their corneas burning off, wondering if I am the "before" or "after" version of myself. Poor things...they had such pretty hair when they walked in...
When you see me out and about no need to tell me it really isn't "that bad". I have spent most of last night and early this morning painstakingly cutting each individual hair to try and get it to at least blend and not look like some futuristic, shelf looking, cheap toupee. I keep telling myself it is only hair it will grow back. For the next few weeks I will be going heavy on the eye make-up trying to distract the world and have them focus on my baby blues instead of the bird's nest atop my noggin.
So I am giving Chuck a free pass. If he wants to divorce me I will not
contest him. It is not because I do not love him, quite the opposite I
do very much. In our vows I remember saying things to the effect of; for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health...I do not, however remember any caveat about in good hair and in bad. This is about as bad as it gets.
Now, who knows? Maybe she is fantastic at what she does and was just pissed off at me for questioning her stylistic abilities after her first go around with my hair. Maybe this is just hair dresser karma. Maybe I should have just left well enough alone. Or maybe she flat out sucks. I will never know for sure. What I do know for sure is that you all can rest easy the next time you sit in your stylist's chair...you will get a decent hair cut. The worst cut ever has come and gone, and I have taken one for the whole human race. You are welcome!