Friday, June 1, 2012

It's summertime....yay!!

I hope when you read that title to yourself you put a snarky, sarcastic tone on the "yay" part.  Kind of in a quiet voice with your hands half raised in mock celebration.  I do not like summer.  I don't like the heat. I don't like the clothing.  I don't like the critters. I don't like the food. I think I can confidently say that I am the only one around that is already wishing for Labor Day.  Let me break it down for you.

The Food:  I am a vegetarian.  I have been for over 10 years.  My family still has not accepted it.  This does not bode well for me at summertime cookouts.  I typically have to bring my own veggie burger/sausage or hot dog.  Then I have to walk over to the grill master, in much the same one does the walk of shame after too many cocktails in the Alley (that is a reference for one of my faithful readers..SWL!) and hand them said textured vegetable protein.  Then while eating I have to smile and endure the inevitable "light hearted"and oh so un-unique comments.  If my dad is there he will ask me if I want some chicken...he doesn't think it is real meat...this happens summer after is much easier food-wise to blend in during the cooler months.  I swear if I had come out as a real live vampire I would have an easier time than being a vegetarian.

The Clothing:    I am white.  Very much so.  Picture the underside of a killer know that shiny, pristine white?  That is about 6 shades DARKER than me.  Several years back I worked with children in the inner city.  I was the only non-minority around for miles.  One of the children said to me with the complete innocence and sincerity that only a young child could pull off..."you are so white you are see through" is true.  I am so pale you can see my veins from across the room.  In an emergency  situation that requires inserting an IV immediately that is the real world trying to wear summery type clothes not so much.  About 3 weeks ago in anticipation of having to wear shorts I started my nightly ritual of applying Neutrogena Build-a-tan to my face, legs and arms.  Now don't get me wrong...  I am not looking to actually look tan...I just don't want to look like  Casper the Friendly ghost if the occasion calls for shorts.  I am well on my way from Killer Whale White to Bob Ross's Titanium White...hopefully after a few more applications I will make it to a respectable Pottery Barn Ecru.

It isn't just the is the dreaded bathing suit.  If you have been following my blog from the beginning you are well aware of my skin apron.  If you use your imagination take a minute and you can see why that would not work well with a bathing suit....I now always opt for the suit with a skirt.  I know, I know, I am not 85 years old but you have to do what you have to do.  Sunglasses are also a must.  I have very light eyes that are super sensitive to the sunshine.  Come to think of it...maybe I REALLY am a vampire?  I do like garlic so not convinced of that one yet.  Back to the sunglasses...if I don't have them on I swear it feels like my corneas are burning.  There are many times I don't have them on.  I buy several pairs a season.  You would think that means I have a ton to select from.  Not true.  Anna breaks all of them.  She either pops out the lens, breaks off an arm or puts them on her ENORMOUS head and stretches them out.  I just got a new pair on Monday....any bets on how long they last?  I give it a solid week.

The Critters:  First once the sun starts to set our yard sounds like a flippin jungle.  It is so loud.  I liked it when we first moved it is just annoying, especially when you are trying to sleep.  Plus, it is kind of creepy if you are out there after dark....some of the noises have not been identified and I am not sure I really want to know what is making them.  Then there are the bugs of summer...the mosquitoes LOVE me.  I walk outside and they swarm me.  It is like they know I already loathe the summer and they just want to add insult to injury.  Add to that all the ants, spiders and moths...makes me long for the bugless winters.  But it gets worse.  We have snakes!!!  We have a lot of stone walls and our yard is filled with boulders and ledge.  All prime sunning spots for snakes.  I don't mind going out there in the is a very pretty yard, but once the first snake of the season is spotted all bets are off and you will not catch me in the yard.  At all!!  I do bring the girls out to play but they are on their own. I sit my ass down on the porch and I don't dare move.  The girls get frustrated with me sometimes when I won't come off the porch but I tell them I am helping them build character, foster their independence, improve their problem solving skills and I am helping them strengthen their sisterly bond.  They don't care...they just get pissed when I won't push them on the swing.  Isn't that what daddies are for?  The other day one of them tripped right next to the rock that is famous for snakes and I made her come up on the porch to me so I could check it.  There was no way I was venturing down into the viper pit.  I always make sure I have my phone with me on the off chance there is a bad accident that needs attention at the actual accident site off the porch.  Isn't that what EMS is for?   And man am I good at spotting snakes.  They can be halfway across the yard curled up in the grass and I can see it.  If I ever decided to look for a new career I think I would be awesome in a war zone.  Just sit me on top of a Humvee, much like a hood ornament, I would be able to pick out IED's like they were dandelions.  After living in snake territory my scanning skills are top notch.  Chuck keeps reminding me I am ridiculous..that we have only seen 2 snakes so far this year, but I keep reminding him of something he said to Sara...if there is 1 snake there are if there are 2 snakes that must mean there are 200!!!

The Heat:  I am just putting it out there...I wholeheartedly believe in spontaneous human combustion.  I know there are only a handful of cases that may or may not be true...but I am a believer.  I get so hot in the summer that my insides literally feel like they are boiling.  I look hot too, not in the cute Kate Upton kind of the splotchy red rashy, sweat stained, stringy hair kind of way.  Good thing I met Chuck in February...if it were summertime our love story most likely would not have had a happy ending.  I can almost bet that on certain summer days when I am particularly "crabby" because of the heat Chuck is contemplating the longevity of our relationship.  He knows me so well and already installed all of the air conditioners.  While walking around in the summertime I make sure to properly pick up and gently place down my entire foot with each step. Making sure my heel NEVER drags on the asphalt.  I am a bit concerned that if I don't my heel will act as a match head, combine that with my excessive heat and I am blowing up like a tiki torch.  Lately Chuck has been into all things British.  I think that is a great hobby for him, however, I am a bit nervous that he may suggest a trip across the pond.  Why you ask?  Well, many of the documented cases of spontaneous human combustion have happened over there.  Maybe there is something in my chemical makeup that when combined with the foggy London air will trigger an explosion.  Same goes for Pennsylvania...2 cases happened there.  No vacations to Amish Country in our future...

Today is June 1st.  I have a long summer ahead of me.  More importantly my poor family has a long summer ahead of them.  How many days until Labor Day?

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