Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Joys of Motherhood...

Being a mom is amazing.  I love my girls more than I ever thought possible.  That being said, today sucked.  I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it actually sucked ass.  Yup, I said it.  There was nothing joyful about my day today.  Let me take you through the past 15 hours...

It all started when I woke up at 5:30.  Wait, let me rephrase all started at 5:30 am when Anna came in to my bed with me...I am rephrasing because to say "woke up" one would have had been asleep.  I was not.  Sara slept with me in my bed last night.  Again, I should rephrase...she did not sleep "with" me because I did not sleep.  Instead she slept next to me while I lay awake staring at the clock as my opportunity to sleep ticked away.  Sara's 3 foot, 34 pound body takes up more room in a bed than a 450 pound sumo wrestler.  I have no idea how that is possible but it is true.  Why was she sleeping with me?  Oh, that is easy.  She has not pooped in almost 2 weeks, so she is miserable, uncomfortable and loud.  Didn't want her to keep Anna up too.

So back to Anna coming in my room.  She does that every morning and it is usually the best part of my day.  She comes in without saying anything and just snuggles a bit and falls back asleep for a while.  She is so cozy and snugly.  Well this morning she was pissed that Sara was already in bed with me.  So she voices her protest and now everyone is awake.  AWESOME!!!  So the whole a.m. routine starts 2 hours early.  Breakfasts to make, diapers to change, etc. etc.   Just to mix it up a bit we are hit with an awful thunderstorm.  So Anna is up my ass for the next hour and a half.  But she is 2 that is expected.  The friggin new cat Lucy was terrified and would not get off of Sara, so she is miserable from being full of sh*t and now the cat is clinging to her for dear life.  So Sara is crying and the cat is meowing.  It is only 8 a.m!

The storm passes and we move on.  Meanwhile I have given Sara, Anna and Sara&Anna combo 4 tubs so far.  Sometimes Sara is able to make some "progress" while in the tub.  But if she is going to poop in there Anna can't be in with her.   I guess she could but that is just gross.  I am sure Anna pees every time they are in the tub but since I can't actually see the pee I have no proof therefore I pretend it doesn't happen.  Poop is harder to ignore.  Since they are little girls and since we have already established that poop is gross I have to bleach the tub down after every tub.  If any of you have been to my house you know how tiny my bathroom is. The act of properly bleaching it down is a Cirque du Soliel side show.  No real progress has been made.

In between Sara's screaming and sitting on the floor shaking fits I have made breakfasts/played Barbies and started cooking lunch.  It is only 10:45 a.m!

For the most part my girls are very nice to each other, they really look out for each other.  Anna heard Sara crying a few times and would bring her something special.  I praised her up and down for being such a nice sister (because if you have read some of my previous posts you know that depending on her mood Anna can turn on a dime and be mean to Sara).  I think Anna liked the attention and kept bringing Sara a ton of gifts.  She would come in and look at me with a smirk before handing it to Sara.  Sara was getting pissed...all of these presents were taking up her personal space and she could not rock in the fetal position any more.  So she yells at Anna and Anna gets mad and tells her to go away, she doesn't want to hear her baby cry anymore.  Now the gloves are off and they are just going after each other.

So I serve lunch that no one eats.  So I finally get a minute to sit down to eat my lunch (which is actually breakfast that I never got to) and Sara starts crying that she needs to take another tub.  I ditch my breakfast/lunch and fill the tub.  She gets in, I sit down, take 1 bite and she is crying to get out.  Meanwhile Anna is playing Barbies again and wants me to play.  I can't go any longer than 2 minutes at a time because I have to go console Sara who is pretty much in labor at this point.  So Anna gets mad at me for not playing Barbies and she boos me.  Yes, my 2 year old boos me.  It is her new go to when she is mad at me.  She sounds kind of like the old lady that boos in the Princess Bride.  BOOOO!   BOOO!  BOOO MOMMY!!!  So I am sitting with Sara and then Anna falls off of her tricycle.  Yes, she was riding her trike in the house.  We live on a busy street and they really like to ride their bikes so we let them ride around the house.  It is actually a good way to get them to clean up...they ride through a room and put any toys they find in the bike's basket and drive it to where it belongs.  But I digress...I go give Anna a snuggle since she was hurt.  Now Sara is pissed and throws a silver bracelet thing at me.  Absolutely unacceptable.  So she goes right to time out.  Turns out impossible to enforce since she is on the verge of delivering a monster poop and screams out in pain in increasingly frequent intervals.

