Monday, February 18, 2013

I don't have enough bones for that...

So my blog has been MIA for a few weeks.  I could say it was because I have been busy with the kids...we did have a ton of dentist, doctor and school appointments, throw in a blizzard that included a two snow days, a few migraines, and just no real time to set aside to go online...because that is all true.  But there was another issue...a more serious one....our computer got a virus and needed to be reformatted.  Not a huge deal, however, after it was reformatted the first time you signed into a website you needed to enter your password.  I am not proud of this and I am just gonna out it out there...I could not remember the password for my blog.'s true.  When I created the password I came up with something cute and easy to remember.  Or so I thought.  So after about 2 weeks and a 57,000 variations on what I thought the password was I got it!! 

So there really is not much new to write about but I will catch you up on some not so exciting things...

*  I recently had an appointment in an inner city hospital...I will call it "the Friendly's"...that is a silly little joke that only the locals of a certain age would get...however, over the years I found a secret valet parking spot a block away from the regular valet that is always jammed no matter the time of day or night.  It is my sweet, little slice of heaven where my car is delivered in a reasonable time and I don't have to wait 45 minutes with the dregs of society suffering from God only knows what communicable disease.  So the girls and I are waiting for the car...listening to a volunteer tinker away on a baby grand piano...see, I told you this parking area was the best kept secret in town.  All of the sudden 2 armed police officers come in with a prisoner...he is sitting down in a wheelchair but he is cuffed and shackled.  Whatever...he apparently broke some type of law to land himself in that situation but sure, lets get him treated at one of the world's best hospitals.  But I he is being wheeled by us and looks right at the girls and says, "stay in school" I said in my Facebook post that day...I did appreciate his sentiment but I would have rathered teach the girls the value of an education on my own terms...not with an audience of strangers.  Everyone was looking and listening for my response.  Sara of course asked right away why she needed to stay in school.  I explained that if you learned everything you were supposed to and paid attention to your teachers you would be able to be whatever you wanted, get a good job and have a nice life.  To which she responded, "or else I will have to go to the hospital?"...guess the cuffs and shackles escaped her.  I just said "yeah".  In a way I was grateful to the prisoner because he distracted my kids from the site I really wanted to shelter them from...and oh boy was it a doozy...Now I know people come in all shapes, sizes and body configuration... I don't hide that from my children..however, the site that was walking through the door was beyond my skill set in explaining things to children...something that I typically pride myself on.  So let me try to paint this picture for you and trust me any description I give CAN NOT give you the full effect.  A normal looking man came walking in the door, well, at least his top half was normal. The bottom half was a completely different story.  He had these black sweat pants on.  At least I think they were pants...maybe tights?  His legs were normal appearing but he had this thing hanging down in front of him.  Hanging down almost to the floor.  At first I thought it was a front bum, or skin apron.  If you have been following my blog you understand that I know a thing or two about front bums.  This was not a front bum.  Then it hit me.  Those were his testicles, or balls if you will dangling precariously close to the floor.  I have NEVER seen anything like that before..and I am a HUGE fan of Discovery was as if he had 4 legs.  It was so disturbing, yet I could not look away.  I was frantically trying to figure out the logistics of what the hell was happening inside of those black tights.  At the same time I was terrified for him that with one slight squat in his step his balls would drag across the sidewalk, get a slight run in the tights and the weight of whatever he was holding back would blow those tights apart and my girls would be learning a life lesson they were WAY to young to comprehend.  Thankfully that crisis was averted and in some strange way I will forever be grateful to the jailbird that saved my girls from seeing low (and I mean LOW) hanging balls.

*  I have also spent some time catching up on my quality DVR shows.  Catfish is one of them.  I have loved this story since the beginning.  I know that Manti Teo would disagree but he has brought my beloved Nev to the masses in all of his self indulgent glory.  This show fascinates me on so many levels.  First, I can understand how someone would fall for a catfish...they usually have suffered a trauma, have low self esteem or are just dying to fit in...they meet someone online that makes them feel good about themselves and they want to believe it is real.  I get it.  What I find so intriguing are the people that are the catfishes.  The ones that are deceiving their prey...sometimes for years on end.  I just don't understand why they would do that to another human being.  I find them to be much sadder and pathetic than the victim.  Then for them to both agree to be on the show and have it air publicly takes it to another level I just don't get.  But what makes this show so amazingly good is Nev.  He is so self indulgent in the way he uses the camera angles, in the "deep" analysis he does of the people involved and how every episode they show him sleeping and waking up without a shirt on.  It is overly self serving but in such a deliciously, guilty pleasure kind of way. If you haven't yet you should check it out.

