Monday, May 20, 2013

Run Mama Run!!

So my doctor has suggested that I increase my activity level during my pregnancy.  I have been trying really hard to walk more, eat healthy and generally take good care of me and my growing baby.  I even have a step counter to keep track of my activity level.  Well, yesterday I really took it to a whole new level.  I went running.  Yup, I went for a very fast paced jaunt through my yard.  Now you may be thinking, good for you...or, wow, way to step it up.  But let you in on a secret my friends...this run was not by choice.  I was running for my LIFE!!!  If you have been reading my blog all along you may remember that my yard has a lot of rock walls and natural rock formations.  It makes for a great yard for kids to play in also means we have snakes.  Lots of snakes!!  Now, apparently my idea of a lot of snakes may not mathematically be a high order number.  But to someone terrified of snakes 1 is way too many.  Last year we spotted 3 snakes.  Caught 2 and one got chopped up in the lawn mower...really broken up about that one.  Chuck takes the ones he catches and throws them over the cliff at the edge of our yard.  So far this year we have already seen 2 really big ones!! It is only May 20th!!  We haven't even got through spring yet.  In my scientific estimation that means we are on track for a good 57,692 snakes this year alone!!  Sara said to me last year, "dad says if there is 1 snake there are a hundred!"...since we have already seen 2 that means there are 198 others lurking about!!  In my mind we are about 1 snake shy of being the "snake house"...Google it (at your own is disgusting)...I think it is time to call a realtor and maybe move to the city.

So back to yesterday.  Sara and I were heading out.  She went back in to get a sweater.  When we are walking out to the car I typically have the girls walk ahead of me and do a "snake check"...that way they can alert me to those slithering bastards.  If one is spotted my plan is to head back in the house forever, or at least until Chuck can take care of it.  Now, you may be thinking I am an awful mom for making the kids do the snake recon mission...I am an awful mom for many other reasons, but not that.  The girls like all that stuff...frogs, there!  So I was on my own...I had a false sense of was a rainy day I thought all the snakes would be in their snake houses.  I checked the right hand side of the wall where I have seen them in the past.  All clear.  I walk to the bottom of the stairs and there it was...a HUGE snake.  Coming right my way.  It was looking right at me and I swear I think it may have said, "Erin, I am going to get you" in a very creepy, menacing way.  Sara thinks I am lying about that, but I am 99% sure I heard it.  I am 100% sure my neighbors heard me screaming.  I turned and ran faster than I have ever run in my life up all the way into the house.  Now I am pregnant with huge boobs.  I don't run when I am not pregnant...but if outrunning this snake were an Olympic event I would have taken the gold!  I ran like the wind.  Keep in mind I am 21 weeks pregnant.  However, my belly is as big as if I were 51 weeks pregnant!  I think my heart is still beating about 300 beats per minute.  I am thinking that all the extra beats should count as extra exercise points.  You think my cardiologist would agree to that?

So up until now Chuck has been engaged in a catch and release program.  I think it is time to take a more drastic approach.  I think the perfect solution would be to remove all of the grass, trees, rocks and bushes and just replace it all with asphalt.  Then we can have the girls draw in flowers and rainbows with sidewalk chalk.  I doubt Chuck will go for that.  So I was told that mothballs will repel garter snakes.  Later today I am going on a mission to buy all of the moth balls in Central MA.  Sorry, but if you are looking to pack away your winter sweaters you are sh*t out of luck.  Anyone know where I can rent an 18 wheeler?  I am going to litter my yard like them until it looks like it is covered in sickeningly sweet smelling gumdrops .  I don't care that my house and yard are going to smell like an 89 year old woman.  It will be snake free!!  Until then I will carry a walking stick and send the girls out ahead of me...

PS- Last night every time I fell asleep I would dream about that effing now not only do I have to deal with them out in the they are invading my if getting up to pee every 13 minutes weren't bad enough...

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