Friday, March 21, 2014

Babies suck...and other random stuff

Sorry for the long gaps between posts.  I have been busy playing school and restaurant and having a 3rd kid really cut into my free time.  I haven't had time to sit and write a proper post, I think I still owe you a "What to Really Expect When Expecting, 3rd Trimester" and I have to fill you in about a car accident I was in, but, in the meantime I am going to share a few observations/quick stories of what has been going on lately;

*  So last night, actually more like really, really early this morning while I was nursing Emily I was clicking through the channels.  Some pretty interesting things on at 2 in the morning.  Anyway, file this one under, "Now, I have seen it all"...Amazing Arms.  What are Amazing Arms you ask?  Oh, my friends to truly appreciate Amazing arms you have to Google them, go ahead...I'll wait......ok, so you're back.  Amazing arms are Spanx for your arms.  They are a compression sleeve to keep your bat wings at bay.  Now, I am not opposed to Spanx...some of my earlier posts are steeped in Spanx infamy.  Hell, I even ensconced my belly bump in pregnancy Spanx.  So in the wee hours of the morning it got me thinking..there are Spanx, or Spanx like products for almost all body parts, belly, back (to get rid of unsightly back fat) thighs all the way down to ankles, bras that minimize, ass and now arms.  So I could conceivably be Spanxed up from neck to ankle.  But all that fat must get squeezed somewhere, right?  So I burst out laughing imagining myself all svelte and sexy with gigantic Fred Flintstone feet and a head the size of something you would see on Mt. Rushmore.  I may do it just for the photo op.

*  The other day while putting socks on I noticed while shaving my legs I have missed a one inch by one inch patch probably all winter.  I am torn...should I shave it and be done with it or braid it like a rat tail a la 1987 and call it a calf tail?

*  I just saw a recent study that lack of sleep causes brain damage.  If you miss big chunks of sleep, even if you get "catch up sleep" you can still have BRAIN DAMAGE.  That answers a lot of questions for me, especially this one; how is that after making the exact same commute to work for 4 years I got lost the other day?  Not just took a wrong turn...all out lost.  Thanks Sara, Anna and Emily, not only have you made me lose my mind, you all have actually permanently damaged it.  Good going.

*  I have an irrational fear.  Most moms worry that if they take their eyes off of their children they are going to get kidnapped.  Nope, not me.  I am worried someone will see Anna wandering and take her to the Pine Street Inn (the local homeless shelter).  No matter what I do Anna forever looks homeless.  She comes out of the tub dirtier than when she went in.  She insists on growing her hair like Rapunzel.  Right now it is halfway down her back and it looks more like Medusa than a Disney Princess.   Not sure how to make her look like she comes from the industrialized world...

*  Speaking of DCF I am one Katy Perry song away from them knocking on my door.  The girls love Katy Perry.  A few of her songs; Roar and Firework in particular are great anthems for girl power.  Her other songs, yeah, not so much.  Currently they can't get enough of her song that comes on right after Roar; Legendary Lovers.  Yes, my 4 year old sings along, "I feel my lotus bloom, come closer...legendary lovers..."  All I need is for her to sing that in her preschool class and I am sure a 51-A will be filed against me before the song is over.  Oh, and they have started requesting, "the birthday song"  which goes something like, get in your birthday suit, time to bring out the big balloons.  I have tried to reintroduce Laurie Berkner, but I guess songs about alligators on your head are not as cool.  The horse has left the barn on that one.

* The girls have been fighting like cats and dogs lately.  I think the horrible winter has definatley given them a wicked case of cabin fever.  Just yesterday they were going after each other and Sara was ticked at Anna for something.  She made her a beautiful picture that said I love you Anna, Love Sara.  Sara then asked Anna if she liked it and of course she said yes.  Sara then proceeded to say "Good, too bad you can't have it" AS SHE TORE IT TO PIECES!!!  I am dreading when I have 3 teen girls at once.  I am going to put the pharmaceutical companies out of business trying to get my hands on as much Prozac as possible once Sara hits 13.

*  Sara had a dentist appointment yesterday.  She was so mad at me for booking it on a holiday.  Don't wasn't a holiday for normal people, just Sara.  It was the first day of Spring and she was seething that I made her miss out on the holiday.  This is the same kid that was thinking a leprechaun was bringing her something for St. Patrick's Day.  She didn't think I was funny when I said all he brings is a bowl of Lucky Charms.  So as we were heading out Em puked in my hair.  I wiped it out the best I could but we had to go.  We were in the crowded waiting room and I was sitting next to a brooding teen boy.  Anna comes over and announces very loudly, "mom, you smell, really baby spit and poop".  The boy laughed and laughed.  I guess my good deed for the day was done.  His mom got to see him smile...I guess that is a silver lining.

*  Babies suck.  This is according to Anna.  She is one of the funniest people I know.  I know she is only 4 but she makes me laugh out loud at least 10 times a day.  With her things are right or wrong, black or white, up or down, yes or no.  There is no in between.  No grey area.  She calls everything like she sees it.  Emily is 6 months old, can you stand it?  She is putting everything into her mouth.  So one day she saw Em sucking on a toy and announced, "babies suck".  Sara had a field day with this.  Sara is in kindergarten, the real world...she is a bit jaded, hardened if you will...she knows that suck can have another meaning.  She kept giggling and getting Anna to say it again.  Of course Anna was more than happy to oblige and even took it one step further, "Babies suck, and Emily is the suckiest baby of all"...ah, sisterly love!!!

1 comment:

  1. As usual I love reading your observations on motherhood and kids. You're a great writer!