Friday, October 5, 2012

My days are numbered

I have a stalker that is out to kill me.  Literally.  This being truly wants me dead and will stop at nothing until their goal is achieved.  As far as I can tell she has 4 major plots to take me out; heart attack, poisoning, staged "accident" and a flat out wild animal attack.  My nemesis, or my Newman, is Lucy our cat.  We adopted her 9 months ago when she was 4 1/2 years old.  I would have returned her to the shelter about 8 1/2 months ago if not for the fact she makes an awesome pet for the girls.  She snuggles with them, lets them dress her up, pull her around in the wagon and even sleeps in her cat bed which is now located in the top bunk with Sara.  They love her and she loves them.  So she is a keeper.  However, Lucy and I have a mutual disdain for each other.  If you know me you may find that hard to believe.  I usually LOVE my pets.  My friend Shannon once said that if she were to be reincarnated she wanted to come back as one of my pets.  I am an awesome pet owner.  I know I can't put that on my resume and it won't get me anywhere but it is true.  For whatever reason Lucy has hated me from the start.  I have tried to get into her good graces but nothing has worked so I have decided to cut my loses and just coexist with her.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Like I said, we adopted her from a shelter.  Supposedly she was given away because her owner suddenly developed allergies.  I am calling radishes on that one...that is TMZ speak for bullsh*t.  I think they decided this cat was too creepy and weird and they decided to cut their loses.  Lucky me...

Let me introduce you to the murder plots I have uncovered so far...

#1.  A heart attack-  There have been several occasions where Lucy has scared the bejesus  out of me.  I have cardiac of these days she may just induce the "big one".  She is an all black cat except for a tiny spot of white under her neck.  She is stealth.  Lucy also is pretty industrious.  She can open cabinet doors.  There have been a few times after everyone goes to bed the house is silent and dark I head into the kitchen for a snack.  I open the cabinet and get the shock of my life when all of the sudden there are 2 green eyes staring at me.  Or I will turn around and come face to face with her on the kitchen island.  The kicker is she has a cold stare that just goes right through me.  No one else sees this side of her, she saves it all for me.  Yay me!  A few nights ago I fell asleep on the couch while watching TV.  I woke up to the sensation that someone was really close to my face.  I am thinking it is Chuck (wink, wink)...I open my eyes seductively only to see those creepy green eyes about an inch away from mine and her licking her lips like the is getting ready to go in for the kill...I will have to start sleeping with one eye open from now on.

#2.  Poisoning.  Lucy is gross.  She has a weird obsession with plastic.  She is constantly licking any plastic she can get her cat paws on.  Plastic bags are her preference but she will lick anything plastic.  The sound alone of her sand paper tongue scraping along the plastic is enough to make your skin crawl, let alone all the germs she is infecting them with.  She is an indoor cat so fortunately there are no dead rodent germs but lets be honest here, cats lick themselves...paws, ears and oh yes my friends, their asses.  Lucy is no exception.  She goes to town on her white balloon knot.  Then she hunts down any plastic she can find...onions are now immediately taken out of their red plastic netting.  She loved that.  Same with potatoes, they come right out of their bag.  Our counters are near spotless because she can not be trusted.     The other day I was happily drinking with a straw only to walk into the kitchen and she her on the counter getting frisky with the straws that we keep in a cup on the counter...she is going to get me one way or another.

#3.  Staged "accident".  Lucy is silent and soon to be deadly.  Again, she is a black cat that loves to sneak up on me.  I have tried collars with jingle bells but she gets out of them.  I will be walking through the house at night and suddenly trip over my own feet.  Or so I think...I will then see her out of the corner of my eye, she weaves in and out of my legs when I am walking.  What the hell is with that?  It is like she is doing some type of kitty field sobriety test.  She loves sleeping with Sara.  So much so that Sara moved Lucy's cat bed up into the top bunk with her.  Lucy loves sleeping up there.  I still tuck Sara in even though she is on the top of the bunk bed.  Well Lucy has her own bedtime ritual too and it includes annoying the sh*t out of me.  Before she settles into her cat bed in the far corner of the bunk she sprawls out right in front of the ladder.  She plants herself and digs in like dead weight.  I try moving her which is near impossible so I end up doing a mini Cirque Du Soliel act to maneuver over her.  What I really want to do is forcefully throw her off the top bunk and go about my business but, I can't because Sara is watching and  seeing her mom abuse her cat may cause some psychological damage down the road.  Last night at about 2 a.m. Sara had a nightmare.  I ran in to check on her.  The screaming made Lucy bolt so I had a clear path up to Sara.  I settle her in and I head back down the ladder.  At that exact moment Lucy stealthy decides it is time to climb back up the ladder.   I of course lose my footing and slip down the ladder whacking my shin bone on every flippin rung.  I can't scream out and proclaim the agony I was in because I would then wake up Sara AND once again I hold it in.  I hate that friggin cat!!

#4.  Wild animal attack.  We have had Lucy for 9 months.  In that time we have been able to clip ONE of her nails. Not one paw.  ONE NAIL!!  We have tried.  Trust me, we have tried.  She is my 4th cat.  I know how to clip their nails.  I have been doing it for 12 years.  When we try with Lucy she channels her inner panther.  She gets an even more wild, crazed look in her eyes and she tries to bite, scratch and screeches like a girl (that is how Sara describes it).  Chuck wraps her in a blanket and tries his best to hold her down...the strength of 10 men could not hold her down.  She is terrifying when she gets like that.  Even Chuck is afraid of her.  Gracie, my shy, timid cat who stays far away from Lucy even come out and tries to protect me when she is in attack mode.  We gave up.  I called the vet and scheduled an appointment.   I told them they would need at least 3 people and the hawk gloves and that she may need to be sedated.  I get her in the crate and she screeches the whole way there.  They take her in the back and the girls and i brace ourselves for the screeches that are sure to ensue. is silent.  About 3 minutes later the vet tech emerges and says she is done.  What?  Oh yeah, Lucy cooperated.  The tech did it by HERSELF!!! and Lucy just silently sat there and let her do it.  WTF!!!!

 The girls said they couldn't believe she was a faker.   So it made me realize that it is all an act. She is just out to get me.  I give up.  You win Lucy.  I will just have to bide my time.  How long do indoor cats usually live anyway?

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