I am proud to announce that at 2:31 this afternoon Sara gave birth to a 2 foot long crap.  It was an uneventful water birth.  Both Sara and the turd are doing well.  So Sara gets out of the tub with an incredible spring in her step.  I am left to dredge the tub.  Sadly, that is not the worst thing that will happen to my hands today.  The joys of motherhood!!!  I bleach it down for the 5th time today.

We move on with our day.  What exciting things did we do?  Oh, the girls played on the computers and I got to pick up the house which had been neglected all day.  So needless to say no Silver Fox today.  A day without Anderson Cooper is a day not truly lived.  Thank God for his 10 p.m. show on CNN.

So the house is picked up, dinner is cooking and I work on a batch of Gazpacho for tomorrow.  Don't worry...I have washed/sanitized my hands at least 10 times over before I started cooking.   The gazpacho came out delish by the way. hands did not fair so well.  For the past 2 hours they have been burning thanks to the jalapenos that I chopped.  I actually have been holding ice cubes in my hands for about an hour to no avail.  I have to stop typing every few minutes to cool them off.  I am dreading the minute I feel like I have to pee.  That will top off my perfect day...setting my ass on fire...

So I put Sara to bed and I am about to climb down the bunk bed ladder....yes, I sit with her until she falls asleep...don't judge.  As I turn to climb down I push the blanket out of the way.  Turns out Lucy that friggin cat was curled up in it, she yells at me and takes a swipe at my hand.  It took all my strength not to throw her off the top bunk.  If Sara didn't love her so much she would have been back at the shelter months ago.

Now I am just sitting in the dark writing my blog.  The only relaxation I have had all day...

What makes this day more annoying is that we were invited to a playdate with someone I have been trying to meet up with for a while.  I really wanted to go.  I knew when I had children that they would always come first.  I get it...there are going to be things I have to miss out on...but come on..Somehow whenever I have something I really want to do Sara is in the middle of one of her shit storms.  I made the mistake of going to a cookout during Sara's first clean out.  I was naive.  I had no idea what I was in for.  Well...a brief synopsis...3 hours and 27 diapers later I felt like I had a 40 minute window to pack her up and drive home before round 2 hit.  I can just imagine the conversation that was had when we left the party that day.  It is said that on very hot days you can faintly smell molasses in Boston from the great molasses flood of 1919.  I am sure the same holds true at Helene's house...The folklore goes; on hot summer days you can still smell a faint odor of poop wafting through the air.  Lesson learned after that day and when we are in clean out mode we hunker down in the house until the storm passes.  No matter what the social engagement.  I had to pass up an invitation to Mallorca for Caty and Joaquin's wedding.  I know it is always the right thing to child comes first but it still stinks (pun intended) to have to live my life around a 4 year olds bowel habits.

I know I have mentioned this in a previous post but I would make and awesome doula.  I can support someone through the birthing process like nobodies business.  Sara and I work on breathing techniques, distraction techniques and use guided imagery to get the job done.  On the outside I am calm and supportive but on the inside I am screaming "just sh*t! just push it out already!!"  But I guess all is well that ends well.  Sara is sleeping comfortably...resting up for the squirts that will inevitably be around all day tomorrow.  Come on, you fill a 34 pound little girl with that much EX-Lax and Mira-Lax what do you think will happen once the plug is gone?

Oh, I almost forgot that today Ann decided she wanted to wear underwear.  Which is fine, but she doesn't get the concept that she is not supposed to pee in them.  She pees her pants and gets so exited that she peed.  I usually have a ton of patience with toilet training but not today.  Diapers were back on after the first pee accident.

So thank you for listening to my overtired rant and for the record Sara is followed by a wonderful Pediatric Gastroenterologist and we are following the proper treatment protocol for her...just a frustrating day for me.

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