So remember a few weeks back when I was singing the praises of my epic parenting wins? Yeah, well those glory days are gone. Long gone. No sooner had I hit the publish button on the post that it all went to sh*t, or should I say, back to normal. Here are a few examples of what I have been up against lately;
set the girls up with the computer to watch the eagle cam that everyone
is talking about. Of course as soon as we turn it on the mom eagle
stands up to reveal a dead squirrel which she immediately rips the head
off and feeds to the baby. Typical, I try to show them something
scientific and end up traumatizing them instead. So when they start torturing small animals and graduate on to serial killing I plan to squarely lay all the blame on Berry College...and not my parenting fail.
I recently had the pleasure of carrying one of my children out of dance class kicking and screaming, "I hate you!...You are a jerk! and You ruin everything fun in my life!" Now, granted, it was not my finest moment but I want to thank all the other dance moms for ignoring the sh*t show they were treated to and for carrying out the dance bags that were left behind. Long story short one of the girls behavior was unacceptable, I called her out on it and said she had 2 minutes to get it together or we would leave...2 minutes came and went so I had to hold up my end of the bargain. Unfortunately, their dance studio is in the basement so I had to carry her UP about 15 stairs. Fun times!!
Anna had a dentist appointment. It did not go well. Oh, she cooperated and got her teeth cleaned. That was not the problem. Turns out she has a few cavities. Actually, more than a few. I would tell you how many but I lost count after 4. I have tried every kind of fluoride toothpaste with her and she hates them all. The only one she will use is the toddler training paste without fluoride. So my thought was; brushing with that was better than nothing. Um, that would be a big fat WRONG! So as the dentist was admonishing me for my crappy parenting I start to explain that she may be prone to having cavities...that as a child I had really soft teeth, etc. To which she answered, "yeah, that was 40 years ago, we know a lot more now." I put my finger up to say something and the look she gave me shut me up before I could open my mouth. So I headed back to the store and found some toothpaste that were Crayola Crayons. It was a pack of 3 colors that you could mix and match AND it had fluoride. She started to use it begrudgingly. So a few days later Sara has her cleaning appointment and on the way home was complaining about the flavor toothpaste they gave her. Anna pipes up with, "well Sara at least mom doesn't make you brush your teeth with crushed up crayons like I have to..." Somehow even the "fun" toothpaste I bought has me in the dog house with these kids.
So Sara has strep throat. I poo-pooed her symptoms for a day and a half. At bedtime she was complaining she was cold. She was too cold to sleep. Yeah, yeah Sara. I got your number...you are trying to stall. Put on a sweatshirt and some gloves and go to bed. I send her to school the next day. That night the same thing...but I notice she is hot, really hot. 103 degrees hot. This goes on for another 2 days and I call the doctor. Strep Throat. Now there are so many words I can use to describe Sara, but, for today I will stick with "high maintenance". When Sara is sick it becomes a family event. She is the lead actress and the rest of us are her supporting characters. Trust me, it is not a drama you want to be involved in. In addition to Strep Throat -- Sara suffers from severe, intermittent, pseudo- paralysis. She is able to ride her bike at will. She can run on the playground and jump on the couch unimpeded. However, this strange phenomenon happens several times a day when she is completely unable to walk. This usually happens when she needs to throw something away, wants a drink or snack or when it is time to clean up. There also has been no sleep for any of us this past week. OK, I take that back...I have had a solid 1/2 hour every night. For some reason that has not been entirely compatible with activities of daily living for example; I am running at a solid 0 for 10 when it comes to getting any of the girl's names right on the first try. I have been eating pumpkin seeds at meal times because I am too flipping tired to prepare something real. Oh, and here is a good one...I was rushing around to get myself and the 3 girls ready the other day. I had to switch days at work for a meeting. Shockingly a million and one things come up as I am trying to get ready. Someone needs breakfast, the phone rings, Emily poops herself at an inopportune time...you know the drill. So we get out the door on time, by the skin of our teeth I might add. I get to work and head right to the conference room. Huh, its empty. Where is everyone? I ask around and no one knows about the webinar. Turns out it is NEXT Wednesday. AAAARRRRHHHHH!!! Well, that is about right these days. So I go about my day at work and about an hour before I am to go home I walk by the full length mirror in the locker room. Holy effing sh*t! What the hell happened to me? My camisole has a huge spit stain right in the middle of it. But, that is not the worst of it my friends...not by a long shot. Oh no...it gets better. My hair doesn't look quite right. Now, I don't have the best hair...I used to have cool hair before kids. Now it is just mom hair. But I try to make it somewhat presentable before work. Not today. This is my best guess as to what happened on Wednesday; I must have been mid hair styling, got distracted and never went back to finish. When I blow dry my hair I pull the top up in a pony tail so I can dry the bottom first. I have a bob so it really isn't a pony tail, more of a nub, kind of like the stumpy tail on a doberman pincher. It doesn't even qualify as a messy bun, just a mess. Well as I go in for a closer inspection I notice that I still have that nubby ponytail and apparently I never finished drying my hair...it is all stringy and disheveled looking. A wave of embarrassment washes over me. I have been walking around work like this for 6 hours!! The only way I could have looked any worse was if I had used a banana clip to hold my hair up. I didn't even have a comb with me so I decide to just leave it. It isn't like my poor, unsuspecting colleagues are able to unsee what has already been seen. To all of you working the day shift on Wednesday I sincerely apologize.
So I guess I should be happy...I am back in my comfort zone of mediocre parenting. The pressure of being mom of the year was getting to me anyway.