Thursday, August 2, 2012

I'm Back!...and I am riding in on my high horse.

I apologize for the hiatus the past couple of weeks.  The girls and I have been busy with appointments, play-dates and all around summer fun.  I am down and out with a cold today so I thought I would take advantage of the time and get back to blogging.  And like I said, I am riding high atop my high moral horse.  Generally speaking I am not a judgmental person.  As long as you are not hurting anyone else with your actions I don't care what shape or size you come in, what color you are, the language you speak or who you chose to spend your life with.  There is however, one group of people that have recently been brought to my attention whom I do feel as though I can comment on...people who willingly go on the Maury show to find their baby daddy.

Maybe I feel superior because there is absolutely no question as to my children's lineage.  I am confident in saying that on or around the time my children were conceived I did not have a laundry list of guys in and out of my bedroom.  That and the fact that Sara is an EXACT replica of Chuck and I have a picture of her coming out of my belly.  Yes!  Actually coming out of my belly.  There was some beautiful woman in the OR when I was having my c-section, she said that she would take our camera and take the very first picture of our baby.  A few hours later when we were scrolling through the pictures I was completely horrified.  There was a picture of me laying on the table with my belly flayed open, a pair of gloved hands reaching in to said belly and pulling Sara out of me!  She wasn't kidding about the first picture.  I thought she meant the one of her on the scale, not when her lower half was still inside my abdominal cavity.  But, I digress.  And if any of you have ever seen Anna in person you know she is my mini me. 

So back to the Maury show...the other day the house was clean, dinner was cooking and the girls were quietly playing.  I actually had some free time, what to do? what to do?  I didn't have any magazines, 50 Shades has been long since read and I was sick of the computer.  I decided to sit on my bed and watch TV.  I happened across channel 9 and a headline that read, "Teen mom, 3 men tested...who is the daddy?".  I was intrigued.  I put the remote down and started watching.  It was fascinating.  I remember years ago Maury would do a show about this.  He would spend the whole time talking to the girl, who insisted that she was 110% percent sure that this guy was the father and he was a jerk for denying the child.  I have a problem with anyone who goes higher than 100%...that sets the tone right there.  100% is the maximum...there is no such thing as 110%...a red flag in my book.  Anyway, Maury then would get the guys side of the story and typically the guy would deny the child and call the girl a whole host of names that rhyme with bore, ramp and rut.  Then at the last minute the results would be revealed.  If it was found in the girls favor that he was the father she would then jump up, get really close to him and scream...Thank You!  Now What? Or Told You!  Over and over without giving the guy a chance to respond.  If it was found out that he was NOT the father then the guy would jump up and down while the girl would run off the stage. Maury chasing after, comforting her telling her it was ok.  Really is it?  She would then say there may be one or two other guys that it might be.  What happened to being 110% sure?

Nowadays Maury has turned DNA testing into a cottage industry.  Instead of 1 or 2 couples per episode there are about 10.  He blows through them saving 1 couple's results for the very end...they usually have the most salacious story.  I wish I had bought stock in DNA Diagnostics.  Maury has made those people millionaires several times over.  Now I would say about 9 out of 10 shows on Maury is based on paternity.  The girls usually parade out 3 or 4 guys that may or may not be the father.  I even saw one episode where the girl was on for the 3rd time, testing the 11th guy and guess what?  He was NOT the father!  Where do these girls find enough time, not to mention enough clean sheets within the 36 hour ovulation window to "entertain" so many men?

So there is about 7 minutes left.  Enough time for a commercial break and the results from the most "interesting" couple (actually girl and 3 guys) .  As luck would have it the oven just beeped, it was preheated and ready for the garlic bread and Chuck walked in.  Awesome...I put in the entire hour and now I was going to miss the big payoff.  Chuck comes into our room, changes his clothes and catches about 30 seconds of the show.  That was enough to reel him in.  I asked him if he could put the garlic bread in the oven.  He was so intrigued by this hot mess that he waited on dinner to see the results.  Well, as luck would have it her former boyfriend was NOT the father, her current fiance was NOT the father and some random guy John was NOT the father!  She was 110% sure it was her former boyfriend's child though she wished it was her fiance's and John, the random guy was just there to make for good TV.  After chatting with Maury she let on there were a "couple" more guys it may be.  I just hope that I am around to see the follow-up episode.

My fascination with trash TV really hit a fever pitch when I was on my first maternity leave with Sara just about 5 years ago.  Maury, Steve Wilkos, etc. etc.  I never really could get into Jerry Springer though...I guess I am not as tough as I thought.  I remember that I was online looking for some onseies  for Sara and I came across one that said, "I met my daddy on Maury".  I never laughed so hard.  I thought it was one of the funnier things I have ever seen.  I really wanted to get it, but, I thought better of it....I didn't want anyone to think it was serious and that I got it as a souvenir for being a guest on his show.  It was about the same time that I discovered Nancy Grace and all of her feisty awesomeness.  I watched her every night faithfully. Listening to her dissect the tot mom case in minutia.  I have to say I really did feel vindicated for all the time I put in when I saw her taken from her home and arrested live on TV.  Plus, Nancy is my friend.   She says "Good night friend" to me every night.  I am tempted to send in some pictures of me and the kids for her Nancy Grace Family Album.  I want her to see the junior crime fighters I am raising out here in suburbia.  I would love to hear her say, "and a very special happy 40th birthday to Erin" would be like a dream come true.

The past five years my taste in talk shows has evolved.  I am still an avid Nancy Grace fan...but instead of Steve Wilkos and Maury when I have a minute I now watch Wendy Williams, and yes, she is a friend in my head.  TMZ is another must see in my house and then there is Anderson.  Oh, my not so secret crush.  Anderson Cooper.  YUM!  He is the perfect man...impeccably dressed, handsome with his piercing blue eyes, to talk about the latest atrocity in Syria one minute and then dish on his ridiculoulist about a reality show character.  His giggle, his smile and to top it all off if I went to dinner with him he would be a perfect gentleman and expect nothing from me in return..wink, wink.  I hope you all aren't feeling bad for Chuck as I go on and on about my sweet Anderson.  He has his own crush too.  On Adele.  He spends a lot of time watching clips of her online and listening to her music.  Sara is in on it too.  The other day she was making out her list for Santa and she said she wanted to make sure daddy got something too (I was the one helping her with her list yet she asks for something for Chuck and not me...) anyway, she asks Santa to bring him another "Adele movie"...when she said it it sounded more like another "adult movie" and I was thinking to myself what the hell goes on here when I am at work?  But she clarified it for me.  So I guess we are both safe....I have a crush on a gay man and Chuck has a crush on a full figured British pop star...neither of us has much to worry about.  I am 110% sure about it.


  1. I don't have a crush on Adele, I like her music and she looked good at the Grammy's but I can't understand a word she says. She talks like an 1890's London chimney sweep.

  2. I like that claification Chuck!