*In dealing with a recent bout of insomnia I came across something hysterical on late night TV.  It was a commercial for a dating site.  At first I thought it had to be a Saturday Night Live skit...but quickly realized it was not Saturday night and it was a different network.  Now I am a huge fan of online dating.  That is how my marriage started.  There are sites for all walks of life...seniors, Jewish people, Christians, etc. etc.  There is a new site for a cultural group that I never would have thought would need their own site.  Farmers.  Yup.  Farmers.  It is called  Their tag line I sh*t you not is "because city folk just don't get it".  Go ahead, Google it.  You will not be disappointed.  Did you check it out?  You're welcome. 

*  I have also spent way too much time stewing over the fact that Kim Kar-douche-ian and her Jackass of a boyfriend Kanye are having a baby.  Yes, I feel completely comfortable in calling him a jackass.  Why, you ask?  Because our Commander in Chief did.  Yup, Obama and I don't agree on much but I am completely on board with his description of Kanye as a jackass.  So why am I so upset?  Because I know so many people that desperately want a baby.  They would be awesome parents too.  They want to parent for parenting sake...not simply for procreation's sake and certainly not to extend their 15 minutes of fame and make money of the birth of an innocent child.  She has no real talent....she is famous for having sex on tape.  That is it.  Let me just state I think she is disgusting.  If I were to strip naked, lather up in the slobber from a Newfoundland dog's mouth (with all due respect to Newfies), roll around on the bathroom floor of the Salem, MA Market Basket on payday, on the eve of a blizzard then have a swab taken I can say with absolutely no scientific certainty I would have less communicable diseases than a swab of Kim K's vagina.  To announce the impending birth of their child Kanye introduces her as his baby mamma.  That is real classy Kanye...with a capital K.  My beloved TMZ always makes fun of Kim's husband Kris Humphries (yes...they are still married) as being dumb as rocks.  I think he is smarter than people give him credit for.  He made him out to be an idiot just so she could cash in on a wedding special.  I say you hang on with both hands Kris and make her life miserable.  If they are still legally married when the baby is born he is the presumed father in their state.  Kris, I would insist on visitation and make her pay YOU child support.  She made a mockery of you I say fight fire with fire my friend.  That is all I have to say on the subject.

*  In recent weeks I found out that one of my CNN man crushes, no, not The Silver Fox my beloved Anderson Cooper, but the other slice of yumminess... Dr. Sanjay Gupta is only 43 (just 3 years older than me).  That made me feel like such a slacker, he is married with 3 children, an Emmy award winner for various CNN specials, hosts his own CNN program, is the Executive Producer on a new dramatic Series on TNN (Monday Mornings which the one episode I saw was pretty good) oh and he is a flippin neurosurgeon!!  Time to get crackin Erin.  Maybe I will take a course or something....

*  Anna has this cute new thing...if she is being lazy she will say, "I can't clean my toys...I am too little I don't have enough bones to do that."  "I can't eat a healthy snack, I don't have enough bones to do that."  On the other hand if it is something she wants to do she suddenly has enough bones.  I thought you had a set number of bones that carry you through your lifespan...apparently Anna is the medical outlier on that one.

*  When did the number sign (#) switch to the pound sign and then morph into something called a hashtag?  I am still old school and it will always be the number sign to me.

*I posted a picture of me in the infamous skinny jeans on my facebook page.  I am glad I did.  The skinny jeans are out of commission for the next couple of weeks.  Chuck has been doing the grocery shopping lately.  Mysteriously the ratio of ding dongs and Doritoes to fruits and veggies is heavily in the junk food column.  The skinny jeans now need to be coupled with a pair of Spanx...they were tight enough and hot enough as they were...spanx takes it to a new level.  It is a not so secret fact that I believe that one day I will fall victim to spontaneous human combustion...the jeans with the spanxs made me so hot that it felt as if I sat down the friction from bending my legs would act like a match striking against the matchbook.  If I move too quickly I WILL engulf in flames.  Cue the new Alicia Keys song...That girl is on fire!!  Therefore, in an effort to extend the length of my life the skinny jeans are back in the closet.  It takes forever to lose the weight but a few weeks of hedonism and it comes piling back on....time to get back on track!!

*Last, but certainly not has take 5 years and 4 months but drum roll please....I have been validated as a mother!!!  At night after story time the girls need to do "tinkle and teeth"...pee and brush their teeth before bed.  This is a set rule I do not waver on.  EVERY night Sara argues and ends up slamming the bathroom door while yelling "FINE!" The other night she flat out refused and went to bed.  I didn't fight.  The next morning she came out and sheepishly said, "I should have listened to you last night....I peed my bed."  I so wanted to jump up and down and sing I told you so! I told you so! and lecture her on why I have certain rules.  But I didn't I just silently went into her room, climbed up the bunk bed ladder and stripped her pee soaked sheets with the biggest, self satisfying smile on my face.  Life lesson learned...and the win goes to...MOMMY!!!  Yeah right.  Later that night the door slamming went as usual.  But I am going to relive that moment over and over...knowing for at least 10 seconds Sara acknowledged my wisdom as her mother.

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