Sunday, January 6, 2013

Life is short...wear skinny jeans?

So I went out the other night.  Without my children.  Without my husband.  Yup, I know right?  That almost NEVER happens.  But it did.  I was invited out and I accepted.  I knew that it would take some finagling on my part; switch my hours at work, find a sitter for the girls, get ready at work and then drive 75 miles each way, but I am trying to have a new attitude so I threw caution to the wind and went for it!  In the past 6 months several people close to me have been diagnosed with some pretty sh*tty stuff.  Stuff that really makes you stop and smell the roses.  So, not sure if any of you know this or not but I turned 40 a month ago...I may have mentioned it once or twice..  I know, I still throw up in my mouth a little bit each time I hear it too.  So like I have said before; IF I live until 80 I am now half done with my life, if I don't quite make it until 80 then my life is MORE than half over.  I want to make the most of it.  So I decided that I am going to accept as many invitations and participate in as many life events that I can reasonably accommodate.  That being said; my boss let me shift my schedule on Friday night...Chuck came home from work a bit early so I could get to work early (he even went to the ATM for me, filled up the car and let me take his car so I wouldn't look like a total nerd pulling up in the mini-van...what a nice guy!) I colored the gray roots in my hair, did 2 nights of my Neutrogena build a tan and plucked the grays out of my eyebrows.  I was ready.  But wait...I had nothing cool to wear.  I was meeting up with some of the people I used to work with.  Most of them I hadn't seen in 3 years.  We were just going to a bar/restaurant but I wanted to look as if I belonged out in society.  Not like a mom that had thrown in the towel.  I looked through my closets and the only presentable things I have are my work clothes.  Meh.  I didn't want to go to the bar looking like a social worker.  Not that I am a social worker it is just that Child Life Specialists, for the most part, dress like  social workers...layered cardigans and dress pants are the unofficial uniform of the Child Life Community.  Fine for going to Panera for lunch but I was going to a bar.  I wanted to somewhat fit in with the crowd...not have all the revelers think I am working for the ABCC coming to crack down on fake ID's.  What to wear?  What to wear?

SKINNY JEANS!!!  Of course, that is what all the cool kids are wearing!!  Sara has 2 pairs for Christ' s sake.  She is 5 and trendier than me.  I have lost a decent amount of weight this past year (31.6 pounds if you are curious...YAY me!!) and my friend was just telling me it was time to buy new pants.  She was sick of seeing my underwear hang out of my jeans.  I tried to tell her that jeans halfway down your ass were all the rage but then she reminded me that I am not an adolescent boy and that the trend also included colorful boxers and not flowery Hanes her Way undies.  Point I went to get some new jeans.  How hard could this be?  Ha- took me 3 stores and about 12 pairs of skinny jeans until I found the pair I bought.  I ended up in the dressing room at Old Navy surrounded by all kinds of skinny jeans "the Diva", "the Flirt", "the Sweetheart"... these were the actual names of the jeans.  I did have 2 very helpful teenagers helping me...oh and Sara.  So the 3 girls get together and decide on a pair for me.  They are called...are you ready for this?..."rock star super skinny jeans"...I sh*t you not...that is even embroidered on the inside of the jeans...lest you forget you are a rock star.  I, for the record, am not a rock star but again, I threw caution to the wind and bought them.  I think the Old Navy girls play a little game amongst themselves when a woman of a particular age comes in and wants to buy something cool...the salesperson that convinces them to buy the most ridiculous, age IN-appropriate piece of clothing wins.  And the winner is...Ashley.  She had me at, "anyone can wear skinny jeans...they make everybody look good...and they are so in style right now"...SOLD!!

I come home and try them is the first time Chuck is speechless.  Is that a good speechless like his wife is such a super hot rock star that he has no words? Or is a bad speechless like Oh My God his wife looks ridiculous and he doesn't know how to convey that in a delicate way without crushing his wife's self esteem?  All he did finally manage to say was he wasn't used to seeing me in such tight pants.  Hmm...not sure how to take that but I forged on with my plan.  Skinny jeans are all the rage.  Society can't be wrong.  Right?

So Friday night comes and I get changed at work.  I have the jeans on, a black turtle neck with a chunky necklace and of course some black boots.  I dug out my super cute and ridiculously uncomfortable black boots which I may have mentioned in an earlier post.  You can not wear skinny jeans without boots, at least that is what the Old Navy teens told me.

I am driving the hour and a half to the bar and I am all excited to be out on a Friday night.  I am singing along with the radio...I am really getting into was like I was putting on a live concert for the imaginary people in the car.  Then it hits me.  I have been singing along to a CD I made years ago.  The updated version of a mix tape if you will.  Sadly, the mix includes Chicago, James Taylor and Linda Ronstadt...Linda effing Ronstadt!!  Oh My GOD!!!  I am not fighting the good fight!  I am a middle aged woman trying to relive a little bit of her glory days!! It was 5:30 in the evening and I was drinking a coffee to give myself a little extra "pep".  WTF?  I just said "pep"  old people say that!!  Am I am going to be the old lady at the bar trying a little too hard to fit in all the while drinking a glass of Chardonnay?  I remember seeing her back in my fake ID days...back at the Spaghetti Club in Cambridge.  Am I her?  I turn the radio down and take stock of the situation.  OK, for the record I don't look 40.  At least I don't think I do.  The pants were a bit tight and hot...kind of felt like I had old fashioned long johns on.  But damn it...I think I look OK.  I am not her!  40 is the new 20.  Screw that!  I am going to walk into that bar with my head held high.

I get to the bar and meet up with the old crew.  Since I had a long drive back I was not drinking alcohol.  So for better or worse I had all my faculties in place all night.  I think it may have been for worse.  As the night went on the music was getting louder and annoying as all hell.  I literally had to yell to have a conversation with the girl right next to me.  As my friend said everyone in there was about 6 years old.  OK, MAYBE 21.  The bar was in a college town so I am pretty confident in saying many of them were there with their fake ID's.  So in all likelihood I was at least 20 years older than the majority of the crowd.  But man I was rocking the skinny jeans (in my head anyway).  In reality they were way too tight and man they were hot!  They did make my legs look tiny but every time I sat on the bar stool I could feel them slip down, fear not though, my mommy undies were half way up my back so thankfully I was not rocking the plumber's crack.  Speaking of my ass...I really don't have one to speak of... at least not in the right place.  If you have been following my blog from the beginning you may remember that I have a "skin apron" or a front bum.  If I could have spun my lower half around like you can a Barbie doll I would have worn the sh*t out of those jeans.  You see, my real backside is flat, but the skinny jeans compacted my front bum into this nice, tight rounded sphere....if, like I said my bottom half could have been in reverse I would have been the suburban mom's answer to Kim Khardasian...minus the sex tape, sham marriage and total lack of morals. 

I do think skinny jeans will have a positive impact on society as a whole...I think they will help cut down on unwanted pregnancies, curb STD rates and decrease the incidence of one night stands...and here is why;  while they may look sexy, they are friggin impossible to get off!!  You have to literally peel them off of your body and not in a sexy, come hither kind of way.  More like peeling off wet jeans while trying to keep your balance, contorting into weird positions as every belly and back roll is exposed only to get the jeans stuck around your ankles as you trip over them.  Not sexy. 

So, while I did have a great time with my friends that night, the skinny jeans were an epic fail.  I did feel like I was trying too hard to look like a younger, hipper version of myself.  So I will still keep accepting the invites but I think I am going to stick with my boot cut jeans...


  1. Truly LOL, as the cool kids say.

  2. Glad you liked it...I was laughing while typing!! I have had several requests so I may post a picture of the skinny jeans